Corrupt-a-Wish

[Antipathy]

You are the supreme mega-president of the US of A in 2042. Everything you do must cater to the LGBQPOFWZXXY group of nonbinary genders or a violent uprising will linch your sorry ass out of the white house. Also, you get onto power during a raging war between the US, China, Russia, India, and Pakistan.

I wish to have the 7 dragon balls (earth) in front of me right now.

Congrats. The balls are inert.

I wish for the ability to cure any injury or illness with my mind.

 

[Pepito The Cat]

Congrats. The balls are inert.

I wish for the ability to cure any injury or illness with my mind.

Heh, at least they are a nice souvenir.

GRANTED! You can cure yourself and others of any illness with your mind... And you are also schizophrenic because you hear the deseases in everyone's body. Have fun being institutionalized for the rest of your days.

I wish I was a little bit taller.

 

[MistressCaridad]

Granted, you're now taller- and forever doomed to hit your head on stuff because you always forget that you're taller.

I wish I could go back in time and meet cool people from history.

 

[Pepito The Cat]

I wish I could go back in time and meet cool people from history.

Granted! unfortunately you can't decide which one, it's randomized and you start with John Holmes at a Penthouse party in 1986, already drunk and naked.
Yes, you got 80's AIDS.

I wish for a jar of Goober peanut butter and jam.

 

[Antipathy]

It lands on your head and shatters.

I wish for complete control over the entire universe.

 

[Pepito The Cat]

I wish for complete control over the entire universe.

Granted! You control every aspect of reality through some kind of metal glove with very flamboyant, multicolored, gems on it (not unlike any tween furry persona in deviantart). Your power is absolute and maximum but a rag tag team of heartlings lead by a blue spandex aryan supremacist and a guy with the fucking word WARLOCK in his name manages to snatch it from your hand. You spend the rest of your days as a farmer in a distant planet remembering the good old days and fapping to yaoi.

I wish for a functional keyboard.

 

[Leveilleur]

Granted, but while all the keys are printed the same, two random keys are switched and are unable to be swapped back.

I wish I could play any song on the piano.

 

[Karl der Grosse]

I wish for a functional keyboard.

Granted! Unfortunately your new keyboard comes straight from India and arrives saturated in dried NOWIG semen. It works but it smells like a combo of curry and a steam tray full of ass. Slowly and then rapidly your friends and loved ones drift away. Soon enough it's just you, the keyboard, and the Internet. You add your own deposits onto the keyboard and weep in mingled fear and regret.

I wish I had a library card for the Great Library of Alexandria.

 

[c-no]

Granted, but while all the keys are printed the same, two random keys are switched and are unable to be swapped back.

I wish I could play any song on the piano.

You can play any song on the piano but unfortunately, every song you play ends up sounding like a shitty MIDI

Granted! Unfortunately your new keyboard comes straight from India and arrives saturated in dried NOWIG semen. It works but it smells like a combo of curry and a steam tray full of ass. Slowly and then rapidly your friends and loved ones drift away. Soon enough it's just you, the keyboard, and the Internet. You add your own deposits onto the keyboard and weep in mingled fear and regret.

I wish I had a library card for the Great Library of Alexandria.

You get a card but the Great Library is still gone.

I wish I had the ability to punch anyone without them knowing it was me.

 

[Pepito The Cat]

I wish I had the ability to punch anyone without them knowing it was me.

Granted! You can punch someone straight in the face and they will not see you as the attacker. Unfortunately, your hand and arm bones are now made of very shitty aluminium.

I wish for a season of perfect weather.

 

[c-no]

The weather is so very perfect. Unfortunately, this has unseen consequences on the environment.

I wish we replaced Trump with @Null as our overlord of the US.

 

[MistressCaridad]

Granted, but his first official act is to throw you in IRL Spergatory.

I wish I never had to wait in line anywhere.

 

[c-no]

Granted. You are able to be first in everything. Unfortunately, you end up getting the death penalty and are the first to die.

I wish I was a faithful priest to God who is devout enough to tell people to not avert thine eyes.

 

[Antipathy]

Congratulations, you do. In other news, you're in prison for touching a couple of choir boys improperly.

I wish that all the boards on all the websites that I visit have more activity.

 

[MrJakeTerror]

Granted, but the traffic would crash every site you visit.

I wish I am an unbeatable catch wrestler.

 

[Neil]

I wish there was universal peace.

 

[TwinkleSnort]

I wish there was universal peace.

Granted! Universal peace becomes a reality, and all weapons are blasted into space. Sadly, humans being what they are, an evil genius arises to rule the earth and, as no one is armed, he is unopposed and then kills everyone.

I wish everyone would agree with me all the time.

 

[Meat_Puppet]

Granted! Universal peace becomes a reality, and all weapons are blasted into space. Sadly, humans being what they are, an evil genius arises to rule the earth and, as no one is armed, he is unopposed and then kills everyone.

I wish everyone would agree with me all the time.

Wish granted... everyone agrees with you. And even if your facts are far misled it doesn't matter. Because they are wish bound to agree. One time you told a man the sky was green. That the Earth was flat. And we all live in the ocean. And he agrees. They had him committed. Your power is now limitless.
I wish I could buy any kind of alcohol even if it's illegal.

 

[MrJakeTerror]

I wish I could buy any kind of alcohol even if it's illegal.

Granted, but you become a vegetable after mixing a cocktail of Moonshine and Absinthe.
I wish I am an unbeatable catch wrestler, only enough that my injuries aren't of serious consequence, my opponents can get offence in, and so my matches aren't boring.

 

[Pepito The Cat]

I wish I am an unbeatable catch wrestler, only enough that my injuries aren't of serious consequence, my opponents can get offence in, and so my matches aren't boring.

Granted! You are also a deadbeat father, an alcoholic, excon full of nazi tattoos and you can't get it up. Also undiagnosed pancreatic cancer.

I wish for a coffee maker that never runs out of coffee.