How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

My nervous system is pretty much obliterated.

I didn't expect rebuilding my confidence to be easy after the shit past few months I had, and I'm trying to take the victories where I can get them, but man, I just want to be comfortable.

I'm getting my shit back together, but god damn it, I feel like the tiniest setbacks are ringing alarms left to right. Stuff like getting my ass chewed out for a circumstance that wasn't my fault (which I can chalk up to a well-intentioned mistake), or having to audibly talk myself through shifting gears during a motorcycle lesson because even though I'm a smart woman, my muscle memory is retarded and I release the clutch too fast.

These things are not catastrophic when I get them wrong. My rational brain knows this. But my emotional regulation is in the dirt and everything seems like a crisis. The only rational cure is not giving the fuck up. Still marching, god knows why.

Hopefully, my friends will get their act together and I can take a nice trip to the mountains next month. I could do it by myself, but I'm just not in the mood for going on vacation alone.
 
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Not A Bunny said:
These things are not catastrophic when I get them wrong. My rational brain knows this. But my emotional regulation is in the dirt and everything seems like a crisis.
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I blame my boss(es) for my emotional response levels being out of whack, picking at the least important things thinking they're keeping me on the straight and narrow when it's just forming a kind of PTSD that now interferes with my inner monologue. I never had any catastrophic mistakes but I received the same bitching as people who have, so I think it really messed with my head over time.
 
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WhoBusTank69 said:
I blame my boss(es) for my emotional response levels being out of whack, picking at the least important things thinking they're keeping me on the straight and narrow when it's just forming a kind of PTSD that now interferes with my inner monologue. I never had any catastrophic mistakes but I received the same bitching as people who have, so I think it really messed with my head over time.
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I had the same problem. It was a cascading avalanche of shit where I was basically a PowerPoint engineer, and the little I had to do was getting nitpicked to fuck. Also, my supervisor created a hostile work environment that led me to the not-unsupported belief I was a DEI hire. Felt like the kiss of death for my career, and sent me spiraling into a deep depression. I suspect that killed my last relationship (he was too much of a pussy to give me the real reason, but men don't go looking for "new experiences" when they're satisfied with who they have).

I haven't been able to find more than one lawyer to take on the case, so it probably means I don't have one, but damned if this job didn't literally wreck me as a person enough to merit compensation.
 
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Feeling mixed. Made progress on getting some long time health problems treated and there's a solid plan going forward.
But it's also going to require taking medication 4 to 5 times a day. The meds do their job but they've got a short half-life.
Even if the problems go away while on it, it just feels kind of negative to know I'm a few doses away from things becoming a problem again.
 
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Lovely Kin said:
My great uncle is beating himself up over my dad and admits he wishes he was the one dying instead of my dad. He has been in a severe depressive state, and is regretting everything. Been trying to comfort him and tell him it isn't his fault. But he still blames himself as if he's the reason why my dad is dying. All I can do is listen, his own father dying was traumatic enough for him.
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Survivor's guilt sucks and you never get over it even if you rationally know it wasn't your fault.
 
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Feel a bit sad tbh.
1. Cat died a little while ago. Not a surprise, he’s been on his last legs a while but still, sadness.
2. Couple of older relatives died/are terminal. Again they’re oldies, but good people and this also makes me sad.
3. Pain from a thing is not going away and may be perm event and pain sucks
4. Massive stress at work for too long has just re wired me to react physically to stress and I hate it. @Not A Bunny I totally get this sentiment;
Not A Bunny said:
My nervous system is pretty much obliterated.
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Yes, this is how I feel and I have no idea how to fix it. You have my sympathy. It’s like permanent fight or flight, and I’m not getting anywhere with the usual common sense pull-your-socks-up approach.
I think I just feel tired, middle aged and a bit pointless and the thought of another few decades of it all seems grim.
AnOminous said:
Survivor's guilt sucks and you never get over it even if you rationally know it wasn't your fault.
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This seems to apply to a lot of things: you can know logically that a thing is one way and yet you feel entirely another. How to get the heart to listen to the head is a conundrum
 
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Need to find a part-time job and it's been hard. Had a job interview yesterday that seemed to go well but they didn't call me back. Also doesn't help that I have terrible anxiety about working, so I'm not sending resumes to every single store I can find, I've sent applications to places where I wouldn't feel like a complete dumbass. I just need to get over my social awkwardness but yeah that's what's been bugging me lately. I'd like to get the job before my classes start but I don't see that happening. If you have any advice for autists in the workplace I'd appreciate it.
 
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Dawdler said:
I sent 20 a day then just let them roast for a month.
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Well that's kinda what I did. Sent 10 of them last week and now I'm just waiting. Got the one interview so far. But I already know no other store will call me, part time jobs here get filled really quick so if they wanted me they would have called already. I should've sent more but I'm avoiding having to work in places that will make me more anxious than I have to be.

I'll wait another week and send some more. I need to focus on the money more than I focus on having to deal with people. I really hate working though. I'm not lazy I just don't like feeling stupid and inadequate.
 
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Possible possibly significant opportunities coming out of exposure to/ time with senior execs recently, though who knows what goes on behind the curtain. If the possible initial opportunities come to pass, it's going to be an intense next year. Fingers crossed.
 
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Friends, may I get some advice? I've been having super serious trouble with oversleeping. Especially the mental part of it--persuading myself to get out of bed. What do you tell yourself, or what trick do you do? Counting to five or whatever doesn't work for me anymore. I'm as snug as a bug in a rug.
 
Ratboy Genius said:
Friends, may I get some advice? I've been having super serious trouble with oversleeping. Especially the mental part of it--persuading myself to get out of bed. What do you tell yourself, or what trick do you do? Counting to five or whatever doesn't work for me anymore. I'm as snug as a bug in a rug.
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I generally make a list of tasks I want to get done in the day and do my best to get them done first thing so I can relax the rest of the day. After that it gets hard to sleep in much unless i have absolutely nothing to do.
 
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Ratboy Genius said:
Friends, may I get some advice? I've been having super serious trouble with oversleeping. Especially the mental part of it--persuading myself to get out of bed. What do you tell yourself, or what trick do you do? Counting to five or whatever doesn't work for me anymore. I'm as snug as a bug in a rug.
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It depends on what you mean by this. If you wake up but have hard time getting out of bed because you feel a ton of discomfort, then it is psychological. Luckily there are ways to deal with it.
I personally don't rush things up and just lay with my eyes open and if I still have troubles, just pick up the phone and look at the screen, letting blue light to wake me up. If my cat is around, I just pat her until I feel like getting up.

However, if by that you mean that you wake up after reasonable amount of time sleeping and then you are still able to sleep for a long time, that's a concerning sign. I remember, @Secret Asshole mentioned that he had that and the doctors found out that he had kidney infection.

In any case, good luck with fixing this.
 
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Anyone know anyone/have hyperthyroidism?

Conversation with my nurse family member, who mentioned that I should get my thyroid checked due to symptoms I was having. Ended up reading about hyperthyroidism, and I have literally EVERY symptom for it you can find on various medical/trusted health sources.

I'm both frustrated and astonished that if this is indeed the case, then it explains why my daily existence has been, for the most part, quite difficult and shitty since I hit puberty.

Plan to call the GP tomorrow, hopefully set up a blood test soon. Wish me luck fellow farmers, my life could quite literally be changed (for the better) if they find something.
 
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