jokes thread - WE NEED MORE DEAD JOKES THREADS

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autismus 0043.JPG
 
Your mom is so fat that she shits in the tank;
Your mom is so fat she weighs on the truck scale;
Your mom is so fat that when she passes in front of the TV, I miss two episodes;
Your mom is so fat that if she were to appear on TV, she would need to be shown on two channels at the same time;
Your mom is so fat that she wears the curtains of her house as a dress;
Your mom is so fat that she bathes in the pool;
Your mom is so fat that when she sunbathes on the beach, everyone mistakes her for a beached whale;
Your mom is so fat that when she calls a taxi, a tractor comes instead;
Your mom is so fat that when she takes a bath, Japanese fishermen try to hunt her with a harpoon;
Your mom is so fat that when she went to school, she sat next to everyone;
Your mom is so fat that when she stops buying food the country's economy goes into recession;
Your mom is so fat, her belly button gets home 10 minutes before her;
Your mom is so fat, she keeps dolars in one pocket and euros in the other;
Your mom is so fat that when she is near the TV I end up missing an entire season.
 
Why did the CPU hang itself?

It found out it was full of trans sisters
 
how do you get a relationship?

1. buy a ship
2. name it relation

congrations, you now have a relation-ship huehuehueuhue
 
What's a pirates favorite letter?
"ARRRRRRR!"
NAY, HIS FIRST LOVE BE THE C

I went to the zoo the other day, but with these funding cuts, there was only one cage, and it had an ugly-ass dog in it.
it was a Shih-Tsu
 
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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in the water?
Bob
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in hot water?
Stew

What's the difference between a dead baby and a sandwich?
I don't fuck a sandwich before I eat it.

The pieces of string try to go to a bar. The first goes in and bartender asks
"Are you a piece of string?"
The first says yes.
"I don't let string in here."
So the first leaves.
Second piece of string tries to go in and again, the barkeep asks
"Are you a piece of string?"
And being honest, the second says yes and he get turned away.
The third, seeing this, ties himself up and rolls around a bit, gets himself all messed up looking, then goes in.
The barkeeper asks
"Are you a piece of string?"
The the third replies
"Frayed knot."
 
Jean Lafitte was off the coast of new orleans with his crew one day, and then the man on the jacobs ladder standing watch screams "CAPTAIN! CAPTAIN! THERES A BRITISH GUN BOAT JUST A FEW MILES IN FRONT OF US!" He tells his servent, "Quick boy! Get my sword and red shirt!" After a long battle he emerges victorious. The next day, its the same situation, a watchstander comes to the captain screaming, "CAPTAIN! CAPTAIN! THERES A BRITISH WARSHIP A FEW MILES IN FRONT OF US!" He tells the boy the same thing, "Quick boy! Get my sword and red shirt!" He does so again, but after a long, bloody battle the boy asks Jean Lafitte, "Captain, why do you always ask for your red shirt before we go to battle?" The captain takes a deep breath and looks at the boy and says, "Before a battle, I always make sure to grab my red shirt so if I start to bleed or get struck, the men don't feel discouraged when they see me bleed." The boy smiles and goes back to his duties. The next day, they see another ship, this time the watchstander says "CAPTAIN! CAPTAIN! THE BIGGEST WARSHIP I'VE EVER SEEN IS RIGHT OFF THE COAST HEADED STRAIGHT TWORDS US!" The captain looks nervous and tells his servent boy, "MON DEAU! GRAB MY BROWN TROUSERS!"
 
so a christian walks into a bar, then a buddhist, and then a jew.

after some time the muslim walks in and "ALLAAAAHU AKBAAAAAAR" *explosion*
 
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