- Joined
- Dec 28, 2014
It literally won't, kill yourself, Jack, you stupid fucking asshole.
Careercow Jack Russell Scalfani / Cooking With Jack / Jack on the Go Show / jakatak - YouTube "Celebrity" "Chef", Living Encyclopedia of Gluttony-Induced Maladies, Salmonella Elemental
- Thread starter Gentlebastard
- Start date
- Joined
- Sep 3, 2014
Autopsy time go:
1. Jack's opening lines are very loud; I'm currently only at 23% volume and it feels like I'm listening to it at about 40%. Don't know how he boomered that.
2. Jack explains away the metal clanging as how he has people helping him repair the house; so my guess is he guilt tripped murderchurch members to do work around the house for free.
3. Jack then states the "show must go on" because like the Pigroach, the Carpetbagging Wendigo must follow an autistic schedule and can't be bothered to film on a day where this does NOT happen.
3b. Even dumber when you know he has videos weeks old laying around in case.
4. Jack then proclaims we're going to be making chicken noodle soup, which will be interesting in the Chinese sense to watch.
5. Jack then tries to state that these videos are here because a person "needs to know" how to make certain dishes; this is just so he can flex and try to appeal to people who wouldn't know how shit his cooking is.
5b. Won't work though because his channel's dead and most of his food looks like shit, to the point even children would go eww at it.
5c. Also I got a laugh out of Jack pretending to know how to make spaghetti sauce, since he never fucking makes his own shit other than his Jacksauce as a vanity project... which he refuses to use since even he hates it.
6. Jack REALLY thinks his rip-off of Basics with Babish will work out for him, and that there's a true market for it; the last time I saw such confidence in a business it died in less than 18 months due to bankruptcy and embezzlement.
7. Fat Jack reintroduces his diet quest, probably because there's a user here who actually shows how the diet's portions and meal composition is supposed to look.
8. Haha Jack on an eating plan; ignore how all his "diet" videos violate every step, size, and component written by the dietician.
9. Jack makes up 36 pounds on the spot in a blatant lie, because Jack is so childish, self-centered, and stupid that he thinks he's good at lying. And yes, I know and hope you throw a tantrum while you read this, since I know you lurk here you fat faggot.
9b. Seriously, he doesn't even look like he lost 10% of his body mass; you'd actually see that difference on a 5'4'' manlet like him.
10. So... I think Jack is bringing this Sanford shit up to hide the fact that he finally broke Tammy down on forcing him to diet and to explain why he's acting like a giddy child.
11. Yeah, this whole bit was him trying to gaslight the user who showed what you actually are supposed to eat on the diet and to hide that he successfully acted like a colicky toddler enough to force mommy wife to give up and let him eat himself to death.
12. Cue longwinded stock baby footage that's the third worst intro Jack made besides his Fat on the Go and Recipe Ripoff one.
13. Haha I guess he decided to give up the KETO lie, either that or Jack is so dumb he doesn't know that egg noodles still use a wheat flour as the main component. We'll see how he lies his way out of that one.
13b. Also, any egg noodle works, I tend to favor linguini or longer flat nooldes in general though.
14. Jack confuses stock with broth, and is open about not being sure which is better.
14b. I'll be fair and give him this one since they both work and if you don't make them yourself it's kinda hard to tell which one to use and why.
14c. For those wondering, broth is the meat and veg fluid that you get from simmering and they tend to be more flavorful, stock is stewing the bone marrow and it's thicker.
14d. Ending it off, stock is best for gravies and stews that have aromatic or flavorful ingredients, while broths are best for soup bases that need more flavor, but either way it'll work.
15. I'm genuinely baffled on why Jack has flour in this dish; my best guess is as a thickening agent, though there's no reason for it.
15b. But then again, Jack often confuses soups and stews, so I'm guessing he's doing it here too.
16. Jack goes full special needs child when he burbles about the "star of the show: ChIcKeN"
17. Jack is going to round out his soup with celery, onions, and carrots.
17b. Fun fact; this is known in France as mirepoix, and is one of the most common bases for soups and cooking ever in the western world.
18. So Jack opens with... *sighs*, he opens with poorly seasoned chicken that is only on one side that he's cooking first for no fucking reason.
18b. Amusingly he doesn't even mention that he's using his seasoning I think; I'd reference my stuff if I used it.
