Are you lost needing femoid advice post here - For the poor bastard's who dare or are just curious

[The Ugly One]

Let's say that I'm invited to hang at the homie's house because we all get off work at roughly the same time. I bring a 6-pack of beer, another guy brings the pot, they have some delivery coming, and the vidya gaem console's hooked up to the TV. Sounds like fun, right? WRONG. Here's a small, but by no means exhaustive, list of all the filth I bore witness to whenever I visited a male friend's house to hang. If any of the below apply to you, even in the slightest, then you need to get the fuck off your ass and clean your fucking house.

Maybe you should stop hanging out with drug addicts.

 

[Local Farmer]

How do you become a better Boyfriend/Husband?

I’ve been thinking a lot over the last couple days as the due date has been set for me and my fiancée’s wedding. I love her with all my heart and want to prove each and everyday that she made the right decision in saying yes. Some Family issues/ job obligations have kept me from seeing her for quite sometime so I want to build up some habits before she sees me again and before we officially tie the knot. Our relationship is in a good place despite some hardships, the past year had some difficulties due to personal issues that caused some arguments (not in relation to the wedding) and for a while things were quite rocky but despite that she still stuck by my side and kept me sane through law school and I think I kept her sane during her final year of undergrad. We’re in a better place but I want to be in the best place possible before we get married.

I’m not so much worried about our future together because she’s a great women and will make a great wife and mother for our children. I only ask this because I’ve read some horror stories on here and on other sites (I.E. Plebbit) about bad husbands who destroy the relationship because of incompetence or not showing their appreciation to their wife enough. She loves me with all her heart and I want to make her happy.

TLDR: She is happy but I want to make her happier, what do kiwis recommend? What are the little or big things I should pay special attention to?

 

[Schizoid Wife]

How do you become a better Boyfriend/Husband?

I’ve been thinking a lot over the last couple days as the due date has been set for me and my fiancée’s wedding. I love her with all my heart and want to prove each and everyday that she made the right decision in saying yes. Some Family issues/ job obligations have kept me from seeing her for quite sometime so I want to build up some habits before she sees me again and before we officially tie the knot. Our relationship is in a good place despite some hardships, the past year had some difficulties due to personal issues that caused some arguments (not in relation to the wedding) and for a while things were quite rocky but despite that she still stuck by my side and kept me sane through law school and I think I kept her sane during her final year of undergrad. We’re in a better place but I want to be in the best place possible before we get married.

I’m not so much worried about our future together because she’s a great women and will make a great wife and mother for our children. I only ask this because I’ve read some horror stories on here and on other sites (I.E. Plebbit) about bad husbands who destroy the relationship because of incompetence or not showing their appreciation to their wife enough. She loves me with all her heart and I want to make her happy.

TLDR: She is happy but I want to make her happier, what do kiwis recommend? What are the little or big things I should pay special attention to?

Just try to have some nice dates every now and then that actually correspond with either things she likes, or to show her something you like that you want her to know about. You don't even have to leave the house, just make sure to dedicate some quality time for the two of you to just enjoy life together. Bringing home the big bucks and showering someone with a ton of gifts isn't great in the long run, it's hollow and superficial. Women (and humans in general) want companionship and warmth. Look for things to enjoy together that make both of you happy, or at least make her happy.

 

[Local Farmer]

Just try to have some nice dates every now and then that actually correspond with either things she likes, or to show her something you like that you want her to know about. You don't even have to leave the house,

That’s the one thing I think we’ve been lacking on the most is going on more dates and that’s mostly fault, most weekends I’ve been studying or too exhausted to go on a date.

One of the dates we like to do every now and again is going on walks while playing Pokemon go. If any fellow kiwi that wants a good cheap date idea, get your gf obsessed with Pokemon Go and do that. We sometimes name a trade Pokémon with cute messages

But yeah, I want to put more of an emphasis on that part of our relationship. She’s very understanding of our financial position but I still feel like I should do more.

 

[CharcoalChkn]

I’m not so much worried about our future together because she’s a great women and will make a great wife and mother for our children.

Don't let her be the only one responsible for taking care of the children.

