Let's Sperg Let's Sperg: Baldur's Gate: Enhanced Edition - The Adventures of Alabamy Tranny

Mr Pizza said:
This vacation Dad has been planning better be fucking good or we'll gank that stupid magic belt he's SO proud of and sell it at a pawn shop.
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Whatever trip it was that Gorion had planned, you hoped it was way better than that time some foppish nobles held DashCon at the keep. You lost a good chunk of money during that ordeal!

You just barely reached the fountains to be interrupted by yet another person. This time, it's your childhood friend and foster sister, Imoen.

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Why does everyone insist on stopping you every step of the way? Why can't they bow out like all good peasants?
 
1. Imoen does what I say a lot and I've insisted that were siblings, something that she's come to accept. We're pretty nice to her because Gorion, that shitlord, rapes her with his eyes a lot. Of course he'd choose to do that to her and not us because he has an ignorant view of what is attractive. You don't have to fucking be a super model like Imoen to get the unwanted attention from a cismale. I'll be sure to call her little one because it's okay when I say it.

This vacation better be good or I'll have to tear up all the problematic books in candlekeep.
 
Mr Pizza said:
1. Imoen does what I say a lot and I've insisted that were siblings, something that she's come to accept. We're pretty nice to her because Gorion, that shitlord, rapes her with his eyes a lot. Of course he'd choose to do that to her and not us because he has an ignorant view of what is attractive. You don't have to fucking be a super model like Imoen to get the unwanted attention from a cismale. I'll be sure to call her little one because it's okay when I say it.

This vacation better be good or I'll have to tear up all the problematic books in candlekeep.
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It must be that self-diagnosed bi-polar disorder acting up again. Quickly we put on a cheerful facade and tell her thus:

ALABAMY: I'm afraid I cannot chat today, little one. My foster father wishes me to prepare for a journey, but will not say to where.

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>though you sure got tall fast
>is a gnome

I believe poor Imoen might be blind.
 
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Blind AND stupid if she thinks she's going on my special vay-cay. She'd want to do stupid shit dumb women always want to do. Its not her fault or anything, but she is a little slow. Option 3.
 
Mr Pizza said:
Blind AND stupid if she thinks she's going on my special vay-cay. She'd want to do stupid shit dumb women always want to do. Its not her fault or anything, but she is a little slow. Option 3.
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We have to break it to her that she's a slow-in-the-mind. Gently, though.

ALABAMY: You would only slow us down. Stay here where you are useful.

Perfect.

IMOEN: Well, that was certainly rude, ya rumduke.

ALABAMY: Imoen, we talked about you making up words. Your autism is showing.

IMOEN: Whatever. I'll just stay here I guess. Go on, don't keep Mr. G waiting.

We find Gorion waiting for us at the steps, standing in place and staring into nothingness. He looks harrowed, as though he hadn't slept well the previous night.

But whatever his worries are hold no importance here. This is OUR story, and there's no way we're letting an old guy, let alone a white cismale, have any focus even if he is our dad.

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Mr Pizza said:
Ugh... I dont fucking care DAD. I'm ready to go now. 1
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After checking your privilege one last time, you tell your dad that you're ready to go. You've fucked around enough.

ALABAMY: I'm ready to go right now.

GORION: Good. Although, do you really need so much make-up on? It looks...

ALABAMY: I'm a PROUD t r a n s-black girl! Why can't you just accept that?

Gorion is visibly wondering if he'll be able to survive this journey, or maybe he's just being your typical old person. They don't understand shit.

You both walk towards the gate, soon to leave your horrid prison behind. It was only as the priest cast a spell to protect you both that he tells you cryptically,

GORION: Listen carefully. If we ever are to become separated, it is imperative you make your way to the Friendly Arm Inn. There you will meet Khalid and Jaheira. They have long been my friends and you can trust them.

This can't possibly be ominous.

It was about 9am when you left the keep, but already it's dark when the keep has since faded into the horizon. Gorion warns you to hurry, as the night can only get worse. And worse it does get indeed. He leads you into the wilderness, and every chirp of a cricket or hoot of an owl has you on edge. You're not used to being so far away from your hugbox.

It was in the midst of this dark forest that Gorion comes to a sudden stop and implores you to do the same.

GORION: Wait, we are not alone. We're in an ambush. Prepare yourself.

This triggers you so goddamn hard you can't even move as the cutscene plays out.

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A battle ensues, and Gorion doesn't even need to tell you to run before you panic like a little bitch and flee the scene. Gorion will be fiiiine. He's got that white cis privilege.

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You run, and run, and run, until you can go no further. Your legs are weak from the strenuous activity and probably the first taste of exercise you've ever had in your entire life. You crash into slumber somewhere on the road. (:_( Surely they wouldn't think to come after you here.

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You awake the next morning to find that Gorion still wasn't there. What could be taking that old man so long? You could be raped by a cismale at any moment! Whether by chance or design, you find that your slow-in-the-mind sister Imoen had followed you both out of Candlekeep.