18c. Also Jack, your seasoning mix isn't your sauce; you still prove me right in that even you can't stand your own sauce.
19. Jack is poaching the chicken, which he defines as "not really boiling, it's not really steaming. It's kinda a mixture".
19b. For those wondering, poaching is partially or fully submerging your food into sub-boiling water, usually around 160 - 160 F (70 - 80 C) to delicately cook it.
19c. So you know, expect Jack to boil the fucker at like 300 F and gurgle about the chicken's wetness.
20. Jack then reveals to me that he isn't even poaching; he's actually braising it using the stock as the medium.
20b. Not a bad idea to be honest, since wet cooking with chicken has a habit of leeching flavors unless the medium is aromatic or flavored itself.
21. Jack mushbrains out how every wet cooking method you use should have the liquid that's flavored.
21b. He also includes sautee'ing because I guess that's also a wet cooking method rather than a frying method.
22. Jack struggles to grip these retardedly huge chicken breasts with tongs before giving in to the Salmonella and grips it with his good hand to slam it into the pot.
23. Jack utterly fails to lie about how he is controlling how much food he puts into his containers.
23b. No joke, he opens with how he put another breast in, then, because he knows he's trying to look like he's dieting and that he's too retarded to know he's already over his calorie count, then says instead that he was gonna put another breast in but they were too big.
23c. BTW, chicken thighs, not breast. Makes your soup taste a lot nicer since it tolerates wet cooking better.
24. Jack states he prefers a lot of meat in his soups. No shit.
25. And Jack reveals he confused braising with poaching, since poaching never results in a boil.
26. He should have sautee'd the vegetables first since that'd form an enriching element to the braising fluid.
26b. Also might not be a bad idea to brown and/or mostly cook the chicken too via pan frying it tbh.
27. Jack fails to understand the best reason you might put a lid on a pot; besides creating pressure like he stated, it also contains the heat and keeps tempuratures more consistently high.
28. Jack forgets to add his herb to the stock; he also forgot that he should've added his veg into it too a good while ago to enrich it too.
29. Medium-High heat for a boil... BAHAHAHA
29b. That's what you use to pan-fry if it's set like that!
30. Fade cut to the stock violently roiling and boiling, like Ubbo Sathla seethes around the tablets of creation.
31. Holy shit I think in the span of ten seconds he lost like half the stock; that ain't good.
32. And Jack still shows he doesn't know what a simmer and a boil looks like.
32b. A simmer for those curious is when you clearly see steam rising, and occasionally bubbles break the surface, it's mostly still. Boils consistently have bubbles rising, and range from a mild stream to the roiling you saw when the fade cut happened.
33. Either way, Jack is boiling the chicken; it's a gentler boil, but that's still a boil.
34. Jack fade cuts again to the pot boiling with released chicken-blood/fat, and he struggles to remove the horkers with tiny tong.
35. Oh dear god he's trying to lift a boiling hot pot with one arm that's asking for burns.
36. Jack isn't sure what to call the braising liquid after he strained out the blood/fat, ranging from sauce to soup mix; it doesn't have a term, so it's whatever you want it to be.
37. Jack puts the flame back on the pot he didn't clean out, and pours in the olive oil; in other news this does mean he pre-cooked the chicken, thus doing what I said about 11 points ago.
38. Jack's using both butter and olive oil for this one; for those wondering the sole reason to do this is so you add butter's flavor without it burning due to the oil upping the smoke point.
39. And those onions he dumps in could use one more cut through methinks.
40. Jack plops in the carrots and celery in an even amount to the onions, making it closer to Louisiana style mirepoix.
41. I'm actually surprised Jack waited on throwing in his garlic; he's usually guilty as hell on doing it early.
42. Haha Jack now is spouting that garlic only needs to be cooked til fragrant; he's copying others. Shame he won't remember this the next time he makes something like this.
43. Jack then decides for some retarded reason to dump the flour into the oiled veg to make it act like a roux... why? Fuck if I know.
44. Aaaand Jack utterly failed at making the roux due to not being quick enough or vigorous enough to mix it, thus meaning the soup will be lumpy. GG; especially since there's no reason to add flour.
45. Jack then tries to deglaze the pan with the braising liquid, likely trying to get any veg fond he can to enrich the stock he used as the deglazing fluid.
45b. Not that he'd know why you do this, and he probably did it to try and dissolve the flour, though good luck with that.
