Fuck You RH
I feel the need to preface this by saying that I am not writing this to
downplay the stories from the real victims of Ryan’s disgusting behavior. I
was not victimized by him the same way but I almost was and looking back,
I can see that it was all grooming behavior. I’m so angry and hurt and
absolutely disgusted but I cannot stay silent any more.
March of 2016. Ryan Haywood announces that he’s going to start
streaming. At this point, I am 6 months into the darkest depression I’ve ever
experienced after my father passed away in October of 2015. He had
always been my favorite AH personality and I was so excited to get to
watch him stream. I donated bits and after a few streams he knew my
nickname, Nyx, and would respond to my cheers using that name. I was
over the moon. I was 20 years old and emotionally vulnerable and him
saying my name publicly was an endorphin rush that I craved. He made me
feel special because he knew my name.
Fast-forward to 2017/2018 when he announced that he got a Snapchat. I,
like so many others, used this as a chance to connect with him. I sent him
pictures of my dog that I had recently adopted from a friend that I was
training, I sent him pictures of my cat, of the scenery in my city, of the
snowfall in winter. He’d open them but never respond. One day, I
messaged him because I was having a bad day and just needed to vent.
That day started what I now recognize as his attempts to groom me.
We would chat for a while on occasion, but I always backed off because I
didn’t want to intrude on his personal life. But anytime I’d send him a new
Snap, he’d open it and respond almost immediately. The few times I’d send
selfies I’d get semi-flirty messages back and I played them off and never
responded back. Looking back, he was very obviously using the fact that I
trusted him and that I was emotionally vulnerable to flirt with me. After a
few flirty messages: “You look so cute

” and “Wow you’re so gorgeous
with your hair down <3” and others like that, I stopped contacting him. I was
still active in his streams but I stopped trying to talk privately with him.
Fast-forward to last week. The first accusations came out and I was so
adamant that it was fake. Like so many others in those first few hours, I
refused to believe that this man, this man who raised money for charity and
had a wife and two young children, would do something so horrible. I was
one of the people who tried to defend him because I couldn’t believe it was
true. I was willing to defend him because I couldn’t accept that someone I
looked up to could be a monster.
Then more stories came out. I saw the videos, the pictures, the
screenshots from the victims, many who I consider my friends. I heard,
over and over and over again, how this monster used Snapchat as a way to
contact these girls and send them explicit images and videos. How he used
the money that we donated to him under the impression that it was going to
be used for his kids’ college funds to pay for flights and hotel rooms for his
infidelity. It made me sick to my stomach, not only because of what he did,
but because it could have been me.
That’s why I’m writing this out. I was not a victim of Ryan Haywood in the
sense that he lured me in and had sex with me and tried to silence me. But
I am a victim of his grooming. I have survivor’s guilt because it could have
just as easily been me in one of those hotel rooms. Two or three years ago
I was in such a vulnerable place mentally and emotionally that if he had
posed that offer to me, I probably would have said yes. I probably would
have gone with him willingly and that is the scariest thing for me to face
about all this.
And now, hearing that some of these girls were barely legal makes me wish
that it had been me so that these young girls would not have to live the rest
of their lives with this darkness in their hearts. I wish that it had been me
instead of these other victims, and I am so sorry that any of the victims had
to suffer this way. I stand with you, and I will always stand with you.
Fuck you, Ryan Haywood. Fuck you for preying on vulnerable young girls
and young women. Fuck you for using your fame and power to hurt those
who trusted you. Fuck you for lying to all of us for years. Fuck you for being
someone who twisted the trust of thousands of people. Fuck you for hurting
Laurie. Fuck you for hurting Eli and Olivia. Fuck you for shattering this
community. Fuck you, fuck you, FUCK YOU. My only prayer for you is that
karma gives back to you all the pain and suffering you have put so many of
us through.