Cookbook / Recipe Sharing thread

[Pencilvester]

Grandma Eileen's Congo Bars
My grandmother hated cooking so much she used to say she'd eat ground glass if someone else would make it for her, so she loved this recipe because it requires next to no effort. For an authentic cooking experience, try to bring up as many of your grudges as possible while you make the recipe. Bonus points if the person you're holding a grudge against is dead.

• 13 1/2 oz (1 box) of graham crackers
• 2 sticks unsalted butter, melted
• ~2 cups chocolate chips
• ~2 cups roughly chopped pecans
• ~2 cups sweetened coconut flakes
• 14 oz. can of sweetened condensed milk

1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Crush the graham crackers then combine with the melted butter. Press the mixture into a 13" x 9" baking dish.
2. First put the chocolate, then the pecans, and finally the coconut flakes on top of the graham cracker crust. Pour the condensed milk over the coconut flakes.
3. Bake in the oven for 30 minutes.
4. Serve hot out of the oven or chill in the fridge for a few hours to firm up the crust. It's pretty damn tasty either way.

 

[skaytec]

Casserole ribs with potatoes.
You will need:
_1 full pork's rib
_6 potatoes
_1 onion
_3 tomatoes
_1 pepper and 1 pimento
_Olive oil
_Beer or white wine
_ Sweet paprika
_Salt
First, you pour the olive oil on the casserole and heat it, then you add the cutted onion, pepper, pimento and the tomatoes and stir-fry them. After that, you add the rib and let it cook for 5 minutes, cut the potatoes in tiny pieces and cover them with the wine or beer and olive oil, spread some sweet paprika. Wait for one hour until the casserole is set with the olive oil and the beer or wine. Serve it hot.

 

[SpessCaptain]

I feel like the open cook book deserves to be stickied.

 

[Null]

I feel like the open cook book deserves to be stickied.

You're wrong. A thread that is ALREADY POPULAR and that gets consistent posts does not need to be stickied because it's already right where it belongs. A stickied thread is a high-importance, low-response thread.

 

[neverendingmidi]

You're wrong. A thread that is ALREADY POPULAR and that gets consistent posts does not need to be stickied because it's already right where it belongs. A stickied thread is a high-importance, low-response thread.

Under that definition, why is the Random Tumblr Posts thread stickied?

 

[Null]

Under that definition, why is the Random Tumblr Posts thread stickied?

Because when I unsticky shit people think it's a mistake and re-sticky it.

 

[Sexy Rexxy]

You may think you know how to cook a steak, but Gordon Ramsay tells you how to do it in less than 3 minutes.

It's seriously worth a watch.

So i followed this method and it came out OK. I did modify it:

1) instead of just smashing the garlic, I peeled it and minced it (then smashed)
2) whenever i pan sear steaks, i always have to cook them longer just to get them to be not raw. a few extra minutes for medium rare. this may be due to the fact that i have an electric cooktop.
3) i made some egg noodles and threw them into the frond (the shit left over in the pan after u cook the steak) with some extra butter for a side

The garlic and thyme was good with the steak- i usually don't use garlic in steak. i should have put another spice when i added the noodles, but couldnt think of one. overall decent lunch 7.5/10.

 

[Dr. Boe Jangles Esq.]

Alright you pack of fucking degenerates, Dr. Jangles is gonna hook you faggots up. I've posted a few recipes that required you to not be a fucking dumbass, but what if you're a degenerate sack of monkey shit that doesn't know fuck about cooking because you're 35 and only just moved out of mom's house? What if you're broke as shit and can't afford any meat that costs more than 6 bucks for like 2-3 fucking pounds of it?
Well strap in, cocksucker, because Jangles is about to teach you the simplest, cheapest recipe in the fucking universe that will produce food with almost zero effort, skill, or money on your part. So without further ado:

Dr. Jangles Dickslapping-Delicious Pulled Pork Sandwiches

Ingredients:
1 Boston Pork Roast (It's the cheap shit covered in netting at the grocery store. Pay no more than $2.25 a pound, and it should be way less)
1 tbsp Vegetable oil
A BBQ sauce you like (Go for a smokier blend)
1 bottle apple cider vinegar
A healthy pinch of brown sugar
1 tsp mustard powder
A dash of Worcestershire sauce
1/4 of an onion, diced
1 clove garlic, minced
1 tbsp chili powder
salt and pepper
Buns (With sesame seeds, don't be a tightass)
Pickle Chips (if you like them)

Prep Time: Like 5 minutes, you pussy

Cook Time: Like 12 hours, so make it in the morning, go to work/school, and you'll have dinner ready when you get home. Don't have a job/classes? Take this time to go get one or the other, you fucking disgrace.

