Fourteen Things You Should Know Before Messaging Me:
1. Please tell me how long my profile is because NO. ONE. ELSE. IN. THE. HISTORY. OF. SPACE. AND. TIME. HAS. EVER told me that. Oh, and give me "advice" and "tips" on how to "improve" my profile. I can't get enough of the "helpful" suggestions of strangers. No, "really."
2. I don't care if you're horny. Never have. Never will until the end of time and then 100 years after that. Telling me I make you horny is NOT a compliment nor the least bit appealing.
3. I don't want to hear what you think about my body or any of its various parts. I don't want to hear what you would like to do to me, my body, or my body parts sexually. I certainly don't want to hear any of this in explicit detail. This is called sexual harassment and you're a super creepy, disgusting, vomit-inducing, nasty, perverted, revolting, waste-of-space, worthless asshole if you do it.
4. I don't want to Skype with you. I've never Skyped before, in fact. No, I don't want you to teach me how. The same applies to FaceTime.
5. The only kik I'd like to give you is a swift kick straight to the groin and possibly the nose, if the mood so strikes me.
6. No, I don't want to send you my nudes. No, I don't want to see yours.
7. No, I don't want to watch you masturbate. No, I won't masturbate while you watch.
8. I don't want to text you. We don't know each other like that and aren't we already on a site that can facilitate chat?
9. No, I don't have a webcam, but if I did... the answer would still be no.
10. I don't want to talk dirty to you online or off or ever. I don't want phone sex or cyber sex. There are numbers you can call and websites you can visit for that and I wholeheartedly suggest you do. Sex workers need to get paid, too.
11. I don't want to sit on your face, peg you, or dominate you. None of that appeals to me, personally, in the slightest. But don't stop looking. There are plenty of people out there willing to fulfill those types of desires (again, I'm not one of those people). Just be sure they have actually expressed an interest in these activities before asking them to do anything of that nature. No one wants to receive a sexual proposition cold call.
12. No, you can't spank me or beat me or use me or tie me up. No, I will not submit to you. We just started talking. I don't know you. I wouldn't trust you with a hard-boiled egg. Why would I trust you with my safety and well-being?
13. No, I will not call you Sir, Master, or Daddy. We just met.
14. YES, a million times yes, I WILL take money and giftcards and money and presents and cash money and signed blank checks and credit cards and an iPhone 6 Plus w/ 128 gigs (to tide me over until the new 6S comes out) & a paid phone plan to match and flowers and jewelry and money and more money and paid rent and paid tuition and money and trips to the salon & spa and fine dining and luxury vehicles and shopping sprees and moneymoneymoneydollarbillsyall from you.
Side Note: If you send me a message that only contains "hey" or "hi" or "good morning/afternoon/evening" or "how are you" or "how's it going" or "what's happening" or "what's up" or any derivations thereof, don't expect much of a message in response, if at all. You get as much effort out of me as you put in.
Side Note Deux: PLEASE tell me more about how my feminism and anti-racism offends your delicate, white, male sensibilities. PLEASE. It thrills me to no end and is, obviously, the best way to get my panties to drop. Really, it's cool. I'll just be over here with my jar ready and waiting to collect your super salty tears that will only further contribute to your Sahara-level thirstiness.
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ATTENTIONATTENTIONATTENTION: I knooooow my profile is long. You may feel a clear and present urge to point this out, but please, please DO resist with all your might. I wrote the damn thing. I'm well aware of its size. And unlike all y'all boys out there, I possess an innate ability to accurately, honestly assess and gauge the length and thickness of things, without a pathological urge to inflate and exaggerate.
So, since you, I, and every other person with functioning eyesight and basic common sense have established that my profile is pretty damn long, I will concede that you don't, technically, have to read the entire thing (although it sure would be nice and, come on, it's not like this is Finnegans Wake or War and Peace) before you message me, but you really need to read all the asterisks in the beginning here, at the very least. And then you can Choose-Your-Own-Adventure the rest of the way, if you like.
BUT no matter how much or little you read of it, I am not now, nor am I ever, accepting suggestions on how to "improve" my profile. It's pretty boss as is.
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Are you intimidated by the length, strength, and breadth of my profile?
If so, here's the TL;DR:
* Don't be racist.
* Don't participate in cultural appropriation.
* Don't be anti-Semitic, Islamophobic, or xenophobic.
* Don't be sexist or misogynistic.
* Don't be whorephobic and don't slut-shame.
* Know what the phrase "rape culture" means.
* Be sex-positive and sex-worker-friendly. * Don't talk shit about sex workers. That includes strippers, escorts, cam girls, and prostitutes. That includes sex workers working to pay their way through college, sex workers working to put food on the table for their kids, and sex workers working to pay for their next hit.
