Tess Holliday / Ryann Maegen Hoven - Beached Landwhale model, Body positive and social justice snacktivist, and gigantic fraud

[bloomingcactus]

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When the moment of clarity hits you

I watched about 5 minutes of this. I was mesmerized by her arm and the upper part jiggling and hanging over the lower part of her arm. Her bicep is like a balloon and it's tied off from the lower half of her arm. It's really circus freak territory now. Then I realized I had better things to do, downvoted and moved on.

 

[FuckDuckSeagull]

Tess thinks that when she says that; "she hates being a mom," it comes across as funny and relatable. It just makes Tess sound like a sociopath. Tess has two beautiful healthy sons. Tess should be grateful for that.

She thinks she's so quirky. Had she said "It's sometimes over whelming and hard, but totally worth it" or something like that, it would be a completely different vibe.

 

[blue gopher snakes]

Is she saying anything on her Insta or Twitter about the podcast’s reception?

 

[TurdFondler]

You guys ever watch Meet the Feebles? There's a muppet doppelganger for Tess, Heidi the hippo. There's even a scene where Heidi eats an entire bakery worth of cakes.

 

[Cheesegirl78]

I love how Tess is getting negative feedback on her podcast, the commenters aren't holding back.

 

[fuzzdew]

This is so entertaining!

Spoiler: Comments

 

[BIG DADDY]

Two thots so far:

Nadia looks like she tried to dress for the theme, her cardigan kinda looks like a bathrobe edit: apparently it’s actually a bathrobe, so why is Tess wearing athleisure?

Tess’s voice sounds like she’s trying to parody the faggiest gay man you’ve ever heard. I’ve never heard anyone over the age of 23 who talks like that

 

[Putin Bot]

You know, I am so glad that Tess was too old for that trash show "Teen Moms", because she honestly would have been a perfect candidate for it. White trash? Check. Making her mother raise her child? Check. Spending all the money she made on the show on herself? Check. Thinking her "fame" would last forever? Check. Eventually having to resort to porn and/or prostitute herself out to keep up with the lifestyle she became accustomed to? Check! Constantly exposing her child to a revolving door of strangers who don't give a shit about them? Check! Regretting being a mother after she's just a washed up hasbeen? CHECK!!

I feel for Bowie and Rylee, but especially for Bowie, since he's still in Tess's care and is so developmentally behind for a child his age. You'd think that Tess being such the rich super model would be able to afford a fucking nanny/babysitter for Bowie. But that would mean she couldn't spend all her money on herself, which is unthinkable!!

Sorry for the rant, but goddamn "I wish I wasn't a mom" really ticked me off. It's not your kids fault that you were too stupid to use birth control, or thought that by getting knocked up meant the father would forever be tethered to you, or would have to pay child support while you did nothing you fat fucking lazy useless hamplanet.

 

[Constellationzero]

This is so entertaining!

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Spoiler: Comments

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Now THIS is the cancelling I came to see! About fucking time!

 

[Trombonista]

You guys ever watch Meet the Feebles? There's a muppet doppelganger for Tess, Heidi the hippo. There's even a scene where Heidi eats an entire bakery worth of cakes.
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Too skinny.

I'm not entirely joking.

 

[Cynar]

Regarding her podcast: over on twitter there's the scattered "yass queen," and this sad bit of wishful thinking



and her instagram ofc is ass-kissing all the way.
Meanwhile, on the channel for the podcast which is not controlled by Tess, the YouTube ratio is currently 47/96. Whether or not Tess is seething at the lack of interns spamming clown emojis at the haydurs remains to be seen.

For now, here are a few scraps-

First, I don't think we have adequately dragged (pun intended) this terrible promo photo.

I mean, the photographer did fine, but it is NOT on brand for Tess. She's still trying to project "fat Kardashian, aspirational SJW bad sexy bitch." Imo this photo says "50 y/o once-legendary drag queen half-brother of John Lovitz dies of massive cocaine and hamburger induced heart attack in Queens studio apartment. In lieu of flowers please send donations to the Trevor Project" (Ok but now I'm sad because Ryan Lovitz actually sounds lovely)


Second, this is vintage, but here's Nick back in the day talking shit about having children. Right around the time he married a woman with a son. Oh, and just openly admitting their "marriage" was for legal reasons. I hope his lawyer bitch-slapped him for that one lol



Friendly reminder that Tess went on to have a child with this piece of trash. These poor children, both their parents openly hate....well, being parents. I need Parents magazine to hold my hand and explain to me real slowly why the hell this woman was in their rag.

