How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

I don't even bother with that bullshit because I don't care. I literally don't care if I die tomorrow. This world is crap and I don't even want to exist in it, because it is worthless.

Also I am from a race of people where every single male ancestor I have drank all day and often smoked cigarettes and somehow still lived into their eighties, so fuck you.

Also have you ever heard this song? It pretty much encapsulates my philosophy.
I've been blisteringly MATI since last night. Thank you, this gave me the laugh I needed.
 
I've been having medical anxiety again. It sucks because it's like a battle between two minds. The problem is I've been very sleepy lately when I didn't use to be. Logically? I likely need more sun and vitamins, and at worst I'm anemic. But then you've got the anxiety in the back, talking shit like "yo your kidneys are failing and if you fall asleep you will fall into a coma,". When rationally, I know that's not the case. I'm just low on shit. But no there's not a moments peace around here because anxiety exists.
 
I've been feeling massively deppresed and like my mind is slipping lately.

I am having fucked up dreams and i wake up feeling very weird and not really rested. Whats been bothering me more is that there seems to be a continuity to the dreams, like in one i was in a weird sort of beach town i've never been into, then days later someone in the new dream references that previous dream and asks me about that place and i sit there, in the dream, remembering the previous dream and wondering how the fuck this is happening. Also, death people keep showing up and despite most people i cared about being dead the only one that keeps showing up is one i don't particularly like seeing at all, is like this person is pestering me. In the dreams i would often recognize familiar places but then turns out they are all changed on the inside or not the place i thought it was, like i think i am certain i am in front of an old friend's building but it turns out it has a mini mall inside and a food court that the real building never had and i realize i am not in a familiar place at all, the actual location doesn't twist or morph or anything , i don't get transported like usually in dreams, i will step out and still looks like the building, its just a similar place with a different interior but it keeps consistent as i walk around and look at it again, which is fucking odd.
 
I've been busy lately, but I'm doing good. I have jury duty coming up. I hope that goes well.

Also, though I've been an adamant atheist my whole life, I have been more interested in religion in recent years. Maybe it's because I'm getting older or because the world is becoming a more awful place or all of the above. Who knows where my religious studies will take me?
 
A couple hours ago my sister stepped on my laptop cable, causing it to suddenly shutdown and bending the tip in the process. When I started it up again I got a PXE ROM erorr, and after messing a bit in BIOS I discovered that my hard drive is dead, and with it a 500 page file that I worked on for almost a year.


my last backup was in April.

I don't even have the energy to get angry at her (or rightly myself), I just feel beaten down. I still enjoyed shopping for a new hard drive though.
 
Living solo with occasional "paperwork" has been driving me insane the last 12+ months (I'm something of an extrovert it seems). My university has a bunch of engineering students taking a summer intro chemistry lab course and they were desperate for teachers/TAs. Signed up and began doing SOMETHING academic and interacting with humans again (my god -- also money is decent). Feels good so far...

keeds.gif

(Keeds are good so far). Bought a mini bluetooth boombox for music in lab class and will play Carlos Santana next session (me keeds approved). Curious what you autists think would be good lab section music?
 
Getting by, I suppose. I'm still generally depressed, but I'm keeping with the daily exercise-two or three hours at a time-and continue to see results. Much more energy, better posture, etc. My mom told me today she tested positive for COVID, so I'm pretty worried about that, even though her prognosis is good.
 
Today I had to review and edit an article I wrote and I feel super insecure about it. It's cross-disciplinary and I feel really out of my depth when I have to talk about things I'm no expert in, like maybe I'm using the wrong terminology or I'm being too un-nuanced, or I say things that are just plain wrong. I'm flattered that they asked me to write it, but I feel real fucking dumb right now.
 
Back