Help her with the eventual babies. Feeding, diaper changes, helping keep the house tidy.

So many man blow their load then sit back with a "well, my part of having a kid is done."

 

[Forsaken Wanderer]

Apologies I don't have a lot of time to sit down at the computer and when I do I fall to sleep instantly

You pay bills she cleans or pays someone to do it with her earned money. But sounds like shit just piled on in the house. Pay someone there are plenty available options around any town with more than 10k people. There is at least one migrant who does these jobs under the table and affordable. Paying to clean off the piles is best solution because it sounds like you are overwhelmed. Check the personal boards on the supermarkets there is at least one ad for help.

Make it one off or weekly your choice. Sometimes you need help to get started been there bud.

Thanks that is good advice but I want to make the environment slightly less toxified before I think about trying to find someone to pay to clean my house, make sure there is no alien ecosystem of pathogens that could make someone sick. My mum wants to clean it but I know I won't be able to find anything and things I am using will be thrown out.

Coming from someone with borderline zero social battery, married to someone with even less of that-no, but you do have to be social with your companion. Or rather, you have to get in the relationship with someone whom you actually want to spend time with, where you start missing them if you don't interact for a while. You need to genuinely desire do things together, or it's fucked. There are plenty of women that don't want to go do social shit, but you will still have to actually accommodate her interests to some degree, which will probably seem pointless/stupid to you due to your own 'tism. Basically, to have any chance of companionship, you will have to wrangle in that autism to a degree where you are actually able to care about something that doesn't interest you, unless you manage to find and date your genderbent 1:1 clone.

The problem is that women don't usually have interests. If they were passionate about something then maybe I could be interested as well, but if it is shopping for curtains and shoes I don't like going out to a store at all. I think a non puzzle piece woman would be best.

But then of course it could go the other way and you want to spend too much time with them.

@TapewormSalesman already answered the more complicated bit excellently, but yeah, I do still insist you have to clean your house before your lovequest begins.

Honestly, declutter and then clean. Work through it one room at a time. I do mean one room at time. Never bite off more than you can reasonably complete at a time. So one night you do your wardrobe, one night you do your drawers, another night you tackle your bookcase. Less crap is less crap to clean, and once you do a big clear out and clean, the maintenance of a space with a weekly clean is much much quicker and easier.

You can do most of what needs to be done with a hoover, a cleaning spray and some cloths for your surfaces and tables etc, bleach for the toilet and sinks. Window cleaner spray for your mirrors and inside windows. If you've got leather or fake leather furniture, a cloth dipped in a bit of washing up liquid in warm water will wipe it off just fine. You don't need much stuff, and even that clear-up-and-clean-down once a week will make everything much more pleasant for you to live in. Regularly disinfect your drains, especially your kitchen sink drain.

Decluttering and deep cleaning is a pain in the arse. I get it. It is also an enormously worthwhile investment of time in your living space and improves your mood and feelings of control of your life. Like you say, you're a homebody, so having a clean, tidy, pleasant smelling space to be a homebody in will genuinely lift your mood.

Thank you for the advice. What do you disinfect the drains with? Handy Andy?

I would like to start decluttering room by room but I get really bad allergies from dust so I have to find a time slot where I can deal with the allergins afterwards in peace. Also I don't really like dealing with dirty things, I know that may seem ironic, but I find it difficult to face such things, it's not germaphobia I don't think, more that I don't like filthy things.

I think if my house was what it was like when I moved in it would help my dour mood somewhat but getting it back to that point is going to be a herculean effort and I'm so worn down these days.

Yes you have to clean your house.
Just start throwing things away. Ive thrown out so much stupid shit Ive moved around with for years because I'm retarded. If I really need that shit in the future, Ill just buy it again.

I had a big pile of dishes I just couldnt seem to finish off. I realized I never really use them or needed them for months so I fucking chucked them. Now doing the dishes I have left is a breeze and I enjoy clean counters.

Well throwing away dishes is one way to not have to clean them. Surely you still use the same amount of dishes? I have so few cups and plates I have to wash them all the time so at least I can't let them pile up. I used to have a lot of stuff when I was younger but now I have surprisingly little but my house is still cluttered.

