Copypasta thread - Mmmm pasta

[Begemot]

I just can't stand any Abrahamic text for more than a few paragraphs. I read a ~40k Daoist text while standing in one go, but I can't even handle one Abrahamic text. The most I could handle was the Gospel of Thomas, but even that pushed my limits. I recited the entire Lotus Sutra in one day and read a long complex analysis TWICE in that same day.
OP's scripture is just bullshit self-fellating crap. How can anyone take this seriously? How could my ancestors be such morons?
I would have preferred something like the Dharma spreading into Iran. I don't like the presence of either Christians or Muslims, but I find Christians more pestersome with guilt-ridden bullshit and because I dislike Jews a wee bit more than Arabs.
Honestly, if it was in my power, I would just force convert every single Christian, Muslim, and Jew into a Dharmic path or something. I don't care about Semites pounding their chest talking about how great they were when there were actual Indian and Chinese sages pointed to my heart saying I am the Universe and simply need to remove obscurities of my mind to see it.
I feel a weird mix of utter rage and futility.
Just shut the fuck up.

 

[FakeishNamedicoot]

And allow me to rehash the situation you goddamn imbeciles fail to comprehend YET AGAIN!! Seriously? The whole "Has No Life" routine? I'M the one who should be slandering you imbeciles since you're the ones practically idolizing something so oppressive, something so detrimental, something superfluous to the society that all it does is just waste valuable money and resources that would much better be circulated within the economy (minus the fact the economy's in quite the shit hole.)

I'm practically having to teach each and everyone of you to quit being such ignorant fools idolizing LPs if you clearly see they do nothing but harm the society, yet you people have lost your minds. You can do much better for yourselves with your spare time, and in before you even open your mouth, it's called benefits for the future. In that aspect, I have an Associate's Degree and will begin the road for a Bachelor's Degree. Now think. An Associate's and a Bachelor's Degree plus the hard trials and tribulations traversed over the years of secondary education ARE beneficial since in the long run, they drastically increase your chances of acquiring an occupation which pays for itself. You CAN'T claim LPs are occupations as well If they've done nothing but generate massive controversy when it comes to copyright and ownership rights. Why else do you think companies have a distaste for LPs? They do nothing but hinder sales since people lose interests in games since LPs SPOIL games!

But no...NO.... You people are clearly mistaken because you're obviously too obsessed with something so detrimental that you've literally been brainwashed by them. That explains why you defend LPs so much. You people could do much better for yourselves, like college or jobs, but you insist on wasting that valuable time with LPs, and in before you say something, I'm partaking in something called COLLEGE

And then I look at you. "Most pathetic excuse of human flesh," eh? My God, you're no better than any of the countless imbeciles it's been my utmost displeasure to deal with these years of teaching you idiots. See, people like you give me reasons to want to just blast all of you with a Magnum with how much you fail to reason when it's obvious you're idolizing something detrimental. I'M the one trying to save you idiots from wasting your lives away on such pathetic excuses of entertainment you even call LPs, but you're all so wrapped up in them to where the only way to solve that situation is to simply eliminate the source of said scenario. In other words, if you people want to be forced to move on with your lives, LPs will have to be radically abolished and banned, and those who create said LPs should be exterminated swiftly and surely off the face of the planet. Said people who do LPs shouldn't even be considered individuals nor should they even be given representation over anything since they literally own NOTHING when it comes to the materials they use in such detrimental affairs.

People like you make me downright sick. There's a reason why I can't be bothered with idiots like you. You know nothing of what's best for society, so your opinion shouldn't even be considered. As I see all of you gradually become sick or even ill and even your so-called LP heroes falling sick, I personally wish you fools would just die from sickness already. I don't give a damn if you people say I shouldn't wish bad on others or hold ill will towards them, and I don't care for your sympathy either.

 

[Begemot]

You think you want to fuck a fat girl, then you actually try it and it’s a lot less fun than you imagine.
They fucking stink even before they get their knickers off. Imagine a smell like drains and old meat but very eye-wateringly strong. That’s how they smell between their legs and it wafts up all the time. And this is every fat lass. The strength of the smell is directly proportional to their size.
Then there’s the mobility issue. You will only be doing missionary and your cock wont reach unless you constantly pull their rolls open with your hands. Even if you’re massively hung you’ll think you’re in her minge but you’ll be grinding between her sweaty thighs half the time.
Then there’s the point after you cum and the sheer shame of your exploit hits you like a cold bucket of water. You’ve just fucked a lazy, disgusting, greedy blob, that you’d be embarrassed to be seen with in public, and all you’ll want to do is run and pretend it never happened. But it did happen. And you smell like drains and old meat.

 

[Cats]

When I was a kid, I had a bad skin condition that caused chunks of dead skin to fall off constantly. We were poor and I couldn't see a doctor about it, so my mom would just help me pick up the skin and rub lotion on my back. My mom was an alcoholic. My dad was a real dick. He slept around and did lots of drugs. He slipped acid into my mom's drinks at dinner when she wasn't looking. We'd watch her trip. It's pretty fucked up, but growing up, I thought this was all normal.

I had a dog that we kept outside in a large lot with a doghouse. She was really my only friend, as I wasn't allowed to go to other kid's houses and I definitely wouldn't bring any over to my house. She and I ran around our back yard for hours every day after I got home from school.

When I was about 13, my dad fucking hanged himself in our front yard. Some drug dealer was coming for money and he couldn't pay. My mom came home early from work, found him, and went inside and blew her brains out with a .357 she kept in the side table. So, I come home from school to find both my parents dead.

