How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

[obsdj]

My cat purred and head-butted me. My cat is nice.

All of you fuckers are lying about having cats. Prove me wrong.

 

[Core Theorist]

All of you fuckers are lying about having cats. Prove me wrong.

No, it is you who is lying, stalker child. Enjoy prison (and no cats).

 

[Rekeita's Kidneys]

The only time I felt alive recently was playing roulette with my .38 S&W.

I'm an empty husk of a man with nothing to show for the world besides being a use of resources and space.

I'll be shocked if I make it to 30.

 

[BABANGUIDE64]

When I had restraints of education and a fear of conscription I wished I had been free from these, I felt anxious of making a slip and getting drafted. Fortunately, I evaded that.
It's the second year I can consider myself a free man living by my own. And now I just feel empty, I have no feel of intrinsic value, I don't feel any agency.
I don't need myself, neither does anyone.
Being valued by others but myself is not better, it all just goes to waste for nothing, for me. And I just can't grasp, where it all went wrong for me.

 

[Juan But Not Forgotten]

All of you fuckers are lying about having cats. Prove me wrong.

My cat thinks she is Batwoman

 

[Vapor Sauce]

Well we get to talking about her and eventually he just up and shows me on his phone some of the photos she sent him a while back and I just kind of... felt like shit.

I can relate to this. Whenever dudes would show off pictures of women they had or just generally went on about getting laid or whatever it would aggravate me. Unless it's my friend I don't want to hear it because you're just trying to start shit.

 

[IKOL]

Currently reflect on stuff again, both past and present. I've hit a wall again so the only logical solution is to re-enable my need to dig myself through and throughout. I'm sick of this because I noticed that I do it way too often now. One one hand it's not much of a problem, I just need to analyze how and with what to meet my current ends, one the other hand I'm frustrated beyond any reasoning now because I can't fucking take this bullshit anymore.
Hundred of interviews in a span of two months and no positive feedback, I'm jobless, have a loan to pay for my laptop, the unemployment department ain't helping in this issue either and just spoon feed me a set of shitty offers that pay just a bit more than minimal salary for a living.

They think that I might to reconsider and to actually go for a govt appointed job and work as law consultant. I'm not going to and am not willing doing this shit at all, I tried, it's not my shtick, let alone I never wanted to go this road despite my degree. And to be honest that degree I've got is just useless no matter how you'd look at it, almost 10 years without practice or remaining knowledge after all. At least I've got one for free...

I'll continue my rant later, need to get my thoughts together cuz there's too much of frustration and outside interference to deal with

 

[Rick Nekieta]

GOD DAMNED GOOD!!!

2 weeks ago, my best blood pressure at the doctor's was 163/107 after two attempts. I was getting my BP taken under the worst conditions at the worst possible times. I got transferred from the weak med to the strong med. This morning, at 10;30 Central, I got a 110/70 which is my best blood pressure EVER by taking it under the absolute best of conditions. Going on vacation and taking time away from the market, drastically reducing caffeine/nicotine and gaining control over certain life scenarios did wonders for my BP. Not watching the market constantly and raging about things beyond my control went a long ways. I did smoke and eat immediately after the BP check, so it is probably more like 130/80 now, but fucking still. I did put my thumb on the scale in every way possible, but i DID color within the lines and that is a genuine result by a genuine medical professional who was NOT putting her thumb on the scale. Fricking amazing progress on the health front. Building up endurance with exercise and just fucking killing it physically. Don't ask me about how my stocks are doing though.

Deleted in edit: Statement that no longer applies

 

[GettrGriftr]

I'm fasting, so naturally I'm hangry.

 

[DenseDeerFather]

Also I got invited to a not-TED talk about autism as part of a "mental health awareness" initiative since I too am a loon. I kinda wanna not go since I'm a bit exhausted these days.

So the TED talk.

Spoiler: Autism Speaks

People were having a debate about our dog-shit Healthcare system and that ate a good chunk of time. An actual autist was up there, speaking about how he lives life as an autist and what it took to get help.

There were other autists in the audience, apparently having some kind of validation moment because one was like "I tend to do stimming. Please explain to the audience what stimming is."

Okay but why?

The psychiatrist up there really confounded me with her contradictions.
"Autism is a disability"
"Neurodiversity is just a different type of being. It's a natural mindset."
Pick one.