This isn't true. I know plenty of women with autistic ass boyfriends. Stop blaming predigest for your lack of bitches and do some introspection. It's probably a skill issue.

My boyfriend's place for example? Can we stop normalizing men's natural state of living being disgusting and dirty. Have some self respect and clean up after yourself like an adult. Women don't like man-children.

Your boyfriend has a girlfriend though so he has a drive to keep his house clean or you will complain. I try to be a machur adult as DSP likes to say but I don't think my brain is wired to be able to behave normally. What do you mean a skill issue, what do I need to learn?



@Dread First Damn bro did you lose your parents to a dirty coffee table accident or something? Seriously though you have to look at it from our perspective. If you live by yourself as a man then it's hard to find the time and energy to do more than the basic daily chores. You come home from work and all you want to do is close the curtains, grab a beer, and surf the internet. Who wants to work all day to then do chores all night, what kind of life is that? And you only live once. Maybe you will see that when you get a home of your own.

Also I don't have friends so I don't have anyone else in my house other than my cat and he is actively making the house more dirty with his muddy paws. I have no idea what women in my age bracket are doing but I can sympathize with the horrible chores they may have done.

I don't think anyone wants to live in a filthy house but it's just the way things go. Over time it gets overwhelming and the worst it gets the harder it is to turn things around. I used to keep the house fairly clean but year after year it just got too much to deal with everything and it all got worse. It's all entropy.

I don't have any want to do anything in life or any energy to do anything so I don't go outside and do anything. The only thing I can do is watch something on the internet. I don't even have time to play games these days. Books, well I can listen to an audiobook now and then but I don't have time to sit down and read. In my low energy short nights all I can do to pass the time is watch stuff there is nothing else to do.

Sadly I can't get shorter hours at work. I don't even get a break. I'm often late home. I'm on call from midnight till when I start at 6, and some weekends I'm on call as well. It's a high stress job that has taken up much of my life.

I can't see myself ever wanting to get in my car and go shopping for model trains anytime soon or doing anything out there, it's all pretty boring and bland, and life has lost all luster in this dark era.

Also I don't leave beer bottles or dishes around I do the basic daily chores, it's the weekly/monthly/yearly chores I struggle to get around to doing because my autistic schedule already takes up every single day and I can't really slot anything in.

At the end of the day we all will run into the end of the road, it's just a matter of when, and perhaps I've done my dash and I and my house are fading away into dust.

 

[CharcoalChkn]

The problem is that women don't usually have interests. If they were passionate about something then maybe I could be interested as well.

I am convinced that you have never met a woman in your life.

I am certain that you are just rage baiting though.

 

[Forsaken Wanderer]

I am convinced that you have never met a woman in your life.

I am certain that you are just rage baiting though.

I have never met a woman in my life. Sure, at work I sometimes have to fix their computer, but I've never actually had a conversation with a woman in real life before. I've not had friends since I was in primary school in the 90s either.

I'm not rage baiting, I hate my life and I've always loathed every moment I have to exist, and I have no idea what I'm meant to do if I don't enjoy life and I don't seem to have dopamine and every day is hell. The only thought I have is to maybe try and tick some things off my bucket list and somehow something will magically happen, and having a relationship is one thing I was thinking about experiencing before I fall off my perch. But apparently you have to meet so many requirements that it will take be decades to meet them.

 

[56 others]

I used to have a lot of stuff when I was younger but now I have surprisingly little but my house is still cluttered.

Be honest with yourself and get rid of the stuff you dont need. If youre averse to dumpstering stuff with value like me, put it on your curb. Just get rid of the shit, most specific use items can be replaced by 2 minutes of extra work.

 

[Local Farmer]

Don't let her be the only one responsible for taking care of the children.

Help her with the eventual babies. Feeding, diaper changes, helping keep the house tidy.

So many man blow their load then sit back with a "well, my part of having a kid is done."