My first thought is, well, I gotta feed the dog. See, I never fed or cleaned up after the dog; my dad always did all that. I just made sure she got exercise.

I go into the utility building out back and I open up the large garbage bin that had all our dog's food in it and what do I see? All my old collected skin. They fed my dog my skin.

So, I took my shirt off, went into the dog pen, and let my dog just eat the skin right off my body. She viciously attacked me, and all the while I was thinking about my dead parents. She started eating my face. She took out an eye and half my nose before the neighbors shot her. In the throes of death, she puked up my skin and a ton of blood. Blood everywhere. Dead dad, mom, dog. I loved that dog.

 

[Cats]

I refer to this as my birthmark. On my eighth birthday, my father brought me a fat little bulldog. I named him Prince Henry Stout. He was strong. He chased my pet turkey, he chased squirrels up the tree, he chased everything. I raised him, I trained him, I groomed him, I fed him, I took care of him. I loved that dog; more anything in the world, I loved that dog. Then my father gave me a handful of cherry bombs and M-80s. He said: "You're gonna train this dog to be a protector".

So, every Saturday afternoon, I got behind a little dummy that my dad built. I tossed cherry bombs and M-80s at the dog - BOOM, BOOM! The dog was scared at first, but after awhile he got angry and charged the dummy.
He ripped it apart. The head was off, the shirt was gone... So, thirteen years old, birthday time. My father got me a twelve-gauge shotgun. "We're going hunting!" I was so excited. We went out to this clearing in the woods where my dad laid his gun down, then took my gun and laid it down. He said: "Son, today you're gonna learn to control your emotions. You're gonna do things that some men are unwilling and unable to do. Follow me".

My dad and I passed through this grove of trees, to where he'd built a corral. There was Prince Henry Stout chained in the middle of the corral. My dad took out a pocketful of cherry bombs and put them in my hand. He said: "Get in the corral. Here's a Bic; I want you to light those cherry bombs and throw them at the Prince. You're gonna face manhood. You're gonna fight that dog to the death. Either he's gonna kill you, or you're gonna kill him... NOW!!!"

He was on me. He was on me like flies on shit. I had one chance - I got my arm up in between his teeth and my neck. Then we were down in the mud, rolling over and over. That dog was baying and snarling and biting, while I was crying and screaming. I grabbed him and stood up, then fell on him with all my weight. I heard his neck break. He was dead, not biting, not even breathing. I was covered with blood. I stood up, wiped the blood off, I lick it. My dad said, "Welcome to manhood."

That's why this is a birth mark.

 

[naaaaiiiiillllll!!!]