Anyway she went in deep with "how autism has a very wide array of symptoms and some people hide it very well so they are autistic but you wouldn't know unless they told you or some people only have a few symptons" and "we are changing the terms to autism spectrum disorder so there will no longer be any need for 'subcategories like Aspergers but it takes time"

Ok. Honestly all this sort of makes me begin to wonder what autism even is anymore. And that comes from someone in the light end of the spectrum. Shit, at this point, everyone in the world has autism.

Also when I got back home, my neighbor went balls to the walls, high on weed or something. She opened her door to yell at me in the hallway, speaking in slurred English. I just nodded and smiled and hurried inside because fuck that. She kept yapping and blabbing, then decided to play very loud music and sing horribly off-tune to Aerosmith.

I recorded some of it because we have rules about noise regulations here.

So today I¨m really tired.

Also, there's a month and a day until my birthday and I will be two years from a big round zero. It gives me a slight identity crisis.

 

[MARlNA]

Depression has been getting worse, which sucks. Haven't had much desire to do anything I normally love (makeup, draw, game, run, etc.), so I don't really feel like myself. At least shitposting is still fun.

 

[IKOL]

I'll continue my rant later, need to get my thoughts together cuz there's too much of frustration and outside interference to deal with

Okay so.... ugh, the situation unfolds like this... I'll have to powerlevel and possibly phonebook myself so bear with me.

Spoiler

I've already have mentioned my issue with getting employed. Sure it's been just two months, nothing special or serious to care about, right? well no, there are things to care about, some real issues.
First of all is a loan I have, I took one in August in need to buy myself new laptop cuz old one got to act very bad, so it was a matter of if I want to stick to a dying piece of hardware that, however, have served me well and helped to cope with certain issues back in a day (via digital drawing, as per usual), and if it dies not going for anything else. Or take a new one and continue to work on my thing. I picked the second option. Sure there were certain regrets about that at first but it was worth it.
Second is that I'm 30 years old. Again, nothing really special or concerning. At first. But for some people that don't happen to have to deal with question of unemployment or don't have such friends who have issues in finding their place in life it's the kind of a big deal to me, especially knowing that my skills and knowledge are one thing and what I can deliver, what I can apply to as an employee are completely different matters at hand.
And like I said, I have a law degree. Useless one, in fact, because I haven't been a good student, wasn't interested in getting educated in this field and my thoughts and prayers were aimed toward completely different paths in life. I've wasted four years for this degree, and right after I've ended my institute stage in life I've been conscripted to "glorius" Russian army. Conscription is a thing there and one year wasted for nothing is... well, still a waste of time. But I was dumb, and also was blackmailed by my own family into signing the contract (also was forced to take the law degree route at institute, again, because of my family who were too persistent with their mindfuckery at the time and it wasn't much of a big deal to push me toward decisions they expected me to take, because at that time due to my... character? I've been rather a "homeboy" instead of street menace lad with all da hot chicks on my dong... that sounds cringe but nevermind.)
Army took 3 years of my life from me, I've got robbed of my money by person that I thought was understanding and emphatic guy, who understood my struggles but in the end he was just syphoning out my earnings and blackmailing me too. It took me 4 psychosis episodes and one suicide confession to realise that this faggot have been parasiting on me. My health, both physical and mental have deteriorated a lot ever since I've reached the 1,5 years of service mark and since which time this faggot was robbing me off. Wasn't able to tell my family, so it was hard to tell them that I've fucked up badly, and done some shit I shouldn't have. Things got resolved but after some time and while I was already discharged from service via medical condition that was tied to my mental well-being and few injuries that I have to live with because healthcare in my region is this good, yes.
Funnily enough I tried to use my degree in army, it turned out that it wasn't good idea in a slightest. Being appointed to basically a klerk worm work is, to put it lightly, is very humiliating and frustrating thing. You're never good, everyone shits on you 24\7 and no respect will be given to you, ever.
After army I have returned back, broken and mentally burnt up. I took New Year hoolidays for grab back some touch with reality, got myself together and managed to find myself a job quite fast. Convenience store, no big deal, the paycheck is lower that I was getting in army in last months but definitely better than nothing. Things were okay, got a promotion quite fast even (though I did not wanted it because I have not wanted to deal with much of responsibility at the time), but my leg issues got to remind me about themselves. Spent 9 months at this job and quit because my last director was literally a faggot, always whiny basic bitch who also was eagerly ratty and trying to make the work crew to have a grudge between each other for no adequate reason. So I quit, I was looking up for another job for half a year, got a job at beer factory, was a fine work but I've got fired due to management was tasked with personel optimisation due to shrink in demand (it happened in in December of 2022, some time after Crimean bridge got Allah BoomBoom'd by somebody)
Then again, half a year without any job, I was looking hard for any, in the end I've agreed with myself that I have to try to go to the store near me, the food store that have opened just few months ago. And I did. Back to cashier role, half a year passed and I've become administrator... and I work in this position until January of this year... tsk, yeah. And now I look again for work.