I plan on being a mostly stay at home Dad for at least the first couple years of my Kid’s or Kids life, if that option is still available down the road which I think it will. If not I still do plan on helping her out when I can and give her nights off. I’m already quite the Night owl so I don’t think deciding a schedule will be that hard.

Sleep is the one thing I decided and told her that she should not be worried about at the very least since I know that’s what causes a lot of issues with post partum

Edit:
Yes I plan on still shitposting on this forum with my son and daughter in my lap

Semper Fi

 

[CharcoalChkn]

I have never met a woman in my life. Sure, at work I sometimes have to fix their computer, but I've never actually had a conversation with a woman in real life before. I've not had friends since I was in primary school in the 90s either.

IF I give you the benefit of the doubt here and you are not shitposting, how the fuck can you so boldly claim that "women do not have interests" if you admit you have never had a conversation with one?

It barely sounds like you have any interests yourself.

Truly, I think the best course of action for you is to see a doctor. You will get zero fulfilment from a relationship with your current state of thinking, a woman in your life will not magically fix your issues. You said yourself you cannot produce dopamine. That is a medical issue.

You will be amazed just how much better your quality of life will become once you actively take steps towards healthier living, it is hard, but eventually things start falling into place and each day gets better. Clean your house and see a doctor and BE HONEST WITH THEM. Give yourself a fresh start.

 

[Toji Suzuhara]

Yes I plan on still shitposting on this forum with my son and daughter in my lap

Does the account get passed down to the firstborn when you kick the bucket or do the two of them share it? Does it have a prefference for boys or for girls? Or do you have an elective system where all the relatives choose the one who will make the best poster?

The problem is that women don't usually have interests. If they were passionate about something then maybe I could be interested as well, but if it is shopping for curtains and shoes I don't like going out to a store at all. I think a non puzzle piece woman would be best.

They do have interests. Some are into the regular girly things, knitting, various art&crafts, writting, drawing, etc, stuff like that. There's of course some that are more tomboyish and are into some sport, as well as many of them that are into film. Some like cooking, others like poetry, some are into various vidya genres (but don't bet on that).

They will most likely not like exactly the same things that you do, and will not talk ablut those things that they do like in a straightforward of a way as a guy, but if you look closely, you can find what it is, and once you do, it is very simple to just stay there and not mess it all up

 

[Local Farmer]

Does the account get passed down to the firstborn when you kick the bucket or do the two of them share it? Does it have a prefference for boys or for girls? Or do you have an elective system where all the relatives choose the one who will make the best poster?

I plan to have them duke it out between themselves and some future lolcows.

I think my sons and daughter's could easily take on Jim Stewartson 2.0

 

[Pickman's Modeling Agency]

"Women don't have interests/hobbies" is just the man version of "wypipo don't season they food*".

Spoiler: *

According to idiots online, using fresh garlic, rosemary, parsley, etc out of your garden does not count as seasoning your food. Seasoning food is when you add pre-mixed dried spice blend.

I've heard plenty of men say women's interests are stupid and worthless, but asserting women have no interests at all is a new one.

 

[Justa Grata Honoria]

Thanks that is good advice but I want to make the environment slightly less toxified before I think about trying to find someone to pay to clean my house, make sure there is no alien ecosystem of pathogens that could make someone sick. My mum wants to clean it but I know I won't be able to find anything and things I am using will be thrown out

Trust me bro i am a janny seen it all . Most Jannies are used to that shit and probably worse and can keep a straight face. Or let your mom just put stuff you use regularly in a box and do not let her touch it .

 

[Friend of Dorothy Parker]

My mum wants to clean it but I know I won't be able to find anything and things I am using will be thrown out.

Spoiler: Stop. Get help. Clean.

I understand this urge, but it would be worth losing a few things to have a safe, clean, calm home. And fewer things = less mess and less stuff that needs cleaning. If there's super- important stuff, then put that stuff in a box or two and write KEEP on it in big letters, then let her help you. (And btw don't you dare let her do everything. Ask her to clean with you, not for you. And then you can know where things are, etc.) Or like @Justa Grata Honoria said, swallow your embarrassment and spend some bucks to have people come in. You could even pay an organizer to spend a few days with you helping/making you get rid of things and putting order to the rest. And THEN have cleaners come in. And thereafter, if the big periodic tasks are something you never get to, then pay for people to come in and do those.

