I fully expect puzzle pieces and scouters for this post so none of you assholes better take the cowards’ way out
Don’t give me any “oh, its cow and thread relevant” its angy spergy sanitarium talk and we all know it, lets move on
I am eternally conflicted because narcissism is a medical condition as is agoraphobia and social anxiety and autism and maybe he just never got the early life diagnosis or support system that would've helped him manage shit better.
As a sufferer of more than one of those since early adolescence, and as someone who experienced those during a childhood where primarily maladaptive support was provided, I endorse this entirely. I did not begin treating symptoms to say nothing of root cause until my early 30s and my life was very negatively affected in a wide variety of aspects. I was abjectly miserable and did not even know how bad it was because I had no other frame of reference. By that point I believed these feelings to be a part of me. Why wouldn’t I? I’d grown up with them.
None of this was because of some past trauma I’d suppressed. I wasn’t a war orphan. I didn’t grow up with a debilitating sickness. I was just that way. And from that age on until today, there is nothing and no one I hate more than myself, and it will likely always be that way. I will never be rid of any of it fully. But that one piece is part of a whole, and that piece doesn’t steer any part of my life on its own. And getting to this point took years of work and the kind of introspection that hurts before it helps you heal and Phil has none of that. He has no idea, no concept, of how unhappy he really is, because you have to live that way for a long, long time to get to that point, and he’s done none of the work to start to dig his way out and he is killing himself over it.
It's interesting because everyone here knows he'd never survive in the real world or with any kind of normal job, so it's worth highlighting that his current existence is totally artificial and has no normalcy whatsoever. Maybe if he didn't have YouTube he would've actually have adjusted a bit over time. He literally has a hermit kingdom which he reigns over and it's like the only thing he cares about preserving above all else and it's worth fucking nothing.
He wouldn’t. I’m only partially kidding about how dealing with coworkers or a real boss would obliterate him. He absolutely cannot handle interaction he does not control, entirely, from the beginning. He has worked entirely on insulating himself physically thinking that he’d never need to learn to protect himself emotionally and not knowing that there is no alternative. You learn, whether it’s on your own or someone teaches you or both, or the world eats you.
I guess I do feel bad for him.
PPP did mention that he basically does everything he can do deliberately bring on the trolling though and it's very true.
I don’t think he realizes he’s doing it. Maybe he believes if he lashes out enough in the right directions all the parts of the world that make him feel so threatened will finally give up and leave him alone but it doesn’t work that way. The world finds its way in, you can’t build walls high enough or buy your way out of it, there will come a time in your life that what you are at the heart of yourself will be laid bare and if you aren’t prepared to stare it in the face and accept that it is a part of you no matter how badly you want to cut it out you will be swallowed and I think for the last year that’s where Phil has been, and he has been scrambling, clutching at anything that will help him turn away from what he sees in the mirror. And everyone is too alienated by him that no one will put their hand on his shoulder and say, “You are like this. The ability not to be is yours alone.” And that’s very sad, and very hard to imagine, knowing that for a large part of my life I was on a track extremely, uncomfortably, similar to him. There are large aspects to Phil’s life that I believe I would have similarities to now, if I had gone down a path not too divergent from my own.
So maybe the disgust I have for myself is coloring how I view him, being that he’s so similar. Of course I hate him.
He’s just like me, fr fr
