let's write Family Guy jokes

[The Decimator]

Peter: This is worse than that time we went to that music festival in Germany.
[Cut to Peter and family in the middle of a mosh pit]
Lois: Peetah, I can’t hear the music!!
[Several dancers head inside a tunnel and come out of it a bloody mass of flesh]
Meg: Oh my god! Those people over there got trampled!
Peter: What, do you wanna join them, Meg? Go right ahead!
[Peter throws Meg into the crowd where she is trampled to death]

 

[Forever Train Engineer]

Lois: Hey peetah you forgot to take the car to get fixed

Peter: You think that's bad what about the time when Tim Curry wore a beret to Mexico City

[Cuts to Tim Curry wearing beret in Mexico city]

 

[Roast Chicken]

Herbert The Pervert: *looks at calendar* Oh boy! It looks like I'm due for my annual pros*whistle*tate exam.

At the doctors office

Herbert (to a strapping young male doctor) I'm ready for my close-up, Doctor Hindes. *bends over, saggy old ass peeking through his gown*

Doctor Hindes: Haha, oh no we do things a little differently now. Say hello to Fisto, our new proctologist.

Fisto: Greetings, Herbert. *raises well-lubed instrument*

Herbert: I'd rather have ass*whistle* cancer.

 

[The Decimator]

Peter: This is worse than that time I met Gilbert Gottfried.

(Cuts to Peter standing next to Gilbert Gottfried)

Peter: Are you Asian?
Gilbert: Excuse me?
Peter: I asked you if you were Asian.
Gilbert: Why do you think I’m Asian? Does my last name sound the slightest bit Oriental to you?
Peter: No, I asked you because you squint a lot.

(wacky comedy sting plays)

 

[MG 620]

Herbert The Pervert: *looks at calendar* Oh boy! It looks like I'm due for my annual pros*whistle*tate exam.

At the doctors office

Herbert (to a strapping young male doctor) I'm ready for my close-up, Doctor Hindes. *bends over, saggy old ass peeking through his gown*

Doctor Hindes: Haha, oh no we do things a little differently now. Say hello to Fisto, our new proctologist.

Fisto: Greetings, Herbert. *raises well-lubed instrument*

Herbert: I'll just close my eyes and pretend you are *whistle* Johnny from next door.

 

[Turd Cow]

Lois: Peetah, would you stop shitposting on your computer all day!!!

Peter: Wow, this is just line the day I necroposted in the family guy jokes thread on kiwifarms.

 

[Roast Chicken]

Meg at the breakfast table: So... I'm going to attend a BLM march down town this evening.

Peter: BLM? The hell does that stand for? Bacon Lettuce 'n' Mayo? Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh.

Meg: No! Black Lives Matter! It's to protest the death of George Floyd. You've seen that on the news, right?

Stewie: Oh, excellent. My female sibling has involved herself with violent hoodlums who expect reparations simply for existing.

Lois: That's.. very admirable, sweetie. Just be careful, okay? Protests can turn ugly real quickly, I'd know. *queue flashback to Lois at some hippie festival, an altercation occurs between two stoners that is resolved with an "epiphany" they both share when the psilocybin kicks in*

Meg: It's going to be a peaceful protest, Mom. You can't assume it'll turn violent because it's mostly black people protesting.

Lois: What? I never said-

Meg: Also this is my Boyfriend, Tayquan.

*Dude in a BLM hoodie and thick dreads appears with a shotgun and blasts everyone at the table while Meg looks on impassively. Blood sprays the walls and chunks of flesh fly across the kitchen as the Griffin family are eliminated save for Meg*

Tayquan: And tha's why they call me Tayquan! 'Cus there's no "Tayqtwo." *Badum-pshh*

 

[Turd Cow]

Peter: Lois, me want to go to drunken clam to see frenz

Lois: Peter stop rubbibg your ass on the floor your'e making the carpet dirty.

Peter: Nuh-Uh Nuh-Uh.

Lois: Peter come here.

Peter: NO!!!! WAAHHHHHHHHHH

Stewie: Oh great, fat man is acting like a retarded manchild again. Just what this day asked for.

 

[Matthew216]

How many ways can a man write “fart?”

 

[A Grey Cat]

Just have the characters standing around waiting for something to start. That was literally the first joke in Quagmire's mom the only animation was in the blinking.


You know it's funny when South Park spent two episodes mocking family guy jokes in cartoon wars they were exaggerating how benal and bland the writing was at the time now however I think the mannate jokes made as an insult are funny than any modern family guy jokes

 

[Picnic_Boy]

This is even worse than that time I stepped on that ostrich egg at the Renaissance Festival.

Peter Griffin: Whoopsie. (steps on an egg)

Knight on blocky 8-bit Ostrich: Thou hast besmirched me! I challenge thee to a joust!

 

[A Grey Cat]

Meg finally slits her wrists in the tub as Lois comes in to find her

"OH MY GOD!...Meg do you have any idea what horrible stains that's gonna leave?!" She says not caring in the slightest that her daughter's dead. What? The characters have gotten to the point where they openly talk about how much they hate each other would you really think they wouldn't make a joke like that?