Finally here's Tess looking like a gottdam greaseball again. She just cannot be helped

 

[Water-T]

Regarding her podcast: over on twitter there's the scattered "yass queen," and this sad bit of wishful thinking

View attachment 1973331

and her instagram ofc is ass-kissing all the way.
Meanwhile, on the channel for the podcast which is not controlled by Tess, the YouTube ratio is currently 47/96. Whether or not Tess is seething at the lack of interns spamming clown emojis at the haydurs remains to be seen.

For now, here are a few scraps-

First, I don't think we have adequately dragged (pun intended) this terrible promo photo.
View attachment 1973338
I mean, the photographer did fine, but it is NOT on brand for Tess. She's still trying to project "fat Kardashian, aspirational SJW bad sexy bitch." Imo this photo says "50 y/o once-legendary drag queen half-brother of John Lovitz dies of massive cocaine and hamburger induced heart attack in Queens studio apartment. In lieu of flowers please send donations to the Trevor Project" (Ok but now I'm sad because Ryan Lovitz actually sounds lovely)
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Second, this is vintage, but here's Nick back in the day talking shit about having children. Right around the time he married a woman with a son. Oh, and just openly admitting their "marriage" was for legal reasons. I hope his lawyer bitch-slapped him for that one lol

View attachment 1973353

Friendly reminder that Tess went on to have a child with this piece of trash. These poor children, both their parents openly hate....well, being parents. I need Parents magazine to hold my hand and explain to me real slowly why the hell this woman was in their rag.

Finally here's Tess looking like a gottdam greaseball again. She just cannot be helped
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ProTip for Tess: just because you get turned on by saturated fats doesn't mean everyone else does. Please stop looking like you moisturize with fistfuls of Crisco.

 

[Refrigerator Poet]

The sensory disorder thing makes no sense. As far as I’m aware, Tess is fine being at loud parties and seems to not care at all about the texture or taste of her food beyond what normal people think. Even beyond the sensory aspect, she seems to be fine at making eye contact with people (not too much or too little) and I doubt her obsessions are autism level. Autists I know will end up concentrating on things to a point that they’ll forget to eat and sleep, as well as practice basic hygiene. Looking at her, I see no symptoms of autism. If she does have anything, she just has a chronic condition of fat narcissist like Kelly Lenza.

Not that this applies to Tess since she goes out to buy cakes every time you turn around, but I would imagine that coming out of legit lockdown will be agonizing for true autists and people with real sensory disorders. They’ve been mostly in a bubble where they can control their surroundings for a year. Imagine going back to an office full of people after that.

If this continues with every episode, how fast you guys think they’ll drop her?

Idk, the dude from Sword & Scale mainly just plays YouTube audio and yells at people on Twitter, and this network hasn’t dropped him yet. They may give her plenty of rope.

 

[Barbarella]

Tess dislikes and neglects her kids. She's hasn't hidden the fact that she doesn't want to be a mother. It's shameful. All mothers complain about the duties from time to time but it's obvious they love the reason they do what they do. She doesn’t, to the point that she wonders if her friends dog is as annoying as her son. That’s pure lunacy.

Plus, they are being neglected by a broke deathfat who is one day going go need them to do personal duties and household chores. That day is coming fast too, with her failures repeating themselves and decadent, high calorie food being her addiction.

Her oldest child will escape-already has- but Bowie seems to be in for an incredibly sad life. I don't see much of a way out for this kid, as mom will make sure college is off the table and as she manipulates him to stay. He’ll have to be very strong to bug out on his ”needy” mom and had has no male role models or help. I predict a sad life for him at least until ”Mother” dies, and then he’ll be 20s or 30s and unprepared. Maybe fat himself.

I hope I'm wrong and Tess doesn't have the foresight to see what's coming, so sends him to gradmas. If granny fights and he wants to stay at 13, he won't have to go back; a normal old woman is better than Tess.

Tess’s podcast is doing abysmally on YouTube, but are there download or listenability stats? I'm curious to know if she can turn her two million followers into at least a few hundred thousand listeners. If not, her bubble is cracking in a way she won't recover from. It's not about followers, it's engagement and I think we’re about to discover people subbed during EYBS days and lost interest, but never unsubbed.

Would like nothing more than to be wrong about the Bowie stuff, but I have doubts. Time will tell.