Fat Jon you are about as useful as a sponge screwdriver. The issue here was whether you received any personal injury from attending a chemist where you carried on like the complete fuckstick that you are. Of course, you would have been ordering the staff around, because they are all female and have coin-slot pussies & you are very jealous You would have yelling at the top of your voice & lumbering all around the room like some overweight quarterback whose just dropped an acid tab. From the staff’s perspective, they see a very mentally unwell, overweight, dog ugly bloke dressed in a set of curtains and a table cloth, they know you have rung emergency services 300 times this month and that one of your hobbies is to run across the road a few old ladies at your Mum’s place then hit all the fire alarms because slapping old ladies reduces your blood sugar level. Then they see a totally out of control, untrained puppy that at any moment will shit and piss on the floor if it doesn’t start chewing up the carpet or biting staff on the ankles, the dog has a service vest on that you brought at a boot sale so everybody better agree it’s a service dog or you will receive a summons to appear in the Supreme Court for dead-naming the dog and once it gets to court, you better watch out. Fat Jon is in the habit of making delusional statements with huge claims in them but when it comes to the crunch and he’s asked to write supporting affidavits and supply hard evidence this big time wanna be Lia Thomas can’t come up with the fucking goods because he’s totally psychotic and suffering severe delusions which he has come to believe while larping as a lawyer, because he attended two legal assistant classes and got 125% in a multiple choice test with ten questions. Fat Jon, you did not file a final submission and you were given the opportunity to do so. A lawyer wouldn’t do that, what’s the matter cockwomble, couldn’t come up with a relative submission could you dick head, you have a mouth & a body the size of a hippo but the reality is your totally cunt-struck when it comes to the rules of evidence. Of all the things you should know, the rules of evidence are the most important, they are the building blocks of your case. Why don’t you know that? The answer is that at best when it comes to IQ scores you are a hopeless, dickless fucking dimwit. You took a four month old untrained puppy into a chemist, who fucking does that, you might as well have taken a bullfrog with a leash on it and told them it was a service frog. Easier to look after, they eat less, they take up less space & you get the same result, in fact the frog might croak three times when your blood sugar was low, bullfrogs know things like that. You’ve been gobbing off to all and sundry that your dog is a service dog, when given the opportunity to prove it with paperwork you declined, therefore that issue is settled, the court has found that your crazy little puppy is just that, an untrained shit machine that loves to attack the staff at your condo. The lady at the chemist has zoophobia, a fear of animals and it wasn’t the dog she was referring to it was you, you fucking great animal. Your dog was out of control and lunging at the staff, as were you too, what fucking right have you got to treat people this way cunt? What gives you the right to attack people then make up ridiculous claims and try to sue people for something you should have been arrested and charged for. One day mate you are going to push the wrong persons buttons & you are going to end up in a critical care ward for six months, then you’ll know what disabled is about when both your kneecaps have been broken, and your jaw. Then you unleashed the dog & let it run riot in the pharmacy, that’s a cunts act. Can’t you see that it is the chemist that actually had the cause of action here, and if they had sued you for this, they would have won hands down. This business and its employees have the right to feel safe at work, they don’t have to put up with a mentally deranged 400 pound man-child who’s shit and pissed his nappy & is upset because nobody will obey his Hitler-like orders. Then you submitted a letter as evidence which proved nothing & lead nowhere, now again, a lawyer would never do that in a million years and this is the second time you’ve done it. Then you submitted no evidence to prove that the dog is psychic or some type of animal doctor that can read a person’s blood sugar levels. No dog on this earth has ever been trained to do this and Bayshore submitted evidence from an official dog trainer that this is not possible. Now because I know what a fuckwit you are Jon, I will give you some free legal advice. You have claimed in a court that your dog is a service dog, the court has asked you to provide evidence of this, you declined, the court then had an official dog trainer give evidence that your dog is not a trained service dog. This is now on the public court record, so if you claim in any other court that this is a service dog then you are making a false statement and committing perjury as the matter is settled, it’s not a service dog. Then it is noted that you submitted no medical evidence whatsoever that you received any personal injury, a lawyer would never make a basic mistake like that either. All I read in this judgement is no evidence, did not prove his claims, no evidence, no evidence, did not supply a supporting affidavit etc. etc. Eunuch boy, do you see a patter here son. In your mind you are a model, a human rights campaigner, a nubile young lesbian legal mastermind, you’re playing four dimensional chess with the courts & pretty soon you are going to pull a rabbit out of a hat & have a multi-million dollar win in the Supreme Court. What we all see is a severely obese, gargantuan, badly dressed and very ugly man who talks like a man & acts like a man in a shitty nappy who chopped his own cock off & now runs around claiming he was injured when the local chemist won’t let his out of control pup smash the shop up. A man that issues legal actions like he’s handing out tissues at a covid clinic. Jordan Peterson is one of my favourite speakers and a very good psychologist and the best piece of advice I ever heard him give is that when people act like cunts- call them out on it, explain their actions to them. Jon, cunt, we’ve seen you larp as a lawyer from the time when you lost six grand in the wax my balls case, then you got $2500 fuck off money from the chiro, that was just pure dumb luck because you then lost $350 to DFS which you never paid but that all works out in the end because the company that you won $5000 off by default has not paid you because you don’t have the money to take legal action to force them to pay. You then lost to Target, your condo strata, your mother’s condo strata and now you lost 2 x $1680 to Bayshore. You have enrolled in some crappy legal course & now the delusion is fixed in your head that you are brilliant at law. Jon, you’re fucking hopeless at law, at this stage you should have learned a heap of things about law, but you have learned nothing. You declined to file a supporting affidavit and you declined to be questioned on the stand in the Rebel case. Then in all your cases, you don’t offer any evidence, you don’t file supporting affidavits, you submit evidence that is not admissible & does not meet the rules of evidence, you quote case law that is not relevant. Very, very simple, elementary, and basic rules in law that have been explained to you in court over and over but to no avail. Do you see a pattern here fuckwit? You have no aptitude for law because the reality is you are autistic and have an IQ of about 40 if you are lucky, but you like to play pretend, even if it is fucking up your life. You have now racked up loss after loss, but you don’t give a fuck because Mummies paying. She get’s nothing but pain out of this and to make it even worse for her you’re no longer fucking her, you’re fucking yourself, in the courts, but please keep going, we need the entertainment, and I don’t have Netflix.

 

[Kiwi & Cow]

Was gifted this game as a joke.

Very basic barebones RPG game with an oldschool overworld map and simple combat. Very bland and uninteresting. The gameplay and atmosphere is so detached from the other games to the point where the FNAF characters feels shoehorned just to capitialize on their well-known imagery. Feels more like a fan-game than an official installment in this franchise. I'm not the target audience for this series but I can understand fans being let down by this odd installment.

 

[Haffhart]

The Saga of Kodemage

Part I

"Credit card!" yelled ubernostrum as he ran his oversized commander card through kodemage's equally oversized asscheeks.

It was humiliating but felt good enough that he never complained too much about it. These were changing days and he needed to learn to be comfortable with every part of his body. After selling his collection of Shadowborn Apostles he nearly had enough money to pay for his gender reassignment surgery. He would have had enough if his stupid mother didn't take away his allowance. Her reasoning was that now that kodemage was a big girl that xir could start to take care of xirself. Kodemage liked the idea of new independence so xir begrudgingly agreed to fund the procedure himself.

"Just a couple hundred dollars more and I'll be ready." Xir thought about selling the new EDH deck that he just completed but that deck represented xir new tranny lifestyle. It was a transform/double faced deck which featured cards that couldn't be defined by binary terms. For some reason xir felt that a sacrifice theme would work well for the Tranny deck but couldn't explain why. Anyway xir needed some cash and the local LGS was the perfect place to find some new Johns with fat wallets.

It would be between rounds of Friday's FNM when the stage would be set. An expertly crafted gloryhole had been carved over the past week in the restroom, covered by Wotc's forced diversity flyers. Now to find some customers...

Kodemage shyly walked over to the EDH table where the freemagic mods were sperging over triggers and whether to ban the best members. Xir hated their alt-right leaning and how they mocked xir on the daily. But push aside xir ego and focus on the funding. Once xir was complete then a new life could begin.

"Hey BracerFag! The women of this local LGS are happy that you are too much of an incel to bother them. You probably couldn't even pleasure a woman with that tiny little [[Isochron Scepter]] in those jeans." Kodemage set out the bait and hoped that BracerCrane would be hooked...

