"Hello hello. Welcome to a new vlog". Amber's in her new usual spot of the chaise component of her sofa. And nothing interesting in the mirror behind her. Moving on.
Amber has set a schedule for herself... of scrolling on TikTok before bed. It's the only schedule she's ever set for herself, so OF COURSE it has to be of a behaviour that's harmful (all of that light shining into your eyes messes with your sleep - regardless of how many OLLY melatonin gummies you pop). Add to that the double toxic affect of it BEING TIKTOK! My mind suddenly flashed to that Simpsons episode where Homer tries a subliminial sleep tape for weight loss.. but the warehouse ran out, so they sent him a thesaurus tape instead. Even THAT would be orders of magnitude more useful than fucking TIKTOK!
Amber talks about some TikTok story.:"JEEPS... not a car girlie... she likes the G Wagon...ducks on a windshield". What? OH! Then she looked out her window and there was a JEEP with 20 ducks on the windshield! OMG A GLITCH IN THE MATRIX!!! HOLY SHIT YOU SHOULD WASTE SEVERAL MORE HOURS OF YOUR LIFE INVESTIGATING THIS PHENOMENOM!! This is stupid. Also, it didn't happen.
Amber wants to go buy some little ducks and put them on jeeps. Yeah, you go do that, Amber. Make sure to film yourself.
JUMPCUT!! In the bathroom, because she slopped something on her shirt while eating. Apparently, we've sunken so low, that changing a shirt has now become an event and CONTENT. Mindless chatter during the process. She's had such a hard day, because she's back on her heartbreak bullshit of cryeeen. Super unmotivated - so then, a normal day?
MEDICAL EMERGENCY!! Amber jammed her finger in a door while taking Twinkie out to shit on her porch. More proof that Jade is gone: Amber's doing servant work. It's not bruised or anything, but it's THROBBING. Great, now we'll get to hear about this for the next several months as her 'dangleen finger' - or the precursor to another bout of cellulitis.
PO BOX TIME!! Contract for the box is for "the next couple of months". She got earrings from 'Bobby' (super ugly because they were made specially for her), and the book "Life Isn't Weighed on the Bathroom Scale".
FUCK!! The archive crapped out. You know, those ... *ahem*.. "PECULIAR" individuals who keep throwing rocks at our windows REALLY need a better hobby.
JUMPCUT!! By the kitchen island, and Amber's about to show us something super super special: it's a photo of foster care era Amber holding brother #3 right after he was born with a background that's supposed to be a hospital room.
"There's not a lot of things I remember from my childhood.. but I remember that molment"....
BITCH PLEASE! I was in the process of writing out all of the 'memories' that she's shared with us on her channel, but then realized that this entry was going to be even longer than my summary of the Jade era. Your entire channel - YOUR ENTIRE SENSE OF SELF - has been built upon your endless collection of 'traumatic childhood memories'. So much, in fact, that your entire WLS therapy was hijacked by it, instead of being used to work on your relationship with food!...
... Oh, okay, I'll share a couple: Amber had a pet baby chick AT THE SAME TIME as she had a pet snake. And the two of them were the best of friends - and the snake never ate the chick. Also, Amber loved the smell of Vicks VapoRub so much that she actually ATE SOME. Okay, back to the (shit)show.
Amber claims she was about 12 in this picture. Wow, "DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEEEEEE"? To be serious for a moment, this confuses her weight timeline, as she claimed she was 290lbs by the time she was 11 - and she does NOT look THAT big in this picture. Oh, gee, what a surprise; ANOTHER LIE.
3 years later, Amber wrote a poem about it, which she still has to this day.... yet she wasn't able to save a single SCRAP of evidence from her Blue Team Soccer days, or her chor-e-oh-griffing awards, or any of her other absurd claims. Zenomorph already posted the picture, and I am NOT typing out the poem. [SKIP]
Amber talks about how she misses brother #2, but is so excited what brother #3 found her family. What she leaves out is that brother #3 FOUND HER FIRST, AND SHE BLOCKED HIM! He only managed to reconnect with the family because he didn't give up and eventually found MethMama (who then contacted Amber about it). Remember? It was the day when Jenny Craig became a Jenny Bye-Bye.
