Tess Holliday / Ryann Maegen Hoven - Beached Landwhale model, Body positive and social justice snacktivist, and gigantic fraud

[Daddy's Little Kitten]

Wow, two narcs working together! “Tess, just walk like I do!!” Fucking hell.

No grown woman walks like this. Someone said the ad is infantilizing, and it’s because of this TEE HEE IM A DAINTY LADY bullshit. I agree it would have been so much more effective to show someone legit exhausted, makeup blah and hair flat after a day out (maybe the weather sucked? this could have been shown with some movie magic of thunder and lightning) who is totally excited to come home after work, take a bath and relax. Wouldn’t that have sold the “pamper yourself luxuriously” concept so much better??

On a thinner woman, they’d have put her in pumps. But since Messy Tessy can only spill out of sandals AND because she obviously can’t undo them herself, we have the glorious foot trip footage.

This ad is a beautiful gift, tbh.

It's truly blursed.

 

[yousoundlikeanasshole]

This photo does her no favors.

 

[Pina Colada]

This photo does her no favors. View attachment 1947920

Who even says "slumber party" anymore outside of 90s tween comedies?

 

[Rotogravure]

I can't wait to see what riveting subjects she talks about (cakes) and what interesting things she does (cakes).

 

[Speakeasy Electric]

What’s with the bottoms of her feet being so dirty?

 

[AbraCadaver]

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What’s with the bottoms of her feet being so dirty?

I’m betting she walks around barefoot a lot because shoes hurt her feet. She only gets cantilevered into heels for shoots. She likely stood about outside the door without the shoes on before being put into them at the last possible moment.

Either that or she wears flipflops everywhere like a lot of deathfats because they’re easy to put on without hands, and hers are likely dirty and dusty, and she wore them to the shoot.

 

[Smiling Honeybadger]

Who even says "slumber party" anymore outside of 90s tween comedies?

It is also a shit name for a podcast. At least in my opinion, because it sounds like a boring snorefest. And knowing Tess it will most likely be one. And most likely last about as long as Anna's "Alcoholism is quirky" failed podcast. What is it with shallow bitches and trying to make a personality driven podcasts?!

 

[AbraCadaver]

It is also a shit name for a podcast. At least in my opinion, because it sounds like a boring snorefest. And knowing Tess it will most likely be one. And most likely last about as long as Anna's "Alcoholism is quirky" failed podcast. What is it with shallow bitches and trying to make a personality driven podcasts?!

They think it’s easy money. Just like, talk about yourself and tell stories! She just went on a podcast and probably came away thinking it was a good money-making idea. She doesn’t realize that you have to COMMIT to it, it’s work, there are equipment costs, she needs to sit down and script it every week, come up with new and interesting material...

Tess is also about as deep as a teaspoon, so her fifteen minutes of being able to talk about woke things and beauty standards will run out in the first episode. She’ll also waste no time shilling for her “ambassadorships” with Watermelon Lotion brand and Fabletics. After that, it’ll be a bunch of unscripted “ummmms” and “like, you knowwwwws” and trying to get other, more successful people to come on and guest in order to fill air time. If you’ve seen any of her actual interviews, the interviewer often just spoonfeeds her a softball question about body positivity and overcoming model standards etc, and she answers it in vague and repetitive ways. She’s barely able to hold interest in an interview, let alone host an entire show herself.

She will quit when she realizes it doesn’t make as much money as sitting on cakes for feeders, and it’s a lot of work and thought to do regularly.

 

[multiverse]

I can't wait to see what riveting subjects she talks about (cakes) and what interesting things she does (cakes).

It'll be exactly like her E! audition, where she stuffs her face and instructs whoever is has foolishly agreed to join her to entertain her. Boring as hell.

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What’s with the bottoms of her feet being so dirty?

She walks around barefoot all the time like the white trash she is. She even walked barefoot in a Montreal subway station, for a Pennington campaign, because she could stand the heels they gave her 150 pounds ago.

 

[Clotso Coof]

Oh God it got worse. *Sora Connor (sorry I kept thinking she has a normal person name) moves Tess’s legs around for her while Tess lays flat on her back, being suffocated by the weight of her abdomen...
And then, Tess laughs and say "haha I'm gonna fart right in your face!" Sora quickly drops her legs and the video ends with Ryann cackling delightedly.
.
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Flabletics needs to dump Tess if they care about their brand. Not only is she openly rude and disgusting, a personal trainer has to move her legs around like Tess is paralysed.