* Support the decriminalization of prostitution.
* Support the decriminalization of drugs.
* Believe that drug addiction is a health issue, not a criminal or moral one.
* Don't be homophobic.
* Don't be transphobic.
* Don't be fatphobic.
* Don't be classist.
* Don't be ableist.
* Speak carefully, conscientiously, and with purpose. Words mean things. Don't use slurs, racially charged terms, or otherwise offensive language. Not even if you're "just joking," because no, not everything can or should be made into a joke.
* Don't support the death penalty.
* Be pro-choice. No ifs, ands, buts, or exceptions.
* Be a feminist ally.
* Be open-minded.
* Don't talk shit about immigrants, welfare recipients, the homeless, or fat people.
* Be nice to retail/food service/janitorial workers, the elderly, and animals.
* Smile at babies who smile at you. When a toddler waves at you or says hi to you, do the same in return. If a little kid shows you a picture they drew and is proud as shit about it, tell them it's awesome. Just be sweet to miniature humans, okay? They're at that great stage in human development where they're not assholes yet.
* Believe in global warming and evolution.
* Give some semblance of a fuck for the environment.
* Don't belong to the NRA or the Republican Party.
* Support universal healthcare, welfare, and a living wage.
* Believe that water, food, clothing, shelter, education, and healthcare are basic human rights that everyone deserves to have and no one should have to go without due to lack of financial means.
* Recognize and check your privilege on a daily basis (whether it be white, male, straight, cis, class, able-bodied or any combination thereof).
* Know what intersectionality is.
* Don't be a conservative, a Christian, an anti-feminist, an anti-SJW, a men's rights activist, a Nice Guy
, a NOT-ALL-MEN-er, an ALL-LIVES-MATTER-er, an egalitarian/humanist, and/or a pick-up artist
* Believe that no person is illegal, that deportation is inhumane, and that borders are arbitrary and useless.
* Have, at the very least, a passing knowledge of current events.
* Be mad. If you're not mad, you're not paying attention.
* Believe in extremely strict gun laws and regulations. Do NOT mindlessly cling to the 2nd amendment as if it has any bearing on you or relevance to your life here in 2015. Believe that we need to follow the examples of countless other "civilized" nations, who are doing the exact, right thing regarding guns and gun violence, which can clearly be seen in the number of gun deaths that occur each year in those countries.
* Be anti-military and anti-war, but pro-veteran.
* Don't believe in such fanciful notions as reverse racism, "pulling the race card," reverse sexism, capitalism, meninism, misandry, hetereophobia, cisphobia, intelligent design/creationism, the friend zone, skinny shaming, or Santa Claus. Unicorns and ewoks, though? Totally fine.
* Do NOT defend confederate flags at all, ever, in the slightest. Don't display confederate flags. Don't wear confederate flags. Don't put up confederate flag decor in your home. Don't dress up your pets or your kids or your inanimate objects in confederate flags. The ONLY acceptable place for a confederate flag is at the bottom of a bonfire. ABOVE ALL ELSE, don't you dare claim that the meaning of the confederate is anything but racist.
* I'll be voting for Bernie Sanders at each and every possible opportunity in the various elections to come. You should be, too.
If you can't hang with ALL of the above, then I can't hang with you. Simple as that. These are deal breakers, folks. What can I say? Equality and justice just do it for me.
The TL;DR of my TL;DR:
Simply put, DON'T BE A DICK. Be a decent human being with common sense, logic, reason, empathy, and compassion.
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Tips for Success in Online Dating:
1. If you’re under 50, “righteous” should not be a part of your vocabulary unless you’re a pastor preaching about the great works of God or a surfer appreciating some killer waves. Otherwise, it’s a total dad thing to say. And not even a COOL dad thing to say
2. Stop posing with the fish you’ve caught (or, at least, stop using such pictures for dating profiles). We get it. You fish. No one’s impressed. No one cares. There isn’t anything sexy about dead, uncooked fish, unless it’s sushi.
3. Third verse almost same as the second. Stop posing with the carcasses of animals you’ve killed. Don’t just stop posting such pictures. Stop hunting altogether (unless, of course, you're Native and it's a part of your cultural traditions or you're of low/no-income and need the meat to supplement your diet). It’s unimpressive (even less so than fishing) and, again, totally not sexy. It’s actually macabre and kind of sad. No one wants to blow the dude that killed Bambi’s mother, you heartless bastard.
4. Group pictures? Pretty useless. It just leaves us wondering who the fuck you are, guessing it’s the hottest guy in the group, and then being disappointed when you tell us otherwise.
