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I thought I’d make next week a week just for myself cause the constant drama is starting to make me grumpy and it ain’t worth it. The worst part is that I always make time for her but when she is busy with whatever, I am never the priority. Anyway I sound like a total loser, thank you to anybody who reads this.

You sound like a kind person, but as Lukie said, boundaries are important. You can't let yourself be subsumed by someone else's problems, you need to keep your own oxygen mask on. I would just ask that you not ghost her or "hope she takes the hint" when you can't be there for her because you're refilling. Be honest and remind her that you do care, you just need some time to yourself.

I'm really out of practice with finding apartments. I didn't realize it's a thing now where you got to spend $50 just to put in a fucking application.

Be careful. Scumbags in many places get rich on those "application fees." I refuse to pay a fee without at least seeing the place in person first, but I've seen a lot of people get burned by slumlords and scammers. Hopefully it's nicer where you're moving.
 
Be careful. Scumbags in many places get rich on those "application fees." I refuse to pay a fee without at least seeing the place in person first, but I've seen a lot of people get burned by slumlords and scammers. Hopefully it's nicer where you're moving.
Oh yeah of course. I made a list of places just to kind of drive past, get the feel of where they are out. I'm not applying for shit without walking through it first.

It's amazing how some of these places can make the properties look amazing and they you get out there and it's in an industrial wasteland where every parking spot has the pile of shattered glass from a broken into car and there is a homeless camp next to the dumpster.

I still can't believe this new employer just gave me a truck to use. That has been massive help.

I think I love Mormons now.
 
You sound like a kind person, but as Lukie said, boundaries are important. You can't let yourself be subsumed by someone else's problems, you need to keep your own oxygen mask on. I would just ask that you not ghost her or "hope she takes the hint" when you can't be there for her because you're refilling. Be honest and remind her that you do care, you just need some time to yourself.

Too kind for my own good. I would never ghost her, she has major abandonment trauma and I would never want to add to her pain. What I meant by taking the week for myself is that I am available at my own terms and do not drop everything when she texts me or asks me to come over. Well, like a normal person would I guess. Typing this out makes me embarassed for myself but I always try and keep everyone as happy as I can, at my own expense. But as you’ve said, I can’t keep continuing doing this in this way.
 
Thank you for the kind words. ❤️ It’s just confusing when she asks if I can come over and she clearly wants to talk but she is not receptive to anything, it is kind of like a monolog instead of a conversation. She told me she feels so bad at the moment that she needs to get shitfaced and I gently said that it will only make her feel worse. The reply was something along the lines of ”nobody can tell me what to do and I’ll get blasted, end of discussion”. What can you say at that point?

I thought I’d make next week a week just for myself cause the constant drama is starting to make me grumpy and it ain’t worth it. The worst part is that I always make time for her but when she is busy with whatever, I am never the priority. Anyway I sound like a total loser, thank you to anybody who reads this.
You seem very sweet. I would suggest to you the best you can do with your kindness superpower is to give it to people who are deserving and receptive.

It seems very one sided with this friendship. If you were to not be there for her it would be interesting to know if she started becoming abusive and emotionally puke on you. She may just be an emotional vampire hunting for a dopamine fix while causing chaos for everyone else.

I've met some really nice people in my life with a twinkle in their eye which fades because human sewage pollutes them. Please be careful with this person.
 
It's always something. Went to fly the other day, and found the right brake, well, wasn't. Since the owner is out of town I guess once he gets back I get to learn how to fix a brake next weekend.

On to my home project. Replace the air pump on the septic system. Pull out the old one, put the new one in, hook up the hose, slide the cord up the conduit to the control box. Crawl back out from under the porch and find the cord is not poking out of the conduit as it's too short. Take it back out, check to see if I can just replace the cord, possible but not easy. Cut the cord even shorter, put a plug on it. Take a spare piece of extension cord, put just a receptacle on it Go back, hook pump back up, plug into 'extension' and slide the end of that cord up the conduit. Go up top and hardwire it in. And, the fucking alarm light is now off and my yard stinks until the bacteria recover.

Coming off that win I try and start the lawnmower, which runs for 10 seconds then quits and won't restart. Not even starter fluid works. So I guess I'm tearing into that on my day off tomorrow.

The CNC control box is about 90% done now, waiting for some glue to dry for some wire management and then maybe I can start hooking all the steppers up and actually test.

