Today was, without exaggeration, the worst day of my life. Everything has come to hit me all at once.
I have been systematically, methodically broken down by people who claim to love me with one breath and deconstruct and deride me with the next. I was beaten for years, and emotionally abused for a decade, by the very same people who did the same damn thing to my mother for my entire life, and my family still gave me to them without a question.
I have been repeatedly and viscerally betrayed by people that I trusted, that I walked into their home as their son, for 23 years. Every time I've ever tried to escape it, I have been stabbed in the back by false friends, I have been left out to dry by flakes and idiots who decided it wasn't worth our 'friendship' when I left their troon cult, and I have been rejected by the God I have tried, harder than anything, to follow faithfully.
I do not have the strength to continue being the punching bag of my family, 'friends', and neighbors, with only a few strangers on the internet to give me even a single molecule of dopamine. I do not have the strength to be a homeless, dejected faggot who couldn't survive a perfectly average American life. I am so sick and tired of nothing in my life ever turning out even 'okay' , and today, God willing, I'm going to do something. I say that, but at the end of the day, I'm too cowardly to even end my own life, because God knows I'm not vile enough to take somebody else's or put myself in a position where someone has to take mine. I just need to think of a way out of here first, the rest can come later. I'll be in a position to scan my options when I'm not having to worry about my sanity.
I'm sitting in the guest bedroom of my childhood home, with my 'family' on the other side audibly bitching and moaning about how much of a failure I am, the only friend I ever had going straight to voicemail whenever I try to call him, and the closest thing to God in this moment is an old, earmarked KJV bible that isn't gonna solve shit.