5. Pictures with other women? Really? That just brings up a multitude of questions and concerns. Are there no pictures of just you in existence? And why is that? Is this an Insidious type of situation? Is the girl you’re hanging off of your ex? Do you still have a thing for her? Or are you trying to show off what a player you are? That your milkshake brings all the honeys to the yard? Truth time, boys… the only time women will be impressed with your ability to attract lots of pussy is if you’re covered in cats. Lots and lots of cats. Seriously. Securing the affection and attention of cats is quite the impressive feat. They don’t give it up to just anyone and they reserve the right to revoke it at any time for any reason whatsoever or for no reason at all other than to simply fuck with us.
6. Please, for the love of all that is unholy, don’t excessively talk about the zombie apocalypse. Don’t ask me where I would choose to go in the event of a zombie apocalypse. Don’t ask me what skills I have that would be beneficial to your rad zombie fighting cadre. All of that is so beyond played out (not to mention, not REAL). The only zombies I want to waste my time with are the ones in 28 Days Later because Cillian Murphy and breathtaking cinematography (mostly Cillian Murphy, though).
6. Please don’t use your opening message as an opportunity to proposition a woman for sex, to break out the detailed descriptions of how you want to bang her, or to regale her with the wonder that is your dick. It’s gross. It’s presumptuous. It shows poor impulse control and a propensity to do things prematurely. And most importantly, it's disrespectful. A woman is more than her body parts and sexual proclivities. Treat her with the respect she deserves or die horny with only your shriveled, useless, dominant hand to keep you company.
7. If a girl is into books, so much so that she chooses thebookslut as her personal moniker, don’t ask her what her favorite book is or who her favorite author is or which one book she would choose if she could only read one book for the rest of her life. Come on, are you even trying? It’s way too easy. It’s expected. It’s tiresome. EVERY. SINGLE. OTHER guy has already asked. The only book-related question I will allow is, “How much money did you need for books this week?,” followed promptly by, “Here it is.” Credit cards are a perfectly acceptable substitution.
8. Excessive and reckless use of emoticons is not cute and will not be tolerated under any circumstance. Are you trying for an “I’m a preteen in 1998 who just got their very first cell phone” vibe? If not, then choose your emoticons carefully and use them sparingly. Less is more, especially when it comes to computer generated representations of human emotions.
9. I know this gets said a lot, but it bears repeating since many people still haven’t caught on yet… please don’t use “u” instead of you or “gr8t” instead of great and so on and so forth. Are you really that lazy and/or pressed for time that you can’t spare a few extra keystrokes? Really? Are you a spy? A ninja? Do you have to jump in the nearest phone booth, rip off your workaday clothes, and dash out to save Lois from impending doom? No, you aren’t and no, you don’t. So, take a couple seconds out of your day to type out the WHOLE goddamn word.
10. Spellcheck. Learn it. Love it. Use it. Now, always, and forever. Become best friends with it. Braid each other’s hair while dishing about cute boys with it. You don’t even have to be good at spelling to utilize it. It does all the spelling for you. It’s there at your fingertips ready and willing to be taken advantage of and used to your heart’s content. Unlike me, who requires dinner, drinks, pleasant, engaging conversation, and a predetermined amount of cash for that kind of scene.
11. Don’t talk about your past relationships. Not in your profile. Not in the initial stages of conversation. Just don’t. There’s a time and a place for discussing exes. This isn’t it. “But what if-” No. “But what-” NO. “But-” NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
12. Do you have a dick? Yes? Keep it in your pants. And whatever you do, DO NOT talk about it. No matter how much you desperately want and feel you need to. We’ve ALL seen a dick. We’ve ALL seen what a dick does. There is nothing so impressive about your dick that it needs to be discussed within seconds or minutes of meeting you. If I haven’t explicitly requested an ode to your penis, then bite your tongue. It’s like when your mom told you that if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. This applies to your dick, as well. If you can’t think of anything to say without slipping some kind of reference to your dick into a conversation, then don’t say anything at all. Your dick is not nearly as fascinating to ANYONE else as it is to you.
13. Don't talk about your goddamn beard like it's an accomplishment. No one give a fuck about your facial hair. My leg hair is more majestic and you don't see me congratulating myself over it, now do you? Nah, you don't. Because taking pride in something that requires no talent or effort on your part, while totally expected of your average white dude, is positively insufferable. It's like Christopher Columbus taking credit for "discovering" a country that had existed for eons before he mistakenly step foot on it. Christopher Columbus was a massive prick, who epically failed at navigation (he had ONE job). Don't be like Christopher Columbus.
