- Joined
- Jan 23, 2019
[CAREERCOW]: Kahn Souphanousinphone
The Laotian in motion, former Californian now living in small town Texas. Probably the only white collar worker on Rainey Street, Kahn uses this to dunk on his neighbors for being hillbillies. He constantly one ups Hank and often rubs his upper middle class lifestyle in his face, as seen above. This attitude actually cost him his job once for showing Hank a classified project, plunging his family into a financhu crisis. In fact despite looking well off the family is actually a financial hit or two away from losing everything, like one time Kahn actually had a mental breakdown and briefly became a redneck. He turned his house into something that makes 14 BLC look like Hearst Castle and as a result the mortgage company immediately started foreclosure proceedings despite only missing one payment. Kahn soon snapped out of it , sohe avoided a homeless saga for his family. With his family dynamic his wife Minh is pretty much in lockstep with his arrogance, he is super tough on his child prodigy daughter, wanted a son so badly that he decided to name his daughter "Kahn Jr." , the only relative that actually acts superior to him is his father in law. Outside the neighborhood he kisses the ass of Ted Wassanasong, one of the few Lao in town and he's super wealthy. Kahn tries in vain to join the Asian country club and become besties with Ted, he even wants his daughter to date Ted's son. He fails to realize that he will never be like Ted and you most often have to be born into that level of money.
[LOLCOW]: Jimmy Wichard
Legit retarded concession stand manager who may or may not still work there. Legend has it he stared directly at the sun and fried his brains. He's so retarded even Dale wouldn't trust him with a gun. Very prone to tard rage if he thinks you've wronged him.
[CAREERCOW]: Peggy Hill
Incompetent substitute Spanish teacher that makes "Ricardo Weston Chandler" seem fluent. She's so full of herself she thinks she's an expert in the language, even correcting people's already correct (or mostly) pronunciations. This all came to a head when she twisted the arm of one of the language department heads to lead a field trip to Mexico despite only being a sub. It went exactly as you'd expect, some poor butcher had an interesting work day though. However a little girl tried to sell her gum and Peggy failed to understand her and thought she was a student, smuggling her over the border by accident. She realized it and returned her, and immedately got arrested. Instead of babbling on about the Dimensional Merge or falling under the delusion of being Jesus she thought she was getting a commendation for heroically returning the girl. Chris levels of plot armor had her sit before a judge the same day and she demonstrated her Spanish to the court, she was immediately let go. No jail saga for her.
[SADCOW]: Bill Dautrive
A fat balding divorcee in a perpetual love quest, only got china once from his dead cousins' widows. Once a star athlete his life went downhill after joining the army, where he's a barber to this day. He married a whore named Lenore and it didn't last long, Bill pined over her for years until he finally stood up to her during his Ann Richards saga. Despite that his love life has been cursed by Clyde Cash, every venture failed and some of them were his own fault. His divorce happened around Christmas and that was a stressful time of year for him for a while. At it's peak he attempted an hero before Hank stepped in to stop it, then he trooned out as Lenore.
Misc. notes:
-Dale would have an account here to post "The Gribble Report" and try to get a thread started on Hank, but since Hank has his shit together he isn't lolcow material. Dale would then get halal'd but be allowed to stay because the community would find him too funny to ban. They even play along with the "Rusty Shackelford" BS.
-Cotton would have an account here too and post until his death. His profile would be full of RIP messages.
-Buck Strickland would freak out and think KF was going to go after his business after seeing stuff about Hank posted there. It'll play out like the video game episode only Hank would fall down the Chris Chan rabbit hole instead. He would think about Bobby ending up like that and it'll scare the hell out of him.
-Dale would find out about Chris too and try to troll him, and would actually succeed.
-Reverend Stroup would be active on social media decrying the farms for religious reasons. She would get doxxed and a whole Keffals tier shitstorm would erupt.
