حلال Connor Bible - Everyone's Favorite Molly Ringwald loving, adoption hating, aspiring writer and bellybutton fucker

[Hat]

Okay, I can kinda see how Connor's jokes make sense if I squint, but I cannot for the life of me figure out what's supposed to be funny about the two young businessmen.

It's obvious: someone is sad and traumatized because of a super edgy reason, and people are a jerk to him.
#BlackComedicGold

 

[Cosmos]

Apologies again - after 25 parts, I sometimes forget what I've already posted, especially if it's a classic Connor post like this one. I'm sure it's buried somewhere in 150 pages but for all newcomers, bask in some good old Random Access Humor

Spoiler

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Now, this may just be because I'm one of those brainless idealists, but all of those "jokes" were so painfully unfunny and stupid. I was smiling reading through this thread, but when I got to Connor's non-medy it literally sucked the smile off my face.

 

[MarineTrainedTard]

so I've been thinking about this statement:

If I can't be a writer, I'm supposed to get hooked on something else I might not enjoy. Am I right?

and the more I think about it, the more I want to scream "YES YOU DOLT" at the top of my lungs. Connor has been working on Redesigning Molly Ringwald for, what, how long? Five years? Longer? And he's written something like six extremely short chapters that probably amount to thirty pages at most.

Now, I don't know much about professional writing or publishing, but it seems that professional authors, who make their living writing, and have no other source of income, write a novel every single year, maybe every two years. There are, I think, some extremely dedicated and probably a little insane writers who write two novels a year, but anything more than that is usually indicative of a ghost writer being involved (James Patterson has something like sixteen novels released in 2014, you bet your ass he didn't write all of them by himself). Regardless of how often they publish novels, many, many also publish multiple short stories, write articles for magazines (often magazines discussing writing itself or related to the genre to which their novels and short stories belong).

On exceedingly rare occasions you have a Tolkien or a Rowling, who can write a few books that are so widely beloved that they could rest on their laurels and coast off of them; you'll notice that neither of them coasted off of the original body of work; Tolkien wrote the Simarillion, a completely unnecessary book that was simply an outpouring of his passion for the world he created that he wanted to share with everyone else. Rowling continues to write after Harry Potter. It may not be as popular as Harry Potter, but she's doing it because she loves to do it. maybe a tiny handful of these people come along once a decade, and it's a combination of skill, luck, and timing that determines when this happens. And brother, let me tell you, Connor, you ain't got the skill.

If it takes you more than a year to write a book, you're going to struggle as a writer. Considering how long you've been working on Redesigning Eva, and considering that you have almost nothing to show for it.... well...

 

[Molly Ringwald]

Welcome back, @Smutley ! How was THE BIG GAME?

Okay, I can kinda see how Connor's jokes make sense if I squint, but I cannot for the life of me figure out what's supposed to be funny about the two young businessmen.

Don't squint too hard, you'll get crow's feet.

 

[The Knife]

so I've been thinking about this statement:



and the more I think about it, the more I want to scream "YES YOU DOLT" at the top of my lungs. Connor has been working on Redesigning Molly Ringwald for, what, how long? Five years? Longer? And he's written something like six extremely short chapters that probably amount to thirty pages at most.

Now, I don't know much about professional writing or publishing, but it seems that professional authors, who make their living writing, and have no other source of income, write a novel every single year, maybe every two years. There are, I think, some extremely dedicated and probably a little insane writers who write two novels a year, but anything more than that is usually indicative of a ghost writer being involved (James Patterson has something like sixteen novels released in 2014, you bet your ass he didn't write all of them by himself). Regardless of how often they publish novels, many, many also publish multiple short stories, write articles for magazines (often magazines discussing writing itself or related to the genre to which their novels and short stories belong).

On exceedingly rare occasions you have a Tolkien or a Rowling, who can write a few books that are so widely beloved that they could rest on their laurels and coast off of them; you'll notice that neither of them coasted off of the original body of work; Tolkien wrote the Simarillion, a completely unnecessary book that was simply an outpouring of his passion for the world he created that he wanted to share with everyone else. Rowling continues to write after Harry Potter. It may not be as popular as Harry Potter, but she's doing it because she loves to do it. maybe a tiny handful of these people come along once a decade, and it's a combination of skill, luck, and timing that determines when this happens. And brother, let me tell you, Connor, you ain't got the skill.