 

[AbraCadaver]

I doubt Tess can turn her “millions” of followers into listeners. Feeders don’t give a fuck what a fat woman wants to talk about, and the loads of similarly fat women who keep Tess on their feed do so because they want to see another giant woman LIVING THE GLAMOUR LIFE and feel better about themselves. None of them care about Tess’ opinions on motherhood or social media or cis men.

If she did a podcast all about how being obese is amazing and she’s living her best life and HAAAAEEES!!!, she might pull some of her normal big girl crowd in, because they eat that up. But they don’t care what other opinions she has.

Tess needs to learn the very important distinction between instagram followers and actual supporters who find you interesting and are willing to give you money. Generally speaking, just trying to turn a million casual followers into a thousand paying customers is HARD. Following Tess on instagram is free, fast and easy, with the click of a button. Shelling out real earned money for overpriced barrettes and tacky fitness clothes is pricy and takes effort.

She has millions of followers, but her ETBS capsule collection bombed so fucking hard that Hiroshima cringed. Those big fat girls yelling “YASSSSSSS QUEEEEEEN THIS IS THE CLOTHING CONTENT I WANT TO SEEEE!!” didn’t actually buy said clothing. They just want to see it, or rather they just want to see the oversized women modeling it because REPRESENTATION and validation.

And no feeder would buy that tatty junk, obvs.

Tess doesn’t seem to get that her followers are made up up of two distinct categories: feeders looking to wank to her pics and ordinary obese women using her to normalize their condition in their minds and feel okay about themselves.

No matter what kind of supportive comments they leave, neither of these groups is following her for style tips or product recommendations. Neither group cares about her opinions on parenthood. Neither of these groups wants to spend money on her ugly niche wardrobe capsule. She is trying to sell them things they don’t want. The feeders want wank material. The fat women want free daily validation. Tess is bad at business.

 

[FinnaBinna]

If Tess didn’t have kids I could totally see her as being one of those child free maniacs that can’t stop talking about not ever wanting kids because they are the spawn of demons. Because it would be yet ANOTHER personality “trait” she could add to her bio. I do think that there are some child free people that don’t scream to the winds about it because they themselves know that they wouldn’t be a good parent. Not because “oh I’m so edgy and cool cuz I don’t ever want kids!!!” She would totally be in the latter category. Tessy has never understood that shit talking to be TRY to be cool makes her look like a flaming crackling arrogant bitch. Which she IS. YouTube is merciless. Which is why she stopped updating her personal one years ago.
I truly feel bad for her sons. Especially Rylee. She used to throw parties for his birthday and seemed to go all out when he was a kid. It seemed genuine at the time. He’s getting older and as his mind grows I think all the shit Tess exposed him to in his young life will start becoming clearer. So hopefully he can get away and become a level headed adult. Chances aren’t that great for Bowie though. ;(
I think I said before that she could stop sitting on her ass and do other things to stay relevant. When she was bitching about her engagement sucking. I think I said she could do a podcast but, now that she has. I think it’s funny that everything she does becomes a fiasco. She’s a 2015 face that lasted till the shadows of 2018. The glory days are over.

 

[Fìddlesticks]

I got curious as to Tess' weight. So I had a quick search engine and well... here are some interesting finds on the first search page. I searched. How much does Tess Holliday

Someone started a petition!


My favourite bit perfectly summed up


First hit on the page- healthymodels and the comments are a great mix of lol you are fat and I don't want to have sex with you. ALR - I am a torrid size 2 slamdunk and Tess is a fat bitch.


A few size and measurements- check the ALR 52 b bra size on one of them



Please enjoy the interesting facts section which reads something like I spy my little eye with a retard. I cannot believe they couldn't come up with anything else. Tess is literally that boring.

 

[FeatherPlucker]

I got curious as to Tess' weight. So I had a quick search engine and well... here are some interesting finds on the first search page. I searched. How much does Tess Holliday

Someone started a petition!
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My favourite bit perfectly summed up
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First hit on the page- healthymodels and the comments are a great mix of lol you are fat and I don't want to have sex with you. ALR - I am a torrid size 2 slamdunk and Tess is a fat bitch.
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A few size and measurements- check the ALR 52 b bra size on one of them
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Please enjoy the interesting facts section which reads something like I spy my little eye with a retard. I cannot believe they couldn't come up with anything else. Tess is literally that boring.

Size 8 feet my ass.
Seriously, size 8 feet (US) on a woman who's 5'5" is pretty small to average. Adding all that weight and two pregnancies will make a woman go up a at least one size --probably two in terms of shoe size. There's no way she had size six feet to begin with.

