jokes thread - WE NEED MORE DEAD JOKES THREADS

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whats the quote on a gravestone from a math teacher?

"looks like he didnt calculate that one"
 
Three guys are going on a ski trip. Being the slackers that they are, they didn't book a hotel until the very last minute. The place was packed with other tourists, so finding somewhere to stay was impossible. After looking for hours, they find a tiny inn with only one room and one bed available.
They've been looking forward to the trip for months, they weren't gonna let something so trivial stop them from having a good time, so they book the room and go to bed.
The next morning, they wake up feeling great. One of the guys tells the others "Man, I had the most vivid dream. I was on the slopes, and suddenly this chick pops out of the woods and starts going to town on my hog."
Then the other guy says "what a coincidence! I had a dream where this hot ski instructor was rubbing me off like she was polishing a doorknob".
Then the guy in the middle says, "I thought my dream was cool, but it's nothing compared to those!"
The other two ask what his dream was, and he answers
"I dreamt I was skiing"
 
A guy walks into a bar and orders a glass of whiskey. He notices a horse at the back of the bar and asks about it.
The bartender says, "We got a special going on today. We'll give anyone a free drink and $500 that can make that horse laugh. Wanna try?"
The man shrugs, walks over to the horse, and whispers in its ear. The horse starts laughing. The man walks back and asks for his whiskey and $500.
The bartender, surprised, says, "Double or nothing says you can make the horse cry."
Again, the man shrugs and walks over to the horse. The bartender turns his back to grab whiskey off the shelf, and then hears sobbing. He turns back around to see the man back at the bar and the horse in tears.
The man says, "I'll take my two whiskeys and $1,000."
The bartender pours the man his drink. "What did you say to make it laugh?"
"Easy. I told him my dick was bigger than his."
"What did you do to make him cry?"
The man takes a sip and casually replies, "I showed him."
 
A Jew and a Chinaman are sitting at the bar discussing history. The Jew says, "How does it feel knowing your people caused America to join WWII?"
"What you mean?" the Chinaman asks.
"You know, your people bombed Pearl Harbor and all."
"Ridiculous!! That wasn't us! That was Japan!!"
The Jew shrugs and says, "China, Japan...it's all the same to me!"
The Chinaman pounds back his drink before pointedly addressing his friend. "Now I ask you, how it feel to know your people caused Titanic to sink?"
The Jew chokes on his drink. "Oye vaye, that wasn't us! It was sunk by an iceberg!"
"Iceberg, Steinburg...it all same to me!"
obliviousbeard said:
Heard a version that goes along the lines of them being on all fours when they were painted
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I heard their nostrils were so big because that's where God held them while painting them.
herefortheactualthreads said:
View attachment 7918702
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This reminds me of a high brow joke:
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I've seen you here every day for the past six months. Are you an alcoholic?"
The horse puts a hoof to its muzzle and says, "I don't think I am." Then poof the horse disappears.

Maybe the joke is somewhat spoiled because of what I'm replying to, but for youngfags or uneducated retards, this is a play on the expression from the French philosopher René Decartes "I think, therefore I am." I would have explained this first for proper set up, but that would have been putting Decartes before da horse.
 
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