Mom is doing well, cursing at my brother and then going out and mowing what she can. Looks like I'm headed back in early July due to some dental work I've been waiting for in June that I don't want to reschedule.

And got the latest update to the MATI transcription project done. Now back to downloading and seeing how much more MATI has cropped up.
 
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Im doing pretty well gotta say, it feels good getting all the disgusted emotions from the cringe i find and posting it on here and elsewhere out of my system for others own amusement and gotta say, its nice that even with stupidity being encouraged and enabled by complacency irl by normalfags it feels good that theres others against human stupidity as much as i am.
 
My wife seems to have post-partum depression and isn't ready or willing to acknowledge it.
Things were going very well. I got promoted about a year and a half ago and my income was good enough that she did not need to work. I'm happy if she works or not I don't care, whatever makes her happy is what makes my life easy. So she stopped working and we went on a nice vacation and she got pregnant. We were very happy, we've wanted a baby for a long time and she never got pregnant before; we were somewhat concerned maybe she couldn't. But she did and the timing was good.
However, very nearly immediately after we learned she was pregnant, her expectations began to become increasingly unreasonable. My wife can be a real diva sometimes so I don't normally take it very seriously because under the surface of that, she is in general quite reasonable. This was my belief still, even when she began to suggest things like far away places to move to raise a child and both of us taking extended time away from work to be full time parents. Then things like what our child can or can't do or what we will provide to them, fantastical things that she wouldn't budge on.
I told my wife I'll take off time when the baby is born but now with a baby, I need to work even harder. I want to provide great opportunities for my kids and I need to save and establish some foundation for that quickly while this is new so I can relax more and enjoy it more and allocate more time as things develop. Need to work, save, invest, buy a home and pay it off quick, so my kids have something and we have something as a family to fall back on. My wife seems to think these things fall from the sky and can be established overnight. I shouldn't need to put effort into that, it should be automatic, and all my effort should belong to her and the baby. I tell her, look you want a good life? I want to provide a good life, but it takes work. You need to allow me the time and space to work for the things we all want.
She seems at times to understand this, but resolves that some of the neediness is simply a result of being pregnant.
Then our daughter was born. My wife loves her very much she's a great mother. But she has become a very bad partner. I took off nearly 2 months when the baby was born- I worked from home for an additional month. I spent over $10k to fly her parents and grandparents out to be here for that time and to keep her mother here even longer to smooth the transition of me returning to work.
My wife hogs the baby. God forbid I take a phonecall or go to the gym for more than an hour; she will grab the baby when I come home and say "you haven't been here for x time, you don't know what's been going on with her" or "she forgot who you are, she's scared of you". At first I thought maybe she was teasing me, but she's serious. She will reluctantly let me hold my daughter and then remark things like "if only it was worth sticking around for".
Now I'm fully back to work and frankly my job is very demanding; I have to travel regularly and I work long days, take calls at all hours. I used to be such good friends with my wife I'd talk to her everyday about weird stuff at work or stress I'm feeling or drama with coworkers or people who work for me. Now I'm nervous to even bring up the fact that I have a job because she rolls her eyes as if I shouldn't. I tell her hey lets take a break and go on vacation and reset. She says no, the baby doesnt travel well yet (she has no idea about this yet). So i say ok. Go with your friends I'll pay and I'll stay home and take care of the baby. No, she isn't comfortable leaving the baby. Ok. I tell her to look at house listings and pick some she likes so we can go look. She either doesn't do it or she picks things that are totally unrealistic, in another country or millions of dollars. I tell her ok pick a restaurant, pick a movie, pick mf anything you want to do and we will do it together after work or this weekend or I'll take a day off to do it, whatever you want, and she will deliberately choose things that are impossible or sarcastic.
I have gotten to the point of begging her to be reasonable and considerate of the fact that I am doing my best and I want to take care of my family; I'm not resentful about it I don't feel overwhelmed by it, but if she can't let me do it yet expects it to be done, I do not know what to do. I tell her I can't talk to her anymore about much anything, I feel disliked and unwelcome by her and like she wants me to feel guilty for working and having a practical sense of responsibility, and I'm trying to be a good dad and good husband but she seems convinced that I'm bad at both of those things. She says no that's not true, and she says maybe I'm feeling it because I'm coming up short in my own mind. I ask ok what do you think I'm doing that needs to change because it's not working? She says idk you tell me. Finally I tell her I think this hormone or whatever you are acting crazy and unreasonable, unlike you ever acted before, I try to say it nice, and we need to get you whatever you need. Therapy? Maybe i can do something? Take a trip? Take up a new hobby? Go out with your friends? Whatever it is, something is wrong and we need to work on it. And she refuses accept it. To her, nothing is wrong but I need to do better as a father and husband. What I need to do better? She cannot say, but it's definitely me and not her.
Idk what to do really. I keep hoping she'll snap out of it and come back to normal. But for many months it's been like this and has only gotten worse. She says very rude vitriolic things to me sometimes which if I were to flip the script and say things even half as cruel, she'd break down in tears and say I'm abusive. I tell her I'll tolerate you speaking to me like shit for a time because I understand emotions aren't normal during or after pregnancy, but soon you'll need to stop acting like a spoiled brat and grow up and say what you mean. I tell her if you keep saying things you don't mean over and over, I'll begin to believe you and I will leave because i don't need to be with anyone who thinks so poorly of me. Then she cries and says "you think I'm so bad and I'm never good to you, you hate me so much" etc etc etc. Just irrational crazy shit I am so exhausted by now. Really just want my wife back, open to feedback.
 
