DSP Plays Balding Gate 3

[Pandalee’s Tits]

Because Philbert often drags watchtime itself and funny happens due to him being awful at videogames

Let’s be honest, 6 hours would be ok if it was just all hilarious content. I could just pause that shit and go about my day and resume where I left off later. Unfortunately this is not the case and it’s more like 6 hours of extremely raw and loosely trimmed content jammed together in one huge video. That’s unappealing as fuck to me. If you like that, then I suppose more power to you.

 

[There Is Light At The End]

Let’s be honest, 6 hours would be ok if it was just all hilarious content. I could just pause that shit and go about my day and resume where I left off later. Unfortunately this is not the case and it’s more like 6 hours of extremely raw and loosely trimmed content jammed together in one huge video. That’s unappealing as fuck to me. If you like that, then I suppose more power to you.

To be brief and not to veer into off topic, I like 0utsid3r ones and LWO. They are concise enough to be on point and keep the funny bits in.

 

[Two Yum Yums]

It seems that someone is already working their way through a TIHYDP of Phils Baldur's Gate "playthrough".
I haven't had a chance to look at it myself but

This is unwatchable, pure shit. Every 15 seconds there's an "ackshully Phil is dumb and wrong because..." style paragraph from the video creator who apparently has to regularly remind the viewer how much smarter they are than Phil. I'd rather rawdog Phil's own content, at least there's just one insufferable prick in that.

Pro tip for wannabe detracators: you don't need to explain why Phil is a fuckwit, he is very good at demonstrating it himself.

 

[marlintan]

Oh, @JimiHendrix, Where Art Thou?

 

[Guinan's hats]

Poor @JimiHendrix, I think Phil was so retarded covering BG3 actually killed him.

The rough update is that the pig has made his way through most of the trial of Shar, with much snorting, bitching and consternation.

The good news is that today (2/14)'s stream will likely involve the Balthazar boss fight, one of the first actual skill checks in the game. Unless the discord dents have been heavily feeding him strategy on it (which wouldn't be a huge surprise), Balt is going to body him.

BG3 is on every day stream for this week because it's the only game people actually seem to want to give him money to play.

 

[Prince Lotor]

Oh, @JimiHendrix, Where Art Thou?

i bought a new meal/exercise plan for the gym. my gym times overlap with phils streams, so I won't be posting recaps on the day of anymore, I will try to catch up on him when I can tho. just giving you guys the heads up.

He has less free time to do them, so they'll be delayed. I'm happy to wait for his recaps as opposed to watching Phil.

 

[JimiHendrix]

ya, im busy as a motherfucker. between work and trying to get back into the gym, I just can't dedicate 2pm to 5pm to watching the fat boy. today im not going to the gym because im fucking sore and fat. i need to read some comics to keep up on my job, so I will recap today just for you kids. I'll try and go back when I can to see the streams I missed. for full disclosure I have NOT watched anything since my last post, so I have no idea where he even is. let's take a look.

Spoiler: a holiday treat for you nice kids

"it's crazy to me that this game has so much long drawn out segments. like we just had a 4 hour dungeon where nothing really happened"

phil came across something that has zealot devotion and he mocks them. then when he's attacked, he reloads. "no. I'm not going to fight the entire dungeon because the dialogue option was stupid. fuck you. that was incredibly dumb, are you kidding me? every dialogue option was either insulting or saying be in love with me. im not doing that because your dialogue choices were stupid, I'm not going to suffer the consequences of idiocy"

1. one of the dialogue options was "well, live and let love, I suppose" which would've defused the situation

2. your entire career has been you suffering the consequences of idiocy.

he is now talking to the NPC again.

"see? there's no good dialogue options here, all the dialogue options suck."

"they really want me to lick this thing? they're totally making me lick it?"

there's a dialogue option that says "leave" they're not "making" you do anything.

phil is being handheld by someone in chat named dr.oink, phil dismisses them.

