- Joined
- Aug 21, 2022
Plot Summary with Commentary. When we last left our Witless Wonder, Amber was pretending that she FINALLY was seeing what we were seeing when she looked at herself in a full-length mirror in one of the shops - and then making excuse after excuse as to why there was nothing she could do about it. Alright, now for today's vlog. Let's get this over with.
OOPS!! I accidentally read the title as "shilling a secret" instead of "sharing a secret"... though in my defense, I think that's a more accurate title than what she chose. Ugh, I am also now noticing that the video JUST BARELY passed the 12 minute mark at 12:21, meaning there will be a disgusting amount of filler,
. Anyway, I'm stalling: take us in!
TL;DR: 100% NONTENT FILLER. Amber spends 3 days being a barnicle on her family's ass. First with methmam, then with Grandma, and then with BF's family. Amber talks about all sorts of useless bullshit to fill time, including but not limited to:
OOPS!! I accidentally read the title as "shilling a secret" instead of "sharing a secret"... though in my defense, I think that's a more accurate title than what she chose. Ugh, I am also now noticing that the video JUST BARELY passed the 12 minute mark at 12:21, meaning there will be a disgusting amount of filler,
. Anyway, I'm stalling: take us in!"Hello hello; welcome to a new vlog". Improper intro.
Amber says she's going to do her typical routine. So.... wake up at 5pm, eat 5000 calories while obsessively searching for new Amber content on Kiwi Farms, Reddit, and Youtube, nag methmam to drive her around, and then cry about her ex or jiggle to shitty music on TikTok? Awesome. AND she's going to film it for us so we don't miss it? Double awesome.
Insert "All I ate today was ______ " nonsense (almonds, if you care).
Last night she watched the new episode of the new season of 1000lb Sisters, and throws in a clip from when she was watching it. She's pretending to cry while using her pleather shearling coat as a blankie (which would only cover from her neck to her second set of tits). So emotional!
This crying segment goes on for WAY TO LONG (in order to pad out the video). The whole Tammy and Caleb story just "does something" to Amber. Don't be fooled; all of these tears (if genuine), are for Amber alone.
Amber is "so attached to these people that I can't even handle myself". You know, people that she doesn't know in real life, and never gave a shit to get to know any more than to try and start 'youtube beef' with for clicks when she could have gotten to know them?
Insert "Obsessed" remark.
FREEZE FRAME!!
Picking out ugly Christmas Sweaters with mommy! She chooses the cow one for desperation clicks - fooling no one, as we can clearly see that the largest sweater on that rack isn't anywhere close to an XXXXXXXXXXL. Methmam shows a bit more class... and chooses the one of santa drinking.
And now looking for more fugly purses. It's a fanny pack covered in plastic "diamonds". Y'know, I just got finished watching Scrooge the other day (the Patrick Stuart made-for-TV one), and... do you think that like Jacob Marley, Amber is getting a set a chains made for her? You know, one link for every sweat-shop child labourer who has toiled to make Amber some piece of fast-fashion that she's just ended up giving to Dana or illegally dumping at the GoodWill?
140IQ, Big-Brain Amber realizes that the fanny pack won't fit across her fanny, but actually thinks that she'll be able to wear it as a cross-body bag instead. This is just for engagement clicks - as I refuse to believe that even Amber could be that stupid. If she was, she would have accidentally drowned herself in the washing machine or something by now.
PLACARD: next day
Amber's wearing her pleather shearling coat again. Methmam's taking Amber to grandma's house. I guess "Birth-Canal" drew the short straw today, and it's her turn to babysit.
[No service animals were harmed in the filming of this vlog]
Amber has something on her mind. In a previous vlog, we saw Amber with a Delta8 vape, and it "shocked" a lot of people. Amber was nonchalant in showing that because she doesn't show everything online, but she's been vaping since even before her ex (JADE) and was daily vaping in Kentucky.