Really just want my wife back, open to feedback.
I'm sorry you both seem to be going through a hard time and aren't finding respite with each other right now. You guys should see a counselor to help you figure out how to talk to each other again, and to get to the root of what sounds like resentment that has already cropped up or is developing. I dislike chalking everything up to "ppd," because I find it dismissive and can lead to other things not being explored fully. It could be an element, but maybe not a full explanation.

Are you having any fun together these days at all? I mean just chatting and laughing after the baby's asleep? How about when family is there - how is she to them and to you in their presence or with extra hands?

Does she ever seem or mention being tired or overwhelmed? Is she taking care of herself? Friends? Activity?

Do you take the baby out for walks together? Nice thing to do this time of year.
 
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She will reluctantly let me hold my daughter and then remark things like "if only it was worth sticking around for".
I tell her I can't talk to her anymore about much anything
I tell her I think this hormone or whatever you are acting crazy and unreasonable, unlike you ever acted before, I try to say it nice, and we need to get you whatever you need. Therapy? Maybe i can do something?

You both need help. If she won't go to therapy, go yourself, if for nothing else than to get tips about how to speak to her and coping mechanisms for dealing with the situation. Get friends or family to come to the house so that she's not spending so much time alone with the baby. If her own mother isn't a psychotic JustNoMIL-type freak, bring her back and keep her around a little longer, or whoever your wife loves and trusts. Explain your concerns to someone who won't brush them off, because these concerns are serious. If your wife has any follow-up appointments with doctors, take off work to go with her and voice your concerns there too (perhaps privately). Any medical doctor can prescribe antidepressants, including OBGYNs, and some antidepressants are undetectable in breast milk if she's nursing and is afraid of affecting the baby. She may be more receptive to getting help if it's suggested by a trusted doctor or someone else she loves, since she's off-kilter about you right now. Good luck.
 
Really just want my wife back, open to feedback.
Very sad and serious situation for which you should seek help from family and professionals. Personally, I have never seen marriages recover from severe post-partum depression. The bitterness seeps into the relationship and taints all that comes afterwards. You will never quite forget what was said to you and the awareness that someone very close to you can change as a person so quickly and radically.

I can only add to the advice by saying that you should insist on maintaining a close relationship with your child. Be a good dad even if your wife does not acknowledge it.
 
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I'm sorry you both seem to be going through a hard time and aren't finding respite with each other right now. You guys should see a counselor to help you figure out how to talk to each other again, and to get to the root of what sounds like resentment that has already cropped up or is developing. I dislike chalking everything up to "ppd," because I find it dismissive and can lead to other things not being explored fully. It could be an element, but maybe not a full explanation.

Are you having any fun together these days at all? I mean just chatting and laughing after the baby's asleep? How about when family is there - how is she to them and to you in their presence or with extra hands?

Does she ever seem or mention being tired or overwhelmed? Is she taking care of herself? Friends? Activity?

Do you take the baby out for walks together? Nice thing to do this time of year.

