Star Wars Griefing Thread (SPOILERS) - Safety off

[Ira the Weatherman]

Ok chums, lets speculate how cinematic history would have gone had the fates of Ridley and another young British Actress in the eye of the film industry in the late 00s been swapped over...

Better reality or worse reality?

Definitely worse. Ridley is just terrible, but Clarke's awfulness is smug and irritating to boot.

 

[Cpl. Long Dong Silver]

If Emilia Clarke was trying to embody ye olden day dictator in the endnot GoT she nailed it.

 

[Godzilla@1989]

If you were tell yourselves ten years ago that Disney would buy Star Wars, what would your or anyone’s reaction would be?

 

[Nobunaga]

Only lines from the sequel trilogy I find "memorable" (as in registered even a remote blip on the radar) are that guy who shouts "traitor" (simply because he is absolutely right and Finn is hypocrite who claims to hate violence yet has no trouble killing his comrades 2 seconds after defecting) and the only other line I can remember is this:
"YUR HEN SOLOW! THIS IS DA SHEP DAT MAID DA KESSEL RUN IN 12 PAAR SEX!"
View attachment 1029276
And that's only because of how terrible Daisy Ridley's acting and accent is when she says it. Everything about that scene was beyond awkward, made all the more worse by bad JJ comedy and hollow references, like Luke falling to myth and obscurity while everyone remembers some shitty space run who's only purpose is to be put on your resume when applying for smuggling jobs.

Aside from that, there's also "Let the past die. Kill it if you have to" purely because of how sickening it is and how well it embodies everything wrong with Disney Wars.

I would also say nu-Han's "Its true. All of it." line, but that's only because of how often I've been using it when bringing up awful Disney spoilers in this thread. So it wasn't memorable because of the movie itself.

Didn't Kingdom Hearts end on a cliffhanger where Sora apparently dies and then they show some bullshit cutscene of him and emo boy fighting inside a Final Fantasy XV knockoff? I also recall some people being upset over all the characters instantly forgiving the bad guy despite all the evil shit he did and killing Sora's gf.

Yeah, apparently the new game will feature TWEWY and versus 13 and that mistery box from the gatcha game
And even though xehanigger going to XI-BLADE heaven is retarded i would be more mad about him changing motivations 1 fucking game after Dream Drop distance and it still makes him look like a complete retard

 

[Adamska]

So was that boba fett movie turned into mandalorian after the solo flop, or were they always seperate projects. I know the boba fett movie was "canceled" but having the mando feels like they are reusing stuff from boba.

Yep, the Borba Fett movie was almost certainly repurposed into this series, since some segments feel like it would have been from the films, just with a higher budget.

Like I said, I actually hope they can at least get one season of a decent quality before nuking it, because if they do what that leaker said, the Rat's nuking their service.

 

[Love Machine]

Ive been thinking, is mando actually the first thing that has been even moderatly liked since episode 7?

 

[AnOminous]

If you were tell yourselves ten years ago that Disney would buy Star Wars, what would your or anyone’s reaction would be?

Probably what I thought when they actually did it, which is they couldn't make it worse. That sure turned out

 

[The handsome tard]

Okay, to those who recall, I had written sort of a "What if The Force Awakens was better", to show that a sequel trilogy could have been setup better, it went too long than I imagined people were comfortable to follow my sperging so I decided to cut it into parts. So here is the next part.
In no way Im saying this GREAT, but I doubt its worse than what we got, I focus on something thats different but still "similar" to the Force Awakens somewhat (to really show it could have been at least a much better written script with some fanservice but nothing that rips off A New Hope besides maybe Starkiller Base itself)

Anyway, he is the "part 1"
TL;DR version below

You know, I have realized it, wouldnt the plot of the force awakens have been way better if Starkiller base didnt wipe out the New Republic but rather the whole plot was to prevent that? Imagine how insane would be having the corrupt burocrats refusing to believe such weapon exists (even with evidence, showing that in a way, the senate is almost as blind and corrupted as the Old Republic's) and the resistance being the only ones that actually are willing to take preventive action (even with the "risks to trigger another major conflict that would lead to senseless waste of resources" ).
Han being a smuggler? Turns out its mostly a cover up, Han is studying the underworld to learn what he can about the first order and even finding out memers of the senate that sympatize with TFO and are messing with the evidence they were provided to fool the senate as a whole that there is no real threat. His divorce with Leia? All part of the cover up (or else who would believe that he would just go back to the smuggling business if he was still married to famous Leia Organa?). I do imagine Han enjoys being back at smuggling but he still knows that his nostalgia trip has a purpose.
Besides that I imagined a scary possibility...
What if...
The force users were fading from existence?