14. Don't quote yourself. It's sad and pathetic and hilarious in a sad and pathetic way. Trust me, you haven't said anything so earth-shattering or groundbreaking that it's worthy of noting, much less noting it yourself. Other people quote YOU. You don't quote yourself. It's just not done, unless you're cool with looking like a self-important jagoff.
15. Don't say you're looking for your "partner in crime." Every dude out there is pulling that schtick. Maybe it was cute the first few times. Maybe. But now? No. Not anymore. Not at all. Not ever. If you say it in my presence, I'll kick you in the shins, steal your wallet, and ask you, "How do you like my criminal tendencies NOOOOOOOOW?!!"
16. Don't be a juggalo.
What I’m doing with my life
Trying to keep two succulents and a pink cactus alive. Pray for them.
Day 27: They're still alive.
Day 32: Two more cacti and an aloe plant have joined the others.
Day 36: Three more baby cacti have appeared. Nine plants in total. I almost have an army.
But also, like, I totes want to become a social worker or a lawyer for a non-profit so I can finally put this bleeding heart to good use. Oh, and to do some change-the-world-Erin-Brockovich type shit, too. Or, at least, feel like I am. And to be able to brag to people that I am. Honestly, it's mostly for the bragging rights.
That's Plan A. Plan B is to find an extremely wealthy, extremely generous, older man with an extremely low sex drive (unless he's hot, then all bets are off) and just... you know... see what happens. If I just so happen to somehow find myself receiving a sizable monthly allowance, a penthouse, a luxury vehicle or two, a limitless supply of designer shoes & clothing & jewelry & handbags & cosmetics, daily visits to all the fancy, hip, and trendy restaurants in town, twice weekly spa days (at the very least), frequent outings to the opera & the symphony & the ballet & the theatre & museums, and regularly scheduled extravagant vacations to exotic locations... well, I'll have to somehow find a way to deal, now won't I? It'll be difficult, but I'll just have to give it my best shot.
I’m really good at
Eating Chinese food. Applying lip balm. Alphabetizing all the things. Admiring cute animals and miniature humans. Talking to animals in that high-pitched tone I am one thousand and ten percent sure allows them to perfectly understand exactly what I'm saying. Being all socially aware and shit. Making grown men cry and collecting their tears to bathe in. Spending money. Cuddling. Offering my boobs as a pillow. Killing plants unintentionally. Shopping at Bath and Body Works. Giving the evil eye. Dancing horribly. Snorting when I laugh. Snoring when I sleep. Having the worst gag reflex known to human. Being a slave to my Vagus nerve; it owns me, body and soul. Drinking alone. Crying into my carton of ice cream as I watch Dirty Dancing for the millionth time. Petting soft, fluffy things. Wielding sarcasm in a weaponized manner. Hopscotch. Taking bubble baths. Singing off key and out of tune. Sighing with deep exasperation. Rolling my eyes. Skipping to and fro. Frolicking in fields of daisies. Spinning. Twirling. Hugging trees. Being super passionate about saving the bees since they're super essential to our existence and they're super metal, too, 'cause if they go, they're taking us with them. Having ovaries of steel. Not putting up with anyone's bullshit. Demanding respect. Fighting the patriarchy. Giving the severe side eye to conservatives, Republicans, "pro-lifers," anti-feminists, NOT-ALL-MEN-ers, and men's rights activists. Building sand castles. Chewing bubblegum. Winning at board games. Running with scissors without incurring any major casualties as of yet. Lusting after In-N-Out, my one, true, unrequited love. Hearting basic white girl shit like Diet Coke and iPhones and pumpkin spice EVERYTHING and coffee from Starbucks and shopping at Lush & Target & Bath and Body Works & Victoria's Secret & Trader Joe's and hoarding stuff that smells good like candles & soap & body mist & bath bombs and living on social media like whoa (YouTube & tumblr & Instagram obvs) and wearing leggings & yoga pants & sweatpants with words on the butt & Uggs (but only those of the knock-off, man-made materials variety) and reading cheesy, YA, romance novels & watching the movies that are made based on them.
The first things people usually notice about me
The red hair.
The green eyes.
The freckles.
The sparkling personality.
