Big Al's Epitaph

Behold the Sprite Zero river running through my beloved hick town.
You who seek the Golden Arches, follow its path down the street in search of the key.

As you waddle down it, you will see a kitchen.
In that kitchen, look for the fridge the Thumb will tell you of.
There sleeps the key to the Golden Arches.

The one who obtains the key must then travel to the Golden Arches in accordance with these rules.

On the first twilight, offer the five hundred elbees chosen by the key as sacrifices.
On the second twilight, those who remain shall tear apart the two who aren't very close.
On the third twilight, those who remain shall praise my dainty curvez.
On the fourth twilight, eat the sushi and gain.
On the fifth twilight, eat the Cheetos and gain.
On the sixth twilight, eat the Reese's and gain.
On the seventh twilight, eat the cheeseburger and gain.
On the eighth twilight, eat the nachos and gain.
On the ninth twilight, the cycle shall repeat, and none shall be surprised.
On the tenth twilight, at diet's end, you shall attain to the power of the Golden Arch's treasures, once and for the last time.

The gorl shall show them layyygs and bestow four treasures.
One shall be all the nugs from the Golden Arches.
One shall be the loss of all the elbees.
One shall be the resurrection of the love with Destiny that was lost.
One shall be to put the gorl to sleep for all time (RIP).

Sleep peacefully, my beloved gorl, Amberlynn. Point blank, period.
 
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My last in a series of very low-rent efforts. An oldie but a goodie Screenshot_20200617-203956_kindlephoto-276154315.png
 
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Was bored, so I thought I'd write Big AL's funeral song. Hopefully Miley Cyrus won't be too grief stricken to sing it. To the tune of Candle in the Wind, here is...
‘Dead at 29, cos you’d sooner eat than live’

Goodbye Amber Lynn,
From us dispecktful pieces of shit,
You used to piss and shit yourself,
While those around said they couldn't smell it.
MethMom crawled out of the woodwork,
And she whispered in your tiny brain,
Send the Thumb Butler to the basement.
...I nearly forgot the washed up pornstar, who made you change your name.

And it seems to me you’re dead at 29, cos you’d sooner eat than live,
Accusing someone of rain and petals eavesdrop,
Even though they never did.
What makes it worse is that you were a grown-ass adult,
And she was just an underage kid.
Your huge candle collection will keep on burning, longer than your period hole ever bled.

A dainty, weight loss gorl was the toughest role you ever played,
YouTube coin created a binge monster,
And being in a grave at 29, was the price you paid.
Even when you lied, you still pretended it wasn't you,
All the haydurs had to say ‘was never again, would Thumby have to clean up your poop’
And it seems to me you’re dead at 29, cos you’d sooner eat than live,
Destiny’s gone, cos you’ve no more coin to pay her, to tolerate your shit.
The hysterectomy was God’s way of asking how you’re doeeen? but He’s not allowing you a kid.
Your hymen was broken long before, your Gyno ever did.

Goodbye Amber Lynn,
No more walkeen to the tree.
The Thumb Butler was in on it,
When you tried to scam us with Go Fund Me.
Goodbye Amber Lynn,
You ignored Twinkie’s cries of pain,
You went to Cheesecake Factory,
Now its your turn, I hope Thumby and the Fags just do the same.

And it seems to me you’re dead at 29, cos it was mookbangs or to live,
You were our dainty valley girl, as well as doctor/lawyer/nutritionist.
Why did you always make sure, your real weight was hid?
Why did all your girlfriends look like 12-year old, special needs kids?
In the end we only watched for one reason….
But show legs - you never did...
 
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