As Justa also said, cleaners and declutterers have seen it all. Don't let embarrassment, or panic over "what if my favorite rubber band gets thrown away and I need it later" stand in the way of a real life improvement. The positive impact of a decent living space is worth more than momentary discomfort.

The problem is that women don't usually have interests.

Stop with this nonsense.

I would like to start decluttering room by room but I get really bad allergies from dust so I have to find a time slot where I can deal with the allergins afterwards in peace. Also I don't really like dealing with dirty things, I know that may seem ironic, but I find it difficult to face such things, it's not germaphobia I don't think, more that I don't like filthy things.

Really, no. Stop whining your way through life. No one likes filthy things. They're filthy.

Spoiler: Dust & decluttering

Get some gloves and a $2 dust mask. What gets rid of dust is dusting and vacuuming regularly. Do it regularly and you won't kick up so much cleaning. Just start somewhere. One room a day just to dust and vacuum wherever you can reach.

Then start decluttering. If it's really cluttered you won't have gotten all the dust with the first pass. That's OK. Pick the room. Start with one corner/area. Wipe things down with a damp rag. Rinse and wring it out frequently. Then do that as you go - wipe down, decide keep or toss (if keep you must decide where it will be kept, and put it there immediately). When decluttered, vacuum that area. Move to another area and do the same. You don't have to do the whole room at once, but you need to work on it everyday until the room is done. Take out the trash. If anything hasn't already been put in its home, do that now. You want clean surfaces, like with like, things accessible. If you can't get there, you need to toss more stuff.

Yes, it feels like a big and unpleasant job. It probably is. And doing it won't kill you.

More generally - make sure you're dusting with something that grabs the dust instead of stirring it up. Forget a feather duster. And vacuum your floors weekly, furniture monthly, and any blinds or curtains at least yearly. If dust is bad and bothersome, HEPA filter vacuum can help as well. There is also anti-allergen spray for periodic treatments if there's a real problem (cat dander can be an irritant). But as described sounds more just like you've got cluttered rooms that need work and regular cleaning.

And how's your kitchen? That's a very worthwhile place to start with big rewards.

Spoiler: Get your kitchen right

For starters just start running the dishwasher or doing dishes all the way to dry. Put them away then do the next load immediately, until there are no more dishes anywhere but in the cabinets. Put away any food - off the counters.

[SIDE NOTE - While clearing counters, take notes if you see you need a) anything to organize stuff and b) any groceries or supplies - this way you're accomplishing multiple things at once instead of having a whole separate chore. (Recommend generally putting up a piece of paper inside a cupboard or on the frig so you always have an active list of stuff to remember to buy.)]

If there's stuff on the counters that belongs in another room, just at least get it out of the kitchen. Now remove any small appliances or other things you keep on your counters all the time. As you pick up each one, consider whether you really need it out. Aim to find other homes for as much as possible. You don't need salt & pepper or napkins or oils or whatever sitting on counters. The more that's not in sight the better. It's the kitchen; you won't forget it if you don't see it.

Now you have clear counters and so it's super-easy to spray cleaner and wipe them down. Note that you may need to let it sit either to loosen crud or to sanitize. And you might want to clean them more than once. Do a clean or two, then maybe a sanitizing. Depends on dirtiness and material and whatever. Anything is good, though, so if you just do one pass, still good.

If you're motivated at seeing clean, maybe spray and clean cabinet and drawer fronts, too. Not necessary on your first effort, but great.

Now you bring back your counter stuff, one by one, again ideally finding a place put away to keep things. Clear counters are what you want. Easier to see dirt, easier to clean, very calming and satisfying and motivating.

Empty the trash can/bin, scrub it, let it soak in hot water and soap, then scrub again and hand-dry. If it is inside a cabinet, spray disinfectant/deodorizer in there before replacing your now clean bin. Use odor-killer garbage bags to line your bin/can.

