Slop-making, dreams and bullshit
0:00 Opens with F/JFoNY:MGF,W sticking her finger in frame to poke the pork snout on AL’s big fat face, and AL’s deep, throaty voice grousing out ‘babe.’ Must say that I prefer this over ‘Hello Hello.’
0:03 ‘Hello! Welcome to Vlogmas Day 8.’ Fuck. Had to get me. Then it rolls into her stupid giggly Jingle Bells bullshit. Yay.
By the way, rum and eggnog? This shit is so fucking tasty. Mixed with a shot of whiskey and a shot of brandy. It is a delectable twist on the old holiday tradition of brandy-spiked ‘nog. I think this will become my new holiday staple.
0:25 They’re starting off with F/JFoNY:MGF,W pulling stuff out of AL’s face, apparently. Joy of joys.
0:32 AL waxes on about how when she was in newspaper class (she claims to have been in this class during her last year of high school - I’m certain she was the star editor (oh excuse me, advice columnist because she’s exactly the person you want giving advice to others) and excelled over all her peers, just like in soccer and choreography and everything else) her friend noticed she had a long hair sticking out of her face and offered to pull it out. AL informs us that it always grows back. This shit is nastay. She claims to always finds it by putting a little bit of mascara on her face and coloring that ‘long’ hair. She has F/JFoNY:MGF,W yank it out and she makes a fucking ‘o’ face when it’s plucked. Ugh. Of course, AL calls her facial hair a ‘she’ and I have just noticed that she has her photo filtered to the nines, not a crater/acne bump/flabby jowl line to be found and much thinner than it normally is lolz Holy shit, the delusion, having to filter the picture you take of your stupid facial hair is unreal.
2:00 Wow, stretching for content. She waddles around and opens the blinds in her cavern of an apartment, professing it’s her favorite thing to do in the morning when she wakes up.
2:07 Oh, jump cut and now it’s gift-giving time for F/JFoNY:MGF,W. This was apparently filmed on the 7th. She finds ‘her’, ‘her’ being the gift for December 7th, wrapped in black wrapping paper with Santa hats on it. F/JFoNY:MGF,W shakes it and starts digging in while AL laments that she doesn’t remember what it is, probably because it’s not nacho cheese or chili in a box. As soon as the paper comes off, AL bursts out with ‘oh yeahyeahyeah’ and F/JFoNY:MGF,W turns the box so we can see the ‘born to game!’ Print on the box. I am a doctor(alcoholic), not a gamer, so I have no fucking clue what this is, Jim. AL simpers on that it’s something she wanted. More opening, AL whining about the amount of packing material. Reveals finally that it’s a new controller for the Switch - a regular hand-held controller rather than the shit that clips onto the sides of the view tablet shit. I dunno, I ain’t no Switch doctor (leave me alone with my Playstation menagerie, thank you). AL explains that this controller ‘looks really cool when it’s on’ because it apparently has colored lights that shine through the ‘cracks’. AL pushes for F/JFoNY:MGF,W to turn it on so we can see this cheap after-market bullshit.
3:27 Rarity comes over to sniff at the box. AL can’t just fucking film in silence and let us enjoy it.
3:34 F/JFoNY:MGF,W turns it on. There’s just a little LED slide on the bottom of the controller, bluish/purple in color, that oscillates back and forth like the light on the front of the TransAm used in Knight Rider (all hail KITT) except much, much less awesome. AL whines that the whole thing is supposed to do this light flickering bullshit. F/JFoNY:MGF,W clarifies that she needs to hook it up, so that would explain why the lighting is subpar. F/JFoNY:MGF,W states that this will be her controller ‘officially’ and AL confirms that. Grand. It looks like shit, and those flickering lights will do nothing to improve gameplay but everything to drain battery life more expediently. F/JFoNY:MGF,W sounds so enthused that I am yawning with excitement.
3:48 More Rarity! She squeak-meows while AL tells her that the controller isn’t for her.