Instructions:
Now strap in, bitches, because this here is some secret shit. See, pork roast has a fuckton of connective tissues, which usually make meat tough and stringy. But you can circumvent God's punishment for your poverty by cooking this shit in the crockpot on a low heat over a long ass time, which will break it down and make it as tender and succulent as a suitably crass metaphor I'd put in here if I gave enough of a shit. A sandwich makes it easy to take to work or class, and will help keep you full long after your fucking arugula salad left you high and dry.

So what you're gonna do is put your oil in the bottom of the crockpot, then stuff your roast in that shit. Rotate it a bit so you get oil all over it. Then you're gonna put all your dry spices, plus the Worcestershire on that shit and try to get it covered evenly over the roast. Next, you're gonna pop in your onions and garlic, because they taste better when they stew with it. Don't slack off mincing the garlic or you'll have big chunks that are gross and will fuck it all up.
Now you're gonna add your BBQ sauce (I recommend a smokey/sweet one) and get that even coverage we've been talking about.
Last but not least, it's time to fill this whole mess up to the brim with the vinegar, put the crockpot on the "Low" setting, and fuck off for about 12 hours or so.
Now you can shred it with a fork, drain the crockpot of the liquid (Most, but not all of it), toast you up some buns, pile it on those buns, add pickle chips and BBQ sauce or whatever, and you got yourself a meal with the bare minimum amount of work that can be required by a human being to create real food. Grats.

It's juicy, delicious, and so easy that ever our most NEET-tastic members can't fuck this up.
Eat real food. Pretend you're a person. Have delicious pig meat.
You're fucking welcome.

 

[Sparklepants]

I'm making oxtails, so I guess I'll share my grandma'a recipe. It's not fast, but it's delicious and really easy.

Guiso de cola-
4lbs oxtail
1 onion
4 cloves of garlic
3 scallions
3 cups beef broth
2 carrots
1 cup crushed tomatoes
8 small/new potatoes
1/2 tsp cumin
1/4 tsp ground achiote
1/4 cilantro
Salt and pepper
Prepared white rice

Prep time: idk like technically 8 hours?

Cook time: again idk like 5 hours.

How to:
Chop all your onion, garlic, and scallions, then place in a pot with the oxtails. Season with salt and pepper and marinate for at least four hours, preferably overnight, stirring when you remember about it.
Once your oxtails have sat a while, add enough water to cover the oxtails and bring it to a boil. Reduce the heat and let it simmer for like two hours, adding more water so that the water level stays above the oxtails.
While that's doing it's thing, peel your carrots and cut them into large chunks, partially peel your potatoes (grandma uses red potatoes, I use fingerling potatoes. If you have access to papas criollas use those and know I hate you.)
Add the broth and tomatoes. I use better than bouillon, use whatever kind of beef broth you have laying around. Bring it back to a boil then down to a simmer for another hour and a half, again stirring when you remember/feel like it.
Add the carrots, potatoes, cumin and achiote. Let it simmer for another 30 minutes or until everything is tender.
Serve with white rice and cilantro, unless you're weird and don't like cilantro.

I'm translating this from a recipe in Spanish without measurements, so it might be a little off. Either way it's delicious.

 

[The Lizard Queen]

My favorite diet food.

Ingredients:
1 cup cold water.

Instructions:
Drink water. Repeat as needed.

 

[AA 102]

Okay this is a really simple recipe that gives great results.

Ingredients:

• A jar of pepperoncinis
• 3lbs beef roast (really any cut you want)

Cooking instructions:

• Put beef in slow cooker.
• Pour pepperoncinis over beef.
• Slow cook for 6-8 hours.
• Pull beef apart after cooking.