Clean the stove top. Take out/off the burners and use mild soap*/cleaner and get rid of any food residue or dust. Wipe the knobs. Dust the hood if you have one.
*couple drops of original Dawn in a spray bottle of water is cheap and won't hurt any surface

Wipe the frig handles, oven handle, cabinet pulls. Open each drawer and wipe any stains off the top edge. Wipe or vacuum up any crumbs that found their way in there.

If you have a microwave, a bowl of vinegar and water with a paper towel over it for long enough to heat it will loosen any crud. Then wipe with the paper towel, scrub anything still stuck, then another wipe with a clean wet rag/towel to remove any vinegar smell.

Clean your sink. Dry with a clean towel/rag and shine it. Clean and dry and shine your faucets. Clean the disposal, if you have one, with odor-killing stuff, and do it at least monthly.

You can get more intense with tops of cabinets, which gather dust, and with all the nooks and crannies, but a solid clean as described without that will be good for a month or three, meaning you only have to deal with counters (clean and sanitize), sink, knobs/handles and a floor vac weeklyish. Deal with a really deep clean once or twice a year.

Spoiler: Daily maintenance

Kitchen - after you've done a solid clean/declutter, then daily or every other day just wipe down where you work, clean/shine you sink (I like bonami or barkeepers friend for cleaning sinks) and sweep. Don't let dishes pile up, and dry & put them away after you wash them. This is key.

One place I have occasionally read (it is an insane cleaning site) recommends shining your sink to start and end the day. In that case it's not a big deep clean, but a standard /quick scrub and faucet wiped down, plus DRY and shine everything. It's a good practice bc it requires you to have gotten shit out of the sink and put away/washed. I personally don't do it that often, but I promise you that a clean/shiny sink greeting you after work or first thing in the morning has way more positive effect than it reasonably should for such a small thing. It's a habit worth picking up.

Bathrooms - do a thorough clean and declutter. Then a decent clean every few weeks. In the meantime, for easy maintenance, (I think every few days is plenty, personally, but I guess daily makes it more a habit) the crazy cleaning site I mentioned recommends what she calls a swish & swipe. I'm copying the little explanation (spoilered below). I warn you: it is written in a very chatty, dopey way (like saying "swish & swipe") that makes it really grating to read (for me, anyway), but the advice is good. I bolded the operative parts so you can skip to the actual info:

Spoiler: bathroom maintenance

What does Swish and Swipe Mean?​

Dear Friends,

As part of my morning routine I clean my bathroom. Now this is not the crisis cleaning because company is coming and you have not touched the bathroom in months. This is a daily maintenance that keeps it company ready all the time! I know many of you don’t think that this needs to be done but I assure you that you deserve to clean and fresh smelling bathroom all the time too.

It don’t take much time to do this either. This is why I called it a swish and a swipe. Doesn’t that sound like a lick and a promise! Quick and easy! Here is how it works and once you establish this habit, your bathroom will never look and smell dirty again.

To accomplish this you need a couple of things to keep in your bathroom. I have my favorite window cleaner in each bathroom just for this purpose along with a roll of paper towels or old wash cloths. You can use what ever you like just so you don’t have to leave the room to swish and swipe. You will have no excuse to get sidetracked if you will do this.

Here is the swipe part. I take the window cleaner and a rag and wipe off the mirror and then the counter, faucets and sink. Bam it is just that fast. Now I do this as I am getting dressed and I put my things away. Do you hear me! put your stuff away as you use them this keeps your counter clear and easy to wipe down. Then I take that same paper towel or rag and head toward the toilet. I keep a toilet bowl brush beside each toilet in our home. They are kept in a crock (one like you put kitchen utensils in). I keep an all-purpose cleaner like old shampoo in it (not bathroom caustic cleaner). Soap is soap as far as I am concerned. You could use old shampoo that you hate or what ever you have. They are even making some great new toilet bowl brushes that are kept in cylinders that have lids. Now don’t do this if you have little children or pets that will get into this. Each take take the brush and let the excess cleaner drip off; if it is thick you may have to water down the solution a bit so it will drain well. Then take the toilet bowl brush and swish it around in the toilet. Even if you don’t use any soap; you will keep stuff from growing in there. Then wipe off the back of the toilet with the used paper towel or rag, then the seat, the rim and lastly the sides and floor. If you have little boys you know how they miss. Then toss the rag in the laundry or the paper towel in the trash. When you do this once a day you will find that your toilet is always fresh as a daisy.