"Fuck you Kodecuck! I've been compared to [[Traxos]] on more than one occasion." BracerCrane gloated with a cocky smile and a glance that held for seconds too long. Yes.

"I gotta use the little xir's room. You better wait until I'm finished since last time your McShit's smell nearly choked me to death." Kodemage made sure to swag xir's hips as he waddled to the restroom. Moments after sitting down in the stall did the entrance door to the restroom swing open and the adjacent stall became occupied.

Even through the gloryhole Kodemage knew it was him. The crust and bile that caked the member was signature of that mod. It was disgusting but made it even hotter.

"Hurry the fuck up fag! I passed my turn with mana up for counters. They will be waiting for me" whispered BracerCrane.

Tears ran down xir's cheeks and the salt added just the right flavor to make this qualify as fine dining. Kodemage became to hum his favorite tune, "Material Girl" The rhythm of which sent a sensation through BracerCrane's body and made him finish in seconds. "Seems my stamina has improved since last time. See you later stupid <3" BracerCrane said as he threw a twenty over the stall door and proudly walked back into the game room.

Kodemage licked his lips with a smile from ear to ear. He knew that once his transformation was complete that she would be the girl she was always meant to be. The door swung open again and xir knew that this would be a long and wonderful night.

Part II

Xir was complete. The tranny operation went off without a hitch and Kodemage could finally walk again after the post-surgery recovery. But xir’s new life wasn’t all roses and wine because misogynists took every opportunity to harass and demean him whenever possible. Just yesterday xir was nearly sent to jail for the crime of using a public restroom. Some woman-hating mother complained to the police about Kodemage talking to her young daughter while taking a shit. Xir was going to be locked up for months until the judge decided to lower the sentence to mandatory psychological counseling. Kodemage couldn’t forgive such a transphobic display from the judge but at least xir could attend FNM.

She would be the first female to attend an FNM at his local LGS and with a little bit of luck – the first female champion. Xir was so giddy walking into the store that he had a shocking realization – he forgot his vaginal dilator (don’t google that). She already needed to go to the hospital twice when the gaping wound closed up again and a third time certainly wouldn’t be a charm. Missing FNM wasn’t an option. Think think. Ah! Kodemage glanced at his double sleeved standard deck. Those Dragon Shields took more than enough Mountain Dew soakings to prove their worth…Kodemage went straight to the restroom and 75 cards became tonight’s emergency dilator. Rounds were called moments later.

Fussomoro was xir’s first opponent. That bigot would be a fitting victim for the first female FNM champion. Kodemage pulled 60 cards out of his gaping wound and presented the deck for a cut. The smell of the bile and pus coating the deck overpowered even the stench of the LGS. Fussomoro nearly vomited up his chicken tendie dinner and yelled for the judge. Ubernostrum approached the table and sniffed the air, becoming visibly erect. “I can’t breathe! Kodemage smells even worse than usual!” Fussomoro cried out. Ubernostrum gave a stern reply fitting on a judge “For the crime of cyber bullying you are DCI banned from any future events from the store.” Minutes later Fussomoro found that his Reddit, Twitter, and BLACKED accounts were all suspended. 1-0 Kodemage

Kodemage sat down across from CucksPlayDota for the round 2. The autism of this opponent would make for a difficult match. As this FNM was BO1 everyone was playing Esper Control meaning that xir’s 4 Mastermind’s Acquisitions would be the key to victory. It would be turn 27 when the pivotal play would be made – a Mastermind’s Acquisition for Sanguine Sacrament for the life gain victory. She cast the spell - digging into her vagina for her sideboard and the one card that would decide the match. “JUDGE” squealed Cucks. “His cards are all marked! The lands are covered in blood, instants in pus and sorceries in bile!” Ubernostrum gave a brief smile as he mouthed the words ‘his’. “Did you just misgender your opponent? The cops are already on their way. #byefelicia.” 2-0 Kodemage

Mary Louke couldn’t stand that Kodemage was getting the attention that she deserved. Even her yoga pants failed to draw the attention of the crowds gathering around Kodemage but she knew what to do. ”Gauntlet_of_might was sending me dick pics! Someone help!” Alas everyone knew that with today’s limitations in phone camera technology that such magnification was impossible and ignored her accusation. She would later go on to write an award winning Kotaku post based off of her bravery in the face of the night’s events.

Kodemage’s arduous journey to the finals of FNM couldn’t be understated. Tonight, FNM, next week, Pro Tour? The next opponent sat down across from xir. Brown stains were crusted around his smiling mouth – the GuyWhoPostsAboutRimming. Perhaps it was how he licked his lips, the musky scent flowing through the LGS, or the excitement of competition that left Kodemage hornier than xir had ever been in his past life as a dude. Xir made eye contact with RimGuy and knew the feeling was mutual. They knew that the womyn’s restroom would be empty and the Esper mirror matches would go on for at least another hour. Giggling like the school girl xir always wanted to be, the two of them snuck off into the restroom and locked the door. Kodemage left a snail-like slime trail as the only clue to the mischief that was about to proceed. 3-0 Kodemage

 

[Filthyphil]

