Dumbest thing you've done while either tired or drunk?

[Motherboard]

Now I've never been drunk, but good fucking god I've done some dumb shit when tired.

From jumping off the roof of a treehouse onto a trampoline to arranging to fly my ass out to the west coast just for a booty call, I'm not the brightest when tired.

What hilariously stupid things have you done before while either under the influence or tired to the point of complete incoherence?

 

[FluffedFerret]

Joining Kiwi Farms.

 

[Ronald Gaygun]

Got wayyyyyy too enthusiastic about Jace for a few minutes while drinking with colleagues at the campus bar, ended up convincing my editor I was friends with a guy who called himself FaggotKiller69.

 

[Billy of Hills]

Joining Kiwi Farms.

ha ha nice joke bro

 

[Tismo]

One time I was so tired I peed on a paper bin until I realized what I was doing. Thankfully there was a bag over it so no spills were made.

 

[Arkangel]

I made an OK cupid account while drunk once. When I sobered up I cleaned it up and tried to use it for real but it kept trying to pair me with trannies.

 

[Rai]

Years ago, one time after a big party, some guys I met that day dared each other to go for a swim in the middle of the night, in the middle of winter. We climbed over the fence of the nearby university, and I went for the biggest, world destroying cannonball of all time...

And promptly fell six meters into the completely empty dive pool and broke my kneecaps. One guy jumped inside after me to try and help me out, and got stuck there with me until morning when my dad came for us.

 

[Broseph Stalin]

While drunk: My 22nd birthday, I was smoking a cigar in a dive bar. I accidentally inhaled and then exhaled through my nose. Dear god, my nose fucking burned for hours.

While tired: I was up for 2 days straight trying to finish a big ass presentation for my psychology class. During the day I had to take a mean shit, and I somehow ended up in the restroom. I nearly fell asleep on the crapper until my adrenaline went into overload at the sound of women talking. I was in the women's restroom. I kept my legs up because let's face it, there aren't many women with hairy ass thick man legs. I stayed in the stall for about fifteen minutes or so, just waiting for the right time to get up and leave. I'm still paranoid about that incident sometimes, like maybe someone noticed me emerging from the women's restroom. But on the hilarious side, I did leave a big ass log of shit and mound of toilet paper in the women's restroom.

 

[Mark Corrigan]

I proposed to a hooker in a nightclub.

I tripped and fell on all fours right in front of a guy who's now my boss.

On a drunk night out I lost my friend and went away with a hobo. Don't know what happened afterwards, but I woke up at 6 AM on a sidewalk.

Took a girl home from a bar, we were so drunk that we both passed out in separate rooms when I was off to get my condoms.

That's it, really.

 

[ShavedSheep]

Had my roommate join Kiwi Farms

 

[GS 281]

I was dating this chick a while back. We would usually chill at her apartment, not for any reason in particular, but it is where we would hang. This was before you could stream anything and everything, so we would just watch DVDs and drink and have fun. One time we decided we were going to make some stir fry. She went and passed out on the couch, while I cut up the chicken and was getting it all prepared. I was getting the pan ready and sprayed it with that non-stick spray. I wasn't paying attention and turned the flame for the oven on. I was spraying the spray still for no good reason, and I sprayed the flame for the stove. A small flame shot out the side. I thought that was awesome for some reason, and I decided to experiment. I turned on another burner and just when I went o spray her fucking cat jumps down, getting nipped in the tail by the flame. The cat jumped, landed on the slick pan that was already being heated and kept trying to get footing to jump out. The cat eventually got out of the flame, but it was making "mowwww" noises like it was hurt.

I went to try and help to help the cat but it ran from me. I was digging under her bed and all the sudden I heard *POP*! I set the aerosol spray non-stick shit down on the stove with two burners on. Anna woke up and was like AGH!. I run out and she is still laying down on the couch. I looked in her kitchen and the burners were covered in plastic gunk from some model thing she had over the stove, it all stunk and it was all smoking. there were small flames burning out on the counter and floor. I knew it would be over once she saw it all, so I did what I had to do. I said "it was nothing babe, let's have fun" she mumbled "okay" and I gave her what I knew would be my last performance. She sobered up when the smoke alarm went off a few minutes later, but it was too late.

I didn't see much of Anna after that. I think she moved back to the country. You booze, you lose.

 

[AnOminous]

I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

 

[Cuck Norris]

Fucked my ex girlfriend.

 

[The Knife's Husbando]

LOL. Fucking hell, where to start?

My crew and I partied lots back in the day. Me, Sebastian, Tom, and Erin- Sebastian's GF. You hear about experimenting with drugs? We went into full-scale research.

