Bad Game Reviews - Did you actually play the damn game?

[LightDragonman1]

This review of DMC3 by a formerly popular Youtuber (and I mean back when the site was still in its infancy) really takes the cake for me. A few choice quotes:

"I think my hatred for Dante stems from who he is and what he is, with all due respect, is an insufferable c***! He's that guy you went to college with is what I'm getting at. That guy who thinks he's God's gift to the world, acts like he's so much better than everyone else that it becomes all the more delightful watching him get his s*** ruined by someone else. Or to put it another way, he's that character I tend to notice in a lot of Japanese media.

The borderline self insert wish fulfilment who is ABSOLUTELY FLAWLESS in the cinematics of the game. Pulling gravity and logic defying bulls**t as a means to show off or convey to the audience "SHOWER THIS CHARACTER WITH AWE AND RESPECT!" yet when the game begins after a 10 minute cutscene you can't even replicate what you just witnessed. It's one thing to tell us characters such as Dante or Lightning from Final Fantasy are "awesome" yet unless we can actually do the utter bollocks you cram into the cutscenes then the character is only awesome because you say so.

Now Batman as much as I'm loathed to admit this IS awesome, for in the Arkham Games you CAN do all the shit he does in cutscenes. I guess you can say he's awesomely consistent. It's not really Dante's fault but it's a design choice I've come to loathe with Japanese games. An unnecessarily long opening cinematic, showcasing what the director would like us to think about their special little character, which in most cases has the opposite effect. Maybe I'm cut from a different cloth but I don't go for what I consider "a 13 year olds idea of awesome!" but if you've read my series you'll notice I tend to go for a misogynistic wanker who gets his ass kicked faster than you can say "Can I grab your tits?"

Raiden is a character I long suspected of this bulls**t, but in Metal Gear Rising you are able to perform crazier s**t in gameplay so I'll admit I was wrong about my break dancing cyborg ninja friend. So while Raiden from Metal Gear Rising dodged this accusation, I have a special place in Hell reserved for the likes of Dante and Lighting. Self insert mother....."

“The way the game began, I figured it was something akin to Zombie Revenge mixed with Streets of Rage. Two small locations that connect together with baddies to clear before progressing. If the game kept to that formula I'd be singing a different tune, but it couldn't resist trying to honour it's RE roots with bullshit puzzles!
If you've played any hack & slasher before then you're pretty adjusted to play DMC 3. The game is pretty difficult if I'm being perfectly honest and will punish you for the slightest slip up. It gives you all of these means of dishing out the punishment when using the basic sword and guns does the job pretty well. It can take a REALLY long time to use the guns on that Cerberus boss near the start.

The flying centipede boss was another one that tested my patience until I figured out what I had to do. I tried my strategy to snipe away at it with my little pistols but what I was supposed to do was jump on it's back and hack it. I suppose it was "to be more AWESOME!" well excuse me game for taking a strategic approach to my warfare. Because some of us prefer to snipe our targets from a distance instead of run into convenient slashing distance.

Mike: Wait, you used the guns? You're supposed to get up close. You were literally shooting from a distance? That must of took awhile.

Me: You don't know the patience I have. Sadly, that patience did run out near the part I lost my 15th life.

Mike: Oh yeah, cus Crow said you had to beat the game in 15 lives, which you didn't which funn....

Me: points at the filing cabinet

Mike: ..... I'll be good.“

I honestly can't believe I ever liked watching and reading his takes.

 

[Jonah Hill poster]

also chill its not that serious

Nah, I actually like your movies Scarlett. Besides, Shelley would love Death Stranding if it had her doing background screaming noises for the oil like spirits trying to capture Sam.

 

[Nero You're DeadWeight]

I'm unsure if this fits the thread, but I have nowhere else to talk about this.
I remember in a recent game informer I was given they did a review for that Judgement eye's game? The Yakuza spin off. Anyways, the review started off with WARNING: SEXUAL ASSULT MENTION. It was boiled down to GOOD GAMEPLAY AND EVERYTHING BUT HOW DARE YOU HAVE SEXUAL ASSULT IN THIS GAME.

Here's the link and i'll copy paste it all below. This was printed in an actual magazine btw.

Spoiler: This is so fucking long holy shit

(Content warning for mentions of sexual assault)

Is revenge ever justified? Can a person take justice into their own hands and live with the weight of their choice, or should it always be left to a flawed judicial system that can and will betray the people it's designed to protect? These are the core questions at the heart of Lost Judgment, the latest game from Yakuza developer Ryu Ga Gotoku and sequel to its 2019 detective-action brawler Judgment.

Lost Judgment’s story focuses on two major topics: justice and revenge. Yagami’s journey explores how these two concepts are intertwined. Throughout dozens of hours, the game examines what people are willing to do in search of justice, the failings of the criminal justice system, and how society often fails victims of violence and abuse.

