r/polyamory

Tanner Glass said:
Well, she may be on to something. The girl he's with is young (20) but if you take the OP's age (36) and subtract the amount of time they were married (18 years, allegedly), that would make her 18. Which is young, but then you have to factor in they probably dated for at least a year or two before getting married, meaning she was 15-17 years old.

Even though he was the same age, he likely liked the fact that she was young and (probably) not that bright and stayed with her through the years. She says they were poly for ~5 years, so that would mean when she just got past age 30 they "opened" the relationship up. He could have been looking for a really damaged, young, and dumb girl for a few years and just finally found one. The fact that he is into DD/LG would lead me to believe he is a weird control freak.

EDIT - We also don't know during their poly relationship the other girls he would go for, but I would not be shocked to hear if they were all 23 or younger.
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There seem to be a disproportionate number of poly people who got married really young.
I'm curious to know what her background is. Getting married at 18 is only still common in subcultures that would also heavily frown on poly.
 
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Crunchy Leaf said:
There seem to be a disproportionate number of poly people who got married really young.
I'm curious to know what her background is. Getting married at 18 is only still common in subcultures that would also heavily frown on poly.
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Almost like young marriage is synonymous with poor impulse control/spontaneous behaviour, which (surprise surprise) doesn't stop once you get married and results in one or more parties getting bored and craving some strange. Also doesn't hurt that most of these people appear to have a gaggle of other things wrong with them so it's like putting together a by-the-numbers painting of an unstable relationship.
 
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Someone needs to just burn that subreddit to the ground. Like what sort of cuckery is this:

720935
 
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Found (without really looking) another poly success story. This one goes through a few different subreddits to paint a clearer picture.

https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/bbi4kf/compersion_lost/ (Archive) r/polyamory
I'm working very hard on myself to support my longtime husband and his GF. But sometimes despite feeling pretty good, he plunges me back into feeling inadequate, a pest, an obligation and feeling second best. Tonight was their date night. Sadly, I'm stuck at home with a fever of 102. I feel awful...dizzy, weak etc. they got home at 10:30 and I thought he might come in to check on me. But nope. They just went to bed in the other room. My feelings aren't hurt that they went out....I just thought they might be a little concerned about me but I guess not. Having someone to care about you when you're really sick is a huge perk of marriage. But I guess not if you have a beautiful girlfriend to be with.
Things like this really bum me out. If the roles were reversed, I would have come in and checked to see if he needed anything and how he was feeling. Such a small thing but I feel really unloved tonight.
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So we have our OP, a poly woman - sick and alone with a fever, sad while her longtime husband doesn't care that she's sick while he raw dogs his girlfriend a few rooms down. OP in particular feels "really unloved" and deservedly so, the situation she is describing sounds pretty shitty. I know we like to knock polyamory for being nonsense (and it is), but I would still like to think in a "healthy" poly relationship that a husband might take a night off from raw dogging the side girl to take care of his sick wife (or at a minimum, reschedule it).

There is a small stand out from the comments section, though, from the OP
Yeah. He said he thought I was asleep. He had texted me saying they'd be home at 10:30....that was my cue to go to my room. But they were out for 4 hours. I didn't even get a text asking if I was ok. It's as if as soon as they left, they forgot I existed.
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Not only was she sick, but when her husband has a date night she's apparently banished to her room while they go to slam town elsewhere in the house.


Maybe it was just a one time slip up, though, I mean, it's not like the rest of their relationship is bad, right?

https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/akx1eo/not_the_usual/ (Archive) r/DeadBedrooms - 2 months ago.
Hubby and I have been married longer than 2 decades. We are thin, fit and attractive. We also have an open marriage. He is in a 2 year relationship with his GF. I date around a little, but nothing steady as far as sex goes.
Our sex life has always been great. There have been a few bumps in the road with insecurity/jealousy about his GF, but mostly I've been good with their relationship. They spend about 1 night a week together.
But in the last 4-5 weeks, he can't get an erection with me. Not even in the morning. He's still having sex with his GF, though, and it's creating a real rift for me; emotionally, physically and mentally. He says it's not my fault. I believe him....and then I don't.
This is more of a rant than asking for advice. I wish he would put his GF on hold until we can figure this out. I've put up a wall and he feels it and says this prevents him from getting hard. But the more he has sex with her,and can't with me....I feel unattractive and guarded. I can't help it.
Please no anti-polyamorous remarks. If you don't like it or understand it, fine.
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r/DeadBedrooms is a subreddit where people go to complain/seek help about being in sexless marriages/relationships.

OP hasn't gotten banged out by her husband in nearly 3 months, even though he's more than capable with his girlfriend. She makes a point to say "don't blame poly" but her entire jealousy stems from the fact that her husband is sexually active with someone else and not her (the single core tenet of polyamory).

We can also extrapolate that as they've been together 20 years, that they are likely 40-50 years old and although the girlfriend's age is never stated, I would not be shocked to hear if she was significantly younger.