"this is pretty dumb, I'm not gonna lie. they want you to fuck around with a bunch of alternate way to do things, but they're all stupid. it's just like "fuck about for awhile and see what you can figure out""

shocker, phil is made there's no giant Ubisoft gold trail pointing him to his direction, oh well retard.

phil rants and yells about how the map is incorrect and shows paths that aren't actually there, he then finds the path he claimed didn't exist and changes his complaints to the map is "too confusing"

80 hours in and phil is still struggling with the UI

"look, I don't understand, why cant I add talk to dead? it's not here anymore. there's no option to do it, you see that right? why can't I add it now?"

"it's really hard to see the platforming in a lot of these areas"

phil YEARNS for the yellow paint.

"is there something over there worth doing or no?"

how about you play the game and explore?

"alright, this is getting upsetting. can I just fast travel? im lost now."

old man burnell is just stumbling around in the shar dungeon.

"I just can't figure this out. it's pissing me off. i just wanna do it quick and do the mission and not be stuck here for the next hour because they did it like this."

phil has hit the save file limit once again.

phil REFUSES to fight the demon, because as I said earlier, phil wants this game to be a walking sim and he WILL force it to be a walking sim if he can. if he can avoid combat through dialogue choices, then it doesn't matter what the dialogue is.

"choices are final? no, choices are final as long as they're intelligent choices and not from poor game design"

man, that "no save scumming" really did not age well.

phil is hooting and HOLLERING about how badly the game is designed and how it's fucking stupid and he hates it. "we just found what we needed to know, so why can't I go tell him that? i have no idea how to do this. can I talk to him now? why does it act like we're still looking for more clues when we have our solution? i don't get it."

"FUCK THIS. attack the fucking rat, I've had enough. I've had enough. im killing all of the rats, seriously, I've had enough of this bullshit."

"I cast spirit guardians and I cancel it by accident without any warning because the menus suck. that's great"

80 hours in, still doesn't understand how concentration works.

saving in the middle of combat vs the rat army now.

phil has betrayed Astarion and Astarion is pissed.

"oh, here we go. shut up. here, im going to use persuasion, and it BETTER work."

"he's such a drama queen, seriously, like shut up. oh boo hoo."

"I've given you guys everything, I don't want to hear anymore bullshit from any of you. Astarion whining about how he could've known about the writing on his back, who cares? we're not going to leave you a slave, why are you bitching? shut the fuck up man, he's such a whiny asshole."

phil is now struggling to put the gemstones into the altar, this is the hardest thing he's done all game and it's mostly been 2 minutes of him screaming at his chat to tell him how to do it.

"none of this works. none of the things you guys are suggesting works. oh my god, something someone suggested just worked. this game is something else. game of the year, right guys? game of the year. if you guys weren't here this would've been a soft lock for me. yikes."

phil fully admitting if he didn't have chat he would've gotten soft locked on putting round object into round hole, I'm dead serious.

41 year old phil has decided to treat us to a rendition of "listen to her farts."

"let's counter spell him, uh, it didn't work. it totally didn't work"

he cast a level 4 spell, you cast a level 3 counterspell.

phil beat balthazar with no issue.

he smashing his head against 30 dice rolls to convince shadowheart not to kill nightsong.

80 hours in and phil apparently doesn';t know how to dice rolls. he is now reloading the save because he accidentally exited out of the dice roll.

after much whining from phil about dice rolls, shadowheart has decided not to kill nightsong.

"there's no way to finish act 2 today? why not? how long is this fucking act?"

phil has begun the assault on Moonrise tower.

"I guess we're fighting, even though I wasn't ready."

phil thinks the war should wait for him.

phil is hard saving in the middle of moonrise tower and is ending stream.

alright. i missed some stuff because I got a WOMAN talking in my ear. but I will try to be here Friday if I can. i hope you guys enjoyed this. i only did it because of the people saying they missed me.

 

[Fapcop]

alright. i missed some stuff because I got a WOMAN talking in my ear. but I will try to be here Friday if I can. i hope you guys enjoyed this. i only did it because of the people saying they missed me.

God-tier detractor right here!

