How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

[Rekeita's Kidneys]

I know it's a bit of a reach but maybe try to talk with someone from this thread regulars? Just for distracting yourself from all this suicidal tendencies for a while.
Might help, might not... who knows.

Seeing text on a screen only does so much. I practically live on this fucking website. Can't go anywhere else besides shitty ass discord but even then nobody ever talks.
I'm isolated. I do go "outside" and "do things" and absolutely nothing comes of it. My life is fucked man.

 

[(((I am NOT a jew)))]

I haven't talked with a human being in 2 weeks.

How about you do that.

Even as someone who has anxiety bro, you're not gonna die from saying hi to someone. Order a coffee or something. Hold the door open for someone. Go to a movie. Touch some grass, nigga.

 

[Rekeita's Kidneys]

I do these things. I am treated like a freak. I'm beginning to believe I'm not autistic, but I have ASPD or something else.
Whatever label the psych gives me, my brain is fucking fried and there's no fixing it.

How about you do that.

Even as someone who has anxiety bro, you're not gonna die from saying hi to someone. Order a coffee or something. Hold the door open for someone. Go to a movie. Touch some grass, nigga.

 

[(((I am NOT a jew)))]

I practically live on this fucking website.

do go "outside" and "do things" and absolutely nothing comes of it.

My brother in christ, what do you do? Is there anything you have a passion for besides company? I know the feeling but the main thing keeping me locked up is the lack of ability to go places.

Stop with the labels. Go out, do something, talk to someone for five minutes without saying nigger or bringing up your autism, and you'll be okay.
Dude I can be an absolute fucking sperg sometimes. I'm a goofy goober. But I can still talk to people because I just realized a long time ago I'm not gonna die doing it. If someone looks at me weird, yeah it hurts. But I just keep putting myself out there.

I think the issue is you already have the answer you want. You want to talk about how you're a failed defect and should just die. I'm not buying it. I mean, I'm sure you feel that way... but that's not the way things have to be. You're setting yourself up for failure.

"Hey guys all I do is call myself an autistic loser and proudly proclaim wanting to eat a magnum while fucking off on Discord... why hasn't things changed?1?111!!/1!1/w2kjwunkisgbvnwuvbhjfdksu"

C'mon man. I'm not saying it's not hard but if you actively went outside for three days a week and just got over the fear you'd get over this so fast.

 

[Rekeita's Kidneys]

My brother in christ, what do you do? Is there anything you have a passion for besides company? I know the feeling but the main thing keeping me locked up is the lack of ability to go places.

I go to a local brewery, get stared and treated like shit. I lift weights and walk around my area. I try different meetups and apps to meet people. Nothing comes of it.

I do not deal with petty shit like "anxiety". I'm just fundamentally flawed as a human being. I do everything I am told to do and it amounts to jack shit.

 

[(((I am NOT a jew)))]

go to a local brewery, get stared and treated like shit. I lift weights and walk around my area.

I mean, what do they do? It could just be that one spot? Has anyone said or done anything particularly rude?
Have you asked some dude at the gym how they got their form? Have you told someone their shirt was cool? Have you made banter with someone in an overly long line at the grocery store? Have you given someone a compliment?
Have you initiated any conversations with people?

I'm not saying it's not rough. I'm just saying as someone who's a fellow sperg that people can be remarkably easygoing if you just drop the fear. Now building a relationship with said people after a good conversation I can't help you with. People are weird now. But if you get out more and more and are around people you might be able to build those.

 

[Rekeita's Kidneys]

I mean, what do they do? It could just be that one spot? Has anyone said or done anything particularly rude?
Have you asked some dude at the gym how they got their form? Have you told someone their shirt was cool? Have you made banter with someone in an overly long line at the grocery store? Have you given someone a compliment?
Have you initiated any conversations with people?

I'm not saying it's not rough. I'm just saying as someone who's a fellow sperg that people can be remarkably easygoing if you just drop the fear. Now building a relationship with said people after a good conversation I can't help you with. People are weird now. But if you get out more and more and are around people you might be able to build those.