 

[George Floyd Sneed]

Looks like the countdown timer has started for Tess declaring that she had to ship her children off to live with granny, because something something better school system, something something her celebrity life too chaotic for their developing minds and need for structure.

She is SO ready to get rid of them now that Jolene is no longer her live-in unpaid nanny and Olly clearly doesn’t want the job. Olly is, at best, on board for a few trips to the zoo, not dressing, feeding and babysitting all day.

Bowie is also getting older and dangerously close to wanting to maybe start developing into a separate entity from Tess, a small person with his own wants and opinions who doesn’t just parrot back what mummy tells him to say for Instagram vid.

Malignant narcissist mothers can’t tolerate the idea of their children trying to transition from cute accessory to actual individual person who doesn’t agree with them on things, has their own likes or dislikes and wants to assert what little independence they have.

And I’m sure Tess is VERY frustrated she can’t accept johns at her house. No feeder wants to come over to fatten up his prize piggy with cakes when there’s a child running around, ruining the fantasy. Driving to the Madonna Inn every other week to earn a paycheck for moddling giant lingerie and then rubbing chocolate icing on her folds as lube is a real time-consuming task.

Bowie, good luck at your grandmother’s, where you will probably be living within the next two years. Hopefully that will provide you with a more stable life, away from your narc mother who has dumped her children on granny before and will gladly do it again, because she’s Parent of the Year.

It definitely helps put a lot of things in context. I truly believe Tubby Tess tried offloading her kids onto her mom over Thanksgiving. That was why Jolene came down as it was Tess’s attempt at some kind of farewell party. Then Tess pretended to be struggling as a mom so her mother cleaned Tubby’s apartment instead. Then they went to Mississippi where Tess shed tears of crisco about her needing time away from the kids and when the answer was no, she tried raiding her family for valuable heirlooms (didn’t find any). Then it was weeks before she shared anything about her kids, not out of their wishes but because she was mad at them for not allowing her to live her best life.

The producers of her podcast likely insisted that her pod be uploaded to a separate channel because they own and have a financial stake in it, and it's easier for the accountants to do their job that way. It also makes it easier to get a clear picture of how many followers and views it gets, as well as have an intern clean up the comment section.

She's off to a really terrible start, and things aren't likely to improve. I don't know how many episodes she's got in the can already, but I see it lasting for no more than 4-6 episodes before they pull the plug. The studio time, the sound engineer, any expenses for guests, an editor, support staff, publicity/advertising--on top of whatever she may be getting paid per episode (there will be no residuals)--all adds up, and this hot mess will just lose money.

I agree. Tubby is also going to be gauged on how often her “fans” click on links to advertisers and buy products. Also Tess is going to have as much willpower to stay on a regular schedule as she does diets and exercise regimens so it’s questionable how long she will just accuse kantmedia of being abusers and gaslighters for wanting her to stick to a schedule. I give it five episodes done over the course of several weeks.

 

[AbraCadaver]

Tess trying and failing to offload her kids onto granny during the holiday makes a hell of a lot of sense. Why have her mother fly all the way out there? To shepherd the children back, of course. When that didn’t work, Tess flew out to her ancestral hog farm to make another plea for freedom from her own life choices and was told no.

What’s the suspected timeline for her first getting a feeder/sugar daddy? When did she get the new furnished and paid apartment? I forget. Would be interesting if her sugar daddy insinuated he didn’t want the kids around full time and she promised to get rid of them with gran, but was unable to come through on that.

It definitely helps put a lot of things in context. I truly believe Tubby Tess tried offloading her kids onto her mom over Thanksgiving. That was why Jolene came down as it was Tess’s attempt at some kind of farewell party. Then Tess pretended to be struggling as a mom so her mother cleaned Tubby’s apartment instead. Then they went to Mississippi where Tess shed tears of crisco about her needing time away from the kids and when the answer was no, she tried raiding her family for valuable heirlooms (didn’t find any). Then it was weeks before she shared anything about her kids, not out of their wishes but because she was mad at them for not allowing her to live her best life.


I agree. Tubby is also going to be gauged on how often her “fans” click on links to advertisers and buy products. Also Tess is going to have as much willpower to stay on a regular schedule as she does diets and exercise regimens so it’s questionable how long she will just accuse kantmedia of being abusers and gaslighters for wanting her to stick to a schedule. I give it five episodes done over the course of several weeks.