Think about it, imagine the title crawl talking about how force users arent being born anymore for whatever reason. The force still exists but its user numbers are dwedling more and more. So not only Luke is gone but the only major force users are dark side users (besides Leia but her force powers arent nearly as skilled as Luke's). Those who believe in the force (kind like that church of the force in the beginning of the movie) are having a crisis of faith
"The Force has abandoned us"
"The Force is PUNISHING us for abusing its gifts, the sith are gone but we still reap the consequences..."
Others believe that this is a test however
"The fate of the force in this universe is at stake, we must pass whatever test is it offering us..."

Another thing I think would have been for the better is if Han learned of a traitor to TFO being in Jakko, he heads there and meets with Finn (who I imagine is younger, around the age of a teen), but he confirms to Han that Starkiller base DOES exist and its preparing to destroy the New Republic as the ones that sold it out would be hiding away safely from its destruction...however, I think they get attacked by The First Order and end up splitting up (Han on his own and Chewie with Finn). I imagine while he is hiding and trying to blend in, he sees a girl trying to sell junk, the seller gives her way less than it was worth (to which Han just gives a "that asshole..." look on his face) but she gets understandably upset and demands more...the seller punch her in the face for daring to act like she herself is worth more. Han obviously grows pissed and tells the guy to pick someone his own size.

"Real brave, tough guy, try do that on a wookie and see what happens!"

The seller tells Han to fuck off, he shows him the blaster on his belt.

"Trust me, pal, you dont want to get on my bad side. You wont live to regret it..."
And Han helps the girl on her feet. She asks why he did it and he says who in their right mind would just watch that happen? She says that everyone does that.
"Well, where I am from, people tend to act a little bit better. But I used to be surrounded by all sort of scum in the past...I was kind of 'nerf herder'...not scruffy looking tho."

She helps him hide away from TFO and he sees how lonely and deprived her life style is. He knows he has to join up with Chewie and Finn so he tries to leave before they were totally gone. However he gets attacked by a TFO soldier after the seller from before sells him out (to which Han shoots him with his blaster when the soldier begins shooting), I imagine the little girl is screaming in terror during all of it. Han kills most of them but one catches him off guard and they begin to fight (clearly Han isnt the best at hand to hand combat, especially at his older years). The little girl cries for the soldier to stop and suddenly he gets pushed away from Han out of nowhere. Han uses this chance to grab his blaster and shoot the soldier in the face...he looks at the girl and see her shaking with her arm stretched out...
Han is in shock and asks "Wh-but...how? What...who are you?"
She weakly answers "R-re-Rey...." and passes out.

TL;DR: - The plot is around preventing Starkiller base from being fully activated and destroying the New Republic, the force is "gone" as no more Force Sensitives are being born, Luke is still gone but its way more implied he is trying to revert this, Han faked his divorce with Leia to return to smuggling with the purpose to learn about TFO through the underground. He meets with a deserter who turns out its a younger Finn (around his teens) who confirms that Starkiller Base exists and isnt that far off from completion. While escaping from TFO troopers, he meets with a girl (around 10-12) who turns out its force sensitive and she is named Rey.

Part 2

Han tries to wake up Rey, he lift her on his arms and quickly takes her back to her home. Its clear he could have escaped but he didnt feel it was right leaving her right after helping him and turning out she is a force user. She wakes up soon and he asks where did she learn how to use the force...she is confused and says that she can do "magic" since she can remember it.
Note: Her Force powers are weak, all she can do is very basic stuff, like a relatively weak force push and pull, she has slight experience with those two given her life style but nothing else.
Han: Thats the force, Rey. Its not magic, its something much more special. Its what the Jedi use to aww maintain peace through the galaxy.
Rey:....are they doing a good job?
Han:....Not anymore...but its not their fault. Look, Im not leaving you here.
Rey:...why? Where are you taking me?
Han: To someone who can actually help you figure this out. Now gather all you can.
She gathers her personal belongings, the fact she doesnt struggle too much shows how much she wanted off this shithole planet. Han notices something she put on her neck, a necklace with a....lightsaber hilt.
Han:......Rey? Whats this?
Rey: This? Its my special device! Its broken but I want to fix it someday!
Han: Can I see it? I promise not to break it further.
Rey:...okay, mister. I trust you.
Han inspects it...yes. It is THAT lightsaber. The lightsaber that kid he knew used...he used it himself when he had to freaking cut an animal back in Hoth to survive a blizzard. But he thought it was lost when...
Han:....Where did you get this?
Rey:....I aww always had it.
Han: Rey, this is serious, where did you find this? Its important!
Rey: I always had it with me! It felt important so I never sold it! I had it on my neck since I can remember! Please, dont be mean...
Han:...You are right, Im sorry, its that...boy, this is giving me a nostalgia trip.
He gets up
Han: You dont mind I keep this with me for now, do you? I can help ya fix it.
Rey:..... Okay but keep it safe. Its very special.

