I can't do anything right
I've been trying to get a job. My parents have been asking about it. they financially support me but still expect me to get at least a part time job. i've been trying to work at Amazon, but keep canceling my interview and rescheduling. Today i finally decided to do it, go to the stupid interview, and get my first job. I'm 19, i've never had a job before, I need to stop acting like a child and get one!
i've felt like shit all week, but managed to get up, get dressed, and go to the interview. but something happened when i got in the parking lot, I suddenly got shaky and my heart was beating so fast, suddenly my ears sounded like i was under water. I felt sick with dread and started crying, Idk why but I was so scared and upset. I ended up leaving and coming back home. I drank some water and then laid down and passed out.
i woke up and saw my mom had called me twice. I called her and i guess I sounded bad, bc she was very worried for me. She asked to Facetime but i refused bc I look like shit and i haven't been eating, she would be able to tell i've lost weight and relapsing, she would definitely make me come back home. i lied to my mom about my job interview, I told her they canceled it and moved it to next week. I feel bad lying but i can't be honest about this.
I'm such a failure at everything. i can't even get a job. There are 15 year olds that get jobs no problem yet I can't. This move was supposed to be my fresh start as a grown adult woman living on her own and yet i've failed every step of the way.
I have to get a job soon, i can't lie to my parents for ever. but what is even the point of working and trying to have a grown up life... my life sucks. I feel like i was lied to and all i do is lie to everyone also. i'm just a huge liar i guess. My parents have no idea of all the shit that's happened to me since i got here. They don't know i was assaulted, that my phone broke, that i haven't been eating, that i haven't been showering or keeping my apartment clean, or that i sleep all day. what really sucks is i wish I could talk to them, but i just can't. I don't want to go back to living with dad, I want to be on my own. How would I even word how I'm feeling to them? I'm still trying to figure out what's wrong with me. I looked in the mirror earlier and felt disgust at my reflection. i look like a cancer patient. i've been avoiding mirrors lately.
my head really hurts rn and I feel terrible, I tried to eat some soup but I felt sick instantly. I threw the soup out and felt bad for wasting food, another thing i can't do right.
i dont know what to do anymore. I wish i had the courage to walk out in front of traffic. At least then my parents would think it was an accident. but i'm too scared to that. so I guess i'll just lay in bed doing nothing but wasting oxygen. i'm such waste