Serving instructions:

• idgaf put it on a roll and make a sandwich or something

 

[Pigeon On A Stick]

Meemaw's Homestyle Mac and Cheese

Ingredients:

8 ounces of large or small elbow macaroni noodles (other noodles may be used if necessary)
2 tablespoons of baker's butter
2 tablespoons of flour
1/2 a teaspoon of salt
1/2 a teaspoon of ground mustard (pre- grinded is okay, but grind mustardseed with a pestle and mortar for extra immersion!)
1 cup of milk
2 cups of shredded cheese (1 cup extra sharp cheddar, one cup standard American cheddar or mix in 1/2 cup shredded mozzerella)
a "spritz " of ground pepper (I'd say 1/8th a teaspoon)

Preparation
Pasta
Cook pasta according to the directions on the package it was enclosed in. Put aside.

Secret Sauce
In same pan, on medium low heat, melt butter, then add slowly the 2 tablespoons of flour, mixing until smooth. Then add milk. Heat until slightly bubbly. Add salt, ground mustard and pepper, mix and then slowly add cheese. Keep mixing until sauce thickens. Place cooked pasta into sauce, mix until it seems appropriate.

Spoiler: Voila! The finished meal.

 

[Ol' Slag]

MATERIALS:
1.) Lighter
2.) Glass Beaker
3.) Distilled Water
4.) Baking Soda
5.) Rubbing Alcohol


PREPARATION:
1.) Mix four-parts of cocaine to one-part of baking soda in glass beaker. (Yes, that IS a 4:1 ratio) I've done it by eye & found it's good not to exceed a 3:1 ratio.

2.) Begin adding a few drops of distilled water to the mix, adding only enough to turn the powder into a muddy sludge-like consistency. WARNING: Do NOT
add too much water or your coke will not harden up in the cooling process.

3.) Drench the cotton ball with rubbing alcohol in a thick metal or ceramic dish. Add only enough to completely saturate the ball.

THE COOKING PROCESS,
PART 1:
1.) Use the lighter to ignite the alcohol in the cottonball.
2.) While the cotton ball is burning, heat the
coke-sludge by swirling the beaker above the tip of the flame.
3.) Continue swirling until the substance comes to aboil, then remove it from the flame to cool.When your substance has cooled it should form a clump of solid "rock-bubbles."

PART 2:
4.) Add more distilled water to the beaker, enough tostand about 1/4 inch above the hardened bubbles.
5.) Re-heat the substance in the beaker. Whenthoroughly heated you will see a yellow massfloating in the center of the water as you continue to swirl the beaker.
You don't need to boil it, just heat it up until the hardened bubbles melt into a yellow coke-mass.

THE COOLING PROCESS:
1.) Once melted, remove the substance from the flame.
2.) Continue swirling the beaker, (trying to keep the yellow coke-blob in the center as you swirl) until thewater in the beaker has completely cooled.
3.) You should now have a solid yellow rock tinklingaround in your glass beaker. Remove the rock and cut to desired proportions.

 

[AnimuGinger]

MATERIALS:
1.) Lighter
2.) Glass Beaker
3.) Distilled Water
4.) Baking Soda
5.) Rubbing Alcohol


PREPARATION:
1.) Mix four-parts of cocaine to one-part of baking soda in glass beaker. (Yes, that IS a 4:1 ratio) I've done it by eye & found it's good not to exceed a 3:1 ratio.

2.) Begin adding a few drops of distilled water to the mix, adding only enough to turn the powder into a muddy sludge-like consistency. WARNING: Do NOT
add too much water or your coke will not harden up in the cooling process.

3.) Drench the cotton ball with rubbing alcohol in a thick metal or ceramic dish. Add only enough to completely saturate the ball.

THE COOKING PROCESS,
PART 1:
1.) Use the lighter to ignite the alcohol in the cottonball.
2.) While the cotton ball is burning, heat the
coke-sludge by swirling the beaker above the tip of the flame.
3.) Continue swirling until the substance comes to aboil, then remove it from the flame to cool.When your substance has cooled it should form a clump of solid "rock-bubbles."

PART 2:
4.) Add more distilled water to the beaker, enough tostand about 1/4 inch above the hardened bubbles.
5.) Re-heat the substance in the beaker. Whenthoroughly heated you will see a yellow massfloating in the center of the water as you continue to swirl the beaker.
You don't need to boil it, just heat it up until the hardened bubbles melt into a yellow coke-mass.

THE COOLING PROCESS:
1.) Once melted, remove the substance from the flame.
2.) Continue swirling the beaker, (trying to keep the yellow coke-blob in the center as you swirl) until thewater in the beaker has completely cooled.
3.) You should now have a solid yellow rock tinklingaround in your glass beaker. Remove the rock and cut to desired proportions.