So as you can see, I have decided to sort of merge both the mystery of the Skywalker Lightsaber and Rey's origins, they are tied together instead of shrugging it away with an "Another time" BS Jar Jar Abrams used. And the saber isnt even functional, its rusty and missing pieces so its not like it can be used right away but with enough care, it can be restored back (thats fine lightsaber tech for ya).
Han sneaks out with Rey, intending to keep her safe more than ever now. He didnt know what significance she could have in the entire scheme but he imagined Leia and Luke would.
They end up meeting back with Chewie and Finn. The black teen is holding Chewie's bowcaster.
Han: Why did you give him that?!
Chewie: *roaring*
Han: Damn it, they got you got your arm good? And what you mean "he can shoot well with it", that bowcaster can almost knock ME to the ground when I use it!
Finn: Im not any regular trooper, sir...
Han: You can explain it to me once we are out of here! The Falcon is there, come on!
I imagine Chewie and Finn exchange looks with Rey but they didnt have time to ask. As Han was getting it on, he heard a dark voice within his mind.
"Han Solo...its good to see you again."
Han: Oh no...We need to get out of here, right now! Chewie! Fire her up!
Rey: What is going on?!
Han: Lets say The First Order really want us dead if they are sending Kylo Ren!
Rey: Who's Kyro Ren?
Finn: its KYLO Ren!
They start taking off.
"Running from me again? I dont think so..."
The Falcon stops mid air, knocking everyone of their place.
Chewie: *confused roar*
Han: Its him!
It shows a dark figure standing on the sandy surface, with his arm stretched and activated red saber on the other.
"Come and face me..."
The Falcon begins to be pulled back to the ground slowly.
Chewie: *worried roar*
Han: Prepare Hyperspace Jump, quick! Its our only shot! Im going to the- Wait, where is Finn?!
Suddenly the Falcon's cannon shoot a big blast at the figure. It explodes in a big cloud of sand.
Finn:....Did I get him?!
Han:......
"An excellent attempt..."
Han: No....
"But futile NONE THE LESS!"
The figure runs unnaturally fast from the sand cloud and leaps towards the Falcon with a lightsaber held behind its head.
Han: NOW! DO IT NOW!
The Falcon jumps into hyperspace at the last second, the figure striking the raging winds caused by it. The figure lands on the ground and stares up.
Kylo Ren: You cannot escape me forever...father.

Everyone in the jump is tense and exausted. Finn returns to the cockpit
Finn: That was close...too close.
Han: Yeah yeah...we made it, alright? Its what matters.
Finn: How did you know the Kylo Ren was deployed against us?
Rey: The Kylo Ren?
Finn: There is no unit in the First order like him, therebefore he is "the" Kylo Ren. Skillful, powerful, unstoppable with The Force on his side. The leader of the Knights of Ren.
Han: Because Im just that good, kid, now quit asking me stuff. You can answer questions back at Coruscant.

Note:Yes, its still Coruscant in this. While I did find the whole "Prime" thing interesting, since it was never properly explored, Im sticking with the classic.

Finn: Understood, sir...
Rey: What is Coruscant?
Chewie: *roars*
Rey: "Cant ruin the surprise..."?
Finn: Its a place of political corruption...
Han: While I wont disagree with you there, you talk like the tyranny back at you home is any better.
Finn: The First Order has its fatal flaws, however, I believe that we were only capable of progressing with the construction of the Starkiller Base so quickly and efficiently thanks to the easily exploitable political system of The New Republic...The First Order has a sense of honor, trust and brotherhood.
Han: Then why did you leave, kid? Isnt there that much better?
Finn:....I did not say it was perfect...lets leave it at that.
Finn looks at Rey...
Finn: The girl is hurt. Do I have permission to seek first aid?
Han: Is she ? Where?
Rey: Its nothing...its from when I fell off the seat...
Han: Fine. I will do it
Finn: Please, allow me, Im trained in first aid, perhaps even more than you, no offense, sir.
Han: Dont act all arrogant with me, kid, I have recovered from crap you wouldnt believe!
Chewie: *informative roar*
Han: Chewie!
Finn: Thank you, sir. Come, miss...
Rey: Rey...
Finn: Miss Rey. I shall treat your wound...
They walk with hands held.
Chewie: *shrug roar*
Han: oh zip it...Kid is acting like he owns the ship. We need to get to Leia...Its not just The New Republic thats at stake here but maybe the whole Force. How is that for high stakes...


