How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

  • 🔧 At about Midnight EST I am going to completely fuck up the site trying to fix something.
It's a mixed bag for me. Still out of a job, and despite putting in for a variety of places, no one seems to be hiring in my area for whatever reason. Much as I hate to say it, I might end up having to take a retail position; giving myself until the end of this month before I'm desperate enough to go back.

Aside from that, my writing project is starting to pick up a little steam; still in the planning stage right now, but I've got a chunk of ideas that I'm going to make once it really kicks off. Only two issues are figuring out some monster designs and figuring out how/where the plot starts in the first place.
 
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Scream Aim Fire said:
It's a mixed bag for me. Still out of a job, and despite putting in for a variety of places, no one seems to be hiring in my area for whatever reason.
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My trick has always been researching the place, and then calling the place and asking to set up an interview.

Literally just calling and saying "hi, my name is Scream Aim Fire, I just put in an application and I'm wondering who I could speak to about setting up an interview."
 
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Scream Aim Fire said:
It's a mixed bag for me. Still out of a job, and despite putting in for a variety of places, no one seems to be hiring in my area for whatever reason. Much as I hate to say it, I might end up having to take a retail position
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Retail is in a chokehold, slashing hours, tightening belts. Q1 is already a flaming wreck.
 
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Slav Power said:
Not good. No idea how to stop myself from doing things that I know are bad for me and get myself to do things that would be beneficial. Pretty much all of my problems stem from my lack of action but I have no idea what it is that has to change in my mind to finally start acting. Whether it's cowardice or laziness, I don't know. Plus I have no idea what to do or what it is that I even want to do, or what it is that I actually want. For now I'm just coasting, waiting for things to happen. Maybe I'm expecting for too much to happen in a short timespan which makes me increasingly angry, but at the same time I don't want to coast any longer knowing how much time I've wasted already doing nothing. I don't even know myself, I'm angry and confused and I can't think clearly about what to do. It's a shit spot to be in and it's all a me problem that I can't solve. Not that I'm a unique case in this.
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Consider trying to create a mental separation between past and present/ future. You may need to work out some of the past and to work to free yourself of feeling like the past is predictive or conclusive. But try to block off the past except when dealing with it directly (if you are typical, you will fail and fail and fail at this, but with time and effort, the number of failures in a day will reduce), and in the short-term, just focus on being very, very present in every single thing you do (and I mean walking to the bathroom or brushing your teeth or whatever - literally forcing your mind, over and over, to be there in that thing) - bc that can help differentiate the past/things you cannot alter and the now/ things you can chip at. Don’t wait for an epiphany or a burst of energy - those will come, but not as easily when your mind is cluttered or constantly pulling backward.

Mental and energy changes are not quick adjustments, and you should expect up & down days or moments. Sometimes you will coast or float. But if you keep coming back to “now,” you can start creating new neural pathways (I’m speaking loosely) and may start finding your way out of the forest.

And I agree with what some others have said - that understanding both how your brain works, and, if there are inputs from the past, how they affect you, can be very helpful in improving your ability to move forward. But that’s a parallel investigation, not an endpoint.

Juan But Not Forgotten said:
"Sometimes we are so afraid to make the wrong decision that we decide not to act at all." I can only advise not to be harsh on yourself. You're already on edge over this stuff, so pushing yourself further not going to help a thing. As for the time lost - this is unwinnable game. You can always regret over not spending it more efficiently, but as they say "the best time to plant a tree was 30 years ago, the next best time is now".
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Quoting to endorse this.
 
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Rekeita's Kidneys said:
I think the general life advice is do the opposite of what Jews encourage, it's a path to happiness and success.
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I don't know, I think making a shitload of money, looking after people in your ethnicity/religion and getting most of the world to shit itself in terror and at your mere existence as if you're the final boss sounds pretty lit.
Rekeita's Kidneys said:
Legit, dying alone with a slug in my head is a preferable fate to dating a coalburner with a triple digit body count. At least I'll have my fucking dignity lol
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You realize you don't have to date a nigger, right? Or a whore?
I don't get this line of thinking I see a lot. You don't have to go on online dating. In fact, I honestly actively discourage it for most people nowadays.
Also seriously, stop talking about shooting yourself.

Ultrapenguin said:
All that.
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Yeah, that's the general gist of what I think most people are going through now. A lot of people look at the modern world and just see no reason to prop it up, because fucking why? It makes sense if you have children to take care of or you've found a field you actually enjoy. But a lot of it just feels... empty. Even the fields most people would have gone into throughout history when they couldn't join the rest of the civilized world (arts, academia, archelogy, ect.) have become mostly another way to hawk merchandise or prop up legacy conglomerates lately that there doesn't seem to be much point in them.
There's an old film called The Devil, Probably that kind of tackled the malaise and ultimate nihilist depression that comes from living in an advanced capitalistic world back in 1977. I'm surprised it hasn't gained traction more recently. But that requires millennials and zoomers to watch films that are more than 20 years old.
But yeah, it just seems like the whole "the end of history" everyone was talking about in the 90s actually happened. It seems like everyone's just living in a time where it seems all the great innovation and changes in culture have passed and most people would desperately rather live in an age either 30 years before or after now.