One summer night, the four of us were in Sebastian's bigass 1988 Buick, parked on a dirt road behind my mom's house sharing some drinks & smoking pot. The neighbor up above us was an ex-K9 cop, and occasionally just to fuck with people using the dirt road to get high, he'd let out his three German Shepard police dogs. Well, we were just chilling there and had just finished up about a fifth of tequila and a quarter of really good weed, when all of a sudden Tom announced he had to go pee. So he got out of the car and headed to the nearest tree. About thirty seconds later Erin started giggling like hell & said "hahahahah...LOOK! A fountain!" Yep. Tom had tipped over while peeing. We just laughed about it for a few minutes, and then we heard faint barking in the night. Remember the police dogs? We didn't.

Swear to god. It took a long time to type this, but it took all of two minutes IRL

Next thing I know, we pile out of the car, root furiously around in Sebastian's trunk, and the three of us are standing between Tom- who is still horizontal, and now passed out- and three incoming police dogs. Armed with a tennis racket, a golf club, and a battle ax. The barking was getting closer, then Erin had what I call "a moment of clarity": "Guys. There are three sober police dogs coming. We're all drunk. And high. THIS IS A BAD IDEA." Panic time.

Okay, everyone back in the car.

Sebastian actually got the car started, then we remembered Tom out there. Since I was the one with the battle ax, I was voted to fetch him. Okay, out the door like gangbusters. FUCK! I can see the dogs coming down the hill. I grab Tom up -who still has his pants down and junk out- and sling him over my shoulder & run like hell back to the car. Now he's both awake and yelling at me, wondering what's going the hell on. I get the thirty feet or so back to the open car door, flop him down on the ground, he stands up trying to get his pants back up, and with the dogs about one swipe behind me, I kick him in the small of the back, ramming him into the car in a "U" shape, toss in the battle ax (which busted out the opposite window) and dived after him.

Tom: "DUDE! WHAT THE FUCK!"
Me: "I just saved your ass, asshole!"
Tom: "Well, you coulda..."
Me: "Left you to get your dick chewed off?"
Tom: 'YOU ALMOST HIT ME WITH THAT AX YOU FUCKER!"

Then he grabbed the first thing handy, a half full 3-liter coke with the top off, and came at me. I responded in kind with the aforementioned tennis racket. So for about five minutes there is this furious CQC soda-going-everywhere melee going on in the back seat. We're talking cartoon-cloud fight while Sebastian & his girlfriend are laughing their asses off.

Then all of a sudden, we paused at the same instant. It seems that jostling around that much isn't that good an idea with a bellyfull of booze. Cue heading to a window (and getting tangled up again) and a mutual trip to puke city.

Good times.

 

[GS 281]

LOL. Fucking hell, where to start?

My crew and I partied lots back in the day. Me, Sebastian, Tom, and Erin- Sebastian's GF. You hear about experimenting with drugs? We went into full-scale research.

One summer night, the four of us were in Sebastian's bigass 1988 Buick, parked on a dirt road behind my mom's house sharing some drinks & smoking pot. The neighbor up above us was an ex-K9 cop, and occasionally just to fuck with people using the dirt road to get high, he'd let out his three German Shepard police dogs. Well, we were just chilling there and had just finished up about a fifth of tequila and a quarter of really good weed, when all of a sudden Tom announced he had to go pee. So he got out of the car and headed to the nearest tree. About thirty seconds later Erin started giggling like hell & said "hahahahah...LOOK! A fountain!" Yep. Tom had tipped over while peeing. We just laughed about it for a few minutes, and then we heard faint barking in the night. Remember the police dogs? We didn't.

Swear to god. It took a long time to type this, but it took all of two minutes IRL

Next thing I know, we pile out of the car, root furiously around in Sebastian's trunk, and the three of us are standing between Tom- who is still horizontal, and now passed out- and three incoming police dogs. Armed with a tennis racket, a golf club, and a battle ax. The barking was getting closer, then Erin had what I call "a moment of clarity": "Guys. There are three sober police dogs coming. We're all drunk. And high. THIS IS A BAD IDEA." Panic time.

Okay, everyone back in the car.

Sebastian actually got the car started, then we remembered Tom out there. Since I was the one with the battle ax, I was voted to fetch him. Okay, out the door like gangbusters. FUCK! I can see the dogs coming down the hill. I grab Tom up -who still has his pants down and junk out- and sling him over my shoulder & run like hell back to the car. Now he's both awake and yelling at me, wondering what's going the hell on. I get the thirty feet or so back to the open car door, flop him down on the ground, he stands up trying to get his pants back up, and with the dogs about one swipe behind me, I kick him in the small of the back, ramming him into the car in a "U" shape, toss in the battle ax (which busted out the opposite window) and dived after him.

Tom: "DUDE! WHAT THE FUCK!"
Me: "I just saved your ass, asshole!"
Tom: "Well, you coulda..."
Me: "Left you to get your dick chewed off?"
Tom: 'YOU ALMOST HIT ME WITH THAT AX YOU FUCKER!"