There you have it Swish and Swipe! This takes all of about 1 minute from start to finish but you have to have everything in the bathroom so you have no excuses to not do this.

Now go gather up some window cleaner for the bathroom and look in the bathroom closet for some shampoo or some cleaner that will work for swishing the toilet. Nothing says I LOVE YOU like a Clean toilet to throw up in when you are sick!

FlyLady

If you live by yourself as a man then it's hard to find the time and energy to do more than the basic daily chores.

Living by yourself as a man is when you have the MOST time for everything. The MOST.

You come home from work and all you want to do is close the curtains, grab a beer, and surf the internet.

That is not "not having time." That is something ranging from depression to laziness to lack of imagination to simple bad habits, ymmv. It's also fine now and then, but maybe try thinking on your commute home about what thing you want to accomplish that night and how you'll do it. Get in the mindset before you get home and go on automatic pilot.

Who wants to work all day to then do chores all night, what kind of life is that?

Working and then surfing the net behind closed curtains is better in what way, please?

my cat and he is actively making the house more dirty with his muddy paws.

You need to clean up after your cat. And for your cat. Pets deserve clean, healthy places, too.

but I don't have time to sit down and read. In my low energy short nights all I can do to pass the time is watch stuff there is nothing else to do.

You keep saying you don't have time for anything, then saying that you are spending all your time wasting time because you don't want to do anything.

If you have time to zone out on the internet you have time to read. Time is time. If you feel you need to prioritize wasting time, or if wasting time is crowding out doing other things, then you have a problem.

it's all pretty boring and bland, and life has lost all luster in this dark era.

It's not actually an exceptionally dark era in terms of most people's daily lives. For most people not actually in a war or deprived environment, the darkness is personal. It gets confused bc struggling people talking to other struggling people begin to develop a view that the whole world is this way or that it's external forces causing it. Sure, some sensitive folks might feel world-weary or even anxious about the state of the world, but if there's nothing going internally wrong, it would not result in the total anhedonia you seem to be describing. The call is coming from inside the house.

Also I don't leave beer bottles or dishes around I do the basic daily chores, it's the weekly/monthly/yearly chores I struggle to get around to doing because my autistic schedule already takes up every single day and I can't really slot anything in.

You can, though. You can dedicate 15, 30, or 60 minutes to a task, a chore, 10 pages of a book, making a 10-step list for how you're going to clean your kitchen this weekend (esp since I already outlined it for you). You can take 10, 20, 30 minutes to go stand outside, walk around the block, or stare at a tree.

Also: sit down and put tasks on a calendar. Set up reminders and keep the calendar in plain sight. Tape it to a kitchen cupboard or something.

The real problem?

Spoiler: Be real

Doing any of those things requires you to let go of your security blanket. Which is "the screen," in one version or another You know it, I know it, we all know it.

You might say no, it's my tism, it's because I have a dark view, it's a dark time, there's no time, I'm too tired, everyone needs downtime.... Even if all if those things are true, that's all just trying avoid facing off the biggest culprit, which is the internet and that you are literally addicted to it, to the point of portraying it as the only beacon of light you have; it is your deserved treat in an otherwise bleak day.

That's exactly how alcoholics and smokers and overeaters feel, too. What starts as an occasional and acceptable indulgence grows over over time and becomes that one thing that is always there, always easy, provides a little comfort...and then the absence of it provokes a little anxiety, maybe more than a little, and you retreat from the world more and more to spend time with it, so now it takes up more and more of your time and makes everything else seem like too much work or not worth the effort, and on, until it's about all you have - or want.