46. It's telling that what I'm looking at in that pot looks more like store bought pot pie filling than anything else.
47. Also dat's a lot of oil and fat that I'm gonna be eating since he didn't clean the pot.
47b. What I'm trying to say is that Jack's septic tank is fucked tonight.
48. "Look at how creamy that looks" ~ Reason #3,354 on why Jack is the gayest man alive
49. Also at no point does Jack lower the temperature for this pot pie filling, meaning it's rapidly boiling.
50. Jack dumps the rest of the stock into the filling, and there isn't enough given how much goddamn food has yet to enter the pot.
51. Jack doesn't sample via tasting as he adds the spices to the broth, gg.
52. And this pig didn't add a drop of pepper into it. Fucking savage.
53. Jesus christ look at that fat film on the fade cut soup broth...
53b. And of course Jack isn't skimming those precious bits of fat and filth off; they're his precious.
54. Jack has to get Tammy to help him, and he sounds kind of reluctant, like he knows he's on thin ice with her after tantruming at her so much for forcing him to diet.
55. Jack is happy that the chicken will fall apart as it cooks since he didn't cut it up enough; by the way that's a sign you over cooked it since the protein gave up and quit; it's gonna taste dry no matter what now.
56. I don't know why Jack is letting that shit simmer for another 20 minutes without putting the noodles in, what with the chicken being cooked already for the most part.
57. This is amazingly smoothbrained; Jack precooked the noodles in water. I'd have cooked them in the soup itself along with the chicken.
58. So here's my guess: Jack is using Tammy to pretend he isn't just going to eat both of those bowls.
58b. Either that or she didn't realize or she doesn't care she's breaking her diet given the egg noodle and flour going into it.
59. And of course Jack tries to avoid putting as many vegetables as possible in both bowls; they're nasty and yucky and only stupid people eat them.
60. Jack lets slip he's been wanting smell-o-vison to become a permanent fixture; my guess is so he can use his dead hand to flksdjskjfslkkjf as he watches Food Network.
61. Final product is mediocre and more a stew than a soup given the internal structure.
61b. I suspect the meat will be dry as hell, and you'll have lumps of flour occasionally slide down your throat given his decision to do that.
62. He sees beauty in just how much meat he has in his red bowl, because of course he only wants meat and noodles.
63. So as Jack fills in time to let the chicken meat cool down, I notice he just has a tub of Bacon Up out; I guess he's going to eat it with his fingers later.
63b. Either that or use it for lubricant as he fdslkfsalkfdsalkjf when he watches Guy Fieri pig out on TV.
64. Jack was so horngry he openly admits he's going to scorch his mouth but does it anyway.
65. Jack moos and moans like a milked cow as the chicken slides down his throat. As he does it I get a glimpse of God screaming at his mistake.
65b. I don't kid you, he legit sounded like he nutted in his pants. It's pathetic, disgusting, and sad.
66. He had to supress his schoolgirl giggle a bit; nice to see you read me fatboy, by the way I see you Bacon Up. I See you Bistro.
67. Jack's last babble string can be translated as "PLEASE LET ME TRICK CHILDREN AND RETARDS INTO WATCHING ME BECAUSE I NEED PRAISE AND ATTENTION".
This was an interesting odyssey to go on.
- Joined
- Jun 23, 2015
This is exactly what he does. There was a video not too long ago where he gets a notification on his watch and bumps it into his nose to dismiss it.
I have no idea which video, maybe someone knows off the top of their head. I know it was a cooking with jack video, not a jackoff on the go video. He was standing in the kitchen.
- Joined
- Dec 11, 2013
And 30 seconds on Google could have told him that one is made with bones and aromatics and one is made with that plus meat. But you know what this stroked out faggot could have done? Actually made stock / broth. I mean from scratch in an actual "back to basics" video. It's cooking 101. Literally if you ever take a culinary course the first thing you make is stock because you're going to be using it. A lot.
As for the soup, it's insipid and something I'd expect somebody who's never made soup before would make. He literally has no business cooking.
- Joined
- Jun 27, 2019
Jack says he's using stock and goes into detail about what he thinks it is. At 7:10 he has a carton of chicken broth next to him.
- Joined
- Jun 12, 2020
Who the hell wants to eat soup in the middle of July? He should have held this recipe for the beginning of fall. I wonder how long that melon or squash is going to sit on the counter in front of the piggy before it goes rotten.
