Lolcow KingCobraJFS / Josh Saunders - Amateur musician, YouTube Streamer, wandmaker, and self-proclaimed "sexy goth badboy". Perpetually circling the drain.

[TurdFondler]

POV you're an of age, alive, unrelated, sti free and consenting goth girl on a date with the Dark Lord

 

[KillThemCrackasBabies]

I find it hard to decide whether I feel bad for him or not. How much can you blame on his mental illnesses? Sure, a lot of it can be traced back to him just not understanding how reality works because of how he was born. But, at the same time, I can't really say it's 100% the reason why his life is so shit. His #1 problem by far is that he took any kind of helpful advice from his family and did the exact opposite just so he could be a badass. Imagine if he at some point actually listened to his damn father and went and saw a doctor and counselor. His whole identity is doing the opposite of what he should so he can be a "bad boy". He's 31 and still lives by that.

I can't fault him on the addictive behavior, it's an easy trap to fall into when things suck, but everything else could be fixed if he listened to anyone. CLint should just pay Terrence Pop to brainwash Josh with tactical life advice. I guess I empathize with him, but don't really feel bad for him. He could improve 1000% if he really wanted.

I keep going back to this, but it's pretty much my baseline for Cobes; he wants us to feel bad for him and his lot in life, but when it came to Carl the Tard back in high school, he bullied him, admitted he enjoyed bullying him, as an adult continued admitting to enjoying having bullied him, and finally took incredible glee in the death of his mother like a decade after the fact. Because Carl the Retard "annoyed him". That, in a nutshell, is Josh. Any slight against him, or anything that doesn't go his way, is this big injustice everyone should feel bad for. Whatever shitty thing he does or says, for any reason, should be justified because they had it coming, and he's autistic.

To be sure, he is a retard. It is with some degree of sympathy I acknowledge that he is often in a world he genuinely, through no fault of his own, doesn't understand and doesn't fit into. But he's also an incredible asshole who understands he does things that effect people negatively and simply doesn't care, if not justifies it outright. Josh is a dickhead, and a significant chunk of his problems stem from being such a dickhead. He wants sympathy for his retardery that he couldn't bother showing a man, by his admission, was far worse off.

 

[Bixby Snyder]

I’m just waiting for the Ragman Saga. Then he actually will fit in. Rambling to himself while picks the streets for cigarettes, scraping together enough cash for cheap booze, living with the other homeless under bridges as they discuss who has actual magic among them. It sounds fucked up to normal people but I think he would be happier.

Side note: Don’t feel bad for this piece of shit. Watch his birthday pity party and tell me he is not a garbage person — retarded or not. Don’t let his autism shield work on you too.

 

[Umaibae]

He did.

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Important to note: He graduated from the sped program, not real high school, and was 20 when he did.

 

[PsychoNerd054]

I have to give it up to him in one regard. Dude has an iron fucking stomach between that heap of canned fish and hot sauce and a beer/white claw/g fuel combo, I’d either be puking my brains out or shutting my brains out for about 2 days.

And he apparently has a fairly high metabolism, considering just how much gross stuff he eats, but yet none of that makes him fat. The Mewlip king aint human.

 

[Phalanges Mycologist]

And he apparently has a fairly high metabolism, considering just how much gross stuff he eats, but yet none of that makes him fat. The Mewlip king aint human.

I've heard a theiory he eats very little of what he cooks, you tend to never see him eat the whole thing on Camera, as he's drinking more he's eating less as well or when he does eat he's only really picking at food and does the Food Hacks videos as click bait almost.

Who can forget the classic where he tried to make gravy and ended up making bread.

 

[PsychoNerd054]

I've heard a theiory he eats very little of what he cooks, you tend to never see him eat the whole thing on Camera, as he's drinking more he's eating less as well or when he does eat he's only really picking at food and does the Food Hacks videos as click bait almost.

Who can forget the classic where he tried to make gravy and ended up making bread.

That's a pretty big waste, considering just how much food he makes. In the video where he shows how he makes nachos, he uses 8 eggs, and like 4 layers of cheese and porkrinds. I'm more surprised that he hasn't eaten that.

 

[Clint's Burden]

And he apparently has a fairly high metabolism, considering just how much gross stuff he eats, but yet none of that makes him fat. The Mewlip king aint human.

When you turn 30, that miracle metabolism starts to die rapidly. Josh didn't know this before, so he just kept eating and drinking to his fill. Jump forward to now and he is WELL aware that his metabolism has gone to shit. He's bloated to 2x the size and he's been saying shit like this more and more: "I'm getting fat but I don't give a fuck youtube, I hate sickos more than I hate my stomach fat. It's the truth."

Josh is on the path to being fat, it's only gunna take another 1-2 years to accomplish it.

Edit: It's kinda ironic actually, Clint got real fat around the same age, too. I remember seeing a family photo once where Clint was just gunted right out and bloated like Josh is now. If I find it, I'll post it.

 

[DigitalSoryu]

This is probably the worst joke yet. His “joke” videos fascinate me the most

 

[Bixby Snyder]

You can see that he is slowly gaining weight. When he gets up and does his toddler stomp, you can see his shirt now presses against his stomach and it's the same when he sits. Calories in booze are fucking insane. Used to drink heavily and there are like 200-300 calories a shot... and he drinks the sugary shit mixed with more sugary shit. I'm surprised we are not yet in the Diabetes Saga.


