let's write Family Guy jokes

[John Titor]

You're dumb for being remotely religious, I'm smart because I'm an atheist.

 

[Hideous K]

hey Lois.. remember the time when I meet Sans from undertale putting his skeletal foot in a plastic tub of lettuce?

 

[Preferred Penne]

Person: I am doing a thing that is stereotypical of the things that people like me do!
Peter: You suck!

 

[The Nothingness]

Peter: Look, Lois! It is the world's biggest Cheeto.
Lois: Peter, that's Donald Trump.

 

[ZehnBoat]

*the episode consists mostly of peter dabbing while quoting memes from 2014-2016*
*peter slows down and starts to cry*
*peter eventually collapses to the floor in tears*
PETER: OH GOD, WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY???
*cut to black as CARTHAGO DELENDA EST is displayed on screen for the rest of the alloted time*

 

[NotSoGreatLord]

"Peetah, what the hell did you do to Stewie?"
"Nothing, Lois! James Gunn was supposed to be watching him!"
(Did I do it right? Family Guy is all about easy potshots at topical things, right?)

 

[ZehnBoat]

"Peetah, what the hell did you do to Stewie?"
"Nothing, Lois! James Gunn was supposed to be watching him!"
(Did I do it right? Family Guy is all about easy potshots at topical things, right?)

Plot synopses:
stewie and brain are stuck in a cave partly flooded by water
elon musk calls peter a pedophile

 

[PsychoNerd054]

Meg gets beat up in some comedic way and Peter says she sucks afterwards.

 

[Y2K Baby]

elon musk calls peter a pedophile

This goes on for 20 seconds and then Peter says in deadpan voice "you should probably lay off twitter" and Elon go "yeah" heeehaaahee.

 

[UnKillFill]

Peter: you think thats bad, remember the time I went shopping at Randy Stairs super market?
[Cut away to Peter shopping at a super market nonchalantly, proceed to the checkout lane, and leave uneventfully. Cut to Peter in the car driving.]
Peter: That was terrible, I couldn't find anything in that store.
hehehehehehehehe.

 

[Y2K Baby]

Peter is eggnog in fridge. He says "shut up, nutmeg"

Thank you.

 

[DudeWithTheFood]

"You're Anime-king Me Crazy"
Plot: Peter discovers his love for Anime, while everyone in the family sees it as an unhealthy addiction. Stevie and Brian travel to Japan on an adventure for Rupert and unintentionally discover that Anime was a ploy by Miyazaki to stop breeding and decrease the surplus population. He is defeated by a tentacle monster and Peter turns back to normal.

 

[Y2K Baby]

"You're Anime-king Me Crazy"
Plot: Peter discovers his love for Anime, while everyone in the family sees it as an unhealthy addiction. Stevie and Brian travel to Japan on an adventure for Rupert and unintentionally discover that Anime was a ploy by Miyazaki to stop breeding and decrease the surplus population. He is defeated by a tentacle monster and Peter turns back to normal.

Does not sound like Family Guy. You suck shit. I hate you.

 

[Somar]

Stewie: The only thing worse than Disney buying Fox is if they made an live action/animated hybrid film about us, but surely they aren't desperate enough to do that.
"Looks at the camera"

 

[Tragi-Chan]

“Wow, this is worse than that time I did a self-indulgent musical number, like just an entire song that has nothing to do with the episode and totally breaks any flow the story may have had!”

 

[Preferred Penne]

This is more of a Robot Chicken sketch, but fuck it, what's the difference?

"This is more embarrassing than the time the Beatles tried Mexican food."
(Cut to the Beatles on stage)
Well I'll tell ya somethin'
I think you'll understand
And I'll say that somethin'
(The band members clutch at their stomachs as gurgling and farting noises are made)
I'm gonna poop my PAAAANTS!
(The Beatles proceed to poop in their pants)
I'm gonna poop my pa-a-a-a-ants
I'm gonna poop my pants
I'm gonna poop my pa-a-a-ants

 

[UnKillFill]

Lois: Peter, did you donate Stewie's old toys to the Salvation Army?
Peter: Wait, I was supposed to donate it to the *Salvation* Army?
Lois: Yes Peter, where did you donate them?
[Cut to a desert with gunfire all around, several military men are crouched behind a makeshift barricade as various near explosions go off.]
Army Man 1: Sir, new supplies were just airdropped in.
Army Man 2: Good. What did we get?
[Army Man 1 holds up a variety of baby toys as the gunfire gets louder]

 

[The Decimator]

Joke #1:
Lois: Peetah, where are your pants? And why are you holding Stewie?
Peter: Oh no! I lost my pants and I’m holding Stewie! This is worse than the time Bryan Singer asked me to bring Stewie over to his house.
*five-minute-long cutaway gag where Bryan Singer rapes Stewie*

Joke #2:
Brian: *dialogue taken word for word from one of Seth’s Twitter posts sperging about Trump*

Joke #3:
Peter: This is worse than that one time where I became a furry!
*cutaway gag where Peter gets arrested at AnthroCon for having sex with Uncle Kage*

Joke #4:
Cleveland: I’m a black man. Therefore, it’s funny. Please laugh now.

Joke #5:
Herbert: I’m a pedophile. Therefore, it’s funny. Please laugh now.

Joke #6:
Quagmire: Giggity giggity! I’m a sex pervert! Therefore, it’s funny! Please laugh now! *repeats annoying catchphrase*

Joke #7:
Meg: Dad, I just reported you to Child Protection Services for abusing me all those times.
Peter: SHUT UP MEG!
*punches Meg for fifty seconds before the cops show up*
Peter: This is just like that time Brian got arrested for burning down a church.
*cutaway gag where Brian sets a church on fire and gets arrested. Cue unfunny cameo appearance by Jesus.*
Cop: What did that have to do with anything?
Peter: Nyeh-heh-heh-heh-heh. Dunno. *farts for literally no reason*

 

[Wabbu]

Cleveland: I’m a black man. Therefore, it’s funny. Please laugh now

That's 95% of all black comediants, though

 

[UnKillFill]

That's 95% of all black comediants, though

It's funnier when Family does it because he's played by a white guy.