Here's your controller, bro - Post bad controllers, either in design or maintenance

your controller bro.jpgxbox proto controllers.jpgheres your triggers bro.jpg

This:
philips-cdi-remote-thumbstick-controller-loose.jpg


I used this piece of shit to play Link: The Faces of Evil and Zelda: Wand of Gamelon.
Come to think of it, those games and that controller deserve each other.

My school had one of these things. Part of the marketing angle behind the CDI was all the educational software, and someone in the school system was dumb enough to buy it. All it was ever used for was playing tetris, which actually had a really comfy cdi port.
 
Oh, fuck that game with a cactus covered in smaller cacti. Unless you have unlimited Lurch bombs.

Of course, then there's the weird shit in Japan where you try and give various characters the UFIA (unsolicited finger in anus). What the fuck, Japan.

View attachment 899190

FQ is a game I have a lot of love for. The music, especially, is incredibly good. Even as a kid, it boggled my mind that out of nowhere, someone made an Addams Family game where you play as Uncle Fester (for some reason) fighting aliens (again, for some reason).
 
FQ is a game I have a lot of love for. The music, especially, is incredibly good. Even as a kid, it boggled my mind that out of nowhere, someone made an Addams Family game where you play as Uncle Fester (for some reason) fighting aliens (again, for some reason).
Oh, I know. I loved it as a kid. But, it was so brutally hard and could be unforgiving in some of those corridors where you had that.... Black orb gun that had the parabolic wave to it. Trying to hit those dumbass slimes was blatantly troubling trouble. And the constant fear of mistakenly walking over a weapon downgrade and going BACK to that weapon was real. The whip weapon, though. That was the shit. The bosses were pretty cool looking too! I don't think I ever beat it, though. I think I got to the final area and then wound up dying. I might have to toss it on my 3ds and play it again.
 
If you want to talk about developer-sanctioned controllers, the original Xbox controller was an early internet meme when it first came out, and was nicknamed "The Duke" because of its excessive size.

View attachment 898276
I genuinely love this controller and I bought the modern version of it recently. The only problem with the original version of this controller was the lack of shoulder buttons, which was solved by the modern version. I plan on playing the Spyro reignited trilogy using it to further add to the blasphemy (a PS1 game trilogy with an original Xbox controller)
1566279948277.png
 
In terms of ergonomics I can't manage any Sony controller. My hands rest with fingers fairly high so I have to actively move both my thumbs down to the dualshock sticks as opposed to only one with the GCN or Xbox controllers.

My all time favorite controller was the original Xbox controller because it was larger than average. I had fairly large hands when I owned an Xbox, and this was coincidentally while I was going through puberty, so my hands were out of proportion to my body. This made the Duke controller much more comfortable than my GameCube controllers which were quite a bit smaller.

In terms of engineering, I recall having an Afterglow wired 360 controller. They were not amazing to start, with cheap plastic shell material and very weak joysticks that ended up very loose and almost completely unusable. But it had a more serious engineering flaw in that the thing would regularly shock me when my fingers went anywhere near the switch that turned the (admittedly rather nice) Xbox green LEDs in the shell on and off.

Ordinarily, a short on a USB accessory wouldn't be a huge deal since USB is ostensibly 5 volts and you need minimum 12 to penetrate skin. Whatever malfunction this thing had was hitting me with more than 12v and leaving burns on my fingertips.
 
I'm surprised nobody mentioned this piece of shit yet.
power-glove.jpg

TBF, there are some pretty amazing hacks you can do with these things and they do plug right into a serial port.

Edit to add: the history of the powerglove is pretty intriguing stuff sometimes. It's based on a high end system called a DataGlove, which at the time sold for ~$3,000. The means by which they scaled that down to a consumer product is some clever shit. In the original DataGlove, photoreceptors in each fingertip measured light in a fiber optic cable being shone down from each knuckle. It would dim as the finger was bent farther down. In the power glove they use very low level electricity run through a conductive inlay. Only 4 of the fingers measure movement and the pinky is a duplicate of the ring finger. It took real vision to make this thing happen, but it came on the market about 60 years too early (and in the wrong universe).
 