And thats all for Part 2. Again, Im not acting like this "What if" is perfect but I do think it has a better setup than episode 7. The characters have more dynamic and hell, Han and Chewie are the main drivers of the plot. Finn acts like an actual soldier that was trained since birth (there is more to it actually but thats for later parts), instead of a pathetic janitor...man, they made the BLACK GUY the pathetic janitor (and they call us the racists), I made the black guy a bad ass kid and yet Im the racist, right?
Tried to add more mysticism that Ep 7 was missing and made Kylo Ren scary and more Vader like in terms of presence, he comes into scene and shit is suppose to get real, no Rey mary Sue to save us now.

Anyway, tell me what you think of this sperging, like, subscribe, dont forget to turn off that pesky addblock

I will prepare part 3 very soon if people want more.

 

[Love Machine]

Okay, to those who recall, I had written sort of a "What if The Force Awakens was better", to show that a sequel trilogy could have been setup better, it went too long than I imagined people were comfortable to follow my sperging so I decided to cut it into parts. So here is the next part.
In no way Im saying this GREAT, but I doubt its worse than what we got, I focus on something thats different but still "similar" to the Force Awakens somewhat (to really show it could have been at least a much better written script with some fanservice but nothing that rips off A New Hope besides maybe Starkiller Base itself)

Anyway, he is the "part 1"
TL;DR version below



TL;DR: - The plot is around preventing Starkiller base from being fully activated and destroying the New Republic, the force is "gone" as no more Force Sensitives are being born, Luke is still gone but its way more implied he is trying to revert this, Han faked his divorce with Leia to return to smuggling with the purpose to learn about TFO through the underground. He meets with a deserter who turns out its a younger Finn (around his teens) who confirms that Starkiller Base exists and isnt that far off from completion. While escaping from TFO troopers, he meets with a girl (around 10-12) who turns out its force sensitive and she is named Rey.

Part 2

Han tries to wake up Rey, he lift her on his arms and quickly takes her back to her home. Its clear he could have escaped but he didnt feel it was right leaving her right after helping him and turning out she is a force user. She wakes up soon and he asks where did she learn how to use the force...she is confused and says that she can do "magic" since she can remember it.
Note: Her Force powers are weak, all she can do is very basic stuff, like a relatively weak force push and pull, she has slight experience with those two given her life style but nothing else.
Han: Thats the force, Rey. Its not magic, its something much more special. Its what the Jedi use to aww maintain peace through the galaxy.
Rey:....are they doing a good job?
Han:....Not anymore...but its not their fault. Look, Im not leaving you here.
Rey:...why? Where are you taking me?
Han: To someone who can actually help you figure this out. Now gather all you can.
She gathers her personal belongings, the fact she doesnt struggle too much shows how much she wanted off this shithole planet. Han notices something she put on her neck, a necklace with a....lightsaber hilt.
Han:......Rey? Whats this?
Rey: This? Its my special device! Its broken but I want to fix it someday!
Han: Can I see it? I promise not to break it further.
Rey:...okay, mister. I trust you.
Han inspects it...yes. It is THAT lightsaber. The lightsaber that kid he knew used...he used it himself when he had to freaking cut an animal back in Hoth to survive a blizzard. But he thought it was lost when...
Han:....Where did you get this?
Rey:....I aww always had it.
Han: Rey, this is serious, where did you find this? Its important!
Rey: I always had it with me! It felt important so I never sold it! I had it on my neck since I can remember! Please, dont be mean...
Han:...You are right, Im sorry, its that...boy, this is giving me a nostalgia trip.
He gets up
Han: You dont mind I keep this with me for now, do you? I can help ya fix it.
Rey:..... Okay but keep it safe. Its very special.