If it takes you more than a year to write a book, you're going to struggle as a writer. Considering how long you've been working on Redesigning Eva, and considering that you have almost nothing to show for it.... well...

Consider this, too: the average advance for a first-time novelist from one of the big publishers is about $15,000. That sounds like a lot, especially when it all falls into your lap in a big lump. But if you've spent a year working on a novel, it actually works out to just under minimum wage.

Connor's been working on this book for five years. If I'm doing the math right, that's the equivalent of working a full-time job for five years for about $1.50 an hour.

ETA: accidentally typed 17K instead of 15k.

 

[Arkangel]

Consider this, too: the average advance for a first-time novelist from one of the big publishers is about $17,000. That sounds like a lot, especially when it all falls into your lap in a big lump. But if you've spent a year working on a novel, it actually works out to just better than minimum wage.

Connor's been working on this book for five years. If I'm doing the math right, that's the equivalent of working a full-time job for five years for about $1.50 an hour.

I tried looking up minimum wage for South Carolina to find out that they have none. Still, Connor would definitely make more money if he put on his big boy pants and got a job at his local pizzaria or something, because his writing is literally getting him nowhere.

 

[Smutley]

Welcome back, @Smutley ! How was THE BIG GAME?

It went splendidly, and I thank you for asking! I am kinda pouty that's it over though, but isn't that the way of life? There's always a twinge of melancholy left over, no matter how proud you are at a job well done, because it has been finished. I'm sure everyone in this thread knows that feeling of sadness, pride and accomplishment. Right, @Connor?

Right..?

Well, no matter. To take my mind off of things, here's Part 26 of Wrong Planet. We're hitting the home stretch Connorisseurs.

Does anyone remember posts like this? Maybe some stuff that was posted yesterday? Because these are from 2 years ago and I hope anyone running over here to condemn us as bullies notice Connor has literally never changed and never will.

Spoiler

(note: Connor was, it sounds, legit harassed by some idiot girls in high school getting handsy without permission. But they didn't "almost rape him". Like everything else in his sad life, he bumps up the exaggerations until it is ludicrous)

More lies about his family abusing him

Spoiler

Connor cain't Corner the Dorner neither

Spoiler

Let's break this down for people who aren't Fatty Ding Dongs:

• Asking for a plain cheeseburger, but getting it with lettuce and tomatoes, is basically a hate crime.
• Taking lettuce AND tomatoes off of a cheese burger is too much work for a young man of 19
• Connor receives shitty service from TWO awful waitresses while eating out with his evil violent abusive family in a single day
• Parents pushing you to better your life and not waste it all on flights of fancy = adult child abuse
• Even Connor's parents, the people who love him unconditionally, are fucking sick of him talking about writing but never actually doing it
• Connor thinks "I was conceived because my dad was cheating on his first wife with my mom." for no reason other than HE suspected his dad of cheating, not his mom
• He also thinks Anderson Cooper would want to display this sad tale of horror to the world.

Spoiler

"For nineteen years, I have lived in a spiritual and psychological hell because of my family. I have attempted suicide twice in the past five years as a result of this. A lesser young man would probably be dead at the point I'm at."

Spoiler

I wish the 80's never existed if only to make Connor have to pick a different image of decadence than "Cocaine"

Spoiler

There are only two different options Connor has here other than "shits himself all day retarded". You better be doing one of these doofus, otherwise you're flat out the dumbest motherfucker on the planet.

1. Connor is in the long con troll game, and we're all getting played
2. This friend is his reflection in the mirror and he hallucinates it talks to him

Spoiler

oh my god shut the fuck up jesus

Spoiler

Either Connor thinks this is the funniest thing in the world or he's jerking off to it.

Spoiler

So was the old guy or the duffle bag an escaped SCP!?

Spoiler

lol what?

Spoiler

 

[MarineTrainedTard]

Fiction writing is my obsession

No, Connor, the idea of writing fiction is your obsession. I'd posit that you, in fact, do not enjoy writing fiction. My evidence is that in five years you've written probably less than 10,000 words for Redesigning Eva. I know someone actually mentioned the word count earlier in the thread, but I can't be arsed to look for it.

