TeahAl
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Dec 10, 2015
As per your request, for yall's viewing pleasure - there are spaces between the paragraphs! (GASP). Plus to be honest, i'm just posting it here because this site gets spidered often, so if it's over your head, then maybe it's not for you 
. Honesty is best policy, right?!
On another note, I also have to edit this now.. as my frustration and anger got the best of me, again just being honest. I am usually better than this.. and I hate that I perhaps jumped the gun a bit and made some very acidic remarks, that I can only fix in this post, and have to own up to having posted it in the first place, but I am, and if this all is for nothing then I am sorry, but my gut tells me otherwise. It's a confusing world out there.. And I am just trying to go through it in one peace if possible.
Sometimes it's very hard to know if what you are seeing is a planetary size ineptitude coupled with a bad luck of monumental proportions, or a repeated attempt at an ambient mindfuck, since those are elusive by definition, and may look similar. Almost no one else sees it, but it cuts deep, and it leaves scars, especially as it opens up old wounds, perhaps those that have never really healed.
And yes it is true that I have met and was raised by and dated a bunch of manipulators and that to "break" those types all you have to do is to recognize them and insinuate that you know of their true nature, but sometimes I do not accept the defeat until the knife is in my back and I am bleeding out emotionally from a dozen of wounds so masterfully placed no one can understand what has happened.
It is also true that every few months I see one coming out of woodworks and usually do know what time it is the first few minutes I deal with them, but things are actually not so simple, because whether I want to admit to myself or not, the hope that there is a real person behind this impenetrable or ephemeral or ridiculous mask dies last. I do still, almost instinctively end up taking them through their cycle pretty fast, but it's not really fun at all. It's draining, and confusing and often I get hurt and angry, but I feel stuck and unable to disconnect, and it is the only way I can still function is to try and exhort some control over the essentially uncontrollable situation, any control ..however small. It does feel good to know that they think they are pulling one over you, but you actually pegged them a while ago. Experience is vital, but I also do it because unfortunately there is just no healthy way to relate to them, so it's always a power struggle. I find it meaningless and a waste for energy and time and for them it's life, their bread and butter. And at the end I can only ask them was that it? Was that all you wanted? Winning at this stupid "fight" over some diddly fucks was what you cared for all along?
One can gauge someone's character based on their ability to be honest with themselves and on how they handle theirs and others vulnerability. Manipulators will seek yours out, they will use it against you, however subversively. They are calculated, they retreat when they sniff out that you are onto them, they will seem innocent for a while, but they can't do it forever, they will make a mistake. And so I am steping away and watching, waiting for a mistake. Because I am stupid enough to not listen completely to my screaming gut instinct for some reason, and call it a day. An 'SOS' written with red flags so big it can be seen from space.. I guess I won't settle until I will suffer a blow, as this piddly little digs just don't add up to something I can base my conclusion on yet, at least not in this case. So I will wait. And yes there were multiple stealthy digs, complete nonsense of this ambiguous "word salad", innuendos and hidden messages, but I will wait and see so I can consciously say that I am 100% sure, and it wont be only my intuition whispering things. And if I am wrong, then I am a horrible unhinged person, which wouldn't be a major surprise.. but time will tell, may tell .. if I will ever find out for sure.
12.20.2015... It's enough. I am done. I am not going down that rabbit hole. Good luck.
. Honesty is best policy, right?! On another note, I also have to edit this now.. as my frustration and anger got the best of me, again just being honest. I am usually better than this.. and I hate that I perhaps jumped the gun a bit and made some very acidic remarks, that I can only fix in this post, and have to own up to having posted it in the first place, but I am, and if this all is for nothing then I am sorry, but my gut tells me otherwise. It's a confusing world out there.. And I am just trying to go through it in one peace if possible.
Sometimes it's very hard to know if what you are seeing is a planetary size ineptitude coupled with a bad luck of monumental proportions, or a repeated attempt at an ambient mindfuck, since those are elusive by definition, and may look similar. Almost no one else sees it, but it cuts deep, and it leaves scars, especially as it opens up old wounds, perhaps those that have never really healed.
And yes it is true that I have met and was raised by and dated a bunch of manipulators and that to "break" those types all you have to do is to recognize them and insinuate that you know of their true nature, but sometimes I do not accept the defeat until the knife is in my back and I am bleeding out emotionally from a dozen of wounds so masterfully placed no one can understand what has happened.
It is also true that every few months I see one coming out of woodworks and usually do know what time it is the first few minutes I deal with them, but things are actually not so simple, because whether I want to admit to myself or not, the hope that there is a real person behind this impenetrable or ephemeral or ridiculous mask dies last. I do still, almost instinctively end up taking them through their cycle pretty fast, but it's not really fun at all. It's draining, and confusing and often I get hurt and angry, but I feel stuck and unable to disconnect, and it is the only way I can still function is to try and exhort some control over the essentially uncontrollable situation, any control ..however small. It does feel good to know that they think they are pulling one over you, but you actually pegged them a while ago. Experience is vital, but I also do it because unfortunately there is just no healthy way to relate to them, so it's always a power struggle. I find it meaningless and a waste for energy and time and for them it's life, their bread and butter. And at the end I can only ask them was that it? Was that all you wanted? Winning at this stupid "fight" over some diddly fucks was what you cared for all along?
One can gauge someone's character based on their ability to be honest with themselves and on how they handle theirs and others vulnerability. Manipulators will seek yours out, they will use it against you, however subversively. They are calculated, they retreat when they sniff out that you are onto them, they will seem innocent for a while, but they can't do it forever, they will make a mistake. And so I am steping away and watching, waiting for a mistake. Because I am stupid enough to not listen completely to my screaming gut instinct for some reason, and call it a day. An 'SOS' written with red flags so big it can be seen from space.. I guess I won't settle until I will suffer a blow, as this piddly little digs just don't add up to something I can base my conclusion on yet, at least not in this case. So I will wait. And yes there were multiple stealthy digs, complete nonsense of this ambiguous "word salad", innuendos and hidden messages, but I will wait and see so I can consciously say that I am 100% sure, and it wont be only my intuition whispering things. And if I am wrong, then I am a horrible unhinged person, which wouldn't be a major surprise.. but time will tell, may tell .. if I will ever find out for sure.
12.20.2015... It's enough. I am done. I am not going down that rabbit hole. Good luck.
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I dont gloat, people with NPD gloat. I just let them see what they do, sometimes at my own expense. Ever dealt with one?