@Adamska I usually cook the noodles separately and leave them out if I know there’s going to be leftovers because they get all weird and mushy, but other than that agree with everything else you’ve said.
Why only thyme for seasoning in this recipe? I also like putting dill in my chicken soup. He probably could have put two bay leaves in it to flavor it up, but he probably used the whole container in the adobo chicken because he’s a fucking idiot.
this is one of those recipes that pisses me off so much that I’m tempted to go buy all of the ingredients to do it the correct way myself.
@Adamska I usually cook the noodles separately and leave them out if I know there’s going to be leftovers because they get all weird and mushy, but other than that agree with everything else you’ve said.
Why only thyme for seasoning in this recipe? I also like putting dill in my chicken soup. He probably could have put two bay leaves in it to flavor it up, but he probably used the whole container in the adobo chicken because he’s a fucking idiot.
this is one of those recipes that pisses me off so much that I’m tempted to go buy all of the ingredients to do it the correct way myself.
Aaway
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Sep 8, 2016
looks like this is jack's latest trigger. the funny thing is that i've seen 3 or 4 cars with this in the last week or so since jack made his original post complaining about it. i'm guessing it's becoming popular because of tiktok?
- Joined
- Dec 11, 2013
What money does he have in the first place? Medium T is the one that makes the money which pays for his fast food binges.
But how much of this is because it's kinda crass to ask for money this way and how much of it is because they want the money to buy alcohol? Remember, a lot of what he says on social media is virtue signalling. He's showing everybody what a good Christian he is by implying that alcohol is bad.
- Joined
- Jan 6, 2020
Math with Jack:
took 8 months to lose 36 elbees. 12 months in a year
"I should be able to meet my weight loss goal of 100 lbs by the end of the year"
took 8 months to lose 36 elbees. 12 months in a year
"I should be able to meet my weight loss goal of 100 lbs by the end of the year"
- Joined
- Sep 22, 2018
Every time I see somebody using baby carrrots to make Chicken Soup i panic a little. Also weird flex to make Chicken Noodle Soup on three occasions instead of foraying into Chicken Dumpling soup, or something that at least changes the pace a bit.
FatJacksFatAssTongue
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Apr 13, 2021
This fucking guy. What an idiot.
Two ‘Back To Basics’ in the past week or so, dead-on at the hottest time of the entire year and both featuring cold weather staples. What’s next week Jaggoff? A keto hot chocolate or hot apple cider rip off recipe? This dude is a total zero
Such an out of touch dummy LMFAO
- Joined
- Dec 8, 2014
Mundane Ralph
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Jul 22, 2020
His original goal was 100lbs in 8 months.Math with Jack:
took 8 months to lose 36 elbees. 12 months in a year
"I should be able to meet my weight loss goal of 100 lbs by the end of the year"
Baby carrots are trash. I assume it's the chlorine bath that fucks up the flavor. They're probably passable in a soup but whole carrots put them to shame if you're eating them by themselves.
- Joined
- Apr 15, 2019
FREE PIGGY!
Joycondrift
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Jul 27, 2021
captkrisma
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Feb 3, 2013
Like I said before, most of this shit is for bachelorette parties. Jack lives near Nashville, the number one most visited city for bachelorette parties. I looked and saw no less than 30 seperate limousine/party bus companies. Seeing this on someone's back window is extremely common, especially if you are anywhere near downtown.
We all know Jack doesn't go downtown for two reasons. Too many people in general (after around 6pm he would be lost in a sea of people taller than him, especially if he's on the wrong side of Broadway, because Jack is a 5'2 manlett), and too many black people (because Jack is a racist).
Eljudnir
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Jul 25, 2020
Here's the less Jacked up recipe: https://www.cook2eatwell.com/chicken-egg-noodle-soup/
Adding the flour is still dumb but the soup looks pretty fine otherwise.
Adding the flour is still dumb but the soup looks pretty fine otherwise.
Super Hans
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Feb 29, 2020
You can't seriously have been expecting an answer that was related to the teacher being a teacher? Jack has no interest in learning whatsoever, as proven by his Youtube channels getting worse in the last decade plus.
DX10
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- May 5, 2014
The shit where he's crying about venmo rear window messages also says to me that he spends a lot of time driving around in white trash outer 'burbs lol.
FatJacksFatAssTongue
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Apr 13, 2021
He’s unable to drive, much like he’s always been unable to do anything else worthwhile