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Oh. Gorion's dead? How could you have possibly guessed?
 
Woohoo! Corpse looting is, like, our second favorite thing next to reruns of Steven Universe.
 
Tranhuviya said:
Woohoo! Corpse looting is, like, our second favorite thing next to reruns of Steven Universe.
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Huh. Guess he really is dead. You poke him with a stick to be sure, but Gorion doesn't move. Maybe it has something to do with that gaping hole in his chest.

Nonetheless, there's plenty of loot to be had. Jackpot! Good thing you didn't give anything to that mean old Winthrop. Among the spoils is some armor, which you put on. It doesn't really show off your nonexistent C-CUP MILKING BREASTS, but it provides some coverage.

While you're counting out the coins from your pre-Gorion looting, Imoen interrupts.

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4. A great opportunity to show what a caring person you are by being sad. Certainly Imoen will use her dog-like empathy to give you much needed asspats.
 
Mr Pizza said:
4. A great opportunity to show what a caring person you are by being sad. Certainly Imoen will use her dog-like empathy to give you much needed asspats.
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You could really use some asspats right now, so you tell her how saaaad you are.

ALABAMY: I still can't believe that Gorion is dead.

IMOEN: *sadly* Me too

Looks like Imoen is getting carried away with her empathy.

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You talk about being the silent type a lot in that newsletter you printed in candlekeep (fuck who is going to update that now?), and of course you are still the one and only Alabamy Tranny
 
Mr Pizza said:
You talk about being the silent type a lot in that newsletter you printed in candlekeep (fuck who is going to update that now?), and of course you are still the one and only Alabamy Tranny
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ALABAMY: You were always the talkative one. I'm more the silent type, remember? Don't worry, I'm still the same old Alabamy Tranny.

IMOEN: That's what I'm afraid of.

ALABAMY: wut

IMOEN: Nothing. I said that's good. I'd hate to see this eat away at ya. We'll get him, you know. That guy, whoever he was, who killed your dad. We'll find out who he is, and pay him back good!

IMOEN: And don't even think of ditching me, either. I know what I'm doing, and I'm in this as much as you. I liked Gorion, and you're my best friend.

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Pick option 2. We need to make the tranny gnome envision Imoen as a strong independent womyn.
 
c-no said:
Pick option 2. We need to make the tranny gnome envision Imoen as a strong independent womyn.
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ALABAMY: What brings this on, Imoen? I don't think I've ever seen you act this way!

IMOEN: I'm just mad, that's all... mad, sad, and a little worried. I guess I'll get over it. Heh. I was trying to make you feel better, and now I'm all worked up.

Strong independent womyn or not, Imoen is taking your hugbox time. You scowl.

IMOEN: Come on, let's find an evil dragon's lair or something to loot. Um, on second thought, a hobgoblin cave is more your speed. Or maybe a xvart village? Hmmm. I'll have to think about this one...

Poor slow-in-the-mind Imoen is being such an ableist. Didn't you already give her a lengthy lecture that one time about the dangers of ableism? Sure, it consisted mostly of ranting and crying, but it was one of your best.

You finally loot Gorion's corpse, and since he's dead you take his belt off of him anyway. It's not like he's gonna need it. On his person, however, was a very important letter. It was really long and boring, so you just stuff it in your back pocket to read later. Because Imoen is being a spastic, you wound up not burying Gorion and instead continue forward.

You could head to the Friendly Arm, but there are sure to be other things to explore around here. To the west, you see a nobleman standing on the edge of a cliff. To the east, two totally non-suspicious gentlemen are standing somewhere further along the path.
 
Go to the nobleman and see what he has to say. If it's not interesting, kill him for his patriarchy capitalist life and standing.
 
Also if you happen across anyone resembling a grimy homeless potato or spergomancers be understanding and kind
 
Hi, I'm back from the dead.

c-no said:
Go to the nobleman and see what he has to say. If it's not interesting, kill him for his patriarchy capitalist life and standing.
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Mr Pizza said:
Also if you happen across anyone resembling a grimy homeless potato or spergomancers be understanding and kind
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While en route to the nobleman, you're accosted by a wolf. Initially you consider the possibility that it's Soap, the wolf of the great Commander, but since it isn't doing parkour you dismiss the notion. It is bearing its fangs at you regardless and that's very triggering to your weak psyche. It lunges, nearly tearing your throat out because the Let's Sperger Asperger(?) is rusty, but luckily you have a potion on you. Thanks, priest guy! You guzzle it down and feel much better.

After a combination of meek stabs and arrows to the face, the wolf at last dies, which nets you some sweet sweet EXP.

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Then Imoen takes the opportunity to piss on your victory by reminding you how terrible you are for not conforming to society. Or is it because you're Chaotic Evil? ...No, definitely because you're not conforming. And you'd never go near mutton! You're a vegan*!
*unless it's well-done

Rude, Imoen. Very rude.

Time to go see what's up with that nobleman.

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What a privileged sack of shit!
You immediately forgive Imoen for the previous comment.
 
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