Not a surprise, as during the Becky era Amber did a what's in my purse segment for filler, and pulled out a ton of dead, disposible vapes. And let's be real: Amber making bad choices (such as buying gas station vapes of questionable quality) is pretty on-brand for her. This also means that I WAS RIGHT!! This segment SHOULD be called "Shilling a secret"! This is yet more filler.
"Maybe down the line, I can tell you more about some "things" that I've done". No thanks, Ambo; I've already heard the double-handy story more times than I would have liked to.
"A lot of people were shocked". NO ONE WAS SHOCKED YOU VAPED. They were shocked at the lack of consideration you showed to your recovering addict mother. And even then, people who've been watching you for more than a month weren't shocked at that, either.
PLACARD: next day
Amber's brushing her hair in her bathroom. Amber thinks she deserves a reward for the worst vlogger on YouTube. YES! And your reward will be your declining view count! Amber promises that this will improve "soon".
Amber pretends that last night she cut "a lot" of her hair. In reality, it looks like she cut off about 1 inch of dead split-ends. Good job, Ambo. Now only about 16 more inches of dead frizz left to cut off. You can see a bunch of her hair is all broken at about the level of her first set of tits and very little actually makes it down to her third set. Her hair has gotten so thin, it's shocking. I've seen dudes with thicker locks coming out of their ARMPITS.
Amber's getting ready because she's going to tag along with methmam and BF to BF's family's house!!
PLACARD: several hours later.
Amber's back in her kitchen. After visiting BF's family's house, Amber made methmam take her to the LEGO store on the way home. She's not done her current LEGO project, but she needs MOAR!! Remember when Amber said she wasn't going to just shop and fill her new apartment with junk? Kiwi Farms remembers...
AMAZON HAUL!!!... of a single bottle of foundation, and a hideous bottle of Nicki Minaj perfume that she bought herself for Christmas... because it seems like she's gone through about another litre of perfume since the summer.
FREEZE FRAME!!
"Beautiful"... if by beautiful, you mean "kid melted it's face with a magnifying glass"...
JUMPCUT!! Every Saturday "at noon-o'clock" ... Amber hears the trumpets of Judgement Day! Oh shit, Ambo!! Get ready to wear those chains you've forged in life!! At least you may actually start to lose some weight! Oh, nevermind: it's the weekly test of her OKC's tornado siren. More filler.
Amber now starts talking about snuggies. I just fucking can't with all of this filler. [SKIP]
Now Amber's talking about the "friend" of the subscriber/instagram person that she met when she was getting her snout pierced. She's sticking it to the haydurs because she NEVER TOLD ANYONE about getting her nose pierced before she did it. Nobody could have possibly known, so no way was this a setup and no way is this a stalker!
Okay good, so we've then established that this story was 100% fabricated by Ambo, just like the FBI Frank story, and now she's trying to fix the plot-holes she created. Got it [SKIP]
Amber talks about the "woo" of the universe putting things in her path. No, Amber, you're just so wide that you constantly clip things on the peripheries that the average person moves past without issue.
Amber makes up a story about having a stalker in Kentucky, and promises to tell us about it later. Is she talking about that weird Rob Brown guy?
Amber talks about how she needs to upload more starting in January. To that I ask, what's going to be different in January from December (other than shittier adsense)?
Amber insists she's changed (and then lets the camera drift over to show the yellow bag from the LEGO store that's STILL on her couch weeks later). Oh yes, very different than who she used to be! Amber's been filming what she feels like she's SUPPOSED to film, but she wants to go back to filming what SHE WANTS to film (which is a complaint she's made multiple times over the last several years).
[PRO-TIP for the newbies here who are actually wondering "what if Amber actually HAS changed?" People CAN change, but for the most part they DON'T change. Humans are horribly predictable creatures of habit. When they do change, it's so noticable that you just can't miss it. So if you're encountering someone and asking yourself "have they changed", then NO, THEY HAVEN'T CHANGED.]