Sure, you might think, though, it's a rough patch. But if they've been together for 20 years they've probably encountered hardships before, right? It's not like it's the end.

https://www.reddit.com/r/UnsentLetters/comments/b12oy0/your_self_absorbed_depression/ (Archive) r/UnsentLetters
For two years you've been my lover, my friend, my buddy. I loved you like crazy. I supported you through all your sadness and depression. But I can't deal with your yo-yo relationship anymore. When you're really happy, you distance yourself from me. You're off going to dinner with new potential girlfriends, going on adventures. Having sex.....it doesn't matter how attractive I am....I never get you when you're happy. When you're in the depths of depression, you distance yourself, rarely texting me and NEVER asking how I might be doing.
I'm only important to you when you're neither happy or sad. I'm tired. I'm done. Sometimes I need YOU...but you only care about yourself and it's taken me two years to see this. I'm not sure you'll ever have a successful relationship with all your emotional baggage. Why do I feel guilty? Why do I care? Good luck. It's time to distance myself.
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r/UnsentLetters is a subreddit for writing letters to people and not sending them to basically vent and put your own thoughts on paper. In therapy, it's a useful tool for indirect confrontation and resolution. This subreddit in particular is intended for actual problems and is not a creative writing prompt.

Incidentally, it would seem that OP's husband and girlfriend have been going out for approximately 2 years, though that's surely a coincidence and not at all why their relationship has had such a drastic shift.

Another success story.
 
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Tanner Glass said:
Found (without really looking) another poly success story. This one goes through a few different subreddits to paint a clearer picture.

https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/bbi4kf/compersion_lost/ (Archive) r/polyamory


So we have our OP, a poly woman - sick and alone with a fever, sad while her longtime husband doesn't care that she's sick while he raw dogs his girlfriend a few rooms down. OP in particular feels "really unloved" and deservedly so, the situation she is describing sounds pretty shitty. I know we like to knock polyamory for being nonsense (and it is), but I would still like to think in a "healthy" poly relationship that a husband might take a night off from raw dogging the side girl to take care of his sick wife (or at a minimum, reschedule it).

There is a small stand out from the comments section, though, from the OP


Not only was she sick, but when her husband has a date night she's apparently banished to her room while they go to slam town elsewhere in the house.


Maybe it was just a one time slip up, though, I mean, it's not like the rest of their relationship is bad, right?

https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/akx1eo/not_the_usual/ (Archive) r/DeadBedrooms - 2 months ago.


r/DeadBedrooms is a subreddit where people go to complain/seek help about being in sexless marriages/relationships.

OP hasn't gotten banged out by her husband in nearly 3 months, even though he's more than capable with his girlfriend. She makes a point to say "don't blame poly" but her entire jealousy stems from the fact that her husband is sexually active with someone else and not her (the single core tenet of polyamory).

We can also extrapolate that as they've been together 20 years, that they are likely 40-50 years old and although the girlfriend's age is never stated, I would not be shocked to hear if she was significantly younger.

Sure, you might think, though, it's a rough patch. But if they've been together for 20 years they've probably encountered hardships before, right? It's not like it's the end.

https://www.reddit.com/r/UnsentLetters/comments/b12oy0/your_self_absorbed_depression/ (Archive) r/UnsentLetters


r/UnsentLetters is a subreddit for writing letters to people and not sending them to basically vent and put your own thoughts on paper. In therapy, it's a useful tool for indirect confrontation and resolution. This subreddit in particular is intended for actual problems and is not a creative writing prompt.

Incidentally, it would seem that OP's husband and girlfriend have been going out for approximately 2 years, though that's surely a coincidence and not at all why their relationship has had such a drastic shift.

Another success story.
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Wow. Who would have thought putting another person into your relationship would spoil the loyalty and intimacy two people build up together? That's just wild.

I feel bad for this woman even though she's clearly done this to herself by agreeing to this. Being so sick and having your husband banging away some tart in the next room...And they convince themselves that this is so much more accepting and loving than a mono relationship because they have 'no jealousy' and being mono is so booooring! Nothing is wrong with vanilla ice cream if the other flavour offered is shit-vomit flavoured.
 
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knightlautrec said:
Wow. Who would have thought putting another person into your relationship would spoil the loyalty and intimacy two people build up together? That's just wild.

I feel bad for this woman even though she's clearly done this to herself by agreeing to this. Being so sick and having your husband banging away some tart in the next room...And they convince themselves that this is so much more accepting and loving than a mono relationship because they have 'no jealousy' and being mono is so booooring! Nothing is wrong with vanilla ice cream if the other flavour offered is shit-vomit flavoured.
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Hey, people eat laundry detergent to earn the respect of random people on the Internet they've never met. Fucking up your marriage doesn't seem like such a stretch by comparison.
 
