Tess Holliday / Ryann Maegen Hoven - Beached Landwhale model, Body positive and social justice snacktivist, and gigantic fraud

[NoReturn]

Ah yes, the Esprit bag. And anything you could purchase at the Esprit store (not from the junior section at Marshall Field). Now you can't even GET Esprit in this country anymore
Other big brands: JNCO, Z. Cavaricci, BUM, Hypercolor, Benetton, Guess, Bebe, shit from Miller's Outpost. By the time I was in high school, the thing to do was visit your Banana Republic and purchase and consoom much product. The one in Bal Harbour was a great one to shop from. Another big thing to wear were Big Johnson shirts and Ron Jon or Salty Dog. In my high school days...if you had any Quicksilver or Roxy or even a Sex Wax sticker, that meant you and your family went to all the good places for vacation or business.

But Ryann I can see actually visiting the Flying J or the QT and slanging some cheap ass Chinese ass ugly Louis Vuitton knockoff before finding that Balenciaga bag. She must've figured no one would be impressed with a Michael Kors or a Dooney & Bourke or a Coach (even if she paid 1,000$).
And I definitely can see her down at the flea markets on a Saturday searching for a highly flammable and poorly rendered knockoff something in Gucci or Hermes or whatever is accepted these days as ghetto fabulous.

Where is this bag you guys keep mentioning? I'm shit at recognizing brands.
Editing to add this:

AHHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

[multiverse]

Where is this bag you guys keep mentioning? I'm shit at recognizing brands.

 

[yousoundlikeanasshole]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=luD6qnMc5Bc THe latest podcast with Laura Prepon.

 

[Diet Coke 4 Life]

That slimming filter is so fucking confused. Watching her neck change dimensions with her movements only to finally settle on this is lovely.

Tess, we can tell you’re using filters. Necks don’t work this way.

Sorry, I cannot do an in-depth dive with GIMP. Mobile-fagging right now.

 

[multiverse]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=luD6qnMc5Bc THe latest podcast with Laura Prepon.

Man, if she's down to the Scientologists, she's really fucking desperate.

 

[Flawmil]

I’m guessing this video is a troll? They can’t be serious. watch if you want to see Tess pretend likes she’s into high fashion. Of course it’s bags because none of these brands cater near to her size but she still stans them for some reason.

 

[Crepidodera fulvicornis]

Man, if she's down to the Scientologists, she's really fucking desperate.

Is this person a Scientologist? Oh, man.
Oh, man, that's super bad; she’d better to promote obesity than this.
How does this one change the world? Ain't this a premise for the whole show?

No hooves again, someone’s self-conscious? And description still asks for listeners' input, so it's not the final episode; well, the following expected number is 15, we'll see.

I'll buy top five fat liberation/haes/fat’n’proud themed books if Tess gets the second season of this shit.

 

[Internet's Boyfriend]

More black girl larping as she shows her ~natural texture~ off. So ethnic!
View attachment 2177792

I'm late but the whole ~natural texture~ bullshit infuriates me on another level.

Like, we've seen pictures of Tess when she was younger and her hair was straight. Is she expecting us to believe she's been straighten her hair for practically her entire life? And she always has like one or two posts of her embracing her "natural texture" between dozens of posts of her with straight hair. She's not even fucking consistent about it.

Also Tess bitches about fucking everything. So where are the posts complaining about frizz? Or how dry curly hair is? Or how hard it is to style or care for? Why hasn't she posted her Curly Girl routine? Or gotten The Big Chop and cut all the gross, heat-damaged hair off for a fresh start on her curl journey? Where are the jokes about how styling her hair involves 1) Getting it wet and 2) Praying to God that it turns out nicely?

Like shit, it sucks that she thinks straight hair is boring or whatever it is that motivates her to pretend she has curly hair but life's tough, Tess. Learn to fucking deal with it.

 

[Clotso Coof]

View attachment 2188238
That slimming filter is so fucking confused. Watching her neck change dimensions with her movements only to finally settle on this is lovely.

Tess, we can tell you’re using filters. Necks don’t work this way.