Amber finally decides to end the vlog. Amber insists she's going to vlog MORE in January when other YouTubers vlog less. Oh boy, get ready for a "New Year, New Me" video, a "XXX reasons to lose XXX lbs" video, a "what my family got me for Christmas" video, and a medical emergency video. Oh! And the bullshit stalker story. So exciting! Should I just write the reee-caps now? I think I've seen enough iterations of these January videos that I probably could write them before seeing her new videos..
Byee!!
Amber says she's going to do her typical routine. So.... wake up at 5pm, eat 5000 calories while obsessively searching for new Amber content on Kiwi Farms, Reddit, and Youtube, nag methmam to drive her around, and then cry about her ex or jiggle to shitty music on TikTok? Awesome. AND she's going to film it for us so we don't miss it? Double awesome.
Insert "All I ate today was ______ " nonsense (almonds, if you care).
Last night she watched the new episode of the new season of 1000lb Sisters, and throws in a clip from when she was watching it. She's pretending to cry while using her pleather shearling coat as a blankie (which would only cover from her neck to her second set of tits). So emotional!
This crying segment goes on for WAY TO LONG (in order to pad out the video). The whole Tammy and Caleb story just "does something" to Amber. Don't be fooled; all of these tears (if genuine), are for Amber alone.
Amber is "so attached to these people that I can't even handle myself". You know, people that she doesn't know in real life, and never gave a shit to get to know any more than to try and start 'youtube beef' with for clicks when she could have gotten to know them?
Insert "Obsessed" remark.
FREEZE FRAME!!
Picking out ugly Christmas Sweaters with mommy! She chooses the cow one for desperation clicks - fooling no one, as we can clearly see that the largest sweater on that rack isn't anywhere close to an XXXXXXXXXXL. Methmam shows a bit more class... and chooses the one of santa drinking.
And now looking for more fugly purses. It's a fanny pack covered in plastic "diamonds". Y'know, I just got finished watching Scrooge the other day (the Patrick Stuart made-for-TV one), and... do you think that like Jacob Marley, Amber is getting a set a chains made for her? You know, one link for every sweat-shop child labourer who has toiled to make Amber some piece of fast-fashion that she's just ended up giving to Dana or illegally dumping at the GoodWill?
140IQ, Big-Brain Amber realizes that the fanny pack won't fit across her fanny, but actually thinks that she'll be able to wear it as a cross-body bag instead. This is just for engagement clicks - as I refuse to believe that even Amber could be that stupid. If she was, she would have accidentally drowned herself in the washing machine or something by now.
PLACARD: next day
Amber's wearing her pleather shearling coat again. Methmam's taking Amber to grandma's house. I guess "Birth-Canal" drew the short straw today, and it's her turn to babysit.
[No service animals were harmed in the filming of this vlog]
Amber has something on her mind. In a previous vlog, we saw Amber with a Delta8 vape, and it "shocked" a lot of people. Amber was nonchalant in showing that because she doesn't show everything online, but she's been vaping since even before her ex (JADE) and was daily vaping in Kentucky.
Not a surprise, as during the Becky era Amber did a what's in my purse segment for filler, and pulled out a ton of dead, disposible vapes. And let's be real: Amber making bad choices (such as buying gas station vapes of questionable quality) is pretty on-brand for her. This also means that I WAS RIGHT!! This segment SHOULD be called "Shilling a secret"! This is yet more filler.
"Maybe down the line, I can tell you more about some "things" that I've done". No thanks, Ambo; I've already heard the double-handy story more times than I would have liked to.
"A lot of people were shocked". NO ONE WAS SHOCKED YOU VAPED. They were shocked at the lack of consideration you showed to your recovering addict mother. And even then, people who've been watching you for more than a month weren't shocked at that, either.
PLACARD: next day
Amber's brushing her hair in her bathroom. Amber thinks she deserves a reward for the worst vlogger on YouTube. YES! And your reward will be your declining view count! Amber promises that this will improve "soon".
