My name is Matthew McFarland. I’ve been working tabletop roleplaying games professionally for over 20 years. A few weeks ago, I made the decision to close down my company (Growling Door Games, Inc.) and step away from the profession permanently. I want to talk about why, what happened, and what should happen going forward.
What happened was this: In October 2017, I was accused of sexual assault and statutory rape, anonymously but publicly, on RPG.net. The accuser stated that these events happened some 18 years ago. At the time, I was a moderator there. When the accusation went up, I resigned as a mod, and the staff there made the decision to ban me from the site a few days later. Also at the time, I was freelancing as a developer and writer for Onyx Path Publishing (OPP). OPP made the decision to suspend their relationship with me; they didn’t “fire” me per se because I wasn’t employed with them. Although books that I worked on for them have since been published, and a couple more have yet to be published, I received no new work from them since then.
Finally, at the time of the accusation I was the convention coordinator of the Indie Game Developer Network (IGDN). While the accusation was never discussed amongst the membership as a whole, it was definitely discussed amongst the leadership team. The president of the IGDN at the time was my wife, Michelle Lyons-McFarland. This was an obvious conflict of interest, and what should have happened was this: I should have stepped down as convention coordinator.
I didn’t do that. I didn’t, because I was, at the time, in the worst depressive episode of my life and I couldn’t stand to have one more space closed off. That’s not a good enough reason, I realize now, but at the time I was not thinking about what the optics were, or what the ramifications to the organization would be. I here want to take a moment and apologize to the other members of that leadership team for putting them in the difficult position that I did. To all of you, I’m sorry. I did eventually step down from the position, though as I mentioned, not nearly soon enough. I regret the harm that I caused to members of the organization and to the organization as a whole by these actions. To all of you, I’m sorry.
Jumping ahead to the last few days, I’ve seen a frankly dizzying number of accusations and narratives. Some of these are true, some of them have some truth in them but are missing a lot of context, and some of them are outright fabrications. I’m not going to crawl through Twitter and everywhere else my name has come up and refute, confirm, or clarify everything that I’m seeing. There is far too much hurt and anger in the industry right now for any good to come out of that kind of action, and I have no wish to contribute to it further.
I want to say a few more things, and then I’m stepping away.
First, to anyone I’ve harmed, in any way, who’s been brave enough to say something in public or who has quite understandably chosen to stay silent, I’m sorry. I apologize unreservedly and humbly. If you want me to apologize personally, make contact in a way in which you are comfortable and I’ll do so.
Second, I said above that some of the things that have been said about me are perhaps true in part, but missing some context. I do want to unpack that a little. Part of growing up with privilege is, sometimes, not knowing or understanding the kinds of harm one is capable of inflicting. I’ve learned a lot about that over the years, but obviously I still have a lot of work to do.
If anyone that I’ve harmed has a way that I can make amends or make a path to healing and improvement, I’m willing to do that work. I’m willing to walk that path. I’m willing to commit resources, energy, and attention to making myself better and to understanding how to mitigate my own privilege and toxicity to avoid doing further harm.
(Please note: I am in no way demanding that already hurt or traumatized people do the labor of instructing me or facilitating my healing. You don’t owe me a thing, certainly not forgiveness.)
Third, Michelle and I are going to forego attending conventions for the foreseeable future.
Fourth, I want to once again affirm that we are shutting down our company and stepping away. Shutting down the company isn’t something that we can do instantly, but it’s in process, and should be completed soon. We have no plans to enter the RPG industry as professionals, freelancers, or creators of any kind, and once the company is shut down, we will receive no revenue from any products to which we have contributed. Our products are no longer available on Indie Press Revolution, and we are in the process of transferring ownership of the Chill products on DriveThruRPG over to the owner of the IP; he may continue to sell them, but again, we will see no revenue or benefit from them.
Finally, I want to again acknowledge the immense amount of pain and trauma going on in this industry, and to again apologize for contributing to that. It is my sincere hope that the industry can reach a place of equilibrium, progress, and healing over time, and I think the best way that I personally can help that to happen is to step away.
Thank you for reading.