I get called autistic, psychopath, et cetera to my face. I do nothing to harm them but I believe they can just sense something is fundamentally wrong with my brain.
I attempt conversations with people but I have zero clue how to "play along". I've had "friends" but I've cut them all of since I cannot stand faking emotion and playing pretend for their amusement. I'm a hollow broken being, I don't know what it is but quite frankly, putting a label on it fixes nothing.

Whatever is wrong, it cannot be fixed.

 

[(((I am NOT a jew)))]

I get called autistic, psychopath, et cetera to my face.

That sounds rough to go through.

Whatever is wrong, it cannot be fixed.

I just feel like you've already arrived at your decision.
You've said you haven't spoken to people in weeks so I assumed you weren't going out to do things that would allow that.
If all that is true, I'm sorry you're going through it.
But maybe people don't have to be your main source of importance?
Maybe excelling at getting your body to a specific standard, writing, learning an instrument, or becoming an advocate for people who are similar to you could be the thing. Maybe there's an autism group out there you could join?
Maybe you're not on this Earth to be a people person. Maybe you've got another calling. You could lean into whatever you enjoy doing more.

I just don't think talking about wanting to empty a gun in your mouth and talking about having autism on the lolcow site is the best move.
I know I share too much on here but dude this site can become pretty... harsh if you're a specific type of person. It's a nice place to visit but you don't want to stay here.

 

[Rekeita's Kidneys]

That sounds rough to go through.

I just feel like you've already arrived at your decision.
You've said you haven't spoken to people in weeks so I assumed you weren't going out to do things that would allow that.
If all that is true, I'm sorry you're going through it.
But maybe people don't have to be your main source of importance?
Maybe excelling at getting your body to a specific standard, writing, learning an instrument, or becoming an advocate for people who are similar to you could be the thing. Maybe there's an autism group out there you could join?
Maybe you're not on this Earth to be a people person. Maybe you've got another calling. You could lean into whatever you enjoy doing more.

I just don't think talking about wanting to empty a gun in your mouth and talking about having autism on the lolcow site is the best move.

I give up, quite frankly there is nothing I can do. I can barely manage holding down a job, my family is old and resents me, I am incapable of being loved or showing it, I cannot have friendships.
I'm just not human. I don't know what I am, maybe just a collection of ideas, an abstract.

I've attempting joining groups with other autistic people and quite frankly I cannot fucking stand them. They remind me of myself and I find them absolutely insufferable. Now with the tranny problem it is 10x worse.
I believe most autistics lack self awareness. They are extreme narcissists and that is why they fall into cults and sexual deviancy.

Thankfully I know to not do those things as I find them absolutely detestable. Self awareness is both a blessing and a miserable curse.

I use this place to guide myself, as odd as that sounds. I do not want to end up like any of the cows. I've seen people I knew personally devolve into sex pest bullshit and other disgusting filth.
I don't use 4chan anymore, hell I use nothing else as it sickens me to the core. 4chan is completely unusable with the porn spam and other filth. Social media in general is full of normal people and retards I cannot stand to be around.

 

[Not A Bunny]

It's been a long fucking week.

I've opted out of the business dinners at the big week-long company meeting, because I'm sick of playing the game in a business that has never hesitated to express how much it absolutely fucking hates me. And I'm tired of people telling me "it's just this job, you'll get through it".

It's NOT this job. It's my entire fucking career.

In every job I've had as an adult, I've been underestimated, ignored, disrespected, condescended to, hit on, bullied, boxed out of jobs I wanted or some combination of any of those, even when I've been given team lead positions. I know there is nothing I can do to help being small, young-looking and let's face it, female, but I can't say those didn't have anything to do with it. The problem is: I've got great performance reviews from every job I've ever had, including one from a job that a month later I was fired from for political reasons (yes, that was my own fault).

Everyone who talks to me about this (and this is pretty much everyone I work with at this point aside from the people who don't care or actively don't like me), reassures me by talking about this job as if it's somehow unique. It's not.

They tell you to jump through the hoops, shake the hands, wear the monkey suit and grownup outfits, get the Master's degree. And I fucking did all of that. And where did it get me? I'm a fucking PowerPoint engineer, and everyone around me keeps telling me I'm doing a good job and I can't imagine for a second where they're getting that impression from. I feel like I've been a token female, that I've been tolerated and artificially propped up, and that currently, I'm being carefully micro-managed by the people around me.