Amber pretends that last night she cut "a lot" of her hair. In reality, it looks like she cut off about 1 inch of dead split-ends. Good job, Ambo. Now only about 16 more inches of dead frizz left to cut off. You can see a bunch of her hair is all broken at about the level of her first set of tits and very little actually makes it down to her third set. Her hair has gotten so thin, it's shocking. I've seen dudes with thicker locks coming out of their ARMPITS.
Amber's getting ready because she's going to tag along with methmam and BF to BF's family's house!!
PLACARD: several hours later.
Amber's back in her kitchen. After visiting BF's family's house, Amber made methmam take her to the LEGO store on the way home. She's not done her current LEGO project, but she needs MOAR!! Remember when Amber said she wasn't going to just shop and fill her new apartment with junk? Kiwi Farms remembers...
AMAZON HAUL!!!... of a single bottle of foundation, and a hideous bottle of Nicki Minaj perfume that she bought herself for Christmas... because it seems like she's gone through about another litre of perfume since the summer.
FREEZE FRAME!!
"Beautiful"... if by beautiful, you mean "kid melted it's face with a magnifying glass"...
JUMPCUT!! Every Saturday "at noon-o'clock" ... Amber hears the trumpets of Judgement Day! Oh shit, Ambo!! Get ready to wear those chains you've forged in life!! At least you may actually start to lose some weight! Oh, nevermind: it's the weekly test of her OKC's tornado siren. More filler.
Amber now starts talking about snuggies. I just fucking can't with all of this filler. [SKIP]
Now Amber's talking about the "friend" of the subscriber/instagram person that she met when she was getting her snout pierced. She's sticking it to the haydurs because she NEVER TOLD ANYONE about getting her nose pierced before she did it. Nobody could have possibly known, so no way was this a setup and no way is this a stalker!
Okay good, so we've then established that this story was 100% fabricated by Ambo, just like the FBI Frank story, and now she's trying to fix the plot-holes she created. Got it [SKIP]
Amber talks about the "woo" of the universe putting things in her path. No, Amber, you're just so wide that you constantly clip things on the peripheries that the average person moves past without issue.
Amber makes up a story about having a stalker in Kentucky, and promises to tell us about it later. Is she talking about that weird Rob Brown guy?
Amber talks about how she needs to upload more starting in January. To that I ask, what's going to be different in January from December (other than shittier adsense)?
Amber insists she's changed (and then lets the camera drift over to show the yellow bag from the LEGO store that's STILL on her couch weeks later). Oh yes, very different than who she used to be! Amber's been filming what she feels like she's SUPPOSED to film, but she wants to go back to filming what SHE WANTS to film (which is a complaint she's made multiple times over the last several years).
[PRO-TIP for the newbies here who are actually wondering "what if Amber actually HAS changed?" People CAN change, but for the most part they DON'T change. Humans are horribly predictable creatures of habit. When they do change, it's so noticable that you just can't miss it. So if you're encountering someone and asking yourself "have they changed", then NO, THEY HAVEN'T CHANGED.]
Amber finally decides to end the vlog. Amber insists she's going to vlog MORE in January when other YouTubers vlog less. Oh boy, get ready for a "New Year, New Me" video, a "XXX reasons to lose XXX lbs" video, a "what my family got me for Christmas" video, and a medical emergency video. Oh! And the bullshit stalker story. So exciting! Should I just write the reee-caps now? I think I've seen enough iterations of these January videos that I probably could write them before seeing her new videos..
Byee!!
TL;DR: 100% NONTENT FILLER. Amber spends 3 days being a barnicle on her family's ass. First with methmam, then with Grandma, and then with BF's family. Amber talks about all sorts of useless bullshit to fill time, including but not limited to:
- cutting 1" off of her hair (while insisting she cut off way more),
- pretending to give a shit about the Slaton sisters,
- sharing that she's been vaping (crappy gas station) delta8 vapes since the Becky era,
- retconning the (FAKE) story of the 'friend' of the instagram girl that she met at the piercing place (because she accidentally made the story sound too stalkerish), and
- promising to share a (bullshit) story about a stalker she had in Kentucky.