If you're rearranging life around something that claims xx% of your non-working time and it is a dependent, doesn't pay your bills or send oxygen to your muscles or sharpen your wits or feed the starving, then you're spending too much time on it. And if the time you're spending on it results in declined standard of life - a cluttered, dusty home you yourself think isn't really fit to be seen by anyone else, for example - or declined prospects for the future (how are you going to marry if no one can see your home?) - then you have a problem. And the problem is that thing you're pouring your life and time into.

Break that habit, and even if you may never become Mr. Happy-go-lucky, you'll at least see a few more colors in your landscape.

The only thought I have is to maybe try and tick some things off my bucket list and somehow something will magically happen, and

First clean your space. Then break some bad habits. Then aim for the rest.

having a relationship is one thing I was thinking about experiencing before I fall off my perch.

You are not ready for a relationship.

And a relationship is not a "thing" to have and to serve your purposes.

I am sincerely sad for you if you've never had companionship of any kind. Not everyone needs or wants a million friends or romances, and many people have periods of loneliness or solitariness, but nearly everyone deserves to experience connection at some point. So I have compassion for you and feeling lost or adrift. Can't solve for that, but I think that if you start with a better living space and some rejiggering of habits, you'll be in a much better place to take on finding a relationship or friends.

Also, you mentioned your mum - do you see her often?

 

[Toji Suzuhara]

According to idiots online, using fresh garlic, rosemary, parsley, etc out of your garden does not count as seasoning your food. Seasoning food is when you add pre-mixed dried spice blend.

But how do you know if it's truly seasoning if it doesn't have "seasoning" written on it? Checkmate, crackas

 

[DavidS877]

But how do you know if it's truly seasoning if it doesn't have "seasoning" written on it? Checkmate, crackas

Also, you have to use the right seasoning. There's beef seasoning, chicken seasoning, fish seasoning. If you just throw random things together you might do it wrong, best to use the correct one to start with.

 

[isalaide]

@Friend of Dorothy Parker If you ever feel like a career change, the life coaching business needs you badly. Fuck, I need life coaching like that. That was fire.

@Forsaken Wanderer Do as the lady says. All of it.

the one thing I'd add is my favourite advice from my mother-in-law when I get overwhelmed. Which is pretty regular, since I'm compelled to constantly bite off more than I can chew.
"How do you eat an elephant, darling? One bite at a time."
Of course you are overwhelmed by where you are in terms of your living situation. it's an elephant. You are going to eat it one bite at a time. Even if you set yourself 30 minutes every night after work, literally set an alarm for 30 minutes, spend that 30 minutes decluttering or cleaning. When the alarm goes off, stop. That's your bite for the day. Force yourself to do it even when you really can't be fucked. You will be stone amazed at how much shit you can actually get done in three and a half hours a week - that's half an average work day.

If you feel you can push it to an hour some days, do that. You will find everything much less overwhelming as you start to see little improvements here and there.

You can eat this fucking elephant. Even the bones. But you have to start taking bites.

 

[Friend of Dorothy Parker]

@Friend of Dorothy Parker If you ever feel like a career change, the life coaching business needs you badly. Fuck, I need life coaching like that. That was fire.

Thank you!

@Forsaken Wanderer Do as the lady says. All of it.

the one thing I'd add is my favourite advice from my mother-in-law when I get overwhelmed. Which is pretty regular, since I'm compelled to constantly bite off more than I can chew.
"How do you eat an elephant, darling? One bite at a time."

I love this.

Even effective people have to rewire or redirect pathways sometimes. "What if"/"but..." thinking can be good in a certain strategic planning ways - unless and until it interferes with actually getting down to work.

I totally agree that committing to "OK, work on this thing for x time, and that's all you are doing today" is a great way to go to reduce the overwhelm.

A lot of life is getting over pushing through fear.

You will find everything much less overwhelming as you start to see little improvements here and there.

And seeing that you can actually execute, and that there is payoff, even small, will both pay practical dividends and reinforce your internal sense of personal ability to accomplish things.

You can eat this fucking elephant. Even the bones. But you have to start taking bites.

This is a worthy mantra.

And even an 8/10 quality project that is completed is worth ~infinityx an incomplete, unexecuted, or unattempted 10/10.