3:53 Fucking run a lint brush over your shit, AL. It’s more Rarity content, with AL baby-talking at her and asking if she wants a treat and if that’s what’s wrong. The cat wants some engagement of some variety, you blubberpotomus. Dur. And of course, AL is sing-singing as she digs through the pantry for cat treats. She feeds the cat directly on the counter, proclaims that ‘this is her home too’ and that cleaning solves all. She doesn’t want to make Rarity’s world any smaller than it already is. Which is bullshit. Get a cat tree instead of 97 UberEats orders in a week if you’re concerned about territory constraints and keep the feline off your damned counters. It’s possible to train a cat to do so, and provided you give them territory choices that /aren’t/ the counter they won’t find their lives lacking without the opportunity to put their fucking litter-carrying tootsies or assholes onto your food prep surfaces.
4:30 Now we’re on a Wasabi hunt. Because this is content. Waddling around with piss-poor lighting, viewing the underside of AL’s massive chin. She finds him hiding under a blanket or some shit and drops treats for him, which Twinkie attempts to snarf down via appearing out of freaking nowhere like the food-driven snarfer she is. AL punts the pup over to F/JFoNY:MGF,W to feed. Not literally because that would involve swinging an ankle ball, of course. Fun segway, though, is that AL proclaims that ‘Momma’s gonna give you one (ie: treat)’ and F/JFoNY:MGF,W is the one digging in the pantry. Twinkie gives no fucks about AL anymore, as F/JFoNY:MGF,W is the one going into the mystic food bin. I will say this, though. F/JFoNY:MGF,W is taking the time to actually do some training with the dog, and she looks so much better than she’s ever looked when under only AL’s care. Paw-giving and a spin for a treat is nice. AL squeals that Twonk is a good girl despite having zero input to the trick training.
5:00 AL is going through emails. Huzzah. She’s waiting for the weight loss clinic to send her the registration packet - but then realized she’s a dumbass, the packet was already sent, and it was ‘in the wrong file’. So AL doesn’t have all her email hit an inbox and then sort it? She doesn’t utilize the option to see all of her unread messages? She’s a dumbass who thought it was spam and ignored it? Eggnog is tasty?
At least you can know that last one’s answer is ‘yes’.
5:25 So yeah, she’s filling out the registration. She doesn’t know if they’re going to call her to set up an appointment once she fills out said registration and submits it, says ‘it’s going to be a whole molment’ EXCEPT IT’S NOT A FUCKING MOLMENT YOU DINGBAT and then she proclaims she wants an appointment in January. Because fuck anything immediate or expediting things, amirite? Oh, because it’s ‘out of state’ so F/JFoNY:MGF,W will have to drive her. She clarifies that it’s in a connecting state. She says that it’ll be a whole 16 hours to visit this place, so they’ll probably have a stay in a hotel. None of us particularly care.
6:22 Blah, she’s babbling now about how this is a long process to register for fucking weight loss surgery. Clarifies that we’re going to hear a lot about this shit because she needs content she can monetize for Vlogmas.
6:55 Fuck, now it’s time to make slop/crap/chili. I don’t know what horrifies me more - the thought of her shitty cooking or that shirt and the fact that it shows her flapjack fat bags’ junction that would be cleavage in an IG post (amazingly enough it doesn’t go all the way to her fucking neck lolz). Anyway, she shows off her onion dicer because fuck just using a damned knife. AL proclaims it takes 2 seconds to cut some onion now. (It’s one of those plastic press-dicer things that breaks in no time flat - I remember seeing them on infomercials and then in bargain bins because they got shit reviews)
7:35 Cut to see F/JFoNY:MGF,W’s hands snaking in to choke a bitch/hug her manatee on laaaayyyyygs before F/JFoNY:MGF,W gripes that AL’s hands smell like onion. This of course makes the manatee bellow like it’s been run over by a speed boat.
7:44 Ugh, starting the chili by dumping her onion directly into the pot. Mentions that she’s a lazy fuck and hasn’t updated her chalkboard since Vlogmas day 6. I will say that she mentions having oil in her pot, and my heart skipped with glee because at least we’re past the whole ‘sauté in water to reduce the calories’ bullshit. Displays ground turkey for the meat, dumps it in straight out of the plastic bin. Adds garlic salt (a ton of it), pepper, proclaims she’ll add the chili powder at the end. Stirs it up, calls it a ‘she’ once again. Adds minced garlic ON TOP of the garlic powder.
