Ethan Ralph, Fugitive from Justice

[Oliver Onions]

Shakespeare, Dostoevsky, Ralph - they all were the greatest writers of their time. Speaking of Dostoevsky, he described the rage pig with astonishing precision.
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Do you happen to know what book this extract comes from? It made for good reading. Also hilarious that even in Dostoevsky's time the foundations of a lolcow were well established.

Rage Pig would end up being one of the baked mummies Border Patrol finds every year in remote areas of sparsely patrolled national parks on the border.

I was thinking more along the lines of the fat guy in the very first Saw movie who guts himself trying to crawl through razorwire. Ethan Ralph would be a perfect candidate for Jigsaw, come to think of it; that should be Sam Hyde's next project.

 

[Capt. Jean Luc Ritard]

Do you happen to know what book this extract comes from? It made for good reading. Also hilarious that even in Dostoevsky's time the foundations of a lolcow were well established.

I was thinking more along the lines of the fat guy in the very first Saw movie who guts himself trying to crawl through razorwire. Ethan Ralph would be a perfect candidate for Jigsaw, come to think of it; that should be Sam Hyde's next project.

"99 of the bottles in front of you are piss, and only 1 of them has the antidote. In order to find the antidote you must...wait, don't you wanna know the clue to which one is the antidote? You're just gonna drink all of 'em huh? Ok."

 

[AncientPhosphur]

I asked AI what it would be like if Ethan Ralph tried to enter the US while having an open warrant for his arrest and it just gave me this image. What mean?

 

[Rage Pig]

Do you happen to know what book this extract comes from? It made for good reading. Also hilarious that even in Dostoevsky's time the foundations of a lolcow were well established.

 

[Heavy Rainfall2]

I didn't expect the judge to reply so quickly lmao. Gunt is truly fucked at this point. May as well just have one final pillstream and go face the music. I can't really see anything else he can do, I don't think he can hide out in Mexico forever

 

[bile demon]

If Ralph was smart, he could easily fool the authorities by discarding his clothes, skinning his cats for pelts to fashion into a loincloth, sharpening a wooden stick into a spear, rolling around in a pit of tar, and then entering the US as a Pygmy exchange student.

 

[Ethan Ralph's Low IQ]

Ralph's anxiety has to be through the roof. During his show he'll weave in warrant cope while an unrelated news clip plays. "It's only a thousand dollar fine... it's just a misdemeanor...I wouldn't even serve a week... Mexico doesn't extradite residents ... I've been through worse.." [x10]

Ralph can and will make this as painful a process for himself as possible. I'm reminded of a Shakespeare quote from funnily enough Julius Caesar: "Cowards die many times before their deaths. The valiant never taste death but once."

Being Ethan Ralph is both his greatest crime, and most severe punishment

 

[Bill Nyehilism]

Or he could simply stop hiding, move back to the U.S., have a few rough years experiencing the consequences of his actions, and begin building his life in his early 50s.

“early 50s”

Lmao, I spit up my coffee reading this. This guy is so fucked it’s never been so over.

 

[REGENDarySumanai]

I didn't expect the judge to reply so quickly lmao. Gunt is truly fucked at this point. May as well just have one final pillstream and go face the music. I can't really see anything else he can do, I don't think he can hide out in Mexico forever

He's probably gonna be immigrating to another country by this point.

 

[JustStopDude]

I notice that Ralph keeps saying that he doesn't want to get a lawyer because it would set him back $3k when the fine at most is only $1k. So his big brain solution is that he is just going to get a public defender.

I'm not sure why Ralph thinks it works this way. You can't just ask for a PD. You have to prove you are broke. I mean really fucking broke. In some municipalities, simply having a vehicle, no matter how beat up and old, is enough to prevent you from getting a PD.

As broke as Ralph is, and he can't afford a passport for the country his daddy gave him, I'm almost certain that Ralph is too rich to get a public defender. He is going to have to prove to the court how broke he is.

For some reason, he also thinks he will be allowed to go back to Mexico if he posts bond.