The absolute, fucking delight that is me.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Books:
ALL THE WORDS! But also The Center Cannot Hold by Elyn R. Saks. The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood. Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria? by Beverly Daniel Tatum. Myth of the Welfare Queen by David Zucchino. anything by bell hooks. The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler. Dorothy Parker. Sylvia Plath. The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold (also Lucky). Wally Lamb. Dr. Seuss. Shel Silverstein. Maurice Sendak. Rumi. Barbara Ehrenreich. Ruth Sidel. Rickie Solinger. The Berenstain Bears. 1984. Howard Zinn. Jonathan Kozol. Fire of the Five Hearts by Holly A. Smith. The Last Time I Wore A Dress by Daphne Scholinski. Marge Piercy. Peggy Orenstein. Atlas of the Human Heart by Ariel Gore. The Only Girl in the Car by Kathy Dobie. e.e. cummings. The Babysitter's Club. Sweet Valley High. Nancy Drew. Judy Blume. The Bible, but only to burn on cold nights for warmth and s'mores construction.
Music:
(current fav song: The Revolution Will Not Be Televised by Gil Scott-Heron) Also, the Wu-Tang Clan isn't anything to fuck with. Nina Simone. Edith Piaf. Aimee Mann. Elliott Smith. De La Soul. ODB. Kate Nash. Rachael Yamagata. Hurts to Purr. Johnny Cash. Nancy Sinatra. Bob Marley. The Fugees. Lauryn Hill. Kanye. Common. Bruno Mars. Death Cab for Cutie. Paolo Nutini. Amy Winehouse (especially the acoustic version of Valerie). The Cranberries. Claude Debussy. Johann Pachelbel. The Mamas & The Papas. The Doors. Billie Holiday. Otis Redding. Marvin Gaye. Lena Horne. Ella Fitzgerald. Louis Armstrong. Strawberry Fields. I Am The Walrus. Florence and the Machine. Rage Against the Machine. Nirvana. The Foo Fighters. Everclear. Ed Sheeran. Sam Smith. John Legend. Whitney Houston (ever since my "Whitney" cassette tape).
Food:
(this list is going to be exponentially long because food is my BFF & ALL good is my favorite food, tbh, but my favorite food of ALL time would have to be salmon
)
ALL the foods from ALL the places & ALL the cultures; I like to try new things & give everything a try, at least, once. Hunks of meat & heaps of potatoes (Russet & Yukon Gold & red & purple & mashed & baked & roasted & scalloped & hash & fried & ALL the kinds; but especially sweet potatoes because YUM). Big, juicy, hamburgers. Taco Bell, despite its severely lacking authenticity. Endless sticks of delicious butter. SUSHI. Coconut water. Carbonation. Midori Sours. Smoothies. Juice (especially freshly made). Almonds. Cashews. Peanuts. Pistachios. Sunflower seeds. Trail mix. Dried fruit. Turkey. Stuffing. Yams with brown sugar & marshmallows on top. Cranberry sauce (I'll always have a soft spot in my
for the wiggly, jiggly, from-a-can kind). Casserole. Roast beef. Meatloaf. Meatballs. Shepherd's pie. Almost any kind of fruit pie, but cherry is #1. Hummus. Sour cream. ALL the cheeses... blue, feta, mozzarella, etc. Onions. Garlic. Cilantro. Dill. Parsley. Pico de gallo. Guacomole. Nachos. Black beans. Pineapple peach salsa. Healthy & not so healthy salad. Pad Thai. Pizza. Grilled cheese. Spaghetti. Lasagna. Chicken Alfredo. Ramen. ALL THE NOODLEZ. Chinese food all day everyday. Burritos. Enchiladas. Tacos. Tamales. Quesadillas. Chimichangas. Empanadas. Horchata. Churros. Chickpeas. Avocados. Edamame. Corn. Green beans. Peas. Broccoli. Cauliflower. Carrots. Zucchini. Artichoke. Spinach. Squash. Lettuce. Mushrooms. Sprouts of all kinds. Coconut. Caramel. Marshmallow. Dark chocolate. Chocolate covered cherries. Cherries on top of [insert edible item here]. Cheesecake. Birthday cake. Ben & Jerry's (Cherry Garcia & Phish Food for starters). Whipped cream on top of things, but also sprayed straight into my mouth. BREADBREADBREAD. Cornbread. Croissants. Bagels. Breadsticks. Crackers. Rice. CARBS 4 ALL THA DAYZ OF MY LYFE. Cream cheese. Cinnamon. Honey. Breakfast food at any & every hour of the day & night? YES PLZ. Omelettes. Waffles. Pancakes. French toast. Maple syrup. Bacon. Sausage. Eggs. Apples. Strawberries. Raspberries. Cherries. PINEAPPLE. Mango. Papaya. Lemon flavored anything pretty much. Ice cream. Sorbet. Frozen yogurt. Those little plastic tubs of 1/2 vanilla ice cream & 1/2 orange sherbet w/ the itty bitty wooden spoons that you were so super psyched to get in elementary school. Pork. Chicken. Fish (of all kinds). Shrimp. Scallops. All the soups & all the chowders & all the stews. ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING AND ALL THE THINGS FRIED. Jalapeño poppers. Mozzarella sticks. Onion rings. Wontons. Spring rolls. Egg rolls. Fried rice. Fried eggs. BBQ. And anything else that fits into my mouth, basically.