Will black people buy it?

 

[Varg Did Nothing Wrong]

A bit of a simple recipe but if you have the requisite tools, it's pretty tasty.

What you need:

- Puff pastry
- Bacon or ham or something of that nature
- Sweet onion
- Cheese (whatever you like)
- A waffle iron

Take your puff pastry, roll it out so that it's a pretty thin piece. Ideally you want double the size of your waffle iron. Cut the pastry dough in half so you have 2 pieces the size of your waffle iron. Chop all your ingredients very finely - cheese should be shredded. Pile ingredients in the middle of your puff pastry, don't overfill it because you will end up with bukkake spraying out of your waffle iron as the cheese melts and pressure builds up inside. Cover your puff pastry and topping with the second half of the pastry dough, pinch the outer circumference of the dough. Heat your waffle iron and place the envelope inside, close it. It may need force to close and will make all sorts of crazy squealing noises due to the steam and whatnot. Cook until the pastry is dark golden brown.

Enjoy your delicious crispy croissant-waffle with ham, cheese and onion filling.

 

[MarkXT9000]

Here's mine, Chicken Tinola:
What do you need:
-One whole chicken cut into pieces
-medium Ginger roots cut into strips
-some cloves of Garlic
-few tbsp of cooking oil
-1 tbsp fish sos
-some small to med green papayas
-a chicken broth cube or just chicken broth
-half-cup of pepper leaves or horseradish
-a sliced onion

"Do you smell what The Rock is cookin" - The Rock 90s
How to cook it:
1. Saute the garlic, onion, and ginger inside of a saucepan with cooking oil
2. Add those cutted chickens in the saucepan and cook it for a few minutes, do not overcook or it will become fried
3. Add the fish sauce then mix it well
4. Put the water in the saucepan to boil and simmer it for 30 mins
5. After 30 mins, Add the chicken broth cube and chopped green papayas, then continue to simmer until the papayas are tender
6. After the papayas are tenderized, Add those leaves and the salt for better taste
7. Remove the saucepan from heat
8. Serve it like its hot

 

[Chicken Nugget Scoon]

Chicken Nugget Scoon's Patented Nachos

Ingredients;
-Big bag o' nachos, doritos, whatever brand and flavour you want.
-Slices of processed cheese.
-The hottest hot sauce you own.

How to cook;
1.Slap that shit together.
2.Blast it in the microwave for 75 seconds.
3.Enjoy your fucking disgusting nachos you fat whore/pig, apply which is appropriate.
4.Vomit from using too much hot sauce.

 

[Francis E. Dec Esc.]

Beef stroganoff

2 pounds ground beef
1 sliced onion
1 package of sliced mushrooms
16oz container of sour cream
2 tbsp Worcestershire sauce
Spices to taste, I used some hickory burger spice from Aldi
Olive oil

Brown the mushrooms and onions in the olive oil. Add the beef to the pan and cook until it's all brown. Drain off the fat. Add the Worcestershire sauce and cook for a few minutes. Turn the heat to low and add the sour cream. Season to taste.

 

[Smarmy]

Calves' Brains

Soak brains in cold water 1 hour. Bring to a boil. Add 1 tbsp vinegar. Reduce heat and let simmer for 15 minutes. Plunge into cold water. Remove membrane, all blood, and any dark pieces. Season with salt and pepper. Put in pan and cover with water. Bring almost to a boil. Remove to hot platter and serve with a white sauce.

 

[HG 400]

My favourite recipe

1 2 Liter Bottle (with cap)
1 1 Liter Bottle (get 2 caps for it)
1 20 oz. Bottle (with cap)
1 Quart Jar
2 ft. 1/4in. diameter rubber/plastic hose (aquarium hose works good)
Coffee Filters
1 Funnel
1 Tubing Cutter (go to Home Depot)
2 Plyers
1 Roll of Ductape or Electrical Tape 1 Blender or Food Processor

200 60mg Pseudophedrine HCL pills (Actifed, Sudafed, Suphedrine, etc.)
1 1/2 cups Ammonium Nitrate fertilizer (33-0-0)
3 cans starting fluid
3 AA Energizer Lithuim Batteries
1 bottle Red Devil brand Lye
2 caps of water (use the top off the 2 liter)
1 box Iodized Salt
1 bottle Liquid Fire brand drain opener


Procedure:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1) Rinse and dry out all of your bottles. Be sure to get ALL of the
moisture out. Don't go any further until they are completely dry.