Imagine this look of quiet resentment, her tits bouncing merrily in time to the sound of your pubis slapping her pussy lips, because she's too non-confrontational to tell you
she regrets the drunken moment she agreed to let you stuff her. So you creampie her before rolling over with a grunt and she falls into the fetal, shivering in disgust. Then
the fog of sleep is lifted by the birds of morning and your paws cupping her bare breasts make her feel slimy and she's embarrassed that she almost enjoys you sawing in
and out of her. You deposit in her again and ask if she'd like to hang out later. She gives a yes while squirming away, anything to feel the cleansing spray of the shower
washing you off and out of her. Then it becomes a cycle; the date and the sex despite her disgust of you, the hatred of herself for allowing you into her most private spaces
becomes an addiction. Then it's months later and her baby pooch has started to show. She's crying silently as your vile tongue licks and sucks at her neck while your rod pumps
her. Then it's a year later and she's exhausted because you haven't helped her at all with raising the baby while you both work full time. She's laying under you and your touch
makes her recoil because she's angry but mostly at herself for letting you disrespect her by cheating when she didn't lose the baby fat immediately. She above you in every way
and you dared to go behind her back. But she can tell the baby fat is finally all off because you deigned to touch her for the first time since the alien in her stomach made itself
known. Her breasts are much, much larger than ever before and her skin crawls at you greedy mouth suckling. She rocks as you earnestly invade her secrets and when her love
tunnel gushes with your seed she sees herself old and gray and still this miserable. In that moment, your cum rolling down her thigh, listening to the steady rhythm of your snoring,
in that moment she knows she will kill herself tonight.

 

[Kiwi & Cow]

Fuck free speech and America first!! LET'S KILL ALL NEO-NAZIS AND GRASSROOTS REPUBLICANS!!! I had enough of these fucking assholes using the US Consitution as fucking excuse for their political gains and there should be a mass Democide of those who voted for Donald Trump and AlL ThOsE RiGhTiStS WhO wAnT tO dEsTrOy AMERICA and Ashley Babbit is fucking traitor bitch and she got what she deserved!

I am Titoist, Hoaxuvaist, Monarchist, Catholic Socialist and Liberal Hawk.

For now on it is hunting season of Neo-Nazis, neo-colonialists, paleoconservives, anarchists, Trumpists/Putinists and those damn Neo-Confederates.

It's time to get rid of those stress makers once and for all!

 

[Zhoban]

Hello /b/,

I’d say its been 8 or 9 years since the last time I rammed a stick of butter up my ass while jerking off and fingering my asshole. I did it because it felt really good but that’s not the point of this story. I want to tell you of the events proceeding this fateful masturbation.

I’m sitting there watching The Fresh Prince of Bel Air and around 15 minutes go by and I feel a sticky wetness on my ass cheeks and ballsack. This is when I realized that the butter I had shoved up my asshole had melted and leaked out onto my couch and it had a very distinct putrid stench to it. It had mixed with my shit to create something far worse than shit. It was probably the worst thing I’ve smelt in all my life. It actually smelt many times worse than the time I had stuck a pickle up my asshole and forgot about until the morning after.

While standing there taking in this wonderfully putrid smell I realize that I cannot be the only one to smell this. So I walked quickly upstairs with my ass cheeks clenched not wanting to spill a drop of my shit butter. I pull out from my sock drawer a heavy woolen sock and unload the contents of my asshole into it. I thought the smell was bad before. I now had the urge to do a barrel roll out my window to escape the horrid odor. I quickly tied the top of the sock and left my house.

As I walked down the street a brownish-yellow liquid slowly dripped from the bottom of the sock. The neighborhood kids became very curious as to what was going on and as they approached they caught a whiff of the putrid smell emanating from the sock. This is when Joanna, my neighbors 13 year old daughter vomited what looked like a freshly eaten peanut butter and jelly sandwich all over the street. I nearly came in my pants at that moment. I had the sickest hard on. In fact the only thing keeping me from raping Joanna while she lay in a pool of her own vomit was my sock full of shit butter. I knew I had something to do and I was damn sure going to do it. I kept walking.

I finally made it to my local grocery store. An epic journey it had been. Every asshole in the vicinity could smell the putrid odor but nobody knew where it came from. I can still hear them in my mind. “What the fuck is that smell.” “This smell is so bad I think I am going to kill myself with a hammer” one man said. I even saw a fellow depraved maniac in the corner of my eye. I could tell because he had the same smile that I did. He was laughing with the same glee. I’m sure he’s raped a severely mentally challenged child in his lifetime. I know I have.

That’s when I saw him. The old nigger who sat in front of shoprite saying hello to every asshole strolling by. I fucking hated this man. I couldn’t tell you why. I just hated him. He could smell my shit butter. I could tell because he was gasping for air. I quickly approached him thinking “this will be the greatest day of my life. Nothing could stop me now.” This is when I felt a sudden burst. I realized later that I had shot a load off in my pants right at that moment.

I was arms length from the nigger now. I clenched the sock tight with both hands and swung it at the niggers face with all my might. I hit him in the cheek with such force that the brownish-liquid had sprayed out all over his face. He immediately threw up. I sat back laughing as he washed out his eyes with bottled water. He asked “why?” and I responded by dumping the rest of the socks contents on his head. Truly, I did it for the lulz.

While everybody was distracted I walked into shoprite and quickly shoved as many apples as I could up my ass. It was 4. I left shoprite with the most satisfaction I have ever felt in my life. I remember thinking “wow, I’m such a great person, I get 4 free apples, and I get to go home and jerk off to CP.”

When I think back on that day, I can always remember how sweet those apples tasted. Nothing sweeter.

God dammit /a/. You've completely fucked my life. My fucking family hates me now and my brother-in-law punched me in the face and broke my glasses and it's all because of you.