His lathe is throwing some serious sawdust. Going to fuck his computer up eventually. At least he doesn't smoke indoors anymore, at least that we know of

No clue why you would wanna watch his joke videos. They are shitty clips of something he either stole or thinks is clever but is dumb as fuck. I refuse to give him the views

Retard Update: Shot of booze is like 80-110 calories.

 

[Phalanges Mycologist]

His lathe is throwing some serious sawdust. Going to fuck his computer up eventually. At least he doesn't smoke indoors anymore, at least that we know of

I'm not that worried about his Mac, he's using Clints old iMac and they tended to have decent cooling and air filtration (the cooling systems where designed right unlike the old MBP's and much later iMac's), it's his lungs I am more worried about, as I said before modern turning tools rely less on the sharpness of the blade but a combination of speed and geometry to smash through the fibres in comparison to older slower wood lathes, that throws a lot of very fine particulate dust and he's not sharpening his chisels or gouges as I've yet to see a set of stones on his bench.

I looked up his turning tools and they are just cheep chineese ones that he's never sharpened or flattened so they are usign the dull factory edge and are only getting duller - he will likely have to start putting more pressure into the work than he already does and that's likely going to cause him to have an accident, likely to work grabbing the chisel and launching it towards him.

I am half way tempeted to send him a set of those carbide inset wood turning bits because they break when dull and the inserts are just a few quid to replace, to prevent that accident from happening.

No clue why you would wanna watch his joke videos. They are shitty clips of something he either stole or thinks is clever but is dumb as fuck. I refuse to give him the views

I think he's trying to up his viewtime to get monatised again or ride on the youtube shorts thing - he's missing several qualifying factors for that though mobile device, vertically filmed, under 30 seconds etc.

 

[Q_Anon1001]

When you turn 30, that miracle metabolism starts to die rapidly. Josh didn't know this before, so he just kept eating and drinking to his fill. Jump forward to now and he is WELL aware that his metabolism has gone to shit. He's bloated to 2x the size and he's been saying shit like this more and more: "I'm getting fat but I don't give a fuck youtube, I hate sickos more than I hate my stomach fat. It's the truth."

It's funny seeing him how he pushes the goalpost in real time. "Im getting fat but at least I'm not a pedo."

I've said before that I don't think Josh is going to have some serious health condition, at least not anytime soon. BUTTTT, he's also the type who would rather starve himself than work out to lose weight. So I can see him devoloping an eating disorder that fucks with his health.

 

[D_Tractor]

Redditors have way too much time on their hands.

 

[Bixby Snyder]

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Redditors have way too much time on their hands.

Actually pretty funny and probably accurate. I saw one that was a wanted poster that must have taken some time. I like to follow his weird-ass exploits but I wouldn't spend time photoshopping pics of him.

 

[W00K #17]

And he apparently has a fairly high metabolism, considering just how much gross stuff he eats, but yet none of that makes him fat. The Mewlip king aint human.

My theory is that he's not bulimic in the traditional sense of the word, but that he drinks so heavily that he vomits quite often, and alot of these nasty meals come back up in vomit soaked vodka.

 

[PsychoNerd054]

My theory is that he's not bulimic in the traditional sense of the word, but that he drinks so heavily that he vomits quite often, and alot of these nasty meals come back up in vomit soaked vodka.

He certainly seems to drink a lot more nasty combos than he does eat stuff that's coated in cheese.

 

[KillThemCrackasBabies]

His weight was kept in check because initially, he was only eating "food hacks" where he would waste half-to-all of the entire groceries in the house that Clint would bring him, or pizza from whatever SSI he had left over. Then he'd go without for stretches of time.

Now, with the obvious liquor bloat, he has paypig sending him enough to splurge on $80 deliveries of two tacos whenever he goes online and starts pouting about "Welp, no fun this weekend... ". Or hell, he actually doesn't even need to beg anymore, he routinely gets surprise deliveries on camera now.

 

[Bixby Snyder]

My theory is that he's not bulimic in the traditional sense of the word, but that he drinks so heavily that he vomits quite often, and alot of these nasty meals come back up in vomit soaked vodka.

When you drink a fuck load it messes up your stomach. It will inflame the lining and can lead to pain when eating. He may be choosing booze over food, which would not surprise me at all.

I don’t think he is not eating though, if anything it’s the opposite. Food and booze

 

[Generic Retard]

Homeboy had help, he explicitly didn't want it. I understand he's a genuine retard and needs to be recognized as such, but at the end of the day the dude just loves the white trash lifestyle and made a specific point to live like that the second he was able to.

Until he was 18 he even was on some kind of medication for ADD or smth. and he was way more coherent back then.
According to Clint he dropped that after becoming an of age Cobra, because "fuck that".

When you drink a fuck load it messes up your stomach. It will inflame the lining and can lead to pain when eating. He may be choosing booze over food, which would not surprise me at all.

I don’t think he is not eating though, if anything it’s the opposite. Food and booze

Some alcoholics even develop cancer in their esophagus, now that's real shitty.
Or they get varicose veins in the esophagus that can rupture and bleed them out.

 

[The Ideal AutoModerator]

I think he's also got some strong appetite suppression going on. He's nauseous or actively throwing up from alcohol every day. He rips a lot of cigs. Hell, he may even have some sense of smell left and the tactical laundry detergent takes it from there.
These factors, along with the food "challenges", combine into the ultimate cobra diet program.