How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

Had an extistential crisis and cried in the car for the first time since my birthday. Really missing my friends and there’s nothing around here that interests me in terms of friends. Like the one DnD club here is for actual children.
What’s worse is I don’t know if I miss my friends or the memories. Plus going back there would be super expensive even for a few days and according to my sources they didn’t do shit for commencement for the 2020 kids. It’s not even like I can go to a convention around my new area as they all got cancelled thanks to China.
I get so attached to fictional characters because I realized they can’t leave me. They can’t betray me like actual humans have because the second I make friends with them they leave. Even though I still have my family, it’s not the same and it just digs the dull blade deeper into the wound before drowning it in salt and lemon juice.
 
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Post-op appointment with spine surgeon this morning.

He removed stitches, or rather one long, running stitch.

Took X-rays. All the hardware is well-seated and spine is growing bone to complete the fusion. You cannot believe how happy I was to see those X-rays, after all that's happened. 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 Vindicates my take-it-slow-and-easy approach toward recovery.

Asked what the likelihood of developing sciatica in the future was. Surgeon said rest of spine in good shape, so pegged it at less than 5%. 👍👍👍

Got some physical therapy coming up, see surgeon again in a couple of months.

Celebrated by going home and taking it easy all afternoon.
 
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The towel rod I was talking about. The answer from the customer service was basically this "You got to make the decision yourself". Yea, no. I'm not buying the towel rod to have a 50/50 chance on if it can be glued on. Fucker couldn't even send a pic of the backside of the rod.
Bought instead a towel rod on ebay, that has sticky adhesive thing on.

Lurked on a forum that translate into the women guide. Bunch of catty middle aged women bitter about men, so they blame men and "protect" the poor wimen. Glad the farms is up though.
 
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Finally not relying on the prescription painkillers I’ve been on for over a year. Since my surgery I’ve been in way less pain and have been able to get by with exercise and paracetamol. Life feels good. Still have a tube out of my stomach because I need to let my bladder heal (they took a load of endo tissue off it), and I have developed a further resentment for munchies because seriously, who wants one of these fuckers?
 
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I thought getting the job I did would make me feel better long-term because I was goddamn miserable where I was but I’ve been at this place for over two months now and the emptiness is back. The only thing that helps in the short term is reminding myself that I’m of no use to anyone outside of the work I do. I’m just a tool and when I wear out I can be thrown away and replaced and at least that simplifies things.

EDIT: Jesus fuck, I just want a purpose beyond existing to breathe. And no one can give you something like that, you have to find it and I don’t have the fucking energy. Someone upthread asked if anyone cries for no damn reason; yes, several times a week, but I don’t feel anything when I do. It just comes out.
 
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I have done nothing for the last three weeks but drink to excess, eat whatever I can find and make with a minimum of effort, sleep, cry, and fake my way through work. I don't see any end in sight. I have no desire to do anything. I'm not going to kill myself. I know that, but I don't want to be alive anymore. I want my misery to mean something, but it doesn't. I have been replaced and my despair means nothing. I feel pathetic just admitting this. Trying to find some comfort in the pity of strangers.
 
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If I was born like 40-50 years earlier I sure would have been loved to be a designer and engineer. Helping my country build buses, trucks and stuff like that. I loved industry.

I sometimes wonder how could it would have been to paint concept art with marker pens, and build stuff out of clay etc.
 
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My mom and brother got into a screaming match over the air fryer not being clean enough because appearantly I didn’t clean it good enough for him (I didn’t even see the grime he was talking about.) and then they were accusing each other of hitting one another and not good times. I’m at least getting an air fryer of my own our or it!
Aldo the loneliness at night has not gone away. Which is even worse because of the shower thoughts that keep me up at night
 
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Shit fuck mother fucker i just ate bat soup.

Currently in my late grandparents country house/cabin, the well pump is dead and 300 ft underground, neighbors allowed me to use their well when needed. Old school open groundwater well with a little doghouse built over it, pump switch indoors, neighbors not in, so used the backup crank and bucket. Filled up a water canister with the first bucket and took a swig, pulled out another bucketfull and theres a bloated, decomposing dead bat in it. Puked up about two pints of recently ingested perfectly good guinness right there.
 
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