I was at a family get together at my mom's house and my sister and her husband came in from the west coast and I hadn't seen her in 5 years when their daughter was 2 years old.

So I was playing with my niece and she was the most adorable, playful little girl you'd ever met and my sister and her husband asked what I thought of her and I said "she's an adorable little loli that's for sure".

Next thing I know I'm punched in the face and my uncle and my step father are pulling my brother-in-law off me and he's fucking yelling "I'll kill you, you fucking pedophile faggot". My mom's screaming and asking what's wrong and my brother-in-law yells "this little faggot just called my daughter a loli." And my mother asked "what's a loli" and he said "it's a code word pedophiles use on the internet for little girls. This faggot's a pedophile." Then all fucking hell breaks loose and nobody will fucking listen to me and then my step father says "It would probably be a good idea for you to leave now before you get your ass kicked".

WTF! It was a fucking slip of the tongue. I'm not even a pedofag. I fucking moralfag all the CP threads by reporting them. I don't even like loli hentai. The only porn that really gets me off are traps. But because of one stupid fucking slip of the tongue from hanging out on /a/ my family fucking hates me now.

The evening of October 23rd, 2002, local police uncovered what looked like an underground animal sex club; the cops infiltrated the area and arrested all involved members who were part of NAMPLA, the North American Man Pet Love Association. When questioned about the incident by the press, the leader of NAMPLA commented, "That bitches don't know about my sex club." And when questioned about the number of animals that have partaken in the club, leader Jeff Ox said, "The numbers aren't fully calculated, but we suspect that the figure to be around over 9,000." When the press inquired about his childhood past Jeff only mentioned about last Thursday. He explained, "It all stated in West Philadelphia born and raised, on the playground is where I spent most of my days. Chilling out maxing relaxing all cool, and shooting some B-ball outside of my school. When a couple of guys who were up to no good, started making trouble in my neighborhood, I got one little fight and mom got scared she said, 'You're moving with your auntie and uncle in Bel Aire' I whistled for a cab and when it drew near, license plate said FRESH and there was dice in the mirror. I anything I could tell this cab was rare, but said forget yo homes to Bel Aire. Pulled up to their house around 7 or 8, and I yelled to the cab yo homes smell you later. I looked at my kingdom, I was finally there to sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel Aire."

When the press questioned him about his favorite childhood activity, he simply replied "fapping to cp and furries on Caturday." And also "long cat is long". Many have speculated that if having sex with animals is for the lulz then it's just aawwwriitte, amirite. The judge gave every involved member a ten year sentence, and many cried out in horror "This is madness", while members of the press rejoiced and yelled "No, this is SPARTAAAAA!!!" After receiving his ten year jail sentence, he told his comrades of the NAMPLA club "Tonight we dine in hell!!"

Now many members have passed and most members have become An Heroes and epic fail guys, but Jeff Ox has agreed to given an interview. One question into the interview, he replied "BRB Church."

Hello, this is an awkward message to send because I don't like telling people these things.I am not interested in you romantically or sexually, and some of the things you have been saying have been implying that you feel that way about me. Lately you have said some very rude and disrespectful things to me, and they have made me really uncomfortable. Please do not contact me again.

I'M KOREAN

SON OF A BITCH AMERICAN

AMERICAN IS PIG

DO YOU WANT A HAMBURGER?

DO YOU WANT A PIZZA?

AMERICAN IS PIG DISGUSTING

GEORGE WALKER BUSH IS A MURDERER

FUCKING U.S.A

 

[Wormy]

If we're okay with variations...

I'M LEGION

SON OF A BITCH NCR

NCR IS PIG

DO YOU WANT A TAXES?

DO YOU WANT A SERVICE RIFLE?

NCR IS BRAHMIN SHIT

AARON KIMBEL IS A MURDERER

FUCKING NEW CALIFORNIA

 

[Sealbaby]

I remember when being a pervert was a bad thing.

If you were warped, you tried to hide it, and good for you if you did. If you were going to polish your rod to autopsy photos or bugger a Shetland pony, you did it in the privacy of your own sick, sad home. No one else, especially not me, had to know, and that was great. The best part was, if you decided to crawl out on the roof and inform the neighborhood via midnight megaphone that being urinated on got you hot, you would be told, in no uncertain terms, how very diseased you were. Most people I know don't have too much trouble distinguishing between a "lifestyle choice" and a "warning sign." Yep, in many parts of the world, the idea of making love to Andy Panda is still regarded as somewhat misguided. Most parts, that is, except "Furry Fandom."

I don't know what the hell happened here.

"Live and Let Live" is an excellent, tree-hugging philosophy, but it doesn't do much when the ones you refuse to kill are dragging you down with them. If you like animal-based stories, cartoons, or art, you're a furry. And like it or not, "Furry" means "Pervert." This didn't come out of nowhere, either.

To me, and a lot of other people, "Furry" simply means a fondness for animal-human combinations in art, movies, books... whatever. If you're biased towards Redwall novels, have a soft spot for Anime "cat girls," or can't drag yourself away from "The Secret of NIMH," chances are excellent that you're at least *slightly* fur-inclined. That's pretty cool by me. The Simple Definition is probably what started "furry fandom" in the first place. But you would NOT believe some of the baggage the term "furry" has taken on.

The most obvious one so far would be suspicions of bestiality.

