Doomposting.
Fucking hell, what did I even experience in real life, even when I genuinely have mental issues? I used to endure serious motor injuries, deaths of many people, including my beloved ones, cynicism, apathy, nihilism and misanthropy in general. Whilst I generally am a human like the others whilst thinking positively, I still is incapable of getting some irky shit that still lives rent-free in my head, even after I tried my hardest not to humiliate myself further from that “interest” and do my best to move on. Not to mention, I suffered from brief schizophrenia and sometimes being delusional to the mind that I fucking hated myself over it.
I never show any kind of ego, excuses, arrogance, impulsiveness or immaturity, but when I get stressed out excessively or worse, I become what I deeply hated inside. I put myself into the leyline of being a laughingstock, a nothing in life; or even some other niggers who never actually get or felt any understanding for people in general, especially of their bad mental health. I put myself in way too much harsh situations and prone to fall into procrastination, which was something I do not like, for a passionate artfag and workaholic. The “interests” that I have or planned still be there, and I am deeply regretting every single moment of the day, plainly because I never want to involve, join or have any interests in it at the first place, and wished to move on. It sounds immature, I get it; but when it lives rent free in my mind, I show genuine remorse, disgust, fear and even a lot of hesitation trying to talk about it, as if I see it that makes me cast away from society. I tried to cope depression with a lot of methods, but sometimes it gets too far and it made me desolate with severe anguish. It is a serious problem with my mentality and functionality as a human.
Every single thoughts to my own life, all I think of was self-deprecating myself, having a harsh view towards myself, expressing insensitivity and nihilism towards almost anything in life, and prone into volatility in general. I never wanted to get really angry over something as small, yet I do. I started to develop a self-reflection of myself and my mistakes as if it was a demon, and I harbor deep hatred for myself, in spite of a successful life. I get stressed out, I hated myself even more, I procrastinate, I hated myself even more; anything as a mistake that I did, I just felt like I hate myself further because of the past, shit I involve in, embarrassing interests and worst of all, my better/slightly worsening mental health issues. I was so fucked up that there was no point of just coping, all I can do was to sleep trying to get out of my self-deprecation, repeating the shit in life. It was why I stopped gaming as a whole and dedicated my focus on my passion; I lack many interests, and resort to extreme anguish when I felt I made a bad mistake or decision. I always look at the shit I made with a lot of envy, fear and remorse at the same time, fearing for my life not to humiliate myself even further.
I think myself if I was beyond repair and just be “humble” as a coping method. Money and other methods are not the way to save yourself; I constantly forgot about my meds, I tend to prone to lost and forgot some of my memories, I tend to sleep far lesser than 8 hours and starts to reflect myself more. I felt it was like I was on both a positive thinking path and on a cliff of mentality deterioration at the same time. English is not even my first language, and when I speak it with grammatical mistakes, I got embarrassed; when I want to complete something I deeply regret or never want to join it in the first place, I get embarrassed and scared, so I call myself multiple words callously to made me feel a bit fine about myself. It was like I took amusement through getting insulted, yet the people around me show concerns over my overall negativity.
Although I repeat this again, I was on a positive path, I was also close to the cliff. Coping was my main thing in life, as well as being a workaholic and a artfag at the same time. I fear that if I continued being an insufferable cunthead, I would be cast away from society. It felt like I am slowly broken apart into pieces due to mental nosedive into self-deprecation since youth. My life was like a ticking time bomb, as I suffered learning difficulties, delusions, voices in my head, sometimes insomnia and sometimes schizophrenia. I want to better myself, but my inner thoughts felt like it wants to broken and leak. Every single fucking time. I cannot think well, even for an average-minded person. I felt like I was broken myself even more than I do, in spite of me being genuinely happy or enjoying life, neither scared or desired death. I felt like I was slowly ripping myself and my brain starts to become vulnerable and mush as I let my self-deprecation nosedive further. I fucking hated this, and never want to tell this, but I want to say this at the same time. It was a two-faced reflection, and I felt if I want to break into crumbles more because of my vanity.