 

[Stephanie Bustcakes]

Joe: Hey, eter!
Peter: What is it, Joe?
Joe: Blue lives matter!
Brian: ACAB! *attacks Joe*
Peter: The is worse than the time I read to kids as part of drag queen story hour.
*Flashback*
Peter (dressed as a horrifying parody of a woman): Ok, kids, today I'll be reading the communist manifesto!
Kids: We wanna play fortnite instead!
Peter: Looks like we got a bunch of gamergaters here. #metoo

 

[Turd Cow]

Peter: OH MY GOD LOIS THIS THREAD IS DEAD I GET TO.....

Lois is dead

Peter: OH MY GOD BRIAN IM GONNA SHITPOST SO HARD THAT ILL GET BANNED FROM...

Brian: Whatever you do, don't get the FBI knocking on our door.

(Few hours later)

Peter: OH MY GOD BRIAN THE FBI IS HERE AND THEY WANT TO....

Brian: YOU WHAT!!!!!

Stewie: Fat man shitposted so hard that the FBI came in. This is worse than that time that SIG got banned off of kiwifarms for getting the feds involved

 

[Preferred Penne]

Peter takes a dump. For the entire 22 minute episode.

Establishing shot of the house, Peter walks into the bathroom, then the rest of the episode is a still shot of the outside of the bathroom as Peter makes grunting and groaning noises while trying to force out a shit. Then he flushes, walks out of the bathroom, then looks at the audience and says "Yeah, that was the whole episode."

 

[Maamtis]

Sad that the jokes on a shitposting website are funnier than what Family Guy serves up these days.

Peter: You think THAT'S bad? Remember the time I sold my own bathwater?

*Word for word recreation of Belle Delphine's Gamer Girl bath water commercial ending with Peter farting in the bath.*

You think THAT'S bad? Remember the time I started my own Tiktok?

*Shot for shot, word for word recreation of Hit or Miss girl's video.*

 

[Travoltron]

LOIS: P.U.! This refrigerator stinks!
PETER: You know what else that stinks and is cool? When black guys fart.
Cut to scene of black guys sitting on toilets, farting beatbox style with breakdancers dancing.
A basketball player dribbles in and farts so hard that he launches into the air and makes a glass-shattering basket.

 

[Mr. ShadowCreek]

Peter: Hey, Lois this must be one of those living history museums. They even treat women like property and have black slaves.

Lois: Peter, this isn't a living history museum it's the Republican Convention.

 

[Syaoran Li]

Peter: I thought the two of us working together at a whorehouse would be fun. This job sucks!
Brian: Yeah, it reminds me of the time Ryu and Chun-Li from Street Fighter put out that personal ad looking for a new roomate.

*cuts to Ryu laying on the couch shirtless*

Ryu: Black guys who love to fuck and fuck good. If you're a hot black guy and you wanna fuck me at the following address...

4210 Wolfetown Road
Cherokee, NC 90210
1-800-EAT-SHIT

Bring all your cowardly friends with you.

If you wanna move in you can move in, but you gotta fuck me. I need to be fucked a lot man. Free food. Free rent and everything else man. Here's the deal man. Men from jail, homeless or um, if you're a thug, you wanna come move in. Your friend can move in too man. Free rent, you get lease and key. Fuck me. Piss on me, beat me, I'm home here now. If you see me and you wanna come over today and try it out, try it out man. If you're in my building. Try it out. Wanna fuckin' piss on me, try it out. Serious replies only. Just fuck me. I'm looking for hardcore guys and mean it and wanna do it and I want it delivered. I'm a hot white trash cum dump, let's fuck.

*camera pans over to Chun-Li*

Chun-Li: Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty!

 

[Strange Wilderness]

I got two

Peter: You think thats funny? Remember the time I met Tucker Carlson?

*Peters not paying attention while driving and rear-ends the car in front of him

Peter: Oh crap I am so sorry I was distracted by how bad Ariana Grandee was. Wow you're FOX News host Tucker Carlson!

Tuck: Yes I am. Hey since you're a straight white man and not a filthy minority ruining our country I won't press charges

Peter: Hey Tuck hang on let me just give you something you really deserve

*Gets Tire Iron and just bashes the shit out of Carlson in a bloody mess while the crowd cheers his violent assault behind him. This goes on for five minutes

Peter: Isn't it nice to live out everyone's fantasies once in awhile?


*Brian enters scene

Brian: Alright everyone I got it. My latest book on dating advice is everything you need to know about how to attract any girl or guy you want. This advice will land you whoever you want from a one-night stand to meeting the love of your life. This is going to finally win me a Pulitzer.

Stewie: I'm supposed to take dating advice from someone who chases his own ass? Actually that sounds perfect

Other Character: *Ether shouted or delivered through gritted teeth* God I hate you so much. I can't stand being in the same room as you anymore. Your voice makes me sick just listening to it. Fuck you