Lost Judgment tackles difficult topics like bullying, murder, and suicide. While it shows the often brutal and tragic realities in excruciating detail, it approaches sensitive issues with care and empathy. Lost Judgment highlights real-world issues, how they affect people, and offers potential solutions for these problems. The game’s cast, full of new and returning characters, brings the story to life through well-acted cutscenes. I especially loved the antagonists, who were always painted sympathetically despite doing evil things. I found myself commiserating with them, even if I disagreed with their actions. Lost Judgment’s care and grace in navigating these topics is refreshing, and I enjoyed playing through a story that treats them maturely and smartly. With one major exception.

Lost Judgment’s handling of sexual assault is a mess. Following the #MeToo movement, a plot point that casts doubt on the truthfulness of a victim’s story is, frankly, irresponsible and reinforces negative views towards women who come forward with stories of abuse. Using sexual assault as a plotline, in this case, feels weak and shocking for the sake of shock. This is especially egregious when the narrative tosses that character aside once her usefulness as a plot device is over, forgoing any resolution to her character arc. I found this plot beat incredibly disappointing in a game that otherwise took care in sensitive storytelling. This cast a shadow over the rest of my playthrough, souring me on a story I otherwise enjoyed. I truly hated engaging with all of these moments in the game.

The action should be familiar if you’ve played RGG’s other games, such as the Yakuza series or Judgment. You spend a lot of your time walking around two open worlds – Kamurocho and Ijincho – getting into brutal street fights and chasing story threads around town. Judgment’s investigation mechanics carry over from the previous game and largely remain unchanged; you look around for clues and later present those clues as evidence, which like the first game, is a nice way to break up combat-focused sections.

Lost Judgment introduces two new mechanics to the series: stealth and parkour. Both are poorly implemented and tedious. Stealth is rudimentary and linear – go to this hiding spot, throw a coin to lure guards away, rinse and repeat. Parkour is somewhat engaging, but the game frequently forces you into investigation mode to find the handholds you need to get around an area. This kills the pacing, especially during the climax of the game where I was constantly stopped so I could search around for where to climb
Combat is the highlight of Lost Judgment’s gameplay. Yagami is fluid and fast, and the inclusion of the three different fighting types from the first game, which you can swap between on the fly, feels fantastic. I loved encountering a room of enemies and using the three fighting styles to take out each person systematically – especially Snake, which allows for quick take-downs and the ability to disarm enemies. RGG’s iconic heat actions return, and they are as brutal and over-the-top as ever. I loved the combat in Lost Judgment so much that I often found myself just walking around the open world looking for trouble.

By the time credits rolled, I had trouble sorting out my feelings. On the one hand, Lost Judgment’s story is very moving, and I enjoyed exploring the characters' emotions. And there were parts I simply loved playing, such as beating the holy hell out of bad guys. But at the end of the day, Lost Judgment commits a few unforgivable sins. Its handling of sexual assault is wildly irresponsible, and the new gameplay mechanics do little to help it stand out over RGG's other games. If you’re already invested in the Judgment series or RGG’s games in general, then I’d say still check it out. But don't expect this journey into Japan's underworld to have nearly the impact of a game like Yakuza 0 or Like A Dragon.

 

[Bread Fetishist]

This review of DMC3 by a formerly popular Youtuber (and I mean back when the site was still in its infancy) really takes the cake for me. A few choice quotes:


I honestly can't believe I ever liked watching and reading his takes.

To pull off techniques of that calibre, you just have to, you know, git gud. Just look at all the combo videos.

 

[ShitlordroltihS]

why make more final fantasys, no one is going to go back and play all 15 of them just to play the new one. and if they do decide to play the new one they'll be lost af becuase they didn't play the last 17 games

 

[You're The Man Now Dog]

That time Polygon thought that it was a good idea to have Ben Kuchera review a VR gun game.

View attachment 2866198

Oh god, I remember this. When I first saw it I thought it was a joke. I thought someone spliced together game footage and some dork's slam poetry. It's like a parody of everything wrong with coast-dwelling assholes. But it's not a parody at all. It's real.

 

[Coolio55]

why make more final fantasys, no one is going to go back and play all 15 of them just to play the new one. and if they do decide to play the new one they'll be lost af becuase they didn't play the last 17 games

I'm still confused by the stupid numbering for the FIFA series.
First it jumps from 1 to 95. Then from 99 to 2000. Then from 2005 back to 6!
What the fuck were they smoking?!

 

[Product Intervention]

I don't buy it to be honest. I really don't. But by all means you can support the Smelly Norman Reedus Urine Walking Baby Postal Service Simulator

also chill its not that serious

Death Stranding was horse shit.

I get what Kojima was going for and see how it could be a comfy game. But it is still shit. If the game didn't have a big name attached to it, you would have passed.

 

[Scarlett Johansson]

Death Stranding was horse shit.

I get what Kojima was going for and see how it could be a comfy game. But it is still shit. If the game didn't have a big name attached to it, you would have passed.

Can you imagine of David Cage did it lol

 

[Product Intervention]

Can you imagine of David Cage did it lol

Press X to consume fetus.

Press O to feel feelings.

 

[Jean Lafitte 1812]

Atari pays off a magazine for a good review and gets caught, permanently crashing the Driver series.