So as you can see, I have decided to sort of merge both the mystery of the Skywalker Lightsaber and Rey's origins, they are tied together instead of shrugging it away with an "Another time" BS Jar Jar Abrams used. And the saber isnt even functional, its rusty and missing pieces so its not like it can be used right away but with enough care, it can be restored back (thats fine lightsaber tech for ya).
Han sneaks out with Rey, intending to keep her safe more than ever now. He didnt know what significance she could have in the entire scheme but he imagined Leia and Luke would.
They end up meeting back with Chewie and Finn. The black teen is holding Chewie's bowcaster.
Han: Why did you give him that?!
Chewie: *roaring*
Han: Damn it, they got you got your arm good? And what you mean "he can shoot well with it", that bowcaster can almost knock ME to the ground when I use it!
Finn: Im not any regular trooper, sir...
Han: You can explain it to me once we are out of here! The Falcon is there, come on!
I imagine Chewie and Finn exchange looks with Rey but they didnt have time to ask. As Han was getting it on, he heard a dark voice within his mind.
"Han Solo...its good to see you again."
Han: Oh no...We need to get out of here, right now! Chewie! Fire her up!
Rey: What is going on?!
Han: Lets say The First Order really want us dead if they are sending Kylo Ren!
Rey: Who's Kyro Ren?
Finn: its KYLO Ren!
They start taking off.
"Running from me again? I dont think so..."
The Falcon stops mid air, knocking everyone of their place.
Chewie: *confused roar*
Han: Its him!
It shows a dark figure standing on the sandy surface, with his arm stretched and activated red saber on the other.
"Come and face me..."
The Falcon begins to be pulled back to the ground slowly.
Chewie: *worried roar*
Han: Prepare Hyperspace Jump, quick! Its our only shot! Im going to the- Wait, where is Finn?!
Suddenly the Falcon's cannon shoot a big blast at the figure. It explodes in a big cloud of sand.
Finn:....Did I get him?!
Han:......
"An excellent attempt..."
Han: No....
"But futile NONE THE LESS!"
The figure runs unnaturally fast from the sand cloud and leaps towards the Falcon with a lightsaber held behind its head.
Han: NOW! DO IT NOW!
The Falcon jumps into hyperspace at the last second, the figure striking the raging wings caused by it. The figure lands on the ground and stares up.
Kylo Ren: You cannot escape me forever...father.

Everyone in the jump is tense and exausted. Finn returns to the cockpit
Finn: That was close...too close.
Han: Yeah yeah...we made it, alright? Its what matters.
Finn: How did you know the Kylo Ren was deployed against us?
Rey: The Kylo Ren?
Finn: There is no unit in the First order like him, therebefore he is "the" Kylo Ren. Skillful, powerful, unstoppable with The Force on his side. The leader of the Knights of Ren.
Han: Because Im just that good, kid, now quit asking me stuff. You can answer questions back at Coruscant.

Note:Yes, its still Coruscant in this. While I did find the whole "Prime" thing interesting, since it was never properly explored, Im sticking with the classic.

Finn: Understood, sir...
Rey: What is Coruscant?
Chewie: *roars*
Rey: "Cant ruin the surprise..."?
Finn: Its a place of political corruption...
Han: While I wont disagree with you there, you talk like the tyranny back at you home is any better.
Finn: The First Order has its fatal flaws, however, I believe that we were only capable of progressing with the construction of the Starkiller Base so quickly and efficiently thanks to the easily exploitable political system of The New Republic...The First Order has a sense of honor, trust and brotherhood.
Han: Then why did you leave, kid? Isnt there that much better?
Finn:....I did not say it was perfect...lets leave it at that.
Finn looks at Rey...
Finn: The girl is hurt. Do I have permission to seek first aid?
Han: Is she ? Where?
Rey: Its nothing...its from when I fell off the seat...
Han: Fine. I will do it
Finn: Please, allow me, Im trained in first aid, perhaps even more than you, no offense, sir.
Han: Dont act all arrogant with me, kid, I have recovered from crap you wouldnt believe!
Chewie: *informative roar*
Han: Chewie!
Finn: Thank you, sir. Come, miss...
Rey: Rey...
Finn: Miss Rey. I shall treat your wound...
They walk with hands held.
Chewie: *shrug roar*
Han: oh zip it...Kid is acting like he owns the ship. We need to get to Leia...Its not just The New Republic thats at stake here but maybe the whole Force. How is that for high stakes...


And thats all for Part 2. Again, Im not acting like this "What if" is perfect but I do think it has a better setup than episode 7. The characters have more dynamic and hell, Han and Chewie are the main drivers of the plot. Finn acts like an actual soldier that was trained since birth (there is more to it actually but thats for later parts), instead of a pathetic janitor...man, they made7 the BLACK GUY the pathetic janitor (and they call us the racists), I made the black guy a bad ass kid and yet Im the racist, right?
Tried to add more mysticism that Ep 7 was missing and made Kylo Ren scary and more Vader like in terms of presence, he comes into scene and shit is suppose to get real, no Rey mary Sue to save us now.

