You are 1, a soldier trying to survive in a world filled with infected zombies everywhere. You have a automatic rifle and a grenade. Your unit lost a lot of men when the infection broke, but you've managed to keep the small town you're stationed near safe for now. You look over the town and think about your next move. The town is small, only a few blocks in size, but it's home to a large group of people who haven't seen or heard from each other since the outbreak started.
> Piss all over everything while yelling “ZOMBIES ARE COMING, BY LAND, BY LAND!”
You raise up your weapon as loud as you can and point it at the nearest building. The rest of your squad follows suit, raising their weapons too. Your aim isn't perfect, but you manage to hit one of the windows before they start shooting back.
>
"Goddamnit! They're coming by the land, by the land!" A voice shouts from inside. It sounds like a woman's, but you don't know her name.
> Save woman
You fire your weapon into the air, aiming at the closest zombie that has come out of its hole. You quickly run towards it, firing off shots as you go. When you get close enough, you swing your gun around and shoot it in the head. "Get down!"
>
A man screams. You drop to the ground, grabbing a nearby rock and throwing it at another zombie. This one manages to dodge though, so you continue to do this until you feel like you've killed them all.
> Pull out guitar and sing ‘Nobody Likes a Bigot’ by Randy Pitchford
You pick up the guitar and begin to play. You sing "Nobody likes a bigot" over and over again, hoping that will help you. "I'm not a bigoted man, I just want my country back.
> You ask everyone to sing along. Everyone is silent.
You turn to everyone and tell them to sing along. Everyone does so except for one person. It's an older man with a cane, he looks at you and shakes his head. He then turns away from the microphone and walks off stage without saying anything else.
> Continue singing and promote the Borderlands 3 season pass
You continue singing and promoting the Borderlands 3 Season Pass. You even manage to convince some people to buy it, which makes you happy.
> Go on Twitter and make passive aggressive tweets aimed at Valve
You follow @ValveBorderlands and tweet "Hey guys, check out the new Borderlands game! It's great!" This gets a positive response from some people, but others aren't impressed. Some say you're being 'overly friendly'.
> Throw tantrum on Twitter
You spend the next few hours tweeting about how you hate Valve, how they're ruining video games and how you'll never buy a game ever again. Eventually, someone sends you a link to SteamSpy, which shows that your account has been banned.
> Punch computer
You find yourself unable to log on to Steam anymore. You attempt to use your phone, but it won't work either. The only thing you can think of is punching the computer in anger. You punch the computer several times before realizing that would be suicide and decide against it.
> Whine on Twitter some more
You continue to complain on Twitter about the ban. Eventually, someone sends you a link to Reddit where you post your story there. A couple days later, you receive a message from Valve.
> Read message
You open the message and see that you were banned from posting to /r/SteamGameSwap because you posted something offensive. The only thing you know is that if someone else posts a similar topic, they too will get banned.
> Get mad at Reddit
You rage-quit Reddit completely and don't return until the end of August when you finally get unbanned. In the meantime, you've managed to sell all your games on eBay (and still owe money) and now live in fear that somebody might steal your stuff.
> Add loot boxes to Borderlands 3
A week after getting unbanned, you start adding loot boxes to Borderlands 3. You're not sure why exactly, but you figure it must be some sort of test by Valve.
> Argue with angry fans
Your first big fan is a guy named 'joshuadam' who writes for /r/gaming. He doesn't like the idea of loot boxes, so he argues with you on Twitter. "Loot crates are bad for the industry as a whole," Josh says.
>
"They're exploitative." "I disagree," you reply. "If anything, I think they should help developers get around the problem of having to offer DLC that isn't selling well enough or simply not being popular enough to warrant its own release."
>
"Well, that's fine," Josh replies. "But they're also bad for me personally since I'm going to lose out on sales due to them." You keep arguing back and forth with him over the next few weeks, but eventually he stops responding altogether.
> “I have clearly won.”
It's been two months since you started using loot boxes and you feel confident that you've won this argument. "Josh, I am sorry to hear that," you write. "However, I believe we both agree that loot boxes aren't inherently bad.
>
We just disagree on how they should be used." He responds: "That's great! I'm glad you understand my position better than I did. Thanks for taking the time to explain yourself.
> Start work on new Borderlands 3 DLC
After that, you begin working on a new Borderlands 3 DLC called The Secret Armory of General Knoxx. It features new weapons and enemies, along with a story mode where you play as Handsome Jack, the main antagonist of the game.
> Replace Handsome Jack’s voice actor
The next day, you send an email to Gearbox about replacing Handsome Jack's voice actor.
> Wait for response
Two days later, you receive an automated response from Gearbox saying that they will look into your request. They tell you to expect a reply within three business days. Three business days pass... Four business days pass... Five business days pass... Six business days pass...
> Do it anyway
You decide to go ahead with the replacement. You don't want to risk losing Handsome Jack, so you send another email asking if they can find someone else. This time, you get a different answer. "Thank you for contacting us regarding our previous response,"
>
Gearbox writes. "Unfortunately, we were unable to find anyone who could fill the role of Handsome Jack. However, we will certainly consider any other requests for characters in future projects." You smile at their quick response and then proceed with your plan.
> Make Handsome Jack possessed by Claptrap so he can be more funny
You spend the next week making Handsome Jack possess Claptrap, which turns out to be a lot funnier. In the meantime, you continue working on your project. You finish up the first level and release it to Steam Early Access.
> !Fans complain about the game being unplayable
Your fans complain again. Some of them even call you a liar, but others praise the game for its humor and good writing. A few weeks after release, you're contacted by Gearbox again about Handsome Jack's voice actor.
>
This time, you respond.
>
>
Dear [Name], We appreciate your interest in our games, and we would like to apologize for not having heard back from you sooner. We had been busy with other things, and as such we did not hear back until now.
> !Fans complain about the writing not being funny
You write back. "It is true that some of the jokes aren't very funny, but I think the story was well written overall. If you have any concerns about this please let me know.
>
In the mean time, I am happy to take your comments into consideration.
>
Thank you for contacting us again.
>
Sincerely, Handsome Jack The rest of the year goes by and Handsome Jack does his thing. The game sells quite well and you get a lot of positive feedback from your fans. It seems like they really liked Handsome Jack!
> Keep using Handsome Jack until his voice actor dies of old age
Year 20 "Hey Handsome Jack, how are you doing?" "I'm fine, just trying to stay out of trouble." "Oh? Well then why don't you come over here and play a round with me sometime!
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We could go out to a bar or something!" "That sounds nice, but I've got an important job to do today." "What kind of job?" "Well I need to talk with you about something serious so if you're coming over, it better be important." "
>
Okay, what's wrong?" "Nothing, just coming up on my deadline. See ya later!
>
>
Alright, see ya later! Year 21 "So Handsome Jack, what did you want to talk about?" "About... nothing."
>
"Oh, okay then. So where is this important business meeting taking place?" "It's at the casino in town." "Ah, that's great! I'll meet you there soon!" "Yeah, yeah. See ya later!
>
Bye!" Year 22 "Hey Handsome Jack, what's up?" "Nothing, just coming up on my deadline. See ya later!" Year 23 "Hello Handsome Jack, what's up?" "Nothing, just coming up on my deadline.
>
See ya later!" Year 24 "Hello Handsome Jack, what's up?" "Nothing, just coming up on my deadline. See ya later!" Year 25 "Hello Handsome Jack, what's up?" "Nothing, just coming up on my deadline. See ya later!