Television:
American Horror Story. Bill Nye, The Science Guy. Bones. Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Catfish (even though the ending is almost always never as good as the buildup, but I still hold out hope each and every episode, partly because Nev & Max are yum & rad). Cooking shows (especially those featuring Giada De Laurentiis and Nigella Lawson). Dead Like Me. Doomsday Preppers. Felicity. Fringe. Gilmore Girls. Grimm. iZombie. The Jinx: The Life & Deaths of Robert Durst. Monk. Mr. Wizard's World. New Girl. The Office. Parks and Recreation. Party of Five. Penny Dreadful. Psych. Raising Hope. Roseanne (seasons 1 through 5ish). Sesame Street. Shameless. Six Feet Under. My So-Called Life. Tru Calling. Veronica Mars. Wishbone. Wonderfalls.
Movies:
I like scary movies, flicks from the 80s (Molly Ringwald is
), documentaries, true crime, and Big Hero 6. Batteries Not Included. The Brave Little Toaster. The Land Before Time. Mr. Mom. Flight of the Navigator. Cloak & Dagger. The Burbs. Willow. Punch-Drunk Love. 28 Days Later. Zombieland. Shaun of the Dead. The Road. Love Liza. Uncle Buck. Labyrinth. Princess Bride. Clue. Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Home Alone. Clockwatchers. Sugar & Spice. Reality Bites. Empire Records. What About Bob? Groundhog Day. I Heart Huckabees. Waitress. Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Short Circuit. Napoleon Dynamite. The Paradise Lost Trilogy. Dear Zachary: A Letter To A Son About His Father. Aileen: Life & Death of a Serial Killer & Aileen Wuornos: The Selling of a Serial Killer. Boys Don't Cry. The Times of Harvey Milk. The Goonies. Obvious Child. Roger & Me. Bowling for Columbine. Sicko. Fahrenheit 9/11. Capitalism: A Love Story. Office Space. Lars and the Real Girl & Crazy Stupid Love & anything & everything else that Ryan Gosling is in forever & always in constant perpetuity for as long as I shall live for richer, for poorer in the name of the father, the son, & the holy spirit, amen (I really like Ryan Gosling okay). Wristcutters: A Love Story. The Rules of Attraction. Go. The Cabin in the Woods. The Lazarus Effect. The Orphanage. The Mist. Beetlejuice. Mermaids. Untamed Heart. Gone Girl. Hard Candy. The Boy Who Could Fly. The Shining.
Also: Cinema Sins on YouTube.
Scenes in a Movie:
A rapist gets an arrow shot through his junk by Denzel Washington's character in The Book of Eli.
People:
Jesus, totes obvi. My moms. Koko the Gorilla. Glenda the Good Witch. Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Vivien Thomas. Jonas Salk. Dorothy Parker. Henrietta Lacks. Jane Goodall. Dian Fossey. Maya Angelou. AL 288-1 aka Dinkinesh aka Lucy. Angela Davis. Jane Elliott. Eeyore. Jim Henson. Ludo. Fred Rogers. Bees; each and every single one. Baymax. Neil deGrasse Tyson. Alan Alda. Ed Begley, Jr. Bernie Sanders. Ben & Jerry. Colonel Sanders. Leslie Knope. bell hooks. Steve Irwin. Jeremy Wade. Audrey Hepburn. Princess Diana. The Hamburglar. Marie Curie. Cleopatra. Sojourner Truth.
Internet Famous Animals:
Marnie the Dog. Maru. Grumpy Cat. Pudge the Cat. @ProBirdRights on Twitter. Joy the Sheep. Tuna (Melts my Heart). Lil Bub. Venus, The Cat with Two Faces.
The six things I could never do without
1. Blowjobs & Butt Stuff
2. Black panties.
3. Concealed switchblades.
4. Dinosaurs (real ones AND the Jurassic Park kind, too, 'cause I'm palentologically open-minded like that)
5. Cryptozoology
6. Physics (quite literally)
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Money:
I'd like to become independently and infinitely wealthy 'cause whoever said, "money is the root of all evil," and, "money can't buy happiness," was LYYYYYYYYYYING.
and
Death:
I'd like to think the universe employs a conscientious recycling program with our lives/spirits/souls/that non-corporeal-cosmic-made-of-stars-shit we all have mixed in between our bones and blood and organs and zapping around in our brains. Like, it's a scientific principle that we don't just cease to exist at the end, man, because, like, energy can neither be created nor destroyed, but, like, only transformed from one form to another. Think about it, man.