 

[Hi I Am From Page 6]

Well, all I can say is welcome, page-six. I have a question.

How bad was he on Wrong Planet?

Angsty as hell and unwilling to change. To be fair, that describes a fair few people there. He's far from the worst poster I've seen.

and could not outgrow the angsty and whiny mindset that people experience as a phase when they are teenagers.

It's not hopeless. I didn't outgrow my angsty stage until I was 22.
Getting over that really helped with my depression, too. Depression is a serious illness, but being angsty does nothing to alleviate it.

 

[The Knife]

No, Connor, the idea of writing fiction is your obsession. I'd posit that you, in fact, do not enjoy writing fiction. My evidence is that in five years you've written probably less than 10,000 words for Redesigning Eva. I know someone actually mentioned the word count earlier in the thread, but I can't be arsed to look for it.

13000 words, or 29 single-spaced pages.

 

[Chipmunk's Bounty]

13000 words, or 29 single-spaced pages.

@Connor, how do you feel knowing that something like Tara Gilesbie's My Immortal is almost twice as long as your magnum opus?

 

[FramerGirl420]

Wait...how can a waitress be "snooty" while working at Huddle House? It's a fucking Huddle House. I call bullshit....yet again.

Although, if it is true...
2 servers treating you not too swell in a single day? Sounds like the problem, again, lies with you Connor. Simply reading your posts on these forums is frustrating. I cannot begin to fathom the thought of being around you IRL, much less having to serve you, ya dingus.

 

[BOLDYSPICY!]

Don't squint too hard, you'll get crow's feet.

OH GOD WHERE

It went splendidly, and I thank you for asking! I am kinda pouty that's it over though, but isn't that the way of life? There's always a twinge of melancholy left over, no matter how proud you are at a job well done, because it has been finished. I'm sure everyone in this thread knows that feeling of sadness, pride and accomplishment. Right, @Connor?

Right..?

Jeez, I thought Connor's posts were painful to read before. Anyway, thanks, @Smutley .

Angsty as hell and unwilling to change. To be fair, that describes a fair few people there. He's far from the worst poster I've seen.

That's terrifying.

It's not hopeless. I didn't outgrow my angsty stage until I was 22.
Getting over that really helped with my depression, too. Depression is a serious illness, but being angsty does nothing to alleviate it.

Aww. A change of outlook really does do wonders for one's mental health. I wish @Connor would get the memo.

 

[EI 903]

Connor really should submit an entry for Katsu's writing competition. I know he withdrew, but I think we'd all be willing to bend the rules for our special snowflake.

 

[The Knife's Husbando]

Consider this, too: the average advance for a first-time novelist from one of the big publishers is about $15,000. That sounds like a lot, especially when it all falls into your lap in a big lump. But if you've spent a year working on a novel, it actually works out to just under minimum wage.

Connor's been working on this book for five years. If I'm doing the math right, that's the equivalent of working a full-time job for five years for about $1.50 an hour.

ETA: accidentally typed 17K instead of 15k.

So basically you're saying there are nine year old kids in Nike factories in China that are making more bank than Connor would as a writer?

 

[Cosmos]

oh my god shut the fuck up jesus

What literally everyone who knows Connor thinks whenever he speaks.

 

[Arkangel]

@Connor, if you go out to dinner and someone else is paying for it, you have NO ROOM to give complaints because you're getting the food for free. Your dad was right to call you "childish".

 

[HG 400]

Angsty as hell and unwilling to change. To be fair, that describes a fair few people there. He's far from the worst poster I've seen.

Who is the worst poster you've seen?

 

[Cosmos]

Who is the worst poster you've seen?

Seriously, I was just thinking that. Maybe it's even someone who deserves their own thread...?

 

[Grand Number of Pounds]

I'm getting kind of tired of Connor complaining about his parents. Sure, his situation with his parents may not be ideal, but they are paying his college (not everyone is so lucky) at an age when many parents cut their kids loose. Of course, Connor's parents know he'd never survive on his own with his pipe dream novel and no work ethic or skills.

And for a would be writer, Connor needs to find some synonyms for scumbag.