My wife seems to have post-partum depression and isn't ready or willing to acknowledge it.
Things were going very well. I got promoted about a year and a half ago and my income was good enough that she did not need to work. I'm happy if she works or not I don't care, whatever makes her happy is what makes my life easy. So she stopped working and we went on a nice vacation and she got pregnant. We were very happy, we've wanted a baby for a long time and she never got pregnant before; we were somewhat concerned maybe she couldn't. But she did and the timing was good.
However, very nearly immediately after we learned she was pregnant, her expectations began to become increasingly unreasonable. My wife can be a real diva sometimes so I don't normally take it very seriously because under the surface of that, she is in general quite reasonable. This was my belief still, even when she began to suggest things like far away places to move to raise a child and both of us taking extended time away from work to be full time parents. Then things like what our child can or can't do or what we will provide to them, fantastical things that she wouldn't budge on.
I told my wife I'll take off time when the baby is born but now with a baby, I need to work even harder. I want to provide great opportunities for my kids and I need to save and establish some foundation for that quickly while this is new so I can relax more and enjoy it more and allocate more time as things develop. Need to work, save, invest, buy a home and pay it off quick, so my kids have something and we have something as a family to fall back on. My wife seems to think these things fall from the sky and can be established overnight. I shouldn't need to put effort into that, it should be automatic, and all my effort should belong to her and the baby. I tell her, look you want a good life? I want to provide a good life, but it takes work. You need to allow me the time and space to work for the things we all want.
She seems at times to understand this, but resolves that some of the neediness is simply a result of being pregnant.
Then our daughter was born. My wife loves her very much she's a great mother. But she has become a very bad partner. I took off nearly 2 months when the baby was born- I worked from home for an additional month. I spent over $10k to fly her parents and grandparents out to be here for that time and to keep her mother here even longer to smooth the transition of me returning to work.
My wife hogs the baby. God forbid I take a phonecall or go to the gym for more than an hour; she will grab the baby when I come home and say "you haven't been here for x time, you don't know what's been going on with her" or "she forgot who you are, she's scared of you". At first I thought maybe she was teasing me, but she's serious. She will reluctantly let me hold my daughter and then remark things like "if only it was worth sticking around for".
Now I'm fully back to work and frankly my job is very demanding; I have to travel regularly and I work long days, take calls at all hours. I used to be such good friends with my wife I'd talk to her everyday about weird stuff at work or stress I'm feeling or drama with coworkers or people who work for me. Now I'm nervous to even bring up the fact that I have a job because she rolls her eyes as if I shouldn't. I tell her hey lets take a break and go on vacation and reset. She says no, the baby doesnt travel well yet (she has no idea about this yet). So i say ok. Go with your friends I'll pay and I'll stay home and take care of the baby. No, she isn't comfortable leaving the baby. Ok. I tell her to look at house listings and pick some she likes so we can go look. She either doesn't do it or she picks things that are totally unrealistic, in another country or millions of dollars. I tell her ok pick a restaurant, pick a movie, pick mf anything you want to do and we will do it together after work or this weekend or I'll take a day off to do it, whatever you want, and she will deliberately choose things that are impossible or sarcastic.
I have gotten to the point of begging her to be reasonable and considerate of the fact that I am doing my best and I want to take care of my family; I'm not resentful about it I don't feel overwhelmed by it, but if she can't let me do it yet expects it to be done, I do not know what to do. I tell her I can't talk to her anymore about much anything, I feel disliked and unwelcome by her and like she wants me to feel guilty for working and having a practical sense of responsibility, and I'm trying to be a good dad and good husband but she seems convinced that I'm bad at both of those things. She says no that's not true, and she says maybe I'm feeling it because I'm coming up short in my own mind. I ask ok what do you think I'm doing that needs to change because it's not working? She says idk you tell me. Finally I tell her I think this hormone or whatever you are acting crazy and unreasonable, unlike you ever acted before, I try to say it nice, and we need to get you whatever you need. Therapy? Maybe i can do something? Take a trip? Take up a new hobby? Go out with your friends? Whatever it is, something is wrong and we need to work on it. And she refuses accept it. To her, nothing is wrong but I need to do better as a father and husband. What I need to do better? She cannot say, but it's definitely me and not her.
Idk what to do really. I keep hoping she'll snap out of it and come back to normal. But for many months it's been like this and has only gotten worse. She says very rude vitriolic things to me sometimes which if I were to flip the script and say things even half as cruel, she'd break down in tears and say I'm abusive. I tell her I'll tolerate you speaking to me like shit for a time because I understand emotions aren't normal during or after pregnancy, but soon you'll need to stop acting like a spoiled brat and grow up and say what you mean. I tell her if you keep saying things you don't mean over and over, I'll begin to believe you and I will leave because i don't need to be with anyone who thinks so poorly of me. Then she cries and says "you think I'm so bad and I'm never good to you, you hate me so much" etc etc etc. Just irrational crazy shit I am so exhausted by now. Really just want my wife back, open to feedback.
It’s just confusing when she asks if I can come over and she clearly wants to talk but she is not receptive to anything, it is kind of like a monolog instead of a conversation. She told me she feels so bad at the moment that she needs to get shitfaced and I gently said that it will only make her feel worse. The reply was something along the lines of ”nobody can tell me what to do and I’ll get blasted, end of discussion”. What can you say at that point?
