Opinion Women who 'settled' for partners who weren't 'the one' reveal what it's REALLY like to be in an unfulfilling relationship with a 'good person' - REDDIT MOMENT

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Women who have admittedly 'settled' for partners who weren't 'the one' have opened up about what life is like in an unfulfilled relationship — but some insist they don't have any regrets.

The thought-provoking responses were shared in a now-viral Reddit thread after u/violetshug asked women who ended up with 'good' people they aren't head-over-heels in love with to share how their relationships are going.

The stories range from women who are getting divorced after years of unhappiness to those who are now fully in love with their partners and everything in between.

'Twenty years of marriage and three kids later, we are very good partners and make a great team. However, I am somewhat sad about how little we have in common outside of that,' one person wrote.

Another woman who has been married to her partner for five years and with him for a total of 16, admitted that 'it isn't always easy.'

'We’re in a rough spot and it’s easy after every issue to think, "I knew I never should have stayed with him,"' she explained. 'Sometimes I wonder if I’m being a coward...

'My husband adores me and is a good man but does not fulfill me intellectually, is emotionally immature, and we are on different planets of sexual desire. It’s a struggle but it’s not a nightmare.'

Someone else who has been married for 28 years said she couldn't be happier.

'We have had our ups and downs, but to be honest, he was the one — I just didn't know it at the time,' she said. 'Sometimes "the one" is an ideal based on youthful priorities, but with maturity, you realize some of those qualities aren't as important anymore...

'I might add too, that I ran into "the one" again a few years back. Was not impressed, and I think I made a good escape there!'

However, not everyone has been that lucky in their relationships over the years.

'It's sad and boring, but safe,' one Reddit user shared. 'I do miss "the one" sometimes, but we're just friends and we could never be more than that. It's either this or total solitude so at least I have a companion, sex and someone truly loves me. Or course I would give my right arm to have my true love, but here we are.'

Many of the women who commented in the thread said they love their partners but aren't in love with them.

'It’s going. I know it’s not right, but he is a good person,' one mom wrote. 'Sometimes I want so much more. Right now, it would cost me so much to leave, and I do have love for him. Our children have a great support system between us, and we live a decent life.'

Another explained that she chose her husband because he 'meets a lot' of her needs and she loves him for who he is.

'He’s not a GQ model, he’s not rich, and yes, sometimes he bugs the crap out of me,' she added. 'But I chose him. And I chose to love him for who he is rather than hold out for the idea of "the one."'

Others opened up about their divorces, insisting that life is too short to stay with someone you don't love.

'Finally ended it just under three years ago, after a decade of on and off. Now living a happy life with someone, who is definitely the one,' one person wrote.

Someone else said she and her partner divorced because their values didn't match.

'We married and had kids too young. Been single two years and I've literally fallen in love [with] myself!' she said. 'Better to be happy and alone than lonely and married.'

'I ended my six-year relationship (married for three) last year and it was the best decision I ever made,' another woman agreed. 'I didn’t see how uncolorful it was until I was out of it.'

 

[Dyn]

If you're not happy in your relationship just have an affair. If he works fulltime it's not like he's going to find out.

 

[jje100010001]

Fundamentally marriage is about not letting the perfect get in the way of the good. It's always been this way throughout nearly all of human history.

Yes, you can always "do better", but those odds are infinitesimally small (for all that matters, Mr. Perfect might be half-way across the world), and guess what?

Tick-tock the biological clock winds down- meaning those odds often grow even smaller with age, and that there are only so many people that you can develop relationships with during that period of time- if you really do want to be married.

Agreed. However thanks to the low value of a bachelors degree, there’s a lot of chicks who do something like English literature and end up doing temp work or a barista gig and don’t make a living wage. Of course she resents any blue collar guy who makes more than her but doesn’t have a four year degree.


