How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

[ilovecornsyrup]

Maybe you don't know it but you probably have. Don't hate yourself.

I don't think I hate myself. It's just that if I was to die today I would burn in hell and I don't think most people would even disagree.

This is a PL but I spent all my teenage years being a junkie and while I don't want to spell out the logistics you can probably figure. Now I'm sober and have my own apartment, a non-soul-destroying job, and I guess I feel fine apart from there being a hole in my heart. I kinda feel like a convict who has walked out of a prison, after having spent most of his life there, who doesn't know what to do with the real world.

I know that my past has made me jaded and bitter and I try to counteract that by being optimistic and nice to say my coworkers, but I think it will never be enough to counteract everything I have seen and done. I know what I deserve.

 

[Getmeout]

Well I do partially agree with you. You should kill yourself. I could normally empathize with someone having such crushing self esteem and depression, but the difference is that I wouldn't want my worst enemy to feel this way. I just want to vanish and not be a burden to the world anymore. You though, you want your sickness to infect those around you, so fuck you, down the road not across the street and do a backflip while you're at it.

If I hate myself for being black every other black person should.

 

[BackToBack]

This might be over. Everything that happened recently made me realize that I don't have future and my destiny is to be cashier at local store and nothing more. I don't know what to do after finishing my college degree because I have no academic skills, no social skills and the only thing I can do is draw mediocore pictures that wouldn't lend me to anything. And the sad thing is I pushed myself into this corner when I was younger and don't know if I even can fix anything now. My family always said that I will became something great and I'm sad I did not meet their expectations. I would do anything just to my life to be better but it's too late.
I'm thinking to maybe make my own art blog, but again, I'm not that interesting for anyone to follow me. Maybe I just want to met new people through it.
I'm a sad lonely faggot and here's some embarrassing info about me please don't bully me!

 

[The man The only man]

I'm thinking to maybe make my own art blog, but again, I'm not that interesting for anyone to follow me. Maybe I just want to met new people through it.

Become interesting, you reached your "rock bottom" and that allows you to have enough room to get some autistic obsession or hobby. I didn't have many interests but after I spinned the wheel and chose metal machining as an obsession, my life became more stable due to having some sort of self-confidence. You are basically admitting that you are a blank piece of paper, thus the only thing to do is to start doing something with that piece of paper. Just do something, anything, and keep doing it. Creativity and any other immaterial things are also muscles, so train those things.

 

[nycifer]

I honestly felt bad for a fellow associate this morning shortly before clocking out. She was in OGP and typically, I hate all OGP associates because they're notorious for getting in my way and being oblivious. But I also hate what their managers put them up to and this is one example.

So this lady is in the hallway with me and she is still recovering from her arm being broken, because weeks ago I saw it in a cast. And she's having to get to a box about above her height and mine. She struggled to pull a pallet jack on her own and she started to break down and curse her manager for taking a vacation. Which I get because I need to talk to mine and that bitch takes a vacation right around when I need to talk to her most.

Guiltily, I helped her with that pallet jack because she was trying to move pallets around so she can get a ladder cart in enough to use it to get to said box. She was just upset that her recovering arm is getting strained again and that her manager is putting her up to ridiculous tasks. I know, because mine have been doing this to me too in all the years I've worked in the store.

So after helping her, even offering to get said box for her so she wouldn't have to shuffle so much, I guess she was so upset that it went over her head. So I left her alone so I can do my task and she was really ranting up a storm that I could hear about what she does and the same repeated stuff.

I couldn't even be mad. I get it, girl.

 

[BackToBack]

Become interesting, you reached your "rock bottom" and that allows you to have enough room to get some autistic obsession or hobby. I didn't have many interests but after I spinned the wheel and chose metal machining as an obsession, my life became more stable due to having some sort of self-confidence. You are basically admitting that you are a blank piece of paper, thus the only thing to do is to start doing something with that piece of paper. Just do something, anything, and keep doing it. Creativity and any other immaterial things are also muscles, so train those things.

That's a good advice but everytime I do something I sick for validation and everytime I don't get it I feel like that one friend who does too much. I think I have to visit a psychologist because this isn't normal but I feel like there people out here who need this more than I do and I'm too scared to say what i feel to stranger in person. Thank you anyway, I think I will try something new when I have free time and energy for this.

 

[JustStopDude]

I get a call late last night that I need to do remote tuning for an aerospace site on the East Coast.

"When is chill in expected to be complete?"

"We need you online at 0700est"

"Is that when chill in is expected to be complete?"

"I'm not sure"

They keep doing this to me. They need the fuel system chilled to like 76 Kelvin. This process takes a lot of time and it's always an arduous process of discovering leaks, fixing them, ect. There is no fucking point in me waking up at 0400 my time, just to be told there is a delay.

Guess what happened? There is a delay. The engineer on the other end is making me check in every 15 minutes for a status update. I'm about to check in and it's already getting to five hours of delays.

I need only one hour to do what I need to do. But since they pulled this shit, even if we start now, I have to charge them six hours of double time. I'm literally sitting here eating my entire quoted budget of man-hours. And that wouldn't be a problem except this fucking customer fights tooth and nail every time I submit a change order to a project.

This is so stupid. I keep telling them to call me within 1 hour of start. I don't need to be tied to a computer all day, wasting the project budget.

I fucking hate doing aerospace jobs.

Update- more delays. What a shock.

Update 2 - now the estimated start is between 1200 - 1300 my time. So those following at home, at best, I have to charge them 16 fucking hours of wait time because they demanded I be available at 0400. Your tax dollars at work. I get to deal with a pissed off wife and kid because Dad is stuck attached to his fucking computer all day.

 

[Otterly]

know that my past has made me jaded and bitter and I try to counteract that by being optimistic and nice to say my coworkers, but I think it will never be enough to counteract everything I have seen and done. I know what I deserve.

OR…perhaps somewhere an angel is singing with delight that someone who was in such a state has their life back on track? I am glad you have, and wish you only peace and happiness from here on in

Welcome, Reaper. You're my bro.

I think it would be sad for my children to lose their mother, because I love them and they love me and losing a parent has to be a fairly large disadvantage in life. But other than that I don’t have anything I get up for in the morning, or look forward to, or desire to live for that is achievable. The idea of being where I am in another thirty years is pretty unpleasant.

I just hope for a bit of rest. I wish I could just turn to dust after death.

Yeah, I feel like that as well. To just fade out, from an existence that couldn’t hold me.