Thank you. We have less fun but still sometimes. We do things together, we take the baby out and we make dinner and watch stuff together. We don't talk very much though. Sometimes we have a really good day and we talk a lot very nicely and seems like old times, very in love. But that is rare and short lived. She is strangely paranoid or sad a lot, she cries randomly and has unprompted irrational fears of us separating or me not being attracted to her anymore. She will be joking with me and then become extremely serious, crying or very angry. Other times she is very passive aggressive and sort of mean spirited, opens conversations with remarks that she intends to get a reaction from.
When things are nice between us it often leads to conversation about why it's not like that more, and then we talk about these things happening, and then she gets offended. She is convinced she has nothing to do with it. She insists it's how I react to it that is the problem.
apart from that yea she takes care of herself and cleans up, exercises, keeps in touch with friends and family. She doesn't like how controlling her mother is, she insisted on sending her home actually. But I think she'd benefit from having her mother here, maybe because I get the feeling her mom's on my side. She is more openly critical of me in front of her mother but I think it's because her mother criticizes her, in some cases rightfully so. But hey we all got problems. We have the neighbors over sometimes we all watch basketball together now during the playoffs and things feel very normal during those hours. Gives me hope. She doesn't seem tired, maybe overwhelmed. I think more than anything she is adjusting to a new understanding of her own existence.

You both need help. If she won't go to therapy, go yourself, if for nothing else than to get tips about how to speak to her and coping mechanisms for dealing with the situation. Get friends or family to come to the house so that she's not spending so much time alone with the baby. If her own mother isn't a psychotic JustNoMIL-type freak, bring her back and keep her around a little longer, or whoever your wife loves and trusts. Explain your concerns to someone who won't brush them off, because these concerns are serious. If your wife has any follow-up appointments with doctors, take off work to go with her and voice your concerns there too (perhaps privately). Any medical doctor can prescribe antidepressants, including OBGYNs, and some antidepressants are undetectable in breast milk if she's nursing and is afraid of affecting the baby. She may be more receptive to getting help if it's suggested by a trusted doctor or someone else she loves, since she's off-kilter about you right now. Good luck.
Thank you. We do go, although it is dreaded because she gets very offended by hearing what I have to say and she always leaves there angry with me. I started just going to one myself too and she does as well. Idk if it's helping but I try to talk about it with anyone who'd listen and offer perspective and it is definitely beneficial to just say it candidly outloud and learn that it's really not that uncommon. Hopefully she does the same in her own time and finds it all less isolating. I always tell her I'm not trying to attack you when I say you're doing this I'm really trying to just talk about it and let you talk about it, because I'm worried. But you know hopefully it all works out. I do love my wife and my daughter and I'll work on it long as i can.
Thanks all.
 
If I don’t get any calls back regarding last weeks interview im gonna be pissed, I’ve been spending all weekend fiending over it due to the $20k raise that would come with it
 
I do love my wife and my daughter and I'll work on it long as i can.
Thanks all.
I really hope you two can find your way. Has anything come up in therapy that is helpful for you to understand/ any new insights to her perspective? Or any concrete things you both (or either) agreed to change or work on? Or agreement about where/ how to live and what is necessary or realistic? Is she happy being wrapped up in baby things? Is there friction about day-to-day things? I mean, tbh, her saying "you haven't been here/ you don't know the baby or what the baby needs"...and then taking your daughter away, suggests some resentment not just about the fact of your working, but about the practical impact of what it means for her. And if she has a critical mother, it's potentially possible she feels inadequate at some level. Critical or distant moms/ fractious mom relationships can feel very sharp, especially when a woman becomes a mother herself.

Again, hope you can find each other again. :feels:
 
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I really hope you two can find your way. Has anything come up in therapy that is helpful for you to understand/ any new insights to her perspective? Or any concrete things you both (or either) agreed to change or work on? Or agreement about where/ how to live and what is necessary or realistic? Is she happy being wrapped up in baby things? Is there friction about day-to-day things? I mean, tbh, her saying "you haven't been here/ you don't know the baby or what the baby needs"...and then taking your daughter away, suggests some resentment not just about the fact of your working, but about the practical impact of what it means for her. And if she has a critical mother, it's potentially possible she feels inadequate at some level. Critical or distant moms/ fractious mom relationships can feel very sharp, especially when a woman becomes a mother herself.