Anyway, tell me what you think of this sperging, like, subscribe, dont forget to turn off that pesky addblock

I will prepare part 3 very soon if people want more.

Only write more if you include the emperors ghost, because i am very excited for that in skywalker rising and i want to see you write it in a none retarded way. Through darth maul in there too.

 

[The handsome tard]

Only write more if you include the emperors ghost, because i am very excited for that in skywalker rising and i want to see you write it in a none exceptional way. Through darth maul in there too.

Well, Snoke is still a thing and he has connections with the Sith (tho he wont be one "officially").
Oh and "spoilers", he wont be killed off out of nowhere...tho Im only focusing on Ep 7. I guess if people want me to do one of Ep 8, I can try.

 

[Adamska]

Well, Snoke is still a thing and he has connections with the Sith (tho he wont be one "officially").
Oh and "spoilers", he wont be killed off out of nowhere...tho Im only focusing on Ep 7. I guess if people want me to do one of Ep 8, I can try.

Go ahead, I did my own napkin scripts in this thread too.

 

[Love Machine]

Alright, lets play a game. You get to take one retconned character and add them to ep 9, they can do 1 action that would make you love the movie despite how shit it is. Only rule is they cant completely swerve the plot of the whole movie.

I pick Durge, and id have him kill a fuck load of storm troopers and captain phasma exactly like in the old clone wars cartoon.

 

[Spoonge]

Alright, lets play a game. You get to take one retconned character and add them to ep 9, they can do 1 action that would make you love the movie despite how shit it is. Only rule is they cant completely swerve the plot of the whole movie.

I pick Durge, and id have him kill a fuck load of storm troopers and captain phasma exactly like in the old clone wars cartoon.

I pick Twi'leks (since apparently they dont exist anymore to Disney) and they engage in hardcore pornography for 2 hours complete with top tier FX work and an original John Williams score . That'd get my ass in a seat faster than you could say lekku. Anything less and Disney can go fuck itself.

 

[The handsome tard]

Alright, lets play a game. You get to take one retconned character and add them to ep 9, they can do 1 action that would make you love the movie despite how shit it is. Only rule is they cant completely swerve the plot of the whole movie.

I pick Durge, and id have him kill a fuck load of storm troopers and captain phasma exactly like in the old clone wars cartoon.

Kyle Katarn

Guy was able to steal the Death Star plans on his own whilest it took Rogue One a lot, including death, to do it.
He would annihilate Kylo Ren with his hybrid Jedi/Blaster/Force combo, or all the knights of Ren with his eyes closed. Kyle runs on badass, its what I am saying.

 

[ASoulMan]

Okay, to those who recall, I had written sort of a "What if The Force Awakens was better", to show that a sequel trilogy could have been setup better, it went too long than I imagined people were comfortable to follow my sperging so I decided to cut it into parts. So here is the next part.
In no way Im saying this GREAT, but I doubt its worse than what we got, I focus on something thats different but still "similar" to the Force Awakens somewhat (to really show it could have been at least a much better written script with some fanservice but nothing that rips off A New Hope besides maybe Starkiller Base itself)

Anyway, he is the "part 1"
TL;DR version below



TL;DR: - The plot is around preventing Starkiller base from being fully activated and destroying the New Republic, the force is "gone" as no more Force Sensitives are being born, Luke is still gone but its way more implied he is trying to revert this, Han faked his divorce with Leia to return to smuggling with the purpose to learn about TFO through the underground. He meets with a deserter who turns out its a younger Finn (around his teens) who confirms that Starkiller Base exists and isnt that far off from completion. While escaping from TFO troopers, he meets with a girl (around 10-12) who turns out its force sensitive and she is named Rey.

Part 2

Han tries to wake up Rey, he lift her on his arms and quickly takes her back to her home. Its clear he could have escaped but he didnt feel it was right leaving her right after helping him and turning out she is a force user. She wakes up soon and he asks where did she learn how to use the force...she is confused and says that she can do "magic" since she can remember it.
Note: Her Force powers are weak, all she can do is very basic stuff, like a relatively weak force push and pull, she has slight experience with those two given her life style but nothing else.
Han: Thats the force, Rey. Its not magic, its something much more special. Its what the Jedi use to aww maintain peace through the galaxy.
Rey:....are they doing a good job?
Han:....Not anymore...but its not their fault. Look, Im not leaving you here.
Rey:...why? Where are you taking me?
Han: To someone who can actually help you figure this out. Now gather all you can.
She gathers her personal belongings, the fact she doesnt struggle too much shows how much she wanted off this shithole planet. Han notices something she put on her neck, a necklace with a....lightsaber hilt.
Han:......Rey? Whats this?
Rey: This? Its my special device! Its broken but I want to fix it someday!
Han: Can I see it? I promise not to break it further.
Rey:...okay, mister. I trust you.
Han inspects it...yes. It is THAT lightsaber. The lightsaber that kid he knew used...he used it himself when he had to freaking cut an animal back in Hoth to survive a blizzard. But he thought it was lost when...
Han:....Where did you get this?
Rey:....I aww always had it.
Han: Rey, this is serious, where did you find this? Its important!
Rey: I always had it with me! It felt important so I never sold it! I had it on my neck since I can remember! Please, dont be mean...
Han:...You are right, Im sorry, its that...boy, this is giving me a nostalgia trip.
He gets up
Han: You dont mind I keep this with me for now, do you? I can help ya fix it.
Rey:..... Okay but keep it safe. Its very special.

