jokes thread - WE NEED MORE DEAD JOKES THREADS

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Right, here goes, some Bernard Manning type jokes for you:

Q: What do you call 100 dead Labour MPs at the bottom of a cliff?
A: A good start!

Q: What do you call a dead Labour voter in a closet?
A: Last years winner of the hide and seek contest.

Q: What do you say to a Labour voter with a good looking bird on his arm?
A: Nice tattoo!

Q: What do you call a Labour voter that does well on an IQ test?
A: A cheat.

Q: You're trapped in a room with a Lion, Cobra snake and Sir Kier Starmer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A: Shoot Sir Kier Starmer. Twice!

Q: What do you call a Labour voter in a suit?
A: The accused.

Q: Why did God make Extinction Rebellion supporters smelly?
A: So blind people could laugh at them too!

Q: What do you call five Labour voters standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

Q: What does a fine wine and Sir Kier Starmer's rent boys have in common?
A: They both spend a lot of time in the cellar, cost too much and are only enjoyed on select occasions.

Q: Whats the difference between a Labour voter and a mosquito?
A: A mosquito eventually stops sucking.

Q: What is the difference between Jess Phillips and a baby?
A: The baby will stop whining after awhile.

Q: What is the difference between a bucket of shit and Sir Kier Starmer?
A: The bucket.

Q: What does Rachel Reeves and a bottle of beer have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q: How do you keep Sir Kier Starmer from masturbating?
A: You tattoo 'Reform UK' on his dick and he won't beat it ever again!

Q: Why did god invent alcohol?
A: So Labour voters supporters can get laid too.

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask a Labour voter!

Q: What's the difference between Labour voters and mosquitoes?
A: Mosquitoes are only annoying in the summer.

A Primary school teacher explains to her class that she is a Labour voter. She asks her students to raise their hands if they like Labour too. Not really knowing what a Labour supporter was, but wanting to be like their teacher, hands explode into the air. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Mary has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Labour fan." "Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?" "Why I'm proud to be a Reform UK fan.", boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Mary why she is a Reform UK fan. "Well, My Dad and Mom are Reform UK voters, and I'm a Reform UK fan too!" The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron, What would you be then?" A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Mary, "I'd be you!"

Sir Kier Starmer walks into a sperm donor bank and says "I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist. "Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?". "Yes" replies Sir Kier "you should have my details on your computer". "Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call your wife for you?" "Why do I need help?" asks Sir Kier. The receptionist replies "Well, it says on your record that you're a useless wanker...."
 
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A rabbi walks into a bar with a Chinese bartender, and proceeds to get drunk. After he's good and sozzled, he leans over the bar and punches the Chinese bartender.

"That's for Pearl Harbor!" the rabbi screams.
"That was the Japanese! I'm Chinese!" the Chinese bartender shouts back, doubly insulted.
"Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" the rabbi retorts.

The Chinese bartender takes a moment to collect himself, and then punches the rabbi so hard he flies off the barstool.

"That's for sinking the Titanic!" he yells.
"But an iceberg sunk the Titanic!" the rabbi says.
"Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?" the bartender responds.
 
Faggots don't know what jokes are up in here. Allow me to demonstrate.


Kid comes home from school and mama sees he looks a little glum. What up, she asks. Kid sighs. I been having sex with my teacher, he says. Mama hits the ceiling and sends him to his room, WAIT TIL YOUR FATHER GETS HOME. Daddy's home, gets told, goes to kids room. That's my boy, he chuckles. Come on son, I'm buying you a new bike.
Back from the bike store, dad says to kid, Go on, take her for a ride. Not today dad says the kid, my arse is still pretty sore.
 
It took me a moment to figure it out when my aunt told this joke to me.

Two Southern belles are walking down a country road. They are out enjoying a sunset walk and admiring the scenery, when they come across a man taking photographs. The man, being awestruck at the beauty of the two ladies, asks if he can take their picture with the setting sun in the background.

The ladies discuss the idea and eventually agree.

The photographer begins setting up his tripod and adjusting his camera.

One of the ladies asks, "What is he doing?"

The other replies, in a thick Southern drawl, "He's going to focus."

Then the first says, "Both of us?"
 
dildos and tofus are just good meat replacements for vegans huehuehue (probably goes for lesbians as well)
 
A Native American boy and his father are sitting outside under the stars, tending to the fire. The boy turns to his father and asks:

"Father, why is my brother named Eagle Soars High?"

"When your brother was born, I stepped outside of the tipi and the first thing I saw was a lone eagle, soaring high in the sky, and so your brother was named."

"Why is my sister named Red Sunset?"

"When your sister was born, I stepped outside of the tipi and the first thing I saw was a beautiful red sunset, and so your sister was named."

"Thank you for telling me, father."

"You're welcome, Two Dogs Fucking."
 
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