Based on the legal advice Ralph is working with, Nick really needs to lay off the cocaine and booze.

 

[HackerX]

He's probably gonna be immigrating to another country by this point.

Idk what he expects to get from leaving the most US expat-friendly destination imaginable. It's not like the plights that plague him in Merida will stop following him if he ventures into South America. If anything, he needs to sit tight and accept his fate. Anything other than going to Minnesota or staying in Merida will only expedite his final move. Visiting Sandra down there in black heaven.

 

[MadStan]

Even if he wanted a public defender, he has no residency in Minnesota to even talk to one beforehand, his only option is to turn up, get arrested and then get the defender once arrested.

He can't even get Nick to do anything because he has a conflict of interest with the case Ethan is in contempt with.\

It is checkmate.

But what WE REALLY want to see are the abusive messages Ethan is flooding Nick with demanding he pay for a lawyer "or else he spills the beans." Once you roll with a stinking pig, the stink clings for a long time.

 

[Harvey Danger]

The letter itself was funny enough but this is a whole new level. I know it's just a standard court practice to write DENIED in all caps but it really comes off as the judge mocking Ralph. I don't know what's going on in that small county but I hope they're having as much fun as I am.

Maybe the real a-logs were the judges the Sektur met along the way.

 

[lester]

I love how he's flexing with his chilaquiiles.

Hey, I wouldn't eat that shit if you paid me. But every recipe I see for that stuff...that ain't it. Not even close.

​

 

[Strix454]

I don't think Ralph has many options other than surrendering at the border and having them pay to drag him to Minnesota. Its not going to be worth even getting an attorney involved. Because the judge is going to do whatever the judge is going to anyway. Its a misdemeanor so the fine isn't going to be massive. Maybe the judge could give him a little time in county lock-up, but that is about it. If the judge were to get out of line with the sentence, then he could get a public defender.

 

[Capt. Jean Luc Ritard]

I hope Ralph doesn't find out the legal loophole where if you're driving a teeny motorcycle you can't get arrested

 

[HackerX]

I don't think Ralph has many options other than surrendering at the border and having them pay to drag him to Minnesota. Its not going to be worth even getting an attorney involved. Because the judge is going to do whatever the judge is going to anyway. Its a misdemeanor so the fine isn't going to be massive. Maybe the judge could give him a little time in county lock-up, but that is about it. If the judge were to get out of line with the sentence, then he could get a public defender.

I'm really curious if they'd force Ralph to pay the costs associated with his extradition. I imagine that's typically not thrust on the extradited, but it wouldn't shock me if it happens. Ralph made a mockery of the court with the offense and has been flaunting piggedly during his therapy sessions on stream. It's very easy to assume Ralph's blogpost letter was made solely for content if you look at it from an outside perspective. If the decision on who pays his extradition costs is per someone's discretion, Ralph isn't doing himself any favors.

 

[Drunkensailor]

You prostrate punchers have way too much faith in the competence of our border/police officers. Ethan will score a massive W by crossing the border on foot (legally) and visit his son. Xander will hug him, call him Dad, and tell him he loves him. I personally cannot wait for the upcoming felting of the farms and by extension Johm Potter, when Ethan makes it over the border unscathed.

 

[There Is Light At The End]

I hope Ralph doesn't find out the legal loophole where if you're driving a teeny motorcycle you can't get arrested

No, the loophole is driving a unicycle, while dressed in cocktail dress with native American face paint, while singing USA anthem without a pause. Juggling is optional, but it gets extra immunity from border patrols

 

[unfer]

I was thinking more along the lines of the fat guy in the very first Saw movie who guts himself trying to crawl through razorwire. Ethan Ralph would be a perfect candidate for Jigsaw, come to think of it; that should be Sam Hyde's next project.

"ETHAN RALPH... TO LIVE, YOU MUST EAT THIS BUCKET OF SHIT TO RETRIEVE THE KEY AT THE BOT-"

"...WELL FUCK"