Amber hopes that her other baby brother finds her someday - so she can also assume he's a haydur and block him, too!
JUMPCUT!! Back on the couch. Nothing interesting in the mirror. She's making a "store list"... you gonna try shopping without your personal uber? Oh, it's because she's trying to figure out what she wants to do with her life (I've never heard of a 'store list' in regards to self-improvement journaling, hmmm...) Anyway, that's easy: you want to spend your life making lists - it's the only thing you actually put effort into.
OKAY, in all fairness you also dedicate all of your energy into finding new and creative ways to break yourself, so that the person you've parasitically attached yourself to has to spend all of her time and energy into trying to fix you again in order to prove their worthiness to you. This would totally qualify as what you 'want to do with your life'.
"I need to find myself...." Did you check by the fridge? In your videos, we often find you there.
"All I have is myself, and if I didn't even have myself.... I don't know..."
FREEZE FRAMES!!
(Lay off the fucking gummies, Amber).
Is anyone else finding it hilarious that the solution to her problems is to stop navel gazing and be productive, and yet she tries to solve the problem by gazing DEEPER? Oh yeah, and you showed us how deep you truly are (during the belly-button fiasco of 2019). If you go any deeper to 'find yourself', you might get lost in there and rescue crews will never find you.
"It's really hard to notice weight loss on my body, and it's really hard to notice weight GAIN on my body". BITCH YOUR EARS ARE GONE! AT THIS POINT, RAY CHARLES COULD SEE YOUR WEIGHT GAIN!
Amber feels guilty about losing weight, because taking care of herself instead of gaining weight would make it look like she didn't care about Folgers. Bitch you went from 466lbs to 520lbs IN 5 MONTHS while dating her. You went from 368 to "572.4" (600) while in relationships with women whom you claimed to have loved with all of your heart. Everyone already KNOWS you didn't give a fuck about her (or any of the others), and that there's 9.5 years of video evidence of you using your weight to isolate and enslave your gorlfriends. At this point, it would actually involve LESS ENERGY for you to just put the fork down and FUCK RIGHT OFF.
"I feel guilty because why didn't I lose weight while I was with her?" Read by previous statement and FUCK OFF.
Amber laughs during her cry, because even she can't pretend this bullshit is real.
OMG there's still 4 minutes left...
Amber's now trying to convince herself she doesn't need to feel guilty about taking care of herself. We've seen this play out:
1] You'll find another gorl
2] You'll lose weight and bathe to PROVE that all you need from them is a little emotional support
3] You'll get your hooks in, then demand 24/7 soothing while you blimp out again.
This is a cyle you will run until you die - or until can't find another gorlfriend. Go take a shower, brush your hair, put on clean clothing, and get back to fatfishing and get this wheel turning again. LET'S GO!
... want to eat healthier... take out the junk... something something weight loss is easy... [SKIP]
"Word vomit" Hey! The first truthful statement she's made this entire video!
... broken.... lost.... grieving... [SKIP]
... something about her store list again ... and an upcoming grocery haul. SO IT WAS A SHOPPING LIST FOR GROCERIES AND NOT A JOURNALING EXERCISE FOR SELF-IMPROVEMENT! ARRRRGGH SHE'S ANNOYING!! [SKIP]
"If I saw anyone going through that *I* was going through, my heart would go out to them". When Becky was trying to cope with her mother's death and was comforting herself with the idea of her mother in heaven, AMBER TOLD HER something like "God isn't real; your mother's just gone".
This isn't my single era... it's my heartbreak era... and I really wish people were more kind". Hmmm... I can't seem to find my sympathy bone...
Also, Amber can never experience heartbreak, as she loves no one but herself.
