Disillusioned with transition. Jealous of my partner. I feel so guilty. Sorry for the long post, just need to vent
I'm a 27 mtf. I've been on hrt for almost 3 years now and I don't really feel any better about my body than I did before hrt. Breast growth stopped in Tanner 2 6-8 months in. All of the breast tissue is just behind the nipples, never expanded out. Looking at myself with my shirt off it seems hard to believe I've been taking estrogen for 3 years.
Ive lost and gained and lost and gained the same 15 pounds 3 times since hrt but my fat distribution isn't any more feminine. It just goes to my stomach.
The first thing I did before even realizing I was trans was try to grow my hair out 5 years ago. I always wanted long, pretty hair when I was a kid but I wasn't allowed. But my hair is dry and bristle-y and brittle and I haven't been able to figure out how to make it not look and feel awful. Have tried different hair cut/ shampoo/ conditioning schedules, different shampoos and conditioners, deep conditioning treatments, leave in conditioner, hair creams, oils, etc. Nothing seems to help.
The only thing that seemed to change is my face got a bit rounder and my skin got a bit softer, which I'm thankful for.
Hrt seemed so exciting when I started. I had this idea of developing a noticably feminine body (not passing, but feminine) on top of my masculine frame. I knew some things could never change and that starting at 24/25 would mean the changes might be less significant. I thought I had realistic expectations but even considering that my lack of change seems sort of atypical.
Or maybe not, maybe this is a common experience. But it seems like every person I know online or irl who also transitioned has experienced more significant feminization. I fall apart whenever I see another trans woman online because I think about what could have happened.
They call it second puberty and that feels accurate for me. The first time around I watched my peers develop into women and felt distressed that I didn't. I feel the same this time around.
I met my partner (also mtf) when I was a bit over a year into hrt. She's the best, I love her more than anyone in the world. She started hrt not long after we started dating at age 27. Over the past year and a half she has had extremely noticable feminising results. She has developed b-c cup breasts, gotten a narrower tapered waiste, fat has moved to her hips, butt, thighs, and chest. Softer skin, rounder face.
She was losing hair before she started and it really bothered her, but she's since grown it back and the quality has improved.
I feel so guilty. I love her more than anyone in the world but I want to cry every time I see her. I wish I could just get over this. I wish more that I could have just changed the way she did.
When we first met we would talk about our experience with dysphoria. How we didn't like having our picture taken or being seen by people. I still feel that way. But her body changed and she's euphoric. She wants to be seen, she wants to be around people now.
I don't know what to do. I've talked to her about it and she's sympathetic but she doesn't know what to say. I dont want her to feel bad, she didn't do anything wrong obviously, I'm just in pain. And it doesn't seem to be letting up.