 

[Product Intervention]

Atari pays off a magazine for a good review and gets caught, permanently crashing the Driver series.

Is that what happened to Driver? I think I remember enjoying the first one.

 

[LightDragonman1]

To pull off techniques of that calibre, you just have to, you know, git gud. Just look at all the combo videos.

He actually did acknowledge that, only to smugly brush it off as "him being strategic".

The flying centipede boss was another one that tested my patience until I figured out what I had to do. I tried my strategy to snipe away at it with my little pistols but what I was supposed to do was jump on it's back and hack it. I suppose it was "to be more AWESOME!" well excuse me game for taking a strategic approach to my warfare. Because some of us prefer to snipe our targets from a distance instead of run into convenient slashing distance.

Mike: Wait, you used the guns? You're supposed to get up close. You were literally shooting from a distance? That must of took awhile.

Me: You don't know the patience I have. Sadly, that patience did run out near the part I lost my 15th life.

Mike: Oh yeah, cus Crow said you had to beat the game in 15 lives, which you didn't which funn....

Me: points at the filing cabinet

Mike: ..... I'll be good.“

It's very telling that he prefers characters like Batman because he "doesn't conform to a 13-year old's idea of awesomeness", calling characters like Dante little more than self-inserts.

Now Batman as much as I'm loathed to admit this IS awesome, for in the Arkham Games you CAN do all the shit he does in cutscenes. I guess you can say he's awesomely consistent. It's not really Dante's fault but it's a design choice I've come to loathe with Japanese games. An unnecessarily long opening cinematic, showcasing what the director would like us to think about their special little character, which in most cases has the opposite effect. Maybe I'm cut from a different cloth but I don't go for what I consider "a 13 year olds idea of awesome!" but if you've read my series you'll notice I tend to go for a misogynistic wanker who gets his ass kicked faster than you can say "Can I grab your tits?"

Raiden is a character I long suspected of this bulls**t, but in Metal Gear Rising you are able to perform crazier s**t in gameplay so I'll admit I was wrong about my break dancing cyborg ninja friend. So while Raiden from Metal Gear Rising dodged this accusation, I have a special place in Hell reserved for the likes of Dante and Lighting. Self insert mother....."

The lack of self-awareness is honestly astounding. How I ever took that guy seriously all those years ago is beyond me.

 

[Smaug's Smokey Hole]

He actually did acknowledge that, only to smugly brush it off as "him being strategic".


It's very telling that he prefers characters like Batman because he "doesn't conform to a 13-year old's idea of awesomeness", calling characters like Dante little more than self-inserts.

The lack of self-awareness is honestly astounding. How I ever took that guy seriously all those years ago is beyond me.

Who is he? I clicked the link and it led to deviantart and my eyes glazed over.

 

[Basic Blonde Boy]

Do reviews where the reviewer spends the majority bitching about their audience count. I like Lambhoot, but he turned his Battle For Bikini Bottom Rehydrated review into an almost hour long sperging fest about how people don’t appreciate his vids past SpongeBob, then proceeded to review TLOU2 for 3/4s of the vid before bitching about SpongeBob for about 10 minutes.

 

[Jean Lafitte 1812]

Is that what happened to Driver? I think I remember enjoying the first one.

GTA: San Andreas is what happened to the series. Atari's choice was to rush the game to beat GTA: San Andreas to shelves or release after and be considered an inferior knockoff. San Andreas is still considered one of the best open world crime games of all time, so Driv3r was doomed either way.

It's unfortunate too, because the PS1 and GBA Driver games were miles ahead of GTA at the time. Driv3r languished in development and let GTA constantly improve during the PS2 era. Although apparently Driv3r is alright after patches and I've heard decent things about Ubisoft's reboots of it, Driv3r's infamy ruined it all in the end.

 

[Activelo]

 

[Slap47]

Can I gripe about how most reviews these days aren't actual reviews but just abridged playthroughs?
You didn't tell me if I should bother playing the game, you did it for me from beginning to end while bringing up all the twists and now I don't have to.

That's pretty much what all YouTubers do. Weirdly enough, the only one I can think of that doesn't do that is Sseth. They usually just sort of hint at stuff.

 

[LightDragonman1]

Who is he? I clicked the link and it led to deviantart and my eyes glazed over.

To make a long story short, he is known as RandomDCE, and was one of the very first popular Youtubers when it was still starting out in its infancy. He obviously was inspired by the likes of Yahtzee, and his rants such as his "Handy-Dandy Guides On How To Make X Watchable, Enjoyable, And Complaint-Free" earned him tons of subscribers and associates on the site.

He's obviously slipped well past his hey-day, but he still makes sprite comics and rants on sites like that, as he loves to make the latter.

 

[Juan But Not Forgotten]

Atari pays off a magazine for a good review and gets caught, permanently crashing the Driver series.

I wanted to talk about this, but you beat me to it. Not to mention, that they wiped all the traces of this controvercy in the end, including some that were archived. But to be fair Driver began stirring towards GTA formula since part 2 and then it got worse.