Again, hope you can find each other again. :feels:
thank you very much.
She tends to view couple therapy or any conversations we have about the state of our relationship as a competition or battle wherein one of us will be declared the wrong doer and the other will have to accept it; rather than grounds for the possibility that we may both be doing wrong things and right things. You know like if I say "you are not easy to talk to" she will say "well you're not always nice", as if it's tit for tat. Makes progressing the conversation very challenging.
She does like all the baby stuff and she loves the baby, makes her very happy but she maybe romanticizes parenthood a bit I suspect. When I met her she did not want children and she had a somewhat contentious relationship with her parents because they are a big family very Catholic and traditional, they wanted her to stay home till she got married and had kids but she moved away and kind of did her own thing. Then we met and got married and eventually she decided she wanted a baby and we tried for a while but didn't happen so she asked if I'm ok not having kids. I said that's okay with me I would be happy either way. But then she got pregnant and I think now she is maybe feeling like she has less control of her future and her family are now very eager to be more and more involved and it is harder to keep an arm's distance from things she once had established total independence from. At least that is my theory, she hardly acknowledges having any issue at all. She will fantasize absurd things outloud like "what if we raise her in Mexico City and we can get a big property to move my grandparents in" and I tell her "okay... we can think about that but... my job is here... do you have a job in Mexico city for me?". No but you can get one, she'll tell me. The job I have now yea I'm busy but I work at home like 2-3 days a week and I'm off all weekends and holidays. I never travel back to back weeks. I can take time off flexibly, I spend way more time with her than she gives me credit for. She seems genuinely delusional sometimes like she wants me to indulge her fantasy that we can just drop everything and start a new dream life with our baby where everything is perfect and easy and we don't even need to think about it. But this was never our situation before, I believe now she maybe is just feeling a bit claustrophobic in that before she was in something because she chose it and wanted it, now she is really in it and somewhat stuck and is focusing more perhaps on the dauntingness of that versus the choice and desire that got her there in the first place.
appreciate the very kind words. We did go to a food festival for memorial day over here this afternoon with some friends and the baby and it was fun. I want to be on her side with her mom but her mom is right about some things. Just wish I knew how to convey those things in a way that she'd be receptive to. She really can't take criticism or feedback at all lately no matter how sweet and nice you package it.

Edit to include: my impression is that she doesn't actually want to move to Mexico for example but she wants the possibility of anything to still be as accessible to her as it was pre-baby or pre-30s I guess, seems to want to indulge in the wonderment of youth that has come and gone in some ways.
 
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We did go to a food festival for memorial day over here this afternoon with some friends and the baby and it was fun. I want to be on her side with her mom but her mom is right about some things. Just wish I knew how to convey those things in a way that she'd be receptive to. She really can't take criticism or feedback at all lately no matter how sweet and nice you package it.
I'm glad you had a fun time all together and with friends. Hopefully lots more to come.

When I think back to when I was having babies (mine are young adults now), I remember being very stressed and tense a lot. I was absolutely fierce about my babies, and in my case there were other factors that added to the intensity (my then-husband has a (diagnosed; I'm not exaggerating) personality disorder than does not lend itself to caring for children or anything else, and I was also working a very high-intensity job in a sharky, dysfunctional giant corporation). But what I also see when I look back to that age/stage of life (my early 30s) is that I really thought I knew everything or could figure it out. And I did know a lot, but I didn't know what I didn't know. And I was highly idealistic and eventually sensitive to disappointment. In my case, the disappointment was justified (and I didn't know the half of it at the time :-(), but that can occur subjectively as well, and the sense of disappointment eventually created immense resentment and withdrawal.

I don't want to say you should accept being treated poorly or that it's on you to do all the bending (bc that's not a way to live, either), but if you're getting the cold shoulder, it may be worth having a direct conversation - what is it that she feels you are doing or not doing that she wants - specifically, with examples, and what exactly does she want that is different. And if she is seriously thinking that a move abroad is her sticking point, you may need to have that direct - and full - conversation as well, if that's a no-go for you. I mean, it sounds like you're aiming for stability and gradual settling down to a classic house/ kids domestic scenario. She may very well fear that her independence and adventure opportunities are closing in on her or that she doesn't want to "give up" being cool and fun and mobile yet, and for some reason, your aims for the future are frustrating to something deep for her. Was she saying she wanted to go live elsewhere before you got married/ she got pregnant? Has that ever been on the table as a real possibility? Is it possible she thought it was a real possibility and you didn't quite realize that she was serious about it?

It's really hard to coexist when one person is dissatisfied and either can't articulate it or there are no ways to break through it.

Another thought - is it possible she's hyoer-protective of your daughter and doesn't trust you'll care for her in the way she thinks is good or complete enough? If so, that could be a specific topic to raise with your counselor. And, as a general thing, I'd recommend going into those sessions with some specific topics in mind to address, rather than a general "we're struggling/I don't know what to do here."
 
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