Oh and on top of that, I have to change my diet because my health is absolutely in the dirt. So, I've got that going for me.

Bear in mind, I'm not suicidal, not in any way. But when you put in this much time into what you do with your life and you see what's become of it, what is your life?

For the record, I have a career coach that I'm talking to that seems that he understands what I'm going through, and I'm working on transitioning the hell out of this vortex of absolute fucking misery. Really, if I had a "dream" job at this point, it would be something where everyone trusts me and leaves me alone to do my job without much supervision. Why is that so fucking difficult?

 

[DenseDeerFather]

Had to launch another complaint about my neighbor. She decided to hit my windows with a broom on the inside because they stood open. Why? Fuck if I know. But it only stopped when I closed the windows. It's a slightly warm day today. Let me have my windows open and fucking leave me alone, you schizo cunt.

I also have video evidence of the noise incident from a few days ago so that went into the mail.

Nothing will come of this but hopefully if enough emails are sent by me and maybe other tenants, they will eventually realize that they have an actual issue on their hands and do something about it.

I don't know about you but it's not a good look when you have a cheap apartment that's in good condition remain empty for years because you are morally obligated to warn potential tenants about their would be neighbor.

I'm genuinely kinda irritated and upset about this whole thing. It's not fair that I can't relax at home without wondering if my neighbor decides to randomly harrass me today.

 

[666NASTYFUCKINGFREAK666]

I need one good solid reason to not lodge a Winchester .38 special JHP in my skull. One solid fucking reason that isn't some delusional stoic nonsense.
I cannot stand being on this stupid fucking planet, the pills do nothing. The "talk therapy" is absolutely fucking worthless and the cunt doesn't even speak. I pay 100$ a fucking session with my gibsmedats just to have some jew cunt go "uh huh" every 5 minutes or so.

I'm losing my fucking marbles, I haven't talked with a human being in 2 weeks.

Try trolling on the internet, it helps me. Currently playing Arma Reforger with hacks; somehow you can fly around (even with vehicles) in the air at mach 5 and fuck everyone's day up with aimbot, its hilarious.

 

[Rekeita's Kidneys]

Try trolling on the internet, it helps me. Currently playing Arma Reforger with hacks; somehow you can fly around (even with vehicles) in the air at mach 5 and fuck everyone's day up with aimbot, its hilarious.

How do you think I ended up here friend? Lol

 

[666NASTYFUCKINGFREAK666]

How do you think I ended up here friend? Lol

TROLL HARDER

 

[Rekeita's Kidneys]

TROLL HARDER

Wrong in every last conceivable detail child. Wait. For. The. Knock.

 

[Juan But Not Forgotten]

I've had especially shitty day at my job. Partially my fault, partially just bad luck but by the end of it I expected to get fired and if not I wanted quit myself. Then I come back to my place only to realize that some other asshole was there and took some stuff. I don't lock the door since I have no neighbors, I live in the middle of nowhere. Who the fuck could it be? It seems they didn't get beyond the first door and took less than 50 bucks worth of stuff, but I have no idea who or why. I am not scared just... Why would you enter someone's home to take a bottle of washing machine liquid and a bike basket? I really didn't need this right now. I was at my lowest during this week and just when I got better - boom, take that, bitch

 

[CoolFool]

I am so bored with my life.

 

[Rekeita's Kidneys]

Made the mistake of "going outside" like I have been shilled over and over again.
I cannot fucking stand the people here. Absolutely retarded niggercattle with fucking nothing interesting to say.

I don't even know if I genuinely want friends! There is fucking nothing redeemable about the people here. Nothing. They are copy paste personalities with the intelligence of a toddler. I am extremely bored with trying to talk to the "normal people".

I probably am becoming a sociopath.

 

[BABANGUIDE64]

I'm shallow, arrogant, empty and I want to be normal.

 

[Brett DeLawyer]

Why would you enter someone's home to take a bottle of washing machine liquid and a bike basket?