You know, it’s the strangest thing btw… A game that Phil hates and rages over constantly is the only thing that brings in money… Weird!

Isn’t that weird?!

 

[Guinan's hats]

I'll take the L in announcing Balthazar was going to wash him. Balanced difficulty is basically dent proof, and despite himself Dave has managed to understand some of the mechanics of the game.

 

[Cyber Bowling]

phil is now struggling to put the gemstones into the altar, this is the hardest thing he's done all game and it's mostly been 2 minutes of him screaming at his chat to tell him how to do it.

For the benefit of anyone who hasn't played the game...when you need to put items into something, you click on the item in question, then there's a giant "insert" button and you drag something from your inventory into the empty slot above it. That's it. I do think there are some valid complaints about the BG3 UI, but this is one of the areas where it really is perfectly fine and about what you'd expect from any computer game.

phil has begun the assault on Moonrise tower.

"I guess we're fighting, even though I wasn't ready."

Again for anyone who hasn't played, you get a cutscene of a rescued angel raining holy fire on the tower you're about to assault. Then when you arrive at the tower, your allies will tell you they're getting ready to attack and you lead the charge. As far as I'm aware, you're allowed to rest as often as you want until you're ready to begin the assault.

 

[There Is Light At The End]

phil is now struggling to put the gemstones into the altar, this is the hardest thing he's done all game and it's mostly been 2 minutes of him screaming at his chat to tell him how to do it.

That made my day. It's drag&drop. Nothing fancy and yet, he fumbled that

 

[JimiHendrix]

here comes the fat boy

Spoiler: assault on moo-rise towers

phil said he's ready for Act 2 to be over, despite him only exploring like, 45% of it. He never met Halsin in Act 2, he didn't even go to Lights Rest or whatever the fuck the village is called. Didn't meet the Bartender, there's honestly tons of shit he didn't do in here.

"is anyone going to talk with me today? it seems like everyone's ignoring me"

you're literally sitting on the menu asking how to use druid abilities.

karlach is fucking dead.

"THEY STILL GOT ME WITH HUNGER OF HADAR?"

the enemies are having their turn now and phil is NOT happy.

"I mean, what am I supposed to do? i can't even revive even if I want to and I can't hit anyone. they won't allow me to hit anyone. i can't even revive."

"this is just shitty because none of us can get out of this. we're all stuck. i don't know what they're expecting me to do. we're all boned, right?"

1 AoE spell and phil just gets murdered.

"why don't I have an action? i have no action!"

after 85 hours phil STILL doesn't understand revived characters have no action on their next turn.

"you have no action if you're revived? i wasn't revived. i was downed."

"does jaehira have good range? like, can she walk far?"

that's not what range means?

"what? what happened? WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?"

phil tried to use Pounce, a leap ability, on an enemy directly in front of him. this is a traversal ability, he didn't read what it did, and literally just jumped in the air and fell on his face, then got beaten up.

"I don't understand this fucking game. what just happened? i said to pounce and she fell on her own face. this fucking thing is stupid man. she's going to die now, by the way"

why did you use a traversal ability, on someone in front of you? pounce is for jumping across the room. why did you use it point blank? she had 2 other attack abilities?

Jaehira is getting the shit fucked out of her and phil is FROTHING at the mouth

"LOOK, THEY'RE JUST POUNDING HER"

"I pounced on MYSELF? what a great game. game of the year right? fucking terrible."

"HE CAST HUNGER OF HADAR AGAIN? YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING, THEY CAST IT AGAIN"

"this is some crap man."

he's really not happy about this one fight.

"CONCENTRATION SAVING THROW? FUCK you, seriously, this is fucking bullshit at this point."

"the combat is so clunky and clustered, you cant' see what you're aiming at, you can't see where you can move. the moment this gets too complex it just sucks, i can't tell what's happening"

i mean, seems pretty straightforward to me? you're getting your shit pushed in.

"i can't get out of hunger of hadar, it should've been gone, but he had a concentration saving throw. complete trash, it should've been gone."

phil is so mad that he tried to do something and the game said no.