These pics look like a fatty who had a bad stroke, now getting rehab from a physical therapist in HOPES that she could learn to walk again someday.

You know, I actually struggle to figure out who weighs more - Ryann, or Chantal? Because Tess’s gunt is a major competitor with Chantals, and we know for a fact that Tess’s arms dwarf our Canadian gorl's.

I think Tess is 50+ lbs heavier than Chantal. Tess has huge arms and lower legs. Her calves alone must be heavy as fuck.

Edit: more videos from Sora's account. Tess came in the room shrieking that she was going hot pilates oN hEr PeRiOd.
View attachment 1944193

Her knees look like they're about to explode, fat legs flying off in separate directions. Plus the general crudeness...

Once again, Flabletics, do you want this to be your brand image? Well, it is now.

Save your branding: FIRE TESS and end this revolting charade.

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She almost falls down while she shakes each shoe - because she can't reach her feet - off. She can't lift her leg unassisted either on the edge of the tub, or onto the lawn chair (they use a jump cut on the lawn chair one, so I assume she fell at least once. What I wouldn't give for the outtakes)

I laughed when she almost fell over trying to get that first shoe off. Dumb cow.

And that little stripe of pink lotion didn't cover much of her enormous calf, did it? She'd use half the bottle just lotioning up her legs.

 

[Lisa Frank Abomination]

She's just an uneducated moron. Her posts are always filled with spelling and grammatical errors.

Anyway, I come bearing gifts from the Land of the Rising Sun.

Stumbled upon this entirely by accident while Googling in Japanese. It provided a lot of entertainment.

It appears that Tessy was a topic of discussion on Girls Channel, a Japanese forum, a few years ago. The best way I can describe Girls Channel is that it's like if a bunch of bored Japanese housewives had their own anonymous version of lolcow and Reddit combined. Lots of celebrity gossip/discussion, but also a lot of "My husband is an idiot" talk and lifestyle shit.

https://girlschannel.net/topics/318415/

The discussion centers around a linked article about Tess' modeling job for Torrid — meaning that all of these comments came about 100-150 lbs ago in the Tess Universe when she still had her "pretty" face.

Most of the derision comes from the original article describing Tess as "pocchari" (ぽっちゃり). Pocchari is Japanese slang for a chubby girl — but chubby in the sense that she's "thicc" but still "cute," most likely due to the fact that she has an attractive face by Japanese standards and/or has "curves in the right places" as opposed to just being a garden variety fat. This Girls Channel comment says photos D and E are poccharri, but I'd argue that F would also be most people's understanding of a pocchari girl. Another common word in the comments is "debu" (デブ), slang for "fatso," "fatty," "fat person" etc.

[snip]

I'm so sorry I'm this late but I wanted to point two things out. First, that a lot of people were referencing the Japanese plus size model magazine La Farfa. Comparing the models to the HAES movement cows is entertaining. They've got a couple of hefty apple shaped gals but most wouldn't be out of place in your run-of-the-mill Old Navy or Dove "diversity" ad. The number of comments saying "damn, I though La Farfa was pushing the boundaries but America is on another level" was great.



This comment was also hilariously based:

↑これ読んで「＃effyourbeautystandards」で検索してみたらなんかスッゴイ画像がたくさん出てきた。笑
"I searched for #effyourbeautystandards after reading this and some really amazing images came out. LMAO"






BMI22～25の、本当の意味でのぽっちゃり健康体型ならいいと思うけど、限度ってものがあるだろ！
"It'd be nice if you could really have a cute, chubby body and be healthy at a BMI of 22-25, but surely there are limits!"

This photo does her no favors. View attachment 1947920

Slumber party...? She's trying to evoke the sexy pillow fight sorority image isn't she? She thinks she's going to come off like a queen bee dishing gossip but she's really the twelve year old watching movies with her mom saying it doesn't matter that she doesn't have friends, she has cake and popcorn and she's going to stay up all night she's super cool okay?

Her branding for this is so weird too, like, shouldn't she be in pajamas for the image? A cute eye mask and a robe, maybe? I don't understand what she's trying to convey or what this will even be about. This is just another desperate plea for attention, to no avail.

 

[Flawmil]

Tess is really tryna prove something today.


If that wasn’t cringe enough...

guise I am actually anorexic!!! Don’t mind the visual proof of the fast foods and sweets I post nearly every day!!

 

[There_is_no_Dana]

I find it oddly racist that Tess is wearing clothing made by black designers while pimping a product that is almost exclusively watermelon scented, also eating watermelon in the ad.