2) Put your pills into the blender or food processor and grind them
into powder. Mix them in with the 1 1/2 cups of Ammoniun Nitrate
fertilizer. Use the funnel to pour the mixture into the 2 liter
bottle.

3) Hold your cans of starting fluid upside-down and hold the button
until all of the air is out. Once the air is out, use a screwdriver (I
use a bottle opener.) to poke a hole in the bottom of the cans. Using
the funnel again, pour the liquid (ethyl ether) out of the cans into
the 2 Liter with the Ammonium Nitrate/pills mixture.

4) Now you have to take the Lithium strips out of the batteries (This
is why I recommend being experienced.). Tighten the tubing cutter onto
the center of the battery and spin it around until the metal casing is
cut. Be careful not to cut into the guts of the battery. If you mess
up the battery may become extremely hot and catch fire. Next take your
2 plyers and grab each end of the battery. Pull each side of the
casing off. Once the insides are out of the casing, place them in an
air tight container (Tupperware, Rubbermaid, etc.). They can be stored
for up to 3 hours. The lithium will become very volatile if exposed to
moisture in the air or water. Be careful!

5) Unroll the guts of the first battery and remove the Lithium strip.
There are two strips in a Lithium battery, so be sure not to get the
wrong one. You do not want the one that has shiny metal around the
edges. Tear the Lithium strip into tiny pieces and place them in the 2
Liter. Do the same with the other two batteries.

6) Take the cap off your bottle of Lye and fill its cap with it. Pour
this into the 2 Liter as well. Use the funnel!

7) Take the top of the 2 Liter and fill it with water. Pour the water
into the 2 Liter. Repeat once. You should see little bubble floating
to the top of the liquid in the bottle. Place the cap on the bottle
and swish it around a little (do not shake!).

Now your dope is cooking (I call it "rolling"). About every 5
minutes loosen the cap a little to release the pressure and to make it
"roll" a little harder. After about 10 seconds re-tighten the cap.
Don't breathe too deeply, because gaseous ammonia is released.

9) You have to keep adding Lye or your dope will stop "rolling". About
every 20 minutes add about 1 cap (use the cap off the lye bottle!) of
Lye. Tighten the top tight on the 2 Liter and shake the bottle
vigorously for about 8 seconds. Loosen the top, releasing the
pressure, and the dope will start "rolling" perfectly. Repeat every 20
minutes. You do not want to use more than 2/3 bottle of Lye, so you
may have to adjust the amount you add or how often you add it to make
it go for 2 hours.

10) After 2 hours, your dope is through "rolling". Get the funnel and
place it in the 1 Liter bottle. Put two coffee filters in the funnel
and pour the liquid from the 2 Liter through them into the 1 liter
bottle. Pour a little at a time to make sure you don't let any get
outside the filters. Once the 1 liter is filled, tighten the top on it
all the way. It'll ruin your dope if you let dirt or moisture get into
it.

11) Take the 2nd top to the 1 liter and the top to the 20 oz. and cut
holes in them barely big enough to fit the plastic/rubber hose into.
Put each end of the hose into each top and make them air tight using
ductape or electrical tape. Make sure you use a clean hose!

12) Remove the cap from the 1 liter bottle and screw on the one with
the hose attached to it. Pour iodized salt into your 20 oz. until it
is filled about 1/2 inch from the bottom. Take the cap from your 2
liter or another cap the same size and fill it with Liquid Fire. Pour
the Liquid Fire onto the salt and tightly screw the top attached to
the other end of the hose onto the 20 oz. Shake the 20 oz.
left-to-right for about 4 seconds. Pump (squeeze and release) it once
and sit it down. Smoke will begin the fill the 1 liter. As the smoke
begins to go into the liquid, you will see the dope "fall". It looks
snow. When the smoke stops, take the top off the 1 liter and tie a
knot in the hose. Put the other top back on the 1 liter and shake it
vigorously for 30 seconds. Let the crystal settle. Put the funnel over
the jar with 2 new coffee filters it it and pour the liquid through
them. A little bit of meth gets caught in the filters, but the rest
stays in the bottle. Cut the top half of the bottle off and use a hair
dryer to dry the crystal. You're done!