So as you can see, I have decided to sort of merge both the mystery of the Skywalker Lightsaber and Rey's origins, they are tied together instead of shrugging it away with an "Another time" BS Jar Jar Abrams used. And the saber isnt even functional, its rusty and missing pieces so its not like it can be used right away but with enough care, it can be restored back (thats fine lightsaber tech for ya).
Han sneaks out with Rey, intending to keep her safe more than ever now. He didnt know what significance she could have in the entire scheme but he imagined Leia and Luke would.
They end up meeting back with Chewie and Finn. The black teen is holding Chewie's bowcaster.
Han: Why did you give him that?!
Chewie: *roaring*
Han: Damn it, they got you got your arm good? And what you mean "he can shoot well with it", that bowcaster can almost knock ME to the ground when I use it!
Finn: Im not any regular trooper, sir...
Han: You can explain it to me once we are out of here! The Falcon is there, come on!
I imagine Chewie and Finn exchange looks with Rey but they didnt have time to ask. As Han was getting it on, he heard a dark voice within his mind.
"Han Solo...its good to see you again."
Han: Oh no...We need to get out of here, right now! Chewie! Fire her up!
Rey: What is going on?!
Han: Lets say The First Order really want us dead if they are sending Kylo Ren!
Rey: Who's Kyro Ren?
Finn: its KYLO Ren!
They start taking off.
"Running from me again? I dont think so..."
The Falcon stops mid air, knocking everyone of their place.
Chewie: *confused roar*
Han: Its him!
It shows a dark figure standing on the sandy surface, with his arm stretched and activated red saber on the other.
"Come and face me..."
The Falcon begins to be pulled back to the ground slowly.
Chewie: *worried roar*
Han: Prepare Hyperspace Jump, quick! Its our only shot! Im going to the- Wait, where is Finn?!
Suddenly the Falcon's cannon shoot a big blast at the figure. It explodes in a big cloud of sand.
Finn:....Did I get him?!
Han:......
"An excellent attempt..."
Han: No....
"But futile NONE THE LESS!"
The figure runs unnaturally fast from the sand cloud and leaps towards the Falcon with a lightsaber held behind its head.
Han: NOW! DO IT NOW!
The Falcon jumps into hyperspace at the last second, the figure striking the raging winds caused by it. The figure lands on the ground and stares up.
Kylo Ren: You cannot escape me forever...father.

Everyone in the jump is tense and exausted. Finn returns to the cockpit
Finn: That was close...too close.
Han: Yeah yeah...we made it, alright? Its what matters.
Finn: How did you know the Kylo Ren was deployed against us?
Rey: The Kylo Ren?
Finn: There is no unit in the First order like him, therebefore he is "the" Kylo Ren. Skillful, powerful, unstoppable with The Force on his side. The leader of the Knights of Ren.
Han: Because Im just that good, kid, now quit asking me stuff. You can answer questions back at Coruscant.

Note:Yes, its still Coruscant in this. While I did find the whole "Prime" thing interesting, since it was never properly explored, Im sticking with the classic.