"he STILL succeeded in concentration? are you FUCKING kidding me? we hit him with an arrow and an ice spell and he's still concentrating? we can't get him to stop casting hunger of hadar. no matter what we do, it continues. this is fucking bullshit, alright?"

"concentration saving throw STILL successful? we still can't stop his concentration, i want you to think about that"

phil can not break this mans concentration.

"that's four attacks in a row that we can't break this mans concentration. how broken is this? it's so broken, that shit's not fun, that is fucking stupid."

"does anyone remember what the revive item is? is it a potion?"

he's now going through his inventory item by item because he doesn't remember how to revive people.

"this spell requires concentration, so it's terrible."

phil is literally avoiding any spell that has concentration listed, that's hilarious.

phil felt the moonrise courtroom fight was "messy and not very well done."

"do you see what i mean about this fucking game? what's happening? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON"

phil walked into a fight and is extremely confused.

"i can't do anything. i can't fight or help. everyone's fighting each other. what just happened?"

i mean you coulda like...attacked...if you wanted to be involved...

"i literally need to take a break. this game is falling apart at the seams. i need to take a five minute break, i can't take this anymore. i feel like my brain is scrambled, like, what is happening right now? i need to step away, what the hell dude."

"this whole part of the game seems incredibly glitchy"

i haven't seen any glitches?

phil has confronted Ketheric.

"well, this is shitty because were convincing him and now it's just over and we can't convince him"

like i said earlier, phil really wants this to be a walking sim.

phil has brutally murdered Kar'niss, not sure if he had to, Kar'niss wasn't hostile in my fight with Ketheric.

"huh? he's gone? i don't understand"

Ketheric teleported out of the fight and phil is fucking flabbergasted.

phil got his brain eaten, what little of it there is, by a mindflayer.

phil encountered an audio bug and restarted the game, then started mocking how this is the game of the year despite being very buggy.

"we had like 7 or 8 bugs today, like Jaehira pouncing on herself which was incredibly stupid."

these are the types of moronic things he lists as "bugs"

"this is nonsensical nonsense"

he has such a way with words.

phil is displeased he can't cast heal on an undead target to damage it.

"i don't think i have any brains-"

good voice clip.

stream is over. next stream will be phil taking on Myrkal.

 

[Fapcop]

lol!

If Phil had half a brain, he’d think long and hard about why his “fans” are only throwing money at a game he HATES, and come to a rather unpleasant conclusion about his following.

Then again, that would require that Phil would have theory of mind, which we already know is missing.

 

[Pepper Jack]

That and they’re all 6 hours fucking long.

If any TIHYDP detractors are reading this can you please slim that shit down to like an hour or two tops? God damn.

I know that the SOK was cringe overall, but one thing that I agree with them on is that shorter TIHYDPs are better. Also TIHYDPs don't need sound fx or memes every 30 seconds.

 

[LiquidCancer]

Feet Dragging simulator. He is SOOO SLOW. A few streams ago he said he was comfortable with combat. Then why are we taking multiple minute long breaks for each turn to ask chat what they think he should do?

 

[Burl McMillan]

Then why are we taking multiple minute long breaks for each turn to ask chat what they think he should do?

Let's see here... (strokes patchy goatee) Phil is an interactive streamer, and someone says "why does an interactive streamer have to ask chat about the game so they could take part in the experience?" Hmm... (stares into the camera with a smug face for 10 seconds) gee I wonder why, ACK ACK what a silly question.

 

[There Is Light At The End]

stream is over. next stream will be phil taking on Myrkal.

how long it'll take him to figure out that you need to help nightsong before attacking the avatar?

 

[Love Is Blue]

how long it'll take him to figure out that you need to help nightsong before attacking the avatar?

he probably already knows via his dents or a guide

 

[JimiHendrix]

i got really fucking high last night and only now woke up. so I've missed a few things, but im here in time for the ketheric fight, let's go.

Spoiler: ketheric boss fight

phil tried to convince ketheric to just not be evil. he succeeded the roll, but there's no redemption for ketheric.

myrkul is coming.

phils reaction to seeing the God of Death is "fuck this guy."