Also WTF Glow Recipe? Why are you doing this? Your product is good, you don't need to pander.

 

[Cynar]

Tess is really tryna prove something today.

View attachment 1948720
If that wasn’t cringe enough...
View attachment 1948722
guise I am actually anorexic!!! Don’t mind the visual proof of the fast foods and sweets I post nearly every day!!

View attachment 1948729

Is there anything more embarrassing than someone who thinks they're the most clever in the room, and so nobody will see through their bs, then proceeds to utterly show their ass? Just because you behemoths pretend that caloric intake isnt what causes one to gain/lose weight doesn't mean the rest of us are fully exceptional too. Hearing a heifer go off about how she starves herself is just so cringe. It translates to "I am lying to you or myself" every goddamn time.

Btw Tess, a hamburger typically has 800-1200 calories in it. When I eat one I've pretty much nuked half my calories for the day. Pretend it's totes basically a salad y'all! all you like, but your pained hobbling around and pilates farts don't lie.

ETA: Tess you've never "eaten pussy" in your life lol stfu

 

[ADHD]

That was a ridiculous thing to say to her, anyway. He should have asked how many cakes she consumed instead.

 

[multiverse]

Tess is really tryna prove something today.

View attachment 1948720
If that wasn’t cringe enough...
View attachment 1948722
guise I am actually anorexic!!! Don’t mind the visual proof of the fast foods and sweets I post nearly every day!!

View attachment 1948729

Ermahgot, I ~totally restrict ~ when I eat more than 22,000 calories over a 3 day period!

GORL. Who are you kidding? Yourself? Because a woman of normal weight at your height and age eats less than 1600 calories per day to maintain a not obese weight. Yoi are more than TWENTY DAYS worth of calories that a non obese woman your age and height eats in under 72 hours... because it was some manufactured holiday. As a "treat".

But your body shows you eat like this regularly. Bodies don't lie. You can lie to yourself; you can lie to others; but you are a 400+ pound woman because you binge daily. There is no other answer to your size, and anyone else who is your size. You FEEL like you are restricting when you don't eat every.single.thing you want in a day. But the proof is in your pudding body.

And that pudding body can hardly move, and is in danger of serious injury by making normal movements, as seen in your embarrassing "commercial". You in danger, gurl. Witness, or perish.

 

[FuckDuckSeagull]

Why do they always do this? People don't assume you eat all the fucking time. It doesn't matter that you restrict for a day, if then consume 20 000 calories! She really thinks she's somehow proving something, when she says she totally has an eating disorder. Honey, we can tell. Nobody gets to your size without having major problems with eating. She just doesn't want admit her eating disorder is binge eating.


Edit. And hey guys. It's ok. Her hot tall viking boyfriend lives in Canada. If he is real, 10/10 the guy's a feeder.

 

[Umaibae]

Whenever fatties pull the bUt i ReStriCt mUh FOoD! i BarELy EaT! card, I just think of all those moments on My 600 Lb Life where Dr. Now says it’s physically impossible to be so fucking huge and to keep being so fucking huge if you’re not eating thousands of calories a day.

They think they can gain sympathy, but anyone with a brain knows what they claim is scientifically impossible.

 

[Cock wombler]

Balenciaga used to be a VERY upscale, high-end label. Think old Dior or Chanel.

I don't know who's designing for the label now, but for the past few years their collections have been utter shit. The clothing looks like it was all designed and worn by Jeffree Star.

Does anyone remember when Kanye had a Hermes bag custom painted for Kim? The painting was a horror version of a nude woman, it looked like it was done by a Picasso wannabe who was spunt on crack.
That's what Tess' bag reminds me of.

ETA: Here's the bag in question:
View attachment 1942810

Balenciaga was great until tacky celebs like the kardashians fucked enough nba players and rappers to afford them. Also tess's bag reminded me of another kim k disaster. The hermes bag that kanye had 1 year old north deface i mean customise.

Also glow recipe still hasn't posted anything about their collab with tess on their instagram page

 

[George Floyd Sneed]

Saying she would rather eat pussy than a burger is some shit maybe a 15 year old boy might say to his friends. A grown ass adult saying it is very embarrassing. However we just saw her porcine body waddle and eat watermelon so it’s not like she has anything resembling dignity or shame anyway. We’ll get to see that proven with her podcast, which she will ditch when nobody listens to it and sponsors don’t shower her in money for having a podcast.