Deep down most girls are still traditional. Most surveys that come out wish they married younger, had more kids, and/or work part time to focus on their kids. I don’t begrudge any woman for wanting to be more traditional. She’s an OnlyFans thot, sure, but thats just as much of an aberration of humanity as it is for them to make PowerPoints for Human Resources for a living too.

I think this is true across nearly every society, but much of society nowadays largely lacks role models for that. Things like the celebrity date scene, mass media, and unmarried politicians advance the concept of holding off for the 'perfect one'. If they're unmarried and successful, why not you as well? Eventually, everyone in your circle who isn't married outnumber the ones who are (true in my circles), and the societal pressure disappears completely.

Same with perceptions of blue collar work. Uni = success. The fact that reality has moved past this perception is a real issue in the current cultural zeitgeist.

 

[Solid Snek]

Of course, Lucius's wife is fucking around on him behind his back as she's saying this to her daughter. Not quite so based.

But then she does the honorable thing and kills herself before he decides whether to kill her for the betrayal (his right as a Roman husband to an unfaithful wife), so we return to based.

We cannot always live a perfectly based life; it is a goal that we must aspire to. Every day, we must strive to be a baseder person than we were before.

 

[The best and greatest]

I love a happy ending.

Oh kinda but not really. I wont go into details but he's dead now.

 

[soy_king]

I was talking about your mom. She's sad her dead-end marriage produced nothing but a retard son with crippling autism

Wow, a your mom joke. You truly are stuck in the 90's.

 

[Hollywood Hulk Hogan]

Wow, a your mom joke. You truly are stuck in the 90's.

Sorry that your mom is ashamed of her retard son so she confides in me after we bang

 

[Zero Day Defense]

I think most of those women have warped perceptions on how love works. It isn't like in the big movies where Person A sees Person B and fall immediately in love. Love is something that grows over time and nothing you go shopping for like a pair of shoes.

Spoiler: this might be spregging | food analogy incomeing

I always like to use a metaphor for relationships from platonic to romantic. Every relationship is like an ice cream sundae. In every relationship, no matter the kind, you need a solid foundation: the sundae dish. Then you but in effort to build the relationship: the ice cream, ideally of different yet harmonic flavors. At this point you've a solid friendship. For best friends you put on whipped cream. At this point you've a solid platonic relationship (and a good ice cream sundae) but if you wan't to get into the romantic field just put a cherry on top.
Romance should always be the final point of consideration and not the very first considering long terme relationships. After all, you can have ice cream without a cherry on top but just the cherry is never enough.

Edited because I missed a word

If you want a romance, you sweep the sundae dish off the table and order a steak politely but firmly, because what you're hankering for is fundamentally different past the shared property of being "food".

What you suggest, 9/10 times, is how you get malformed friendships that take on the form of a friendship but have the mechanics of an intimate relationship (sometimes with less physical intimacy, since nobody has yet thought to cross that bridge) only for them to dissolve like a friendship with someone of the opposite sex but with the baggage of an intimate relationship. Alternatively, it's putting you in a position where you unnecessarily expend a no small amount of resources for someone who won't appreciate that sacrifice in the way you want them to.

Sexual intrigue in a friendship is at best a fundamental redefiner therein and at worst an albatross hung from its neck, especially because it isn't addressed by the time it starts to become a problem. If you want to be friends, be friends. If you develop sexual interest, make and commit to a choice to be friends or pursue deeper intimacy with said person. At all times, be aware of what you're importing into a relationship and be deliberate in what you do. It's substantially better to have the basis of your relationship be that you want to pursue intimacy with them, when you're already aware of those feelings.

 

[DoNotReadTheFinePrint]

If you want a romance, you sweep the sundae dish off the table and order a steak politely but firmly, because what you're hankering for is fundamentally different past the shared property of being "food".

What you suggest, 9/10 times, is how you get malformed friendships that take on the form of a friendship but have the mechanics of an intimate relationship (sometimes with less physical intimacy, since nobody has yet thought to cross that bridge) only for them to dissolve like a friendship with someone of the opposite sex but with the baggage of an intimate relationship. Alternatively, it's putting you in a position where you unnecessarily expend a no small amount of resources for someone who won't appreciate that sacrifice in the way you want them to.