Now about my past and present in general. I've never been a talkative kid, always was in line with myself alone, have tried making friends but due to my temper and all of us being young and retarded it never worked out. School have taught me things, but haven't gifted me the passion for education in me, instead it have injected the hatred and loathe toward people around me in my veins, all because of school bullying, harrassment from both my classmates and teachers, from my peers. Hell, parents of mine at some point, even. All of it have turned me into a guy with a lot of trust and social skills issues, I still can't get over myself to get to start convos with randoms with a goal to get to know someone new, to make new relations. No, instead of this I still cling to myself, like being in the shell I don't feel comfortable to get out from and that really hurts sometimes. To the point that those new relationships of friendly matter I had are all just... gone. I have nobody I'd considered friends, even among former colleagues that I still talk with from time to time. They are good people, but I don't want to be a nausea and annoyance, I know I would be because, like some high functioning autist, I'm still socially awkward as fuck.

I carry this burden through. Some progress have been made, yes, I've got to be more... "bright spirited" in conversations with people, irl? But that's not enough. At all. And I don't know what to do with that right now because all my time I either spend looking up for job applications and going to interviews or spending my time at home helping my dad with stuff due to his age and health issues are not allowing much of stuff to be done alone anymore, or being in my room and trying to distract myself from how meaningless and empty the life of mine is.
That's bad. I agree with this. And trust me I tried to fix it, and not once, but many times. And all the times I fail, because I have nobody to trust, nobody to get support from (my parents don't help with this and, to say more, they have the issues of their own and have involved me in their feud to the point that I got to express my loathe toward their decisions and inability to solve their marriage and cheating issues without me. I'm not the person who have to deal with all this, they are, for fuck sake!), so I can only expect something to be done from myself alone, and... I just don't feel like I can pull it anymore. I'm completely dissatisfied, nave no motivation to move forward, alone (I don't count my parents and brother, I don't have family of my own as well), and with nothing to look for in the future, to be honest. And that just sickens me.

I understand all well that probably more than a half of these issues are my own doing. I have supposed to do wiser decisions, not looking up for my family to guide me toward what's best for me because they always pick either what's best for them or what will be useless for me in general. And right now I listen to some music to keep myself concentrated and not get into another giult trip, I've had enough of these but cannot help to flaggelate myself mentally more and more because I don't feel I do enough. In fact, I really do NOT do enough.
Have to be thin, slick lad, but I'm not, supposed to have family and kids already and I'm not, to have prestigious job or at least one that pays well and I'm not... I have nothing of my own except for things I've bought myself, for myself. And these are just few commodities that, in fact, if they'll get gone I'll have nothing else.

Back in army days due to all the shit I had in life then I was having suicidal thoughts. They have also commited to me ending up in mental rehab ward in military hospital. No I didn't planned to kill myself, it wasn't worth it then. It's not worth it now as well and yet, I'm getting these envasive thoughts again... as if wathing me die in different ways due to various reasons while I'm sleeping for last few years wasnt enough...

I don't think psychologist would help. In fact, they might to just appoint me to mental institution where I'll either die for actual or will get sedated\tortured to the point I'll iether turn into veggie or actual psychopath. I don't want that. I don't want anything but to get an answer for myself regarding what to do, how to deal with current challenges and struggles, how to at least numb the pain that don't give me to walk normally for 5 years, how to find a love in my life and to learn what love actually is, after all... cuz I cannot tell if I do really know what this feeling is or I'm just not capable or understanding it, understanding myself at some stuff...

That's... all for now... at least regarding irl matters. I've had some history on web as well but I don't want to speak of it yet, have already told a bit too much there...
I just... exhausted and feeling lost, depressed and miserable because of all this. Art helps to get distracted from all this, as well as spenidng time there on forum, but it can't help forever. These issues won't fade away on their own... and if I wont get a job or at least some federal help with unemployment status I'm cooked. Suicide is not an option and will never be, even if I'll get cancer and will have to suffer through all of its stages. I'd rather die in agony but knowing that I had a strength to not end my life myself like a coward who was running away from issues he have had to face.