9:20 Oh, new revelation - she realizes her chili is normally a soupy disaster, but this time she’s going to try and make it less soupy. This is apparently a first-time attempt by her. I suspect she’ll fail.
9:30 She drains and rinses two cans of kidney beans (she just says she’s going to use two kidney beans - I was almost willing to wait to see her pluck two solitary beans out of the can and throw them into the pot, but that would be expecting literal compliance with her literacy, and that’ll never happen). Then she proclaims she’s going to use one can of black beans. At least she clarified that she’s using a can.
10:00 Meat’s about done. Shows she’s going to use reduced sodium chicken broth, Tomato juice (and that makes me cringe, because WTF but this is AL chili so whatever), some packaged McCormick chili powder seasoning mix shit, tomato sauce, and diced tomatoes. There’s a can of tomato paste there that she didn’t bother pointing out.
10:15 Adds the beans, then adds some of the tomato juice which she now calls sauce. And then clarifies ‘and juice’ which I guess means she added some in the jump cut. She then adds her broth, and I’m thinking that this is going to be yet another soup, because she has no idea how to make chili and is too lazy to look that shit up online. She states that her chicken broth adds good flavor. Then she pours in her diced tomatoes, her chili packet, then proclaims she likes to add other seasonings as needed, like cyanne pepper or cumin. Once again, this is ass. AL shows off her chili calling it ‘she’ once more, because everything has to be feminized because LESBIAN. It’s soup. AL’s going to leave it on the stove for 30 minutes to simmer and ‘marinate’ though. Maybe she’s praying it’ll thicken up and be not-soup.
11:02 F/JFoNY:MGF,W is making cornbread. Exciting. AL block out what F/JFoNY:MGF,W is doing by shoving the box of cornbread mix they’re utilizing into the viewfinder of the camera, showing it’s Krusteaz Gluten Free Honey Cornbread & Muffin Mix. AL proclaims that F/JFoNY:MGF,W wanted Jif (F/JFoNY:MGF,W instantly corrects that to Jiffy, because yes there’s a difference). AL then goes back to show off her soup. Which is remaining soup, because dumbass isn’t simmering it with the lid off the pot to allow the water to evaporate out of it. It’s covered, so just simmering away without thickening. And it’s soupier than before - AL solves why that happened instantly by proclaiming that yes, she added more chicken broth, because this bitch can’t do anything she promises or make an attempt. Like getting down to 400 lbs, her making not-soup chili is an impossibility. She says her old self wanted it soupy, and she added a lot of seasoning to it and she didn’t want it too seasonenenenenenee (verbatim right there, folks). So yeah, she watered that shit down because she dumped a cubic shit-ton of bullshit into it without tasting as she goes. Figures.
11:40 Fuck, time for her to slurp her gross as fuck soup and foodgasm about it being SHOOO GUUUUD. ‘She tastes phenomenal, because I’ve already tried her.’ STOP FEMINIZING EVERYTHING IN YOUR LIFE YOU ILLITERATE FAILED-CONDOM. UGH.
Eggnog is delicious. I am almost out. This should be enough to last this shit video, though.
And damn, that’s a sorry looking chunk of cornbread. I expected better out of F/JFoNY:MGF,W.
Oh, AL admits that its physical state is her fault - she took it out of the pan sheet situFUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOU messily.
12:00 Oh, and she’s excited to eat this shit. Sing-songy excited. Even though she’s already eaten this shit. And there we have the foodgasm with her eye-roll. She squeals that ‘this is gonna slaaaaaaap’ and all I can think of is that I wish it would rise from the bowl and slap her to Kingdom Come. She then tries to teach us about the magic of simmering, except we saw that she was doing nothing more than maintaining the shit warm because she wasn’t allowing any evaporation and thus condensation of spices and ingredients, with the resulting intensification of flavors that occurs with the removal of excess water. Aka: AL is full of shit.