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Tanner Glass said:
Today on Time Travel Polyamory I take a look at a fresh "update" post and tie it together with the historical post they are referencing. Let's see if we could have predicted this wild turn of events.

https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/88vjt6/sometimes_i_dont_want_to_do_this_anymore_but_i/ (Archive)
One Year Ago


OP and her boyfriend (A) in a 4 year relationship. "There's never any drama"
Unless you count him cheating on her with another dude (B)
The cheating didn't ruin the relationship though, because A stuck with it (the cheating, he kept doing it)
OP decided that she may as well just open the relationship because A would not stop with B.
Why not go whole hog and start dating B herself? (Despite the fact he slept with her boyfriend).
They all move in together, there's no hierarchy and everyone is happy!
They even got a mortgage together, despite the fact that she isn't super happy but isn't sure why*

(* = she likely isn't happy because she's bottom tier garbage in her own relationship and everyone in it (A and B) have betrayed her trust multiple times but she doesn't have a spine).

That was a year ago, how did it turn out?

https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/b9jf0d/its_over_triad_25_years/ (Archive)
Three Days Ago


They dumped her because she was going to have to travel for her job once she graduated in 4 years. This is despite the fact she's apparently in a PhD program and would have been working towards this job nearly the entire time they all knew each other.
(Side Note - why buy a fucking house if you're going to move, lmao - they probably talked her into it)
She still lives in the house with them because she's on the mortgage (lmao)
They aren't polyamorous, they're in love with each other now. Not her. They have the relationship she wanted (and got cheated on a bunch for)
She's now resentful that she made the relationship and they're getting the happy ending.

Another success story.
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The guys are gay. A was deep in the closet then used OP as an emotional crutch until he was able to sashay away on his own two feet. Were it not for the polyamory twist, it’d be a tale as old as time, but even that could be explained away by B’s intense infatuation with A (enough to tolerate a clueless if nurturing fag hag) and/or shaky finances. (Did he pay rent?) I bet OP had little-to-no sex with either of them; they’re all relatively young; and (at least) A had a conservative upbringing. The only thing I do not understand is how OP could have been accepted into a PhD program. Is “polyamorous” an underrepresented minority?
 
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All of this goes to show that it's probably a bit optimistic to have a truly balanced poly relationship as people are bound to pick favorites. Sure, some people can pull it off but they are probably in the extreme minority. Most people are really best suited to monogamy or maybe being a thruple, but any more than that and people pick favorites (or different favorites) and any sense of so-called "compersion" flies out the window and morphs into jealousy.
 
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queerape said:
All of this goes to show that it's probably a bit optimistic to have a truly balanced poly relationship as people are bound to pick favorites. Sure, some people can pull it off but they are probably in the extreme minority. Most people are really best suited to monogamy or maybe being a thruple, but any more than that and people pick favorites (or different favorites) and any sense of so-called "compersion" flies out the window and morphs into jealousy.
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I'm friends with a poly couple and they seem to make it work somehow. Haven't really questioned much because it's not really my business and they're happy together and with how they do things.

But they're very much the exception to what we see posted here.
 
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DanteAlighieri said:
I'm friends with a poly couple and they seem to make it work somehow. Haven't really questioned much because it's not really my business and they're happy together and with how they do things.

But they're very much the exception to what we see posted here.
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Well to be fair you can't judge a relationship unless you're in it, you can have a toxic ass relationship that on the outside seems great to other people, or you can delude yourself into believing you're happy in it like we've seen many poly people do.
 
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wthfujoshis said:
Well to be fair you can't judge a relationship unless you're in it, you can have a toxic ass relationship that on the outside seems great to other people, or you can delude yourself into believing you're happy in it like we've seen many poly people do.
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I dunno, I've known them for over 5 years now and he's been forthcoming with drama so I'm sure any problems would've come up. And there's always signs in relationships, just contextual hints in the way they act and speak.

Again, exception and not the rule.
 
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Teenage FBI said:
The guys are gay. A was deep in the closet then used OP as an emotional crutch until he was able to sashay away on his own two feet. Were it not for the polyamory twist, it’d be a tale as old as time, but even that could be explained away by B’s intense infatuation with A (enough to tolerate a clueless if nurturing fag hag) and/or shaky finances. (Did he pay rent?) I bet OP had little-to-no sex with either of them; they’re all relatively young; and (at least) A had a conservative upbringing. The only thing I do not understand is how OP could have been accepted into a PhD program. Is “polyamorous” an underrepresented minority?
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I can't believe she didn't see their relationship ending any other way. You see this sort of situation time and time again with closeted men. Only in most cases, the beard isn't stupid enough to find out her boyfriend cheated on her with another man, see his feelings for said man are a lot stronger than the way he feels towards her, and regardless of the facts think, "oh, we can all just date each other! It will be perfect!"

EDIT: I'm suddenly reminded of a guy I spoke to a few times online. He and his girlfriend at the time cheated on each other with the same guy, and when they found out, they all got in a poly relationship. The guy I spoke to ended up leaving the triad when he moved overseas. I always wondered how that went for them.
 
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Potatis Salad said:
Finally, polyamory is not exactly a haven for attractive people, but for some reason I'm getting the vibe that everyone involved in this pathetic story is really really really ugly.
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At bare minimum, the instigators are usually ugly on the inside, and they end up making their victims ugly on the inside, too.
 
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