Then he grabbed the first thing handy, a half full 3-liter coke with the top off, and came at me. I responded in kind with the aforementioned tennis racket. So for about five minutes there is this furious CQC soda-going-everywhere melee going on in the back seat. We're talking cartoon-cloud fight while Sebastian & his girlfriend are laughing their asses off.

Then all of a sudden, we paused at the same instant. It seems that jostling around that much isn't that good an idea with a bellyfull of booze. Cue heading to a window (and getting tangled up again) and a mutual trip to puke city.

Good times.

Then who was phone?

 

[The Joker]

While drunk I decided to eat a whole large order of chili cheese fries with my friends then order a long island iced tea on top of it. I threw up on my laptop that night while watching a movie night here.

 

[The Knife's Husbando]

Drinking story #2

Do you know why I used to say I liked backyard parties instead of roof parties? Because it's hard to get drunk as hell & fall off a backyard.

We were up at my dad's shop partying one night when my parents were out of town. Just hanging out around a fire in his forge, drinking. My dad's shop was about a hundred feet up a steep hill from my back door. The last spring, my dad had rented a backhoe & scooped out a sizable compost pit at the base of the hill, right behind the house's back door and it'd gotten more than a bit grown-over with weeds.

Well, back to the forge. A buddy of ours had shown up, and had some weed. We all smoked up, and then Sebastian started complaining of cottonmouth, and I told him I had lots of soda in the fridge in the house, Feel free. Well, he staggered off, and I suddenly remembered to warn him about the steel clothesline my mom had halfway down the hill to hang our laundry on. I hollered at him about it, and we heard this.

"It's cool. I remember it's ther...AUUGGHHH!" He screamed like hell.

Then we all ran down the hill. Sebastian had disappeared. It was like something out of a horror movie. A scream, rustling bushes, and then silence. We called, yelled, looked. NOTHING.

LOL. He was okay. I found him the next morning. He had stepped over the edge of the compost heap in the dark & fallen in, knocking his ass out cold, and the weeds had hid him.

Fucker had actually gotten drunk enough to fall off a backyard.

 

[Dr.Research]

When I was studying in Norway I decided to down an entire six pack and my Russian roommate got to see me shirtless as I puked myself silly in the toilet. But she was cool about it, brought my a glass of water.

 

[Carlos Thin]

Was once drunkenly making out with a 14 year old when I was 21. Everything was going fine until she started talking about transition year (10th grade, voluntary in most schools in Ireland) and I tried to post bail, but she was holding on to me to stay. Fortunately my friends, like clockwork, were looking for me and burst through the door.

Got really drunk off free wine at a festival, stole someone's toothbrush, and got caught using it.

Bought some shrooms before a party, about two good doses worth. Took half of them and waited to come up; got to the party an hour later (the wait was approx. 40 min.), and still felt nothing. Feeling cheated, I took the rest to see if I could get anything out of them. As soon as I swallowed the second dose, I came up on the first. I believe they call it the hallucinogen's fallacy. I also hadn't told anybody I was on anything. I spent the next 6-7 hours either hiding in corners, staring at my phone, or walking to and fro town trying to meet people and then subsequently running away from them. Constantly I muttered to myself "It's just the drugs..."

 

[The Knife's Husbando]

Drinking story #3. Summer of my senior year.

We started playing "mailbox baseball". Hitting someone else's mailbox from the back of a moving truck with a baseball bat. I know it's both dumb and illegal, but we were young, stupid & bored as hell. So we'd get sloshed or high, or both, and go out in the middle of the night & thwomp some mailboxes.

The problem is, it gets kinda repetitive after the first couple of nights, So we moved on.

"Mailbox basketball"- throwing a water-filled basketball at the mailboxes. "Mailbox hockey"- hitting them with hockey sticks. "Mailbox fencing"- swinging a sword at them while passing at about 60 mph. We even did "Mailbox synchronized swimming" one night- where we stole about fifty mailboxes, filled them with Styrofoam packing peanuts for buoyancy and wired them together into three concentric circles and left the lot bobbing about in an apartment complex's public pool. Fast-forward two weeks. The gang is at my place having more than a few drinks, and notice that I have a museum-quality reproduction 12' long Norman boar spear on the wall above my bed...

MAILBOX JOUSTING!

Next thing I know, It's the middle of the night, and I'm standing in the back of Sebastian's truck, with the spear crouched under my arm, as we're hauling ass down the road. He yells back to me "Tuck under! Hit the red one!". So I do. Do you know what happens when you dig a boar spear into a mailbox at about forty miles an hour?

An impromptu pole vault. Google "Class three lever".

I'm in the back of the truck, then I hear a god-awful "WRUNCH" sound as the spearpoint wedges itself into the mailbox, and then I'm about twenty-odd feet up in the air. Moving. At speed. HALP.

Thank God I landed in the holly bushes.