12:50 Fucking slurps that chunk of cornbread into her face with a slurp-noise. Like a fucking vacuum cleaner’s hose managing to inhale a chunk of cat toy. The ‘thunk’ sound when vacuum is finally broken and air flow starts again. No shit. Followed by feeble-wobble in the chair and SHOOOO GUUUUUUUD. All is right in the Universe - AL is predictable as always. She proclaims she wants to make 40K bowls for everyone who is watching, then does a retarded little fat dance in her chair. I am doubting now if my ‘nog will survive the remaining 8 minutes of this travesty. F/JFoNY:MGF,W makes fun of her and says ‘you did that’, I’m guessing in regards to her retarded dance - or likely AL’s profession that her chili is so fucking soupy/gross/apparently edible with cornbread as most things in life are. AL goes blathering that yes, she did that. Kate Winslet has more ammunition for the next time she does a haunting ‘I did that’ riff track to back a terrifying Halloween video.
13:20 Wasabi! He is fluffy and cute. AL ruins the moment by squealing at him. Then she zooms in on Rarity on the cat tree while informing us that F/JFoNY:MGF,W is filming, because she’s now vlogging as well. Except she’s not - she’s simply in charge of the camera, which would explain why it’s not wobbling around.
13:50 Shows off the ceiling above their tree. It’s got retarded projector lights. Whatever - different strokes for different folks. I wish that someone would smash AL’s vocal cords so she couldn’t sing-song every fucking little thing.
13:56 Sloppiest jump cut into a jump cut ever, and then we get Wasabi-censorship.
F/JFoNY:MGF,W probably edited this shit like mad to ensure she wasn’t showing her face, hence the sloppy as fuck editing. Do better.
Oh, and FAAAAAAAAAAAAAT.
14:03 AL is waving around a black coat with fluffy white lining. She proclaims that they are about to go to the homeless shelter. She whines that it gets so dark out, questioning why the natural phenomenon occurs, then pauses and says ‘well, I know the answer to that.’ I wonder if she truly does understand axial tilt and orbital tracks, and find doubt in my soul. She then informs us that it’s 55F outside, which isn’t bad, and she’s bundling like it’s fucking -30F. Yeesh. I know some of us don’t have cold tolerance (myself included), but 55F is a light jacket. Unless you’re going to be sitting in a car doing nothing, then maybe a long-sleeved t-shirt and some jeans. AL should rely on the blubber coating she has - she could swim in the Arctic Sea without a dry suit and emerge with nothing worse than chattering teeth.
14:30 Now in the car. She proclaims they’re almost at the homeless shelter. I will say that the decorations in town are quite charming. AL ruins the fucking moment by describing how everything is so kyuuuuuute and (SINGSONG MOTHERFUCKER) there’s a tree and so on and so forth. Side note - AL has no idea how to say appreciative when she mentions how the staff at the shelter were thankful for their donations. Says this is a different, smaller shelter than the other one she normally goes to. Says everyone should give hygiene products and shit during this time of year. Except as I recall, February is usually when shelters are hardest-up for goods because everyone gives during the holidays and then promptly forgets about them once the time has passed.
15:19 They’re back on the couch. AL is struggling out of her purse and coat, then says she didn’t want to come back home after being out and about. Then she grabs her boobs and ponders where her phone is, like it could have fallen down her sad fat bag cleavage and been swallowed by Cthulhu’s dimensional space. But crisis averted, she doesn’t need to dig into the black hole of blubber on her chest - she remembers that it’s in her ‘purseolol’ and then forces the camera to lose focus by thrusting the ugly green thing in front of the viewfinder.
15:45 Of course, now she’s got to talk to us about her shitty purse. She tells us to try and guess the price. I refuse to play this game and instead would play ‘let’s guess the price of the bottle of eggnog I have finished off, and how much I’ll spend getting replacements so I can mix it with all these delightful boozes again tomorrow.’ She informs us she got her shit purse at Target, finest of retail outlets. And it cost $35. ‘That’s it! To me that’s cheap.’ To me, that’s pricy for that shitty thing she didn’t need. She could’ve bought something for her pets, part of a tank of gas, or another retarded container for her pantry of retarded containers with that. But who cares, it’s time for her to snack on Jack Links peppered beef jerky!