Last edited:
This custom Xbox controller I saw on etsy a while back:

il_794xN.1562243567_34z1.jpg


Neat to look at, but looks like it would be uncomfortable to hold.
I raise you a Resi 4 chainsaw. There were two of these even, one for the Gamecube version another for the PS2 version.
re4-chainsaw-625x352.png

z8m1acymqz121.jpg
 
  • Late
Reactions: 1 person
I present the N64 Arcade/Flight Stick combo:
N64 but somehow worse.jpg
Considering the official competition, this thing still manages to be special.

There's a reason I mostly stick to first-party controllers, they tend to be good. Even weird ones like the Gamecube and Wii controllers work well enough for games designed for them.

21:05 to see the N64 abomination in action, followed by some other weird N64 shit
51:45 to see the Turbo 360 thing in action
 
I'm surprised nobody mentioned this piece of shit yet.
power-glove.jpg

TBF, there are some pretty amazing hacks you can do with these things and they do plug right into a serial port.

Edit to add: the history of the powerglove is pretty intriguing stuff sometimes. It's based on a high end system called a DataGlove, which at the time sold for ~$3,000. The means by which they scaled that down to a consumer product is some clever shit. In the original DataGlove, photoreceptors in each fingertip measured light in a fiber optic cable being shone down from each knuckle. It would dim as the finger was bent farther down. In the power glove they use very low level electricity run through a conductive inlay. Only 4 of the fingers measure movement and the pinky is a duplicate of the ring finger. It took real vision to make this thing happen, but it came on the market about 60 years too early (and in the wrong universe).

Had one as a kid. Couldn't even get it to work.

I present the N64 Arcade/Flight Stick combo:
View attachment 899999
Considering the official competition, this thing still manages to be special.

Madcatz was always trash until they started making arcade sticks for fighters when Street Fighter 4 blew up. But they fucked it all up and folded last year or so.
 
AEY18_-_Sega_Dreamcast_Controller_-_Gray_-_HKT-7700_-_revised_802x853.png

One of my favorite controllers only for the fact that if you wrap your hands around it like I do, you end up giving two thumbs up. The d-pad was pretty sad and not good for playing fighting games with though, and the analog stick felt kind of weird. I love this controller a lot, but even I have to admit that it wasn't the best design.
Dreamcast failed because the fucking cable went into the controller from the bottom. What mental patient thought that was a good idea?
So this is a thing that exists
avenger-elite-defcon-f4-xbox-controller-review-11.jpg
I remember when that was being developed, or something like it. Wasn't it originally for disabled people who didn't have full range of motion with their fingers/hands?
 
Dreamcast failed because the fucking cable went into the controller from the bottom. What mental patient thought that was a good idea?

I remember when that was being developed, or something like it. Wasn't it originally for disabled people who didn't have full range of motion with their fingers/hands?
6180n-wBFoL._SY679_.jpg

That's this one or this one:
dims


That overshell is designed to allow competitive players to access the right face buttons without moving their hands off the right analog stick. It's supposed to shorten travel distances for your fingers.
 
6180n-wBFoL._SY679_.jpg

That's this one or this one:
dims


That overshell is designed to allow competitive players to access the right face buttons without moving their hands off the right analog stick. It's supposed to shorten travel distances for your fingers.
That first one looks like a pretty wicked flight stick. I'd use that.

Makes me think of this gem, which was marketed specifically to PS1 RPG players, purportedly so you could use your free hand to peruse a strategy guide:

ps1-one-handed-controller-grau-ascii-grip-neu-d.jpg


Take your RapeLay experience to the next level!

(also, input cord on the bottom, AGAIN)

EDIT: I can't let this go by without mentioning the best controller peripheral in console gaming. I'm sure everyone knows about it but the Rez Trance Vibrator is exactly what it says on the tin and I'm not waiting another four pages for people to bring it up:

Game-controller-Rez-Vibrator.jpg


It's a sex toy, and it was never meant to be anything else. It was even as gently nudged at being so in the marketing materials, as if the fact that it was only available in Japan (iirc) was not proof enough. I was so ready to see a new line of this get produced for the HD rerelease and it never happened :(
 
Last edited:
Back