Hey, fam...
TW: DYSPHORIA, LONELINESS, DARK THOUGHTS, LOST TIME, IRREPARABLE DAMAGE, EXCLUSION
I (37MTF) have been reading a book lately (Interview with a Vampire, if you're curious, but that's neither here nor there) to take my mind off of things.
I'm pretty sure that my primary is going to break up with me in the immediate future, and so I've been spending inordinate amounts of time in the park just reading to try to take my mind off of it. She's always working, so she's always busy, and
she has EDS and POTS, so she suffers chronic pain and other issues which make it difficult for her to find the energy or the wherewithal for much, so I don't see her half as much as I'd like, and dealing with our current issue has been painfully slow, but I've always been hyper patient, accepting, understanding, and accommodating with her about all of it. I love doting on her, and helping her, though seeing her in spontaneous, random, meaningless agony hurts me on a soul level, I want to do everything I can for her.
But, like I said, I'm pretty sure she's about to break up with me, but, because of the above, trying to talk our way through things has been so slow, but I can't really *do* much of anything else until the anxiety of this isn't hovering over my head anymore, so I've been going to the park for ten hours at a time and just pittering away on my phone and reading a book as a form of escapism, and also so that I can be in an environment with people and critters in it so that I can feel some semblance of being alive — the stillness of my apartment has been proving to be too agonizing to cope with lately.
But the problem with there being people at the park is that... well... there's people at the park... I see happy couples holding hands and laughing; something that I've never had until the past two months (though not very much of it), and I positively *seethe* with jealousy when I'm forced to watch it from the outside. Always from the outside. But, what's more,
there's always such *impossibly* beautiful women *every* time that I go outside... Adorable women, tall women, short women, slender women, thicc women, and all of them better than I'll ever be.
I don't regret transition AT ALL (I've been on HRT for 20 months and 4 days). Despite everything, I still feel better about myself — and less bad about myself — than I ever have in my entire life. The difference is MARKED.
But, especially when I see a gorgeous 20-nothing woman with a wasp-thin waist... and they are EVERYWHERE where I live... the pain of knowing that I will NEVER be like them, no matter HOW much effort I put in... it hurts... it literally physically hurts... it makes my entire body feel like it's about to cave in on itself... it makes my heart skip a beat... it makes me feel like gravity has just tripled on me... it makes me want to cry (and I have)... it cuts me on a soul level that I don't know how to describe and nobody seems to understand, including other trans people. They typically invalidate my feelings about this.
They tell me that I "shouldn't" feel that way. That it's "not productive" to feel that way. That there's "no point" in feeling that way. But it's not about should, shouldn't, productivity, efficiency, sense, or point. It's not a calculation, it's a feeling and a need. And I'm entitled to my pain, damnit! Every bit as much as I'm entitled to my joy.
Sometimes, they'll say things a little more positive. That I'm beautiful, that I'm cute, that I'm good enough. And, like, I literally know that *all* of those things *are* true... but it doesn't help... it doesn't stop the feeling or the need... or it only helps for a brief time until the next time I see such a woman. It reminds me of what I can never have for as long as I live but need on a level stronger than any other need I've ever known.
And if I'm so beautiful, why am I just... *so* unwanted, y'know? I have two partners right now, which has been going on for about three months now, and I'm pretty sure I'm about to lose my primary for reasons that are COMPLETELY unrelated to ANYTHING in this post (but I've been *SO* happy with her in a way I've literally *NEVER* experienced before), but,
before that, I haven't had anyone in *seventeen years* that wasn't an unrequited, shortlived, long distance, internet-only relationship. Even creepy guys don't have any interest in me. The occasional man will stop to have a conversation with me, decide after two or three minutes that he's not interested, and then bugger off. I don't even get the creepy sexual DMs from strange, weird guys that literally every other transwoman is always complaining about. Like,
I'm not even good enough for weirdo d**k pics? Really? Am I THAT undesirable?
And, of course, I have to look on at all these painfully beautiful, happy people, living their lives, from the outside. I'm never included. Never approached, save but at a distance, only to be realized up close that I'm not what they thought from afar. Even the trans community doesn't care for me. Even other trans people just take an instant disliking to me, and I don't understand why. Or, rarely, they take an initial shining to me, and then decide after a few weeks that they actually don't like me. And I promise, the dark cloud that is this post is NOT my daily attire, as it were.
In my daily interactions, I'm actually so fucking chipper, and vibrant, and smiley, and positive, and upbeat, and bouncy, and giggly, and encouraging, and nurturing, and supportive, and enthusiastic, and ready and willing to engage. Like, I UNDERSTAND that apparent dark clouds drive people away, and I do NOT vibe that. I USED to, pre-transition. So, like, I KNOW what THAT'S like. I have easily-findable pics in my post history of my transition journey timeline, and
you can see how much more vibrant I am now. And STILL,
people aren't interested in me. Not even other trans people.
I feel like it's never going to end. I feel like I'm never going to be good enough. Never complacent enough. Never pretty enough. Never cute enough. Never feminine enough. Never likeable enough. I don't feel like this *all* the time. But I'm feeling it *HARD* lately... And it can come on at the drop of a frickin' hat by just passing by a nameless, enviable woman on the street.
And a big part of this is my own fault! Because
I wasted my teens AND 20s wallowing in drugs as copium and waiting for life to just end instead of transitioning because I DIDN'T KNOW THAT I COULD! Like, I knew transition was a thing, but I didn't know that that was something that *I* could do! I grew up in the 90s, and so *I* thought growing up that trans women all looked like fucking Susan from that old fucking SNL "Sprockets" skit. I don't think I knew that passing WAS EVEN A THING until I was, like, 32! And so I never cared if I even lived or not. I mean, I WANTED to live, but... not as a... *heave...* man... But I didn't know I didn't have to... And
now my youth is gone, and I'll never have it back. I squandered it. I could've been transitioning when I was 16, but I didn't know... And now, whenever I see girls who HAVE what I NEEDED and STILL need and can NEVER have... it absolutely breaks my heart... and it wounds my soul...
EDIT: I'm not necessarily looking for advice. I don't expect that this is something that anybody can help with. This is my cross and my burden to bear, and I don't expect some rando on the internet to change that...
I just... had to get this off my chest... and bitch about it to a community where at least SOME people MIGHT get it...