Finn: Understood, sir...
Rey: What is Coruscant?
Chewie: *roars*
Rey: "Cant ruin the surprise..."?
Finn: Its a place of political corruption...
Han: While I wont disagree with you there, you talk like the tyranny back at you home is any better.
Finn: The First Order has its fatal flaws, however, I believe that we were only capable of progressing with the construction of the Starkiller Base so quickly and efficiently thanks to the easily exploitable political system of The New Republic...The First Order has a sense of honor, trust and brotherhood.
Han: Then why did you leave, kid? Isnt there that much better?
Finn:....I did not say it was perfect...lets leave it at that.
Finn looks at Rey...
Finn: The girl is hurt. Do I have permission to seek first aid?
Han: Is she ? Where?
Rey: Its nothing...its from when I fell off the seat...
Han: Fine. I will do it
Finn: Please, allow me, Im trained in first aid, perhaps even more than you, no offense, sir.
Han: Dont act all arrogant with me, kid, I have recovered from crap you wouldnt believe!
Chewie: *informative roar*
Han: Chewie!
Finn: Thank you, sir. Come, miss...
Rey: Rey...
Finn: Miss Rey. I shall treat your wound...
They walk with hands held.
Chewie: *shrug roar*
Han: oh zip it...Kid is acting like he owns the ship. We need to get to Leia...Its not just The New Republic thats at stake here but maybe the whole Force. How is that for high stakes...


And thats all for Part 2. Again, Im not acting like this "What if" is perfect but I do think it has a better setup than episode 7. The characters have more dynamic and hell, Han and Chewie are the main drivers of the plot. Finn acts like an actual soldier that was trained since birth (there is more to it actually but thats for later parts), instead of a pathetic janitor...man, they made the BLACK GUY the pathetic janitor (and they call us the racists), I made the black guy a bad ass kid and yet Im the racist, right?
Tried to add more mysticism that Ep 7 was missing and made Kylo Ren scary and more Vader like in terms of presence, he comes into scene and shit is suppose to get real, no Rey mary Sue to save us now.

Anyway, tell me what you think of this sperging, like, subscribe, dont forget to turn off that pesky addblock

I will prepare part 3 very soon if people want more.

Honestly anything sounds better than what we got so far, and I'm liking this little redo. Plus this isn't the first time people on here came up with better ideas anyway.

You write that third part!

 

[The handsome tard]

Honestly anything sounds better than what we got so far, and I'm liking this little redo. Plus this isn't the first time people on here came up with better ideas anyway.

You write that third part!

Thank you, friend. I will.

 

[Creep3r]

You know something about that "They Fly Now" clip gave me weird vibes, and I think I figured out why...

I can never unsee this... The way his mouth opens also feels so strange, like its CGI or something.

Alright, lets play a game. You get to take one retconned character and add them to ep 9, they can do 1 action that would make you love the movie despite how shit it is. Only rule is they cant completely swerve the plot of the whole movie.

After Rey finally vanquishes Palpatine and peace is seemingly declared, the mist clears in Palpatine's throne room and Rey sees a dark figure approaching her from the mist...

Mysterious figure: "Well done Rey... or should I say Rey Skywalker? You've become everything I hoped you would be and more."
Rey: "Who are you?!" [Says our flabbergasted heroine as her mouth becomes agape in shock]
Mysterious figure: "I am known by many names... Among mortals I am known as Kathleen... To those who revere me, I am known as 'The Beloved Queen of the Stars'... and to others, I am known as 'The Bringer of Chaos'. But you... you may call me 'Mother'."
Rey: [Stares in complete shock as her jaw unhinges and her mouth opens ever wider]
Kennedy: "Yes my child. I created you and this new world you call home. All for you. Through you and Kylo I was able to destroy the old world and forge a new one that allowed me to shame and destroy all my old foes, like that meddlesome Skywalker boy. Now that this world has reached its final stage, your transformation is complete. Now, we may become one once more and usher in a new era of shapeless beauty! Come to me my child! Let us become one! Let us become Abeloth!"
Rey: [In her shock, her mouth has contorted itself into such a horrid shape that it can no longer be perceived by mortals, and she can no longer respond to this shocking revelation as her essence is absorbed by the Mistress of Corruption]

Plot would play out the same and Rey still becomes the ultimate Force Demon Queen Goddess and everything you like still gets screwed. That would certainly subvert my expectations.

 

[verissimus]

@GeneralFriendliness Thanks for visually scarring all of us with that crap.

 

[Love Machine]

Tfw we will never get a cartoon on this level EVER again.

 

[Wyzzerd]

Kyle Katarn

Guy was able to steal the Death Star plans on his own whilest it took Rogue One a lot, including death, to do it.
He would annihilate Kylo Ren with his hybrid Jedi/Blaster/Force combo, or all the knights of Ren with his eyes closed. Kyle runs on badass, its what I am saying.

While I wholly support Kyle Katarn in full ass kicking glory, Kyle is a hero and heroes save the galaxy.

This galaxy doesn't deserve peace, it demands destruction!

BRING FORTH GRAND ADMIRAL THRAWN! Make him shoot out of hyperspace in command of the Katana fleet kicking ass and retaking the galaxy under the iron fist of the true empire.