16:00 Says in her next ‘little reading IT’S NOT A FUCKING MOLMENT YOU BRAINLESS TWATWAFFLE’… then confesses that she’s been slacking in her reading. She says it can take either a day or a year to finish a 300 page novella and there’s no in-between.
We all know that the ‘day’ is reading the back and going ‘yup’ and then listening to the audiobook. Don’t try to fool us, AL.
Shows us her VC Andrews (apparently her favorite author) books. Which is appropriate, because V.C. Andrews’ book readability age rating is 11-13. AL goes on to talk about how she’s read VC Andrews since she was 10 in an all-girl’s group home. Says she likes ‘other stuff, the stuff that other people has not heard about.’
You read that right. OTHER PEOPLE HAS NOT HEARD ABOUT. LiteracyLynn strikes again.
16:45 Says she’s read the series of books she’s holding - the Gemini series, apparently. Says she’s pretty sure there’s only 3 books in the series, and that she’s read the first 2 books. So she hasn’t read the series. My brain needs more nog. My mug of boozy nog is now empty. However, there’s only 4 minutes left, so hopefully topping off said mug with straight booze will be unnecessary.
17:09 Oh, now she’s talking bout how it’s been 1.5 decades since she’s read these books. So she doesn’t remember shit. She’s offering for people to join her in reading this series (‘Celest’, ‘Black Cat’ and ‘Child of Darkness’). She says she’s going to do random updates for those who want to follow along. So not doing a discussion book club - she’s just going to offer little updates. Which will be holding up the book to show off her bookmark and stating ‘look, I’ve read this far’ before going on to make some chili.
17:55 PlayDoh advent calendar. Day 8. She pulls out reindeer antlers and a yellow tub of playdoh. She proclaims she’s already made a reindeer because she’s creative and figured out how to make one, like any good 4 year old can.
18:18 ‘For those asking’ Nobody’s asking shit, AL. She explains that the ‘little purple guy’ from day 1 was a roller, like F/JFoNY:MGF,W said. AL whines that she doesn’t want to follow instructions and just wants to do her own thing, which is why her LEGO always has spare pieces at the end.
18:36 Shows off her sad creation.
Guess it could be worse. It does look like something my goblin would’ve made half a decade ago, though.
AL decides that yes, it looks pathetic. We agree.
18:51 Day 7 of the cat advent calendar. It’s a white and green fuzzy mouse with a feather tail that rattles.
19:00 Filler content - AL whines that something got into her eyeball. At least Rarity is cute as fuck in the background, peering at her idiot human from her perch on the cat tree.
19:15 AL offers Rarity the fuzzy mouse. Rarity is mildly interested. It takes until 19:30 for her to start pulling the feathers off the toy’s ass.
19:44 AL displays more of her rampant laziness by showing the board (not the chalkboard, the board with interchangeable lettering) that still says it’s Vlogmas Day 4. AL updates it to day 8.
19:55 Shows off a plastic tub of cashews, because those are vital to weight loss. She says she and F/JFoNY:MGF,W are obsessed. Whatever.
20:14 ‘Hi. Here is a deer.’
Fucking let it end before that whiskey looks so tempting that I upend the bottle in my face for the last 5 seconds of this shit.
She has named the shit-deer Coco.
Then says ‘This is EditingLynn’ (stop trying to appropriate our jokes, CuntLynn). She’s explaining that Comment of the Day didn’t film because she can’t operate her camera and only recorded her response. She explains that the comment was mentioning that her jacket doesn’t fit her rotund ass. But then she has her response.
20:48 ‘It does close. It is a little snug’ (if that’s what you call the casing of a robustly stuffed sausage, sure) ‘but it does close. I don’t really like wearing it closed. It depends if it’s raining or not.’ Then she waffles on about the state of her jacket.
NO ONE CARES.
She explains that she could’ve gotten a size 6, but fuck you, she likes being a sausage. Kissy outro.
vlogmas day 8