Sexual intrigue in a friendship is at best a fundamental redefiner therein and at worst an albatross hung from its neck, especially because it isn't addressed by the time it starts to become a problem. If you want to be friends, be friends. If you develop sexual interest, make and commit to a choice to be friends or pursue deeper intimacy with said person. At all times, be aware of what you're importing into a relationship and be deliberate in what you do. It's substantially better to have the basis of your relationship be that you want to pursue intimacy with them, when you're already aware of those feelings.

My metaphor was made with the sexual attraction only playing a role in the cherry, so to speak, sorry I wasn't clear about that.
As for your comment, I actually agree with you. A friendship with one-sided sexual attraction is a recipe for disaster.

 

[Agent Abe Caprine]

Some of these don't seem unfulfilling at all. Pretty comfy, in fact. Especially the ones who have been married for nearly two decades.

'He’s not a GQ model, he’s not rich, and yes, sometimes he bugs the crap out of me,' she added. 'But I chose him. And I chose to love him for who he is rather than hold out for the idea of "the one."'

That guy sounds like he is the one.

 

[SITHRAK!]

Aside: very odd how Archie was depicted as a right-winger when he fit the "lifeling union Democrat" stereotype to the T.

Only difference is that Democrats beat their wives but claim they don't. Archie threatened to beat his wife but didn't.

 

[Tar]

It's the gender roles that feminists pretend they don't want. Women want providers, and if their guy isn't doing that, she isn't going to respect them. Which makes me wonder what all these women's partners would have to say about the same situation. I wonder if the guys regret "just settling" as well. Of course that would be sexist.

What if I want a provider? I have female psychology. I'm bi, so I just find a guy to be the boywife of, right?

 

[the clap]

If you're wondering if the person you're with is 'the one' ask them to lick your ass next time you're intimate. If they say no they aren't 'the one.' If they say yes then they might be 'the one' and even if they're not, you can always hold over them that they licked your ass.
-modified advice from Mick Foley

 

[Chicken Neck Nelly]

Wow, a your mom joke. You truly are stuck in the 90's.

Sorry that your mom is ashamed of her retard son so she confides in me after we bang

Why don't you guys just fuck and get it over with? You can get some more points too that way by meeting a fellow Kiwi in real life!

 

[TheBest]

Sounds like they set too high expectations for themselves and are disappointed when reality smacked them across the face.

 

[Basketball Jones]

I've spent pretty much my entire life terrified that I'd end up in this kind of relationship (as a dude). Where even if I somehow managed to get a girl, I would be afraid that she was basically just settling for me as "better than nothing, I guess". I had hoped I was just being paranoid.

And yet here we are.

...That...actually made me sad holyshit.

Read it to my bf and he agreed, stating that he had the same fear for years . I asked if it was a common fear for guys and he seems to think it is (romantic academics please respond).

I like how most of these women never stopped to consider that they were the ones that were settled for. Like, the idea that the guy thought, “yeah she’s not Mrs Right, but she’ll do right now” just never occurred to them.

I forgot this song existed until today lol

 

[Lord of the Large Pants]

...That...actually made me sad holyshit.

Read it to my bf and he agreed, stating that he had the same fear for years . I asked if it was a common fear for guys and he seems to think it is (romantic academics please respond).

I like how most of these women never stopped to consider that they were the ones that were settled for. Like, the idea that the guy thought, “yeah she’s not Mrs Right, but she’ll do right now” just never occurred to them.

I forgot this song existed until today lol

For what it's worth, my dad had the same fear, even after being married to my mom for 30 years. He didn't get over it until he had a medical event where he almost died, needed medium-term care, and mom still didn't leave him.

So hey, maybe I'll meet a girl and get over it someday too! UNWARRANTED OPTIMISM, YEAH!