I, also, sincerely, whole-heartedly, without-a-doubt believe that all dogs go to heaven. Cats, too. And ducks and llamas and goats and armadillos and platypuses and naked mole rats. And all other types of animals and creatures (not spiders, though, because FUCK YOU, spiders; unless, of course, your name is Charlotte). Animals are legit higher beings than us, so they, obviously and rightfully so, deserve the red carpet treatment from The Grim Reaper.
EDIT: SRYSRY to all the spiders out there just trying to hold it down and make a living for them and theirs in this harsh, unforgiving world of ours. I know that you provide an important and fundamental service in the natural order of things and I thank you profusely for it. I just can't get down with your creepy, crawly ways and how you invite yourselves inside my house without so much as a knock on the door, a "hey, what's up?," or a batch of Rice Krispie treats.
Taxes:
JK. Not really.
On a typical Friday night I am
painting the town a nice shade of whore with accents of slut AKA at home alone, having a pizza party for one, and watching trashy, soul-sucking television of no redeeming value.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I'm a feminist. A scary, scary, hardcore, flag-burning ('cause good bras are too expensive to waste & I have the constitutional right to do so), soul-consuming feminist. I will devour the ignorant, the self-serving, and the oppressors alive. Sometimes with BBQ sauce, sometimes sweet & sour; always with unadulterated glee. And lick my fingers afterward with delight. I AM the night. Fear me.
"Out of the ash
I rise w/ my red hair
& I eat men like air"
-Sylvia Plath
Also, I used to eat bowls of corn mixed with ranch dressing in the not too distant past. And it was deee-licious.
I have a perpetually expanding plethora of cat gifs, pictures, and memes saved on my phone. A cat for every possible situation in life. Now that's what I call prepared.
I can mouth along with about 97% of the dialogue in Erin Brockovich. I list this on all resumes.
I dunno if my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard because I drink it all before I make it outside to put in my yard. :/
When I was little I used to collect those little paint and Formica and flooring chips/samples they used to have at Home Depot so I could take them home and pretend to be an interior designer. I was very successful in this imaginary line of work. Made a lot, a looooot of fake money.
I'm far too impatient for hard candy. I like to bite.
I'm a total fangirl for office supplies. No joke. Office Depot makes me squee with delight.
I don't know how to swim and natural bodies of water freak me the fuck out. There are all kinds of creatures and monsters and slimy things in them.*** I'll only go in up to my knees and that's only if I'm feeling brave. BUT I can float, preferably with the assistance of a pool noodle or two. So, that's something, right? I mean, I'm practically headed to the Olympics to go for the gold.
*** Sources:
1. Jaws, a documentary, 1975
2. Creature from the Black Lagoon, 1954
3. It Came from Beneath the Sea, 1955
4. Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea by Jules Verne
5. Moby Dick by Herman Melville
6. Nessie, long-time resident of Loch Ness in Scotland AKA The Loch Ness Monster
I despise when people call me Jessica. Absolutely, positively, unequivocally DEEE-SPISE it. Nothing against the name Jessica or anything. I'm sure it's a nice, wouldn't-hurt-a-fly, helps-old-ladies-with-their-groceries type of name and all, but...
That's not my name
That's not my name
That's not my name
That's not my name
I always give away my black jelly beans to those peculiar enough to actually like the taste of them.
I want to do my good deed for humanity by populating the world with cute, chubby, red-headed babies, buuuuuut the 9 months (actually 10 'cause 40 weeks = 10 months) of pregnancy and the hours/days of labor & delivery and the 18+ years (actually forever 'cause they'll always be your baby no matter how old they get) of selflessly caring 24/7/365 for every single physical, emotional, & mental need that a person could ever possibly have, often at the detriment/expense of your own needs (and you canNOT fuck this shit up because this isn't a Chia pet we're talking about here), and having the ultimate responsibility of KEEPING. ANOTHER. HUMAN. BEING. ALIVE makes me think I'll just stick to recycling, giving change & sandwiches to the homeless, and buying Girl Scout cookies.
I used to listen to, sing along to, and LIKE Amy Grant.