This wouldn't a problem if the furs that did it weren't so damn proud of it. For those of you that were out sick that day in Sex Ed class, DON'T FUCK YOUR PETS. Raping Fido is a 100% BAD IDEA. You're making us all look bad, Goddamit. Do you know what all the other fandoms.. Trekkies, X-Philes, Lovecrafters... call Furries? SKUNK-FUCKERS. And we have these morons to thank for it. "Zoophile" is a cute way of saying "I violate animals for sexual gratification." Period. It's not okay, It never was okay, and declaring yourself "furry" doesn't give you the right to insist that any level of bestiality is a part of the "furry experience."

Getting your rocks off on lower orders of the animal kingdom is bad enough without your partner being licensed by Disney.

Yes indeedy, as we descend just a step deeper into Hell, we stumble across the path of the Plushophile. That's shorthand for "I find this Meeko doll intensely erotic." These are the people who use FAO Schwartz as a singles bar. I don't know who decided that this was a valid excuse for a sex life, but he probably still lives in his mother's basement. You don't have to earn a degree in psychology to figure out how thickly laden with sexual dysfunction the very concept of Plushophilia is. How badly was your id stomped on to get you to the point where you would consider wanking a child's toy? I'm not sure I want to know. But I *DO* know Plushophiles have latched onto Furriness like a swamp leech. When people call furries "perverts," THIS is the kind of crap they're talking about.

... moving on.

 

[Begemot]

You will never cook real italian food. You have no Piccadilly, you have no Piennolo, you have no mozzarella di bufala. You are an amerimutt twisting meatballs and frozen breadsticks into a crude mockery of italian cuisine.

All the “pasta” you eat is half-seasoned and over-cooked. To your face, Italians mock you. Your parents are disgusted and ashamed of you, your “Italian friends” laugh at your ghoulish cooking behind closed doors.

Italians are utterly repulsed by your cooking. Thousands of years of evolution have allowed Italians to sniff out jarred sauce with incredible efficiency. Even amerimutt sauces that are “homemade” taste uncanny and unnatural to an Italian. The excessive garlic is a dead giveaway. And even if you manage to get a starving Italian to eat with you, he’ll turn tail and bolt the second he gets a whiff of your stinky garlic breath.

You will never be happy. You wrench out a fake smile every single night out at olive garden and tell yourself the food is authentic, but deep inside you feel the doubt creeping up like a weed, ready to crush you under an unbearable heaviness like cream in a carbonara

Eventually it’ll be too much to bear - you’ll buy a plane ticket to italy, eat at an overpriced tourist trap, post on 4chan about how 'real' Italian food is overrated, and get stabbed to death by an African migrant. Your parents will hear of your fate, heartbroken but relieved that they no longer have to live with the unbearable shame and disappointment of such shitty cooking. They’ll bury you with a headstone marked with your anglicized Italian surname, and every passerby for the rest of eternity will know an american is buried there. Your body will decay and go back to the dust, and all that will remain of your legacy is subpar cuisine that is unmistakably American.

This is your fate. This is what you chose. There is no turning back.

 

[Astro Loafo]

 

[Sealbaby]

José can you shart, in the local Walmart?
Oh so proudly we inhale, at the cashiers last brapping
Is it the shit-smeared floor, or the plexiglass door?
Oh the McDonald’s arch, the high fructose corn starch
The endless banker wars, for global megacorps
Sending thousands to die, for our greatest ally
José was that a cleanup for those who wageslave?
In the land of the heeb and the home of depraved?

 

[Haffhart]

ELDERS OF ZION TO RETIRE

By Jack Handler
Posted 14:88:69 GMT on 4/20/22

The Elders of Zion, the omnipotent and occult Jewish ruling body that controls the banks, corporations, the media, the governments, and Hollywood, has announced that it is disbanding so that members can retire to Florida and live out their golden years on the golf course.

"We had a good run," said Grandmaster Steinberger, reminiscing over old photographs of world leaders in his shadowy, ominous office at an undisclosed lair. "Maybe we ran the world for just a little too long. Anyway, now it’s Soros’s problem, that good for nothing yarschter."

After three centuries of subjugating the Gentiles from the shadows, the Plan for a New World Order is nearing completion. Though reluctant to leak the specifics for OPSEC (operational security) reasons, the current stage sees the phasing out of antiquated cabals like the Elders. Their duties will be taken up by newer organizations like the United Nations, the American government, and the World Economic Forum. Now the Council of God's Chosen has re-defined its mission in terms of bridge games and making it to restaurants for the Early Bird Special.

Elders of Zion to Retire by the Jewish Weekly
Image by COLLABORATIVE DATA SERVICES
The Wild Bunch: The Elders of Zion, pictured here in younger, more rambunctious days, are hanging up their robes and heading south. Noted Bergstein (third from left), "The only thing I'm looking to dominate now is a Piña Colada."

The announcement comes after several years of doubt regarding the New World Order itself. Though the iron hand by which the world chokes is as hard as ever, many have called into question the credibility and feasibility of the whole endeavor, as Western youth awaken to the reality of life on this planet and the ruling class makes gaff after gaff.

"It's basic psychohistory," says Sean Smith, owner and operator of the Iron Storm, a far-right Neo-Nazi online fakenewspaper. "Those in charge are decadent, corrupt, and largely incompetent. Collapse is inevitable. A serious cult taking over the earth would never roll out drag queen story hour. These aren't serious people. These aren't serious times."

In response, Grandmaster Steinberger had this to say: "Well, the little goy has a point. We've seen our image take a hit going into the 2020s. Between you and me, that story hour thing was just a little schevatch on our part, but it appeases the Old Gods so we kept it up. Hopefully they'll help us organize and lead us to victory."