"oh fuck him, why am I afraid of him?"

he is the literal God of Death, phil.

we have spent 6 minutes on trying to figure out how to get lae'zel over to the angel character.

"the games inventory system is fucking terrible, so, im never going to find anything"

he is now scrolling through his inventory, we are still on lae'zels turn, it has been ten minutes.

"guys, are you ready? i have to tell you something. this isn't fun. maybe some people with a super analytical mind can analyze this for an hour, but it's not fun for a normal person. a normal person just wants to play and kick ass. just let me play. this is boring. seriously. this is boring to ME and MANY MANY people. MOST people who bought this game probably never got this far, like, what the fuck?"

phil getting literally IQ checked on turn 1 of the Myrkul fight.

"literally everyone in chat is making excuses. none of your explanations work, none, it's all bullshit."

after much debate and screaming, phil managed to move lae'zel and do what he wanted.

phil has beaten myrkul with little issue.

"how the hell did a slaver become this powerful?"

are you fucking retarded? we fought an entire civil war over slavers, is he fucking serious?

"of course, none of this makes any sense"

why not

"none of this makes any sense what so ever because she doesn't explain how they still control elder brain because you took the third crystal. this makes no sense at all, also, what's the significance of baldur's gate? none of this has been explained, I guess you're just supposed to understand the lore I guess and I don't."

phil reads the letter from Ketheric's child that he kept on him all this time, the note simply reads "papa, I love you" phils response to this is a quick "what an idiot."

"there's more before act 3? this is ridiculous dude. this game has no concept of pacing, it just wants to keep throwing tons of content at you over and over. like, I get it, but you want to feel like you're accomplishing something"

phil is rushing through the game and mad it won't just end, apparently.

phil is confused by the reveal of lesbians.

"uhhhh....this is fast? uhhh, we really needed to see this right? this is very critical to the story"

phil is mad that two women kissed on screen.

"why is the curse still here? this is stupid."

because you made no effort to break it? what do you mean

past 20 minutes have just been looting and discovering shadowheart's backstory. nothing worth commenting on.

phil completely forgot that Karlach knew Gortash.

"it seems like everyone's story is going to culminate in act 3"

yeah, that's what an act 3 is, phil.

phil fully admits he wants to reach act 3 within the next hour.

"what the fuck dude, why is it two turns to equip my weapons? whatever, I don't care. the game system is dumb as fuck. complete waste. i can't do anything, literally nothing."

he's mad he got disarmed by some enemies.

"it's MAGIC, how the fuck is my path interrupted when I'm using magic? i hate it, I fucking hate it, this shit makes no sense at all, fuck, man."

"why does he get two full turns? i don't understand that. why he gets two full turns?"

what do you mean? you were just bragging about how lae'zel is so good because she gets 5 full turns, what part are you not understanding here?

"ok, that's it guys. say goodbye to act 2, we're moving onto act 3. finally."

phil has finished act 2, he never made it to Lights Hope, he never encountered the bartender, he didn't meet the weird demon hunter guy, he didn't help Halsin lift the curse (though the curse was still lifted anyway, I'm actually not sure how that works.)

"so, I don't know what's going on."

phils really engaged with the plot.

"the missing is pissing me off."

I don't think I've ever seen phil use hold person, despite it being one of the most powerful spells in the game.

phil wanted to know who the dream vistor was and he just learned.

"wait a minute, why are we helping mind flayers? I'm very confused."

phil has sided with the emperor.

"the misses are getting ridiculous at this point, like every turn is a fucking miss, seriously?"

alright, I skipped through this fight because I got shit to do, but phil saved in the middle of a convo with the emperor and is quitting the stream.

phil bum rushed to act 3 as fast as possible.

 

[RougeRed]

phil tried to convince ketheric to just not be evil. he succeeded the roll, but there's no redemption for ketheric.

You can, but you have to have also succeeded on the earlier rolls to persuade him to quit being a douche, or you get the result Phil did.