ADORABLE FLUFFY MANEATING MISANDRIST WITH A DARK EVIL HEART OF PURE GOLD WHO RESPONDS WELL TO COMMUNIST MANIFESTOS, FROSTED ANIMAL CRACKERS, & THE COLOR PINK BUT ALSO HAS AN UNQUENCHABLE INSATIABLE PRIMEVAL BLOODTHIRST FOR IGNORANT ASSHOLES AT WHOM SHE THROWS HANDFULS OF EQUAL PARTS GLITTER & EQUAL PARTS NINJA STARS WITH DEADLY TESTICLE SEVERING PRECISION AND APLOMB.
So, if you're down, HMU.
You should message me if
* You do NOT talk shit about Baltimore AND you do NOT talk shit about Michael Brown or Freddie Gray or any other victim of police brutality/excessive force AND you do NOT casually throw around terms like "thug" and "ghetto" and "welfare queen" to describe Black people AND you do NOT find yourself uttering phrases such as "pulling the race card" & "I don't care if you're white, black, brown, purple, or polka-dotted" & "I just don't understand what Black people are so angry about" AND you do NOT think you should be able to say the n-word or wear dreadlocks (if you're not black) AND you do NOT hold the following misguided, ignorant beliefs: "racism is dead/over" or "slavery was a long time ago; Black people should get over it" or "affirmative action is unfair" or "white people experience racism, too" or "but I've never owned slaves" or "a Black person called me a cracker & I'm honestly feeling so attacked right now."
* You love Marnie the Dog as much as I do. Don't know who Marnie is? You should. Everybody should. Marnie is love. Marnie is life. Marnie is everything. In Marnie we trust. And while we're discussing animals on the internet, then I must mention @ProBirdRights on Twitter.
* You're a man with hands. Seriously. I don't know what it is, but I just find a man's hands simply divine. A very specific variety of man's hands, though. That which I can't describe, but I know them when I see them. So, for future (and always) reference, this strange girl right here would oh so much rather you send her a hand pic over a dick pic any-fucking-day of the week. Oh dear. Is this awkward now? Have I gone on too long about hands? Oh well. YOLO.
* You look and sound like D'Angelo in the "Untitled: How Does It Feel" video.
* You fuck like James Deen. Or you ARE James Deen (Hi, James!).
* You are wise enough to realize that a girl could talk about nothing but dick sucking in her profile and/or be ass naked in all her profile pictures and she STILL deserves to be treated with respect and she STILL isn't asking for or inviting the sexual harassment of creepy, strange men online.
* You do NOT own a fedora. Likewise, you DON'T believe in the "friend-zone." Also, you're NOT a self-proclaimed "Nice Guy
" and/or "men's rights activist" and/or anti-feminist.
* You know and believe that the world needs feminism. In the same vein, you MUST be pro-choice to attend the party in my pants.
* NO CONSERVATIVES. AT ALL. EVER. NO EXCEPTIONS (unless you have a ginormous dick AND I can duct tape your mouth shut when we fuck so I don't have to listen to your backward, bullshit views).
*** Addendum: Are you finding it much too difficult to be D'Angelo and/or James Deen? Well, have no fear! There's a third, very viable option now available. You can ALSO be Idris Elba. Preferably, Idris Elba holding a fluffy puppy, but if you can't acquire said fluffy puppy, then just being Idris Elba will suffice. Don't say I never compromised on anything.
*** Also, Denzel Washington. His voice is like butter and his visage is heaven.
*** And Jesse Williams, who is equal parts hot as fuck and equal parts socially aware as fuck and I am totally here for that.
*** Fyodor Dostoevsky... just because his name is so damn sexy to say. Try it. You'll see what I'm talking about.
*** Guillermo del Toro because, again, his name pleasures my linguistic sensibilities. And I guess he makes movies or something?
*** Bruno Mars. The way he move make me weak in the knees.
*** Claude Debussy because Clair de Lune is so beautiful it makes my heart ache.
*** Jay-Z because fuck you, it's Jay-Z.
*** Shia LeBeouf and Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Preferably as a tag-team on a very regular basis, but one-on-one would be mighty fine, too.
*** Satan 'cause I hear he's got all the sweet hook-ups and what girl is NOT a sucker for horns and hooves, AMIRITE LADIEZ??!?1
*** Super smart, multi-talented dudes like The OG Renaissance Man himself, Leonardo da Vinci because the brain IS the sexiest part of the human body
*** Ryan Gosling because of reasons. Yes please and thank you very much. May I have another?
*** Viggo Mortensen because I have been lusting after you since A Perfect Murder.
*** Evan Peters because I want him as my BFF and my BF and my next door neighbor that I borrow cups of sugar and Wifi from and have the occasional hallway break-dancing competition with.
*** Mark Ruffalo because he give a fuck about a lot of important shit and he look good doing it.