Sorry, I cannot do an in-depth dive with GIMP. Mobile-fagging right now.

Does she think her lips look good blown up like double blimps? She looks like a really fat fish.

Is this person a Scientologist? Oh, man.
Oh, man, that's super bad; she’d better to promote obesity than this.
How does this one change the world? Ain't this a premise for the whole show?

Maybe Tess can change the world by farting her Thetans on a cake?

 

[SnarkySperg]

I’m guessing this video is a troll? They can’t be serious. watch if you want to see Tess pretend likes she’s into high fashion. Of course it’s bags because none of these brands cater near to her size but she still stans them for some reason.

Wow, I couldn't help but notice when she was carrying that Louis Vuitton graduate jokes bag that she couldn't fit it past her wrist. That's the kind of purse I could easily carry to elbow length, if not shoulder length (hard to tell, she's terrible to use as scale). She can't even get past her lower arm.

 

[AbraCadaver]

I'm late but the whole ~natural texture~ bullshit infuriates me on another level.

Like, we've seen pictures of Tess when she was younger and her hair was straight. Is she expecting us to believe she's been straighten her hair for practically her entire life? And she always has like one or two posts of her embracing her "natural texture" between dozens of posts of her with straight hair. She's not even fucking consistent about it.

Also Tess bitches about fucking everything. So where are the posts complaining about frizz? Or how dry curly hair is? Or how hard it is to style or care for? Why hasn't she posted her Curly Girl routine? Or gotten The Big Chop and cut all the gross, heat-damaged hair off for a fresh start on her curl journey? Where are the jokes about how styling her hair involves 1) Getting it wet and 2) Praying to God that it turns out nicely?

Like shit, it sucks that she thinks straight hair is boring or whatever it is that motivates her to pretend she has curly hair but life's tough, Tess. Learn to fucking deal with it.

Here’s the answer:

Tess wants to sound black. Because unlike being queeeerrr, she can’t just tell people she’s a POC.

Whenever Tess goes thru her periods of @ing all her incredible POC besties who never @ her back...there’s always this slight undercurrent of her being pissed off she can’t claim the same status for woke points.

She took a bit of a run at 1/64th Cherokee Princess, but that got nowhere.

She tried being OMG SO KAWEEEEEEEEER and that was easier, as she wasn’t expected to prove it.

She tried to get Non-Binolly to be her queer beard, but no dice.

Finally, she threw her hooves into the anorexia pool and we all know how that’s turning out.

Tess seethes a non-zero amount of times every day over the fact she can’t fully appropriate black culture and call everyone Skinny White Bitches, then embrace entirely the worst stereotypes by bragging about how she so thick, how she auto-wins all arguments with white people, how her natural toxic personality is SO SASSY BLACK WOMAN.

You know, embarrass all black people merely by association, the same way she reflects on anyone else who has any dealings with her.

 

[bloomingcactus]

Editing to add this:
View attachment 2187918
AHHAHAHAHAHAHA

You think by now she'd realize that real models don't eyefuck the camera. Should someone tell her?

 

[NoReturn]

I'm late but the whole ~natural texture~ bullshit infuriates me on another level.

Like, we've seen pictures of Tess when she was younger and her hair was straight. Is she expecting us to believe she's been straighten her hair for practically her entire life? And she always has like one or two posts of her embracing her "natural texture" between dozens of posts of her with straight hair. She's not even fucking consistent about it.

Also Tess bitches about fucking everything. So where are the posts complaining about frizz? Or how dry curly hair is? Or how hard it is to style or care for? Why hasn't she posted her Curly Girl routine? Or gotten The Big Chop and cut all the gross, heat-damaged hair off for a fresh start on her curl journey? Where are the jokes about how styling her hair involves 1) Getting it wet and 2) Praying to God that it turns out nicely?

Like shit, it sucks that she thinks straight hair is boring or whatever it is that motivates her to pretend she has curly hair but life's tough, Tess. Learn to fucking deal with it.

What's so bad about straight hair anyway? "Fuck your beauty standards", right? Body positivity, right? Aren't you supposed to be proud of whatever you are?
Bah, foolish me expecting consistency.