 
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I'm fucking pissed bc one of the kids in the foster system i got assigned* to has a hearing this week about a major legal ruling and the youth in question won't take it seriously and it's like, being a dumbfuck teenager who is rightly mad at the world is normal, but this is your future. Youth in question was dealt such a shit hand and I get why youth doesn't trust adults but we've talked about in literal and abstract terms for so long and i've done my best to push for youth in the System Bullshit Feed Lot that I don't get paid to do and don't have to be here and just tell me what you want/think and I can tell the judge or court lawyer directly and bypass the shitty state system.

*
I aint gonna win Saint of the Year Award and don't want to. I do this work to tilt the scales in the favor of someone(s) who can't and when was the last time you were four and tested positive for meth and I know what this is can't be made public for obvious reasons. I dont want asspats and my family and friends dont know about any of this except for the ones who had to answer the background check calls. I'm just beyond pissed bc I know this kid is fucked and will be in lockup in less than year after aging out. Even with support for aging out kids, which is so important, it's almost a lost cause. I'm in favor of killing death row inmates after reading numerous court case files (a good lot of them were in the system at some point....) and taking that money and doing the best to give kids in care whatever the best chance you can. Fuck you.

I've just never been this pissed about the whole thing so far but as mad as I am, the Youth is so much further behind.

I'll keep on working at it bc change starts at home.

On the plus side of life, it's a big flake snow outside and that's always soothing.
 
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Nick Obre said:
I wonder what happened.
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She did.


On a brighter note, the other day was just... really swell.
You ever just wake up one day and everything goes... right? Like nothing crazy happened, but I woke up early and every interaction I had was just pleasant. I got a drink for the woman behind me at a coffee shop, legitimately not knowing her or knowing she ran the art gallery downtown and we talked for a bit. I wasn't trying to flirt or anything. It just felt nice to do. I wasn't really thinking of the future so much. Not the past either. Wasn't thinking about the powers that be ruling the world, or shit from my childhood. Just felt nice waking up and carried that throughout the day. The march air is also beautiful here. I got off work halfway through the day and watched a couple italian horror films with my friend with a nice pizza.
Just... I really need to start sleeping better and just putting out some good energy. I'm not talking any "woo" here. Just when I wake up early and just try not to care what anyone thinks of me... those are the days everything goes well.

Also have gotten to the point in life where I don't really want to get too much more frivolous stuff anymore. There's still plenty of stuff I'd like to have. But I've gotten to the point where I'm pretty much... good. I have all the books, records, dvds I could really want for now. I'll still get them from time to time, but right now I really just want to get a car. Too bad they're still retardedly overpriced. But yeah, in certain ways I'm pretty content with what I have in terms of material possessions. I'll still buy stuff here and there, but I don't really have an itch for anything.
 
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Ultrapenguin said:
It's a really strange phenomenon, and a lot of times my brain feels so distant and cooked by it all that I can't even remember what it was like existing back in a time when it felt like things actually happened and there were engaging prospects in the world. I'm not even sure what a person's supposed to aspire to anymore. Tbh someone could hand me a million dollars a year for nothing, no need to worry about money or work, and I'm still not really sure I'd know what to do with it.

It's not even like a depression thing (although it is fairly depressing), just a bizarre overarching sense of incongruence and alienation from it all, and the only way to cope seems to be to wake up every day and try to focus on whatever is in front of you at any given moment.
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There's not much to strive for except breaking out of the system. That's why so many kids want to be influencers or youtubers. There's fewer permanent jobs now, lots are contractual, seasonal, or stepping stones to something greater and it's not like there's much free time to catch up with old friends consistently or anything resembling a community.

A few of my co-workers love me but people aren't meant to have intense connections which last for a couple of months or a year and disappear when the project is over or someone moves.
 
Seems like I'll be getting a new job with a 5k raise; same responsibilities but room to advance as a sysadmin (hopefully) I think the organization has 600 more people to support but we don't have to answer phone calls and get bitched at by old retards who don't know how computers work so thats good, I'll just get to do tickets all day.

This current job I work is kinda retarded; they promised me they'd move me to Cybersecurity in November but 2 slots opened and the top 2 eligible guys (me and some other guy who knows python/automates shit) got passed over for 2 other guys who didn't even want it and didn't even know they were in the running. Performance based raises are also coming this month and I know for a fact its just a 1% raise, so I'm getting out of here.
 
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Starting my first round of chemo tomorrow. Already doomscrolled through how shit of a time others have had with this regiment so I'm really not looking forward to this. Work has been super accommodating which is nice, but I'm the type that throws themselves at work when I'm stressed out so I'm not at all thrilled to spend my time rotting away on the couch after inpatient rather than being able to do anything.
 
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WASR96 said:
Starting my first round of chemo tomorrow. Already doomscrolled through how shit of a time others have had with this regiment so I'm really not looking forward to this. Work has been super accommodating which is nice, but I'm the type that throws themselves at work when I'm stressed out so I'm not at all thrilled to spend my time rotting away on the couch after inpatient rather than being able to do anything.
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damn dude that sucks. take care and random assholes online are pulling for you.
 
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