 

[(((I am NOT a jew)))]

Ok. Honestly all this sort of makes me begin to wonder what autism even is anymore. And that comes from someone in the light end of the spectrum. Shit, at this point, everyone in the world has autism.

To me it just feels like the overton window for normalcy has shifted to such a degree that anyone who stands out or even says 'Yeah I don't know about that' gets the label now.
I feel like the problem with autism in the spectrum category is with something like Asperger's, you're just kind of saying someone's "off". But that off could mean they actually have values, don't speak in white ebonics, and actually analyze the shit they hear instead of eating it up whole cloth.
I get it can be difficult for said people to socialize with others but also there comes a limit to where maybe they shouldn't be if the bar for normalcy is acting like a retard.
It also comes about from a number of reasons. Most the time Aspergers' just seems like a way of describing someone from a fucked up family or who has an active interest in certain subjects that most people don't care about. That's not a gene thing, it's just them being them.
It's just an umbrella term now for "weird" when I feel like it should be tightened to be more strict.

 

[666NASTYFUCKINGFREAK666]

Sometimes I scroll down a page, see my profile picture and burst out fucking laughing.

 

[(((I am NOT a jew)))]

I can't wait until she dies so I can light her body on fire.

Bro I say this because I care but I think you need to think out some stuff on here before you type it.
I legitimately do feel for you as I've kind of been there but I know some people on here already are trying to cowtip you and alog a bit and I just don't want you to have that kind of attention in your life when enough shit's going rough.
I still hope you can find a job or way to escape being in that kind of situation, but when you say stuff like that it makes it easy for some of the people trying to make a name for themselves on here to fuck with you.

 

[#FreeRoss]

Bro I say this because I care but I think you need to think out some stuff on here before you type it.
I legitimately do feel for you as I've kind of been there but I know some people on here already are trying to cowtip you and alog a bit and I just don't want you to have that kind of attention in your life when enough shit's going rough.
I still hope you can find a job or way to escape being in that kind of situation, but when you say stuff like that it makes it easy for some of the people trying to make a name for themselves on here to fuck with you.

I was trying to be edgy, but I also was legit angry at my mom. I am going to try and get some help for my anger and other mental issues. Sorry if it disturbed you. I am not actually as terrible as I sound towards my mom. I'm actually quite nice most of the time.

 

[DenseDeerFather]

To me it just feels like the overton window for normalcy has shifted to such a degree that anyone who stands out or even says 'Yeah I don't know about that' gets the label now.
I feel like the problem with autism in the spectrum category is with something like Asperger's, you're just kind of saying someone's "off". But that off could mean they actually have values, don't speak in white ebonics, and actually analyze the shit they hear instead of eating it up whole cloth.
I get it can be difficult for said people to socialize with others but also there comes a limit to where maybe they shouldn't be if the bar for normalcy is acting like a retard.
It also comes about from a number of reasons. Most the time Aspergers' just seems like a way of describing someone from a fucked up family or who has an active interest in certain subjects that most people don't care about. That's not a gene thing, it's just them being them.
It's just an umbrella term now for "weird" when I feel like it should be tightened to be more strict.

Considering autism goes way beyond being eccentric or weird or horribly socially awkward (nonverbal, sensory sensitivity, that stimming, fragile fortitude) , trying to dilute the term like whatever the psychiatrist lady is trying to do make a whole farce of the whole thing.

One thing she did say which has nothing to do with autism was "A study showed that there's an increased risk of someone getting BPD if the mother gets infected with a virus during pregnancy"

For some reason that really captured my attention.

 

[Rekeita's Kidneys]

I need one good solid reason to not lodge a Winchester .38 special JHP in my skull. One solid fucking reason that isn't some delusional stoic nonsense.
I cannot stand being on this stupid fucking planet, the pills do nothing. The "talk therapy" is absolutely fucking worthless and the cunt doesn't even speak. I pay 100$ a fucking session with my gibsmedats just to have some jew cunt go "uh huh" every 5 minutes or so.

I'm losing my fucking marbles, I haven't talked with a human being in 2 weeks.

 

[Sparkletor 2.0]

I ate a twizzlers pull n peel and the chewy candy stuck to my back teeth and it's annoying to try and get it loose.

 

[IKOL]

I'm losing my fucking marbles, I haven't talked with a human being in 2 weeks.

I know it's a bit of a reach but maybe try to talk with someone from this thread regulars? Just for distracting yourself from all this suicidal tendencies for a while.
Might help, might not... who knows.