 

[CobraPlissken]

What's so bad about straight hair anyway? "Fuck your beauty standards", right? Body positivity, right? Aren't you supposed to be proud of whatever you are?
Bah, foolish me expecting consistency.

Straight hair is a white thing (nevermind the Asians, they're also white when it's convenient), and whites are supposed to hate themselves. Body positivity is also only for female white deathfats and fat (not necessarily morbidly obese) POCs if they're either women or men who say they aren't men (trannies and enbies). Everyone else has to be ashamed of themselves.

 

[Flawmil]

There’s a tiktok trend where women are finding out their “natural hair texture” after putting in a shit load of different products and drying their hair in t shirts then crunching it. Pretty sure where this all came about. Tess has been moving to tiktok as of late because it’s where she has been getting the least amount of hate on social media. The gen zs don’t know who she is so it’s an echo chamber of YASSS QWEEENNN for her.

 

[Honeycrispsky]

There’s a tiktok trend where women are finding out their “natural hair texture” after putting in a shit load of different products and drying their hair in t shirts then crunching it. Pretty sure where this all came about. Tess has been moving to tiktok as of late because it’s where she has been getting the least amount of hate on social media. The gen zs don’t know who she is so it’s an echo chamber of YASSS QWEEENNN for her.

...how is it natural texture if it takes a load of products and techniques to achieve??? Am I just a retard?
Also for Tess specifically, it's not natural texture if it's fried and dyed to hell and back. Words mean nothing anymore and I hate it here.

 

[Gay Mouth]

Loved that purse video. Admits the whole time that she’s poor trash gooning over being able to attain status. Grins like a gleeful piggy when handing over her show-provided plastic for a $6k purchase. Very glam weightloss arm shots in there too, the folds are collapsing into curtains.

 

[melty]

...how is it natural texture if it takes a load of products and techniques to achieve??? Am I just a retard?
Also for Tess specifically, it's not natural texture if it's fried and dyed to hell and back. Words mean nothing anymore and I hate it here.

No, that's a really good point. That's consumerism for you I guess. Discover your "natural" hair by switching all your current hair products over to different products. Here's an article about it:

https://www.glamourmagazine.co.uk/article/tiktok-naturally-curly-hair-tips

Here's another where they literally say

The fact of the matter is that people with curly hair do need a stockpile of products on hand.

Your Ultimate Guide to the Best Curly Hair Products for Your Hair Type

Never dread wash days again.

www.goodhousekeeping.com

Don't ask questions! Consoom product to be more natural!

I guess it's something that started with good intentions like don't use harmful chemicals, but it's been corrupted and now you can buy all sorts of expensive curly girl marketed products.

 

[Angry New Ager]

I'm late but the whole ~natural texture~ bullshit infuriates me on another level.

Like, we've seen pictures of Tess when she was younger and her hair was straight. Is she expecting us to believe she's been straighten her hair for practically her entire life? And she always has like one or two posts of her embracing her "natural texture" between dozens of posts of her with straight hair. She's not even fucking consistent about it.

Yeah, her "natural texture" is definitely straight. That kind of loose curl is what you get when you've had your hair twisted up in a messy bun and first let it down. Depending upon your hair, it may stay wavy like that--or look totally lank 15 minutes later (not that I'm bitter or anything).

Tess lies. That's just a given. She lies about the stupidest shit, just to get attention.

At every family reunion, there's always going to be the one child--usually around 8-10 years old, and more than likely a girl--who goes around telling absolute whoppers in order to get attention from the grown-ups and impress the other kids. Most will outgrow it eventually--usually after at least one humiliating episode where they get called on it--but Tess is still that fucking kid.

 

[Flawmil]

...how is it natural texture if it takes a load of products and techniques to achieve??? Am I just a retard?
Also for Tess specifically, it's not natural texture if it's fried and dyed to hell and back. Words mean nothing anymore and I hate it here.

It’s not. It’s considered heatless curls. Next she will be saying the freckles she draws on over top the globs of makeup are real.