The organization’s reputation for financial probity has also taken a hit amidst rumors of billions in losses in private Wordle games against Sheikh Hamad bin ‘Isa al-Akbar of Bahrain. According to inside sources, the organization also lost close to $1 trillion with disgraced film producer Jeffrey Epstein and another trillion from their failing pizza chain. "The screams of the Innocent just keep chasing customers away," said Steinberger.

Even before this past half-decade, though, the Elders were facing hard times as they struggled to stay relevant and attract young members. The organization has tried to project a more youthful image, setting up subreddits on Reddit.com (the "front page of the internet") and Twitter accounts, and founding a new “Zoomers of Zion” youth division, which has sponsored a number of singles nights and livestreams. But youngsters haven’t been interested.

“World domination just doesn’t resonate with the younger generation of Jews,” said Marvin Tobman, a professor of non-profit management at San Diego State University and expert on Jewish communal life. “They want the fun of enjoying the world, not the responsibility of running it.”

These recent troubles have worried even some of the Elders’ sharpest critics.

“I always used to complain that Jews ran the world,” said Smith, “But now I’m starting to worry that nobody’s in charge.”

 

[Begemot]

Do not whistle in the dark, especially in the deep woods.
Three notes, which sound familiar, yet somehow unnatural, even haunting. Or a familiar voice, sometimes, even your own voice. Or a sudden urge, compelling you to venture into the darkness.

They eat people. They are real.
They take people all the time, any time, anywhere. In the middle if the city, or in the middle of nowhere. It matters little.
It's silly though, only people who are all alone with no eyes upon them. Or sometimes they are taken the moment a group loses sight of that poor spirit.
They used to take entire villages in the dead of night. A hundred in a night, without a trace. As if everyone just walked away, off into the woods.

They are still here. Their numbers are greater then you might think, if you were so inclined to think of such things existing at all.

If you do think of them, they think of you. If you talk of them, they hear you. If you see them, they wanted you to see them. If you feel like there are eyes on you, then they are watching you. If you feel like you are being hunted, then they have been hunting you for quite some time. If you fear them, then their mouths are beginning to water. If you have strange, dark, disturbing thoughts, then they are the ones thinking them into your head.

You are better off listening to the ones who attack this knowing.
"Take your meds shizo" (this is where we hunt, go away)
"Stop with the psycho babble, liar" (we can see you)
"Dont listen to this idiot/faggot/schizo/liar" (we need to keep them asleep)
"Show me proof/references//its people like you that <insert negative statement>"

(We fired our cannons and they kept on coming, but there's not as many now as there was once before.)

If it resonates, then follow the frequency.

real schizo hours up in here......

 

[Haffhart]

I lived in L.A for like 3 years just after college, and walking the streets of downtown really makes you see the sordid dark underbelly of this city. A city that shines as bright as a diamond, but is faker than a cubic zirconium. You can see it in the faces of the people, and the differences between those trying too hard to make it and those trying really hard to survive. The streets bustle with the atmosphere of hope and desperation throughout the daytime, it clings to you, like the stench of cigarette smoke after leaving a cramped bar with no ventilation. But at night, these are really lonely streets, where the neon lights only serve to reflect off the broken whiskey bottles and tears of lost souls falling into the gutter. The beauty of L.A. only masks it's cruelness, and she's one evil bitch if you don't have a dime in your pocket. She'll laugh as you fall and kick you when you're down. Then walk away with the next gullible sucker, ready to do it all over again. Whoever called this town "The City of Angels" never realized that this place could be so full of demons. There was also a great fusion place on 53rd street but I heard that closed tho.

 

[Begemot]

>A just sense of how little we understand, and of how we can best approach what lies beyond our current understanding so as not to destroy it in the discovering, is an essential foundation for every great human enterprise. Here the reflections of the biochemist Erwin Chargaff cannot be bettered. Scientist that he was, he realised that if we lose the sense of just how much we do not know, we lose understanding of even the little that we do know. He called this sense of fruitful potential ‘darkness’, because it is where we have not reduced the heavens around us to the deceptive clarities disclosed by a flashlight. As a young man he wrote
>>One could say, the great biologists work in the very light of darkness. We have been deprived of this fertile night …
>He felt that our great scientific and technological exploits had ‘diminished irreversibly’ the points of contact between humanity and reality, but anticipated being misunderstood for saying so. And indeed he was:
>>Somebody who had read these words said to me: ‘You seem to appreciate the natural sciences only as long as they are not successful. Darkness illuminated becomes light.’ I could only answer: ‘What is success in science? Illuminated darkness is not light. We find ourselves in the cavern of limitless possibilities. Take a flashlight with you, and you may find you are only in a lumber room. If I know what I shall find, I do not want to find it. Uncertainty is the salt of life.’ And he said: ‘When you say darkness, you mean obscurity’. This I denied; but I do not think we achieved conciliation.
>The essential point is that every disclosure is also a concealment. Every closing down of potential into an actuality – itself a necessary, even fruitful step – is by the same token a limiting of reality to what has been selected. If it had not been selected, one might have discovered something immensely larger within that field of potential – now forever narrowed to what it is we think we clearly know. Remaining with the ‘fertile night’ means not closing down too soon, too readily, on something that looks familiar – the lumber room that shows up by the light of the torch immediately round us – but instead allowing our eyes gradually to become adapted to the dark so that we see the starlit mantle of the heavens immeasurably further beyond. That, not the lumber room, is where science is destined to take us; revealing, if it is successful, not mere clarity, but ever deeper mystery.

>>