Chapter 12, Roller Derby. AKA. Good lord, can you get some real problems, Ellen?
We start heavy this one, in this chapter we get a little deep into the problems that Ellen was having due to being a lesbian and then, problems with her girlfriend at the time and gender as a whole.
At one point when she finished doing Juno, for a slight moment, she considered the idea of retiring from acting altogether. Which in my opinion should've been a wise move in the first place. And oh no, it was because those evil nazis in Hollywood would make her wear dresses and and makeup, oh the horror! So much so that she wanted to kill herself, she doesn't have a problem admitting that.
And it really got into her. To the point of being disturbing.
I really can't stand her melodramatic descriptions of the anguish of wearing a dress. You're doing a photoshoot, not going to a fucking concentration camp. Just what is that train of thought?
And here we have the first instance of Ellen punching herself to self-harm, like, really showing the trans joy early. And showing the schizo ramblings, some people here have talked about how that voice is just a dramatic tone for the book, but I don't really see it that way, if she's punching herself to knock out the voice that was stalking her. That's psychotic, no matter how much you try to see it.
She ended backing out of the film, but don't worry, she got work fast when having a work with the other equally Hollywood fuckup, Drew Barrymore, in her debut as a director in the movie, Whip It. A role that she would like to do and film.
She liked playing the role of Bliss, since identified herself with the character, and the love they had for roller blading. She described roller blading as being greater than the glamour of Hollywood. I can see the passion when she writes about it, it seems that it's one of the few things that bring her actual happiness.
But problems once again emerged from doing the film, first, she was dating Paula at the time, and couldn't do much to visit her, or Paula visiting Ellen, she had a tight schedule and couldn't make it. And this only furthered her stress and depression.
And she pretty much felt how it is the average experience on living in the shithole that is Los Angeles for a long period of time, it started to mess with her head a little bit more.
But then she had an idea to bring Paula more closer to her, she would bring Paula and hire her as an assistant, so in that case she would make an income for staying with her and doing long travels with Ellen. Eventually they would have a chihuahua named Patti.
And Ellen though that she had all figured out by this lifestyle...
After starting living together in a house in Hollywood, the problems would start sooner than later. She would start feeling the horrible business that is having a personal life in Hollywood as an actress, and being eaten alive by paparazzis, not to mention that her depression was starting to get worse. And Paula was in a position of not knowing anyone but Ellen in that place, kind of a unconventional place to be when the only person you know is the neurotic crazy lesbian.
And Paula also was not feeling comfortable with the idea on her being closeted all the time and feeling that Ellen was hiding her from her own family, but apparently Ellen was the one most suffering there because "she was trying to make this work".
And this only got worse when Paula's parents got into the picture, leading up to a very awkward exchange of words with her mother.
Followed by Ellen again sperging about them hateful cis bigots who got revered for interpreting gay and troon characters and she didn't anything for doing it. Apparently it was told by their managers to not talk about her personal life. And apparently their word was a lot more important than what her supposed loved one had to say, she really didn't think this through while writing it?
And here... I've got nothing to say, she's 100% right in this statement. Literally the first time that I agree on her in this fucking book. I'm certain that there are a lot of other actors that went to this path, although they didn't ended up being a drugged up, mutilated, plastic fuckup like Ellen.
And she's still trying to connect rollerblading with queerness for some reason.
Then, she talks about her experience filming Whip It, apparently, this was a pretty fun experience to her and the girls filming. Another good time for her doing a movie.
But then again, she was having too much fun with the girls, and for some reason she wouldn't feel like belonged with the group.
And then, she started having a friendship with this girl called Kristen (Adolfi). To the point of them having fun making a whole musical with just the two of them called the Unidentified Beast. And once again she felt the connection of being a friend.
And when she had this level of confidence between her and Alia Shawkat. The truth would finally come out of her lips, she really hated living in LA.
And for a short period of time, she dissociated from the situation. Another normal thing when saying something so shocking to her friends.
She went more personal, saying that she was feeling miserable.
And she finally opens up, I get the feeling that she was opening up also to the reader while describing her situation in that moment.
Then she broke up with Paula, feeling that this feeling would stop. But it never did, putting her in a more miserable situation that she started with, to the point when she finally was appointed to a therapist.
And the experience went as well as you might expect. And the last frontier was assuming her gender. I get the feeling that her therapist was a libtard. The chapter ends with her having to decide if talking about